Step Into My World…

The Prince & The Toad

I’ve been wanting to blog again for so long however every time I think about it I follow the thought with excuses. Either I don’t have anything to say or I have too much incriminating evidence about myself. That’s right, “Miss Lay It All Out” has secrets.

Let me tell you a secret that isn’t actually a secret, alongside being a missionary in South Africa serving God, every day I daylight as the lead actress in a story called The Prince & The Toad.

I actually called someone a toad today without meaning too. Thankfully she – OMG I called a girl a toad – knows me well enought to know my jokes sometimes get all muddled up in meaning.

But that isn’t the story for today.

Today I won. Today I yet again got accused of something. I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of the accusations. I’m tired that in my one sided limited understanding it seems others don’t do their jobs & I get blamed for it. I’m tired of the lack of questions. I’m tired of the ignorance. I’m tired. Tired. Tired.

So I pulled out the emails from our previous conversations. I pointed out HIS mistakes. I showed him HE failed. I refused to back down. Because this time I’m clearing my name & will do whatever it takes to PROVE what he was saying to me was ignorant, unjust & inaccurate. I got the outcome I wanted. I showed him.

But… but… he goes & admits to me & others he made a mistake. He apologised. He acknowledged what could have been done differently. Damn it he even humbled himself.

I may have got the outcome I wanted but now I feel like a toad.

I knew I could respond in love, kindness, gentleness, patience & with grace. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to believe those things have power. They’re too slow. I want to change things now. Immediately. Even if I risk relationships…. actually no. I didn’t let my thinking go there, thinking about risking relationships, because I just wanted to be right. It wasn’t about wanting to clear my name – I could have done that with no words but simply just forward our previous emails. Nope, it would seem I just wanted to selfishly win a battle. I wanted to be Queen of the pond.

The only upside to all this is whilst I’m kissing other toads – meet my toad friends: anger toad, selfishness toad, pride toad & fear toad – Jesus is loving my heart.

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