So it seems my blog updates get further and further apart. But I figured it was time to write again 🙂
Recently I’ve been thinking a little bit about how time can change so much. I look back over the past 12 months and think “Wow! This happened. Or, that happened.” Some things feel like yesterday and other seem so much longer than 12 or even 18 months ago.
I wrote a lot in the past about not knowing where my life is going. Not having anything in my name was at many times a real struggle too. On one hand I was aware of what a blessing that was and on the other I felt like I simply had no identity what so ever. I struggled to make decisions. Was it the right decision? A purposeful decision? Was it ok to make spontaneous decisions? What if it wasn’t wise? How do I know? What if I commit and then find a couple of months down the line I couldn’t commit? Mike’s death changed so much. It changed me. In every single way. The enormity of that level of change or difference I couldn’t and still can’t grasp. The first 12 months after Mike’s death was filled with hurting and trying to get through my final year of university; the next year was really about trying to stay “safe“; the next 18 months was actually in retrospect a very difficult time with “rejection” being a very key theme… And these past 10 months have been a lot to do with stepping out.
I made decisions… Good ones, ones I won’t make again… I have a mobile contract, gym membership, a job and even, as of yesterday, a car all in my name. I took risks and figured if things change again we’ll cross that bridge when it comes. I’ve found myself and lost myself almost daily. I’ve messed up my priorities and other times I have made myself feel pleased with what I achieved. There’s still so much I want to grow in and change. There’s still so much I struggle with. But somehow in my somewhat blind stepping out… God’s using it to bring me slowly but surely closer to other things that make slightly more sense to me. Or things that make me think “I’m going to be ok.” I’ve allowed work to take over my life and I’ve allowed exhaustion to prevent me from hanging out with Him. I’ve found seeing my monthly wage increase with every hour I work to become slightly addictive. I haven’t made the time for others like I should have. But… having said all of that. I don’t feel guilty. I don’t feel like I’m messing up. I feel simply like, I’m learning to walk again. I’m learning to move to the melody of my life. Sometimes my life looks like a jumping jack high on speed, other times it looks like a psycho serial killer, and sometimes it looks like it needs some serious TLC. I feel ok to just walk and I feel like I’m safe to put one foot in front of the other in however way seems right to my heart because I have chosen to simply believe that God will guide me. If I’m on the wrong path He’ll show me.
Friendships have been an interesting one. These 4 years have taught me a lot about myself. And a lot about others. Maybe more than ever I’ve become more aware of what I am and am not willing for in my relationships with others. I’m learning what it looks like to love people from a distance. I’m learning that not all relationships are healthy. Even with Christians. I’m learning that people suck. And I’m learning that I suck. I know what I look for in relationships and I’m learning to not feel guilty to not have people in my inner circle who don’t match up to what I want, need or look for. For the first time in the last week or so I deleted people off my Facebook. Admittedly they were all “deactivated accounts” haha. But still, its steps forwards in directions I feel I want to go. I don’t KNOW where I’m going in life. I just go on feelings now. Again… I know the problems and the advantages of that. But if I don’t do something then I sit still in a very harmful place.
Where does my future go? I don’t know. I still feel the need to justify my job. Why I’m not using my degree. I still find I panic and struggle to breath when I think of certain people or situations. I prefer one on one to big groups. I even like being alone a lot these days. I hate people looking at me with what I call “knowing eyes“. I still day-dream about forensics. I feel restless and confused… But more and more, I’m finding I’m feeling “OK” about different things. Or people. I see glimmers of growing and learning. And my gut tells me to stay put with a couple of things until I find contentment. Until I can say “God, if this is what you want for me, then I’m OK with that.” Again maybe I’m wrong… And that’s where I just have to believe in God and his ability to show me otherwise.
I turn 25 really soon. And yes, I still very much think to myself “God, will I ever…” Get married? Have kids? Have a job I truly love? Travel the world the way I dream of? Sometimes it’s easy for me to literally cry big fat drops of tears in fear that I will never see any of those things. And again, I realise that it’s ok to feel that way. It’s ok because Mike’s death has influenced that fear. And it’s also ok… Because whatever happens, I’m going to be OK. True my whole world could caved in all the more tomorrow. But the belief that I’m going to be OK is growing. It’d be pretty cool to see these dreams become reality… But honestly, I think my biggest success in life will be to stand before God, face life and simply say with complete conviction “It’s OK.” And if I can do that… That one simple thing… Well, I think it’s possible it might outweigh the joy of any other dream I have.
P.S. Fallen in love with this song. I put it in the context of God, myself, my life, my future… and a little treasure called “opportunity” 🙂