Step Into My World…

Archive for July 9, 2012

Running…

Hey!

So it’s one of those nights I’m trying to avoids sleep. I don’t know about you but when things are on my mind I actually do the opposite to what people normally do… Which is to escape by sleeping. Me, I use every possible excuse and distraction to avoid bed and instead numb my brain. So here I am… Lying in bed. But this time I’m going to face the issue head on so I can go to sleep.

I’m afraid people don’t actually need or want me. I’m afraid of not being valued. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of being taken advantage of. I’m afraid of not being heard. I’m afraid of being invisible. I’m afraid of people not caring so I think I try to always make sure I so them I care but fill up my diary so that if they don’t demonstrate they care then it won’t hurt so much. I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of my emotions. I’m afraid people talk behind my back. I’m afraid of what people really think of me. I’m afraid of being misunderstood. I’m afraid of losing friends. I’m afraid of failing Mike. I’m afraid of Laura being taken from me. I’m afraid of staying in Carlisle long term. I’m afraid of not foreseeing the future. I’m afraid of talking to people I don’t know. I’m afraid of who I became as a result of mike’s death. I’m afraid of not being good enough. I’m afraid of living a simple life. I’m afraid of not leaving a positive impact on others. I’m afraid of looking at pictures of myself. I’m afraid of being open. I’m afraid of being thought of as a depressive basket case. I’m afraid of anger, bitterness, confusion, jealousy. I’m afraid of my lack of hearing. I’m afraid of the inconvenience my hearing has for others. I’m afraid of drowning. I’m afraid of singing. I’m afraid of not being in control….

Do you see why it’s so much easier to run?

What I do know is only God can help me. Only He can give me comfort, security, identity, peace, wisdom, understanding, revelation, truth, love, relationship, care, intimacy, joy, happiness, direction, conviction, legacy, realness, strength…

So for that reason… I’m gonna risk looking like a tool before you all in listing my fears… The only way God can help me is if I lay it all out. And since my blog has been a place where I can just share… Then why not just write it on here and say it how it is.

Goodnight all.

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