Picking Your Battles
I was recently having a conversation with a friend regarding relationships, and he said to me, “If you don’t fight for it then you’ll be single forever.” To which I replied, “But if the other party doesn’t want you to fight for them, then how can you fight for the relationship?” It’s an interesting concept… fighting for someone. Someone you have an interest in, like, love, or use to care for but don’t really anymore… When is it ok to fight for them and when is it not ok?
Sometimes it’s really clear-cut, other times it just isn’t. Am I suppose to fight for him? Is he suppose to fight for me? I think to some degree it’s easier when someone is trying to fight for you… because on some level you’ll know whether you want them to fight for you or not. But what about when you’re the one fighting?
Let’s throw in the age-old proverb of love. Love is patient, kind, forgiving… Love never fails. Sometimes, for some of us that throws a massive spanner in the works. I was one of those people. For a long time I felt so bound by those words. I felt like it was wrong for me to walk away from things in the past. But it’s only later in life when I grew in understanding, knowledge and maturity did I begin to really understand the meaning of those words.
I don’t actually know the answer to whether it’s ok to fight for someone or not. But this is what I personally know about me. I have fought for people in the past. Massively so. And it didn’t work out. Maybe it was me, maybe it was them. Maybe, before God, it was never supposed to end up in that kind of relationship. But what I did realise was, I can’t be the only one fighting in the relationship. I think before marriage there is no duty before God, to yourself, or to your other half to keep fighting. Especially if it’s one-sided. If the other half wants to walk away or feels it’s right to walk away, or doesn’t feel it’s right to be more than friends… I don’t think we’re to fight or push for otherwise. True, I have pride and yes, part of my answer to why I won’t fight does come down to pride. Also, I do think it’s the guy’s role before God to lead a relationship. What do I mean? Well, true a girl can initiate the whole “hey I like you” part… but if a guy also has an interest in her then it’s his role to take on the leadership. I’m not saying for one minute you have to change your status from friendship to dating ASAP. But I am saying my belief is that God appointed men to that role and so I don’t think that should be taken away from them.
But even then I’m not so sure as to what I believe when it comes to fighting for someone. To be completely honest I have nothing that is absolutely concrete. What do have that is my only solid answer is this: pray and continue to invest in a friendship. At the end of the day, you can never go wrong with praying and by investing in a friendship you allow God and time to move you into revelation. You’ll know whether you see each other as more or as friends. Songs of Solomon is so strong on advising us to not allow love to be woken before its time, and Proverbs advises us to guard our hearts… By focusing on investing in a friendship… it certainly helps you keep your heart protected and to keep emotions at bay. Of course emotions will progress in a friendship! But you’re allowing yourself and others a chance to really get to know you and you them.
Painfully… there comes a time where all the signs are pointing towards the ending of a relationship. True you can fight… But unless your married. You are not bound before God to do so. And sometimes it ends because it was never meant to happen in the first place. With Fitz and I, I think God did bring him int my life as a best friend, a rock, a strong man to help me… But we chose, in our hearts, to take our relationship to very high levels. And I’m not so sure that’s what God intended. I think it’s so easy and dangerous to think that just because God bought someone into our lives and is our best friend then it must mean he or she is our life partner. By prolonging the ending… we do ourselves no favours and far more damage. Easier said than done when we can be so stubborn and proud.
As for me, for now I think I am in a place in life where I can only fight for someone if they demonstrate to me that they want me to fight for them. Until then… I can only pray, seek God’s wisdom, and invest in friendships with as many people as I can 🙂