I sat down to blog tonight. And my mind feels like it has two boxes. One, a complete blank. The other, about a billion thoughts and feelings that I can’t seem to separate out into complete words and/or sentences.
These past two weeks have been amazing. So much fun. I shall one day blog about my adventures 🙂 I do have an amazing life. I can’t deny God of blessing me with that.
I found myself in an unexpected situation recently. The only thing I can apparently make clear from it all, is how afraid I am. I’m so afraid of losing people around me. Maybe that’s natural after Mike. And maybe even after Fitzy. But, I’m afraid. One close friend has cancer, and I’m afraid of him not being around. One close friend has told me he likes me. He’s aware I don’t feel for him in that way, and so I’m afraid of the effect this revelation and rejection will have on our friendship. I do however like another guy but I haven’t told this other guy that I like him because I’m fearful of what that revelation could negatively do to our friendship. I’m fearful of the future in regards to a job and relationships because of the apparent lack of direction.
I’m really struggling to write this blog. I’m trying to give something profound, or clever, or spiritual… and I’m feeling jack all. Other than just this feeling of fear. It’s not over powering… it’s just making me feel sad in my heart. I wish my friend didn’t have cancer, I think I wish this guy didn’t like me, and I wish I knew what to do with this feeling I have towards this other guy… I wish didn’t feel like I was about to lose people around me that mean so much to me.
God’s been speaking to me about this fear a lot. Stuff from the bible, words through people…
“How often, when sometimes you little know it, do I go before you to prepare the way, to soften a heart here, to over rule there.” – Psalm 138… “Ceaseless activity has no part of My Father’s plan. Do not seek to work for me. Never make opportunities. Live with Me and for Me. I do the work and I mae the opportunities.” – Psalm 127… “Oh! If My children would leave My Work to Me and occupy themselves with the task I give them.” – Philippians 2:13… “Relax. Chill out.”
… There are quite a few things that have been said and/or read. I guess this is just yet another dynamic of life and Mike’s death to process. It’s just, sometimes I still feel really vulnerable. And sometimes… not often… but sometimes it’s an achievement to not give in to the temptation of hiding under some blanket somewhere. Everything is a choice. We can choose how we live our lives. Sometimes those choices are straightforward and other times those choices use up so much brain energy trying to process our decisions or responses. I do feel a bit sad inside at the moment; and then I feel lame from feeling sad, afraid, and unsure in the first place haha.
But all in all, I found this picture… and it brought me a ray of hope.