Step Into My World…

Archive for March, 2012

Super Random Week!

Hey!

So I gotta say my life has been rather adventurous these past few weeks; and I was just thinking about how I should update you all on it!

Let’s start with this week. Well, it all really started on Saturday. The weather. We have had some awwwwwesome weather. And I’m talking about sun tanning weather. Now I realise that to many of my international friend, 20 degrees celsius isn’t hot… but in England, for March, that’s amazing! Poor Laura had to work all day… and I got to hang out in the sunshine all day. Brilliant! Family bbq in the evening and then Laura and I headed out for the night. Since I was the designated driver I wasn’t drinking, which was fine, however I learnt that it was a major bad idea to wear skyscraper heels. Totally not worth it. The night out however… TOTALLY worth it. We went with a cool bunch of friends to a local club and it was just one of those nights that was pretty cool. The music was immense! And no matter how sore my feet hurt, I stayed dancing alllllll night long 😛 Since the clocks went forward that night, Laura and I got home around 3.30am… just as mum and dad were heading out to the airport. Literally. I thought the situation was kind of amusing. Dad was sitting in the chair and mum was curling her hair as Laura and I were brushing our teeth haha.

Sunday was a pretty chillaxed day. I rallied up the recruits in the afternoon and headed off to the parish centre to have a look at one of the rooms there. Next week the youth group are doing a Murder Mystery dinner (eakkk!! so exciting) so we were checking out how to decorate the room. It’s a 1920s theme so we’re trying to make the room as 1920s club like as possible. I can’t wait. Sunday evening was church and then youth. I had to sort out some stuff with them in regards to the weekend away and then YWAM did a seminar with us. Laura and I strolled in through the front doors at 11pm.

Monday was suntan day. I was in the garden blasting my music and soaking up the rays. Of course me being me, I couldn’t sit still for long enough and within half an hour I was already onto my next project, a random bbq for that evening. Several phone calls later, it was planned. I also got to speak to Leah for a bit which totally made my day. Only, when Laura came out into the garden and I passed the phone to her so she could say hi to Leah… the first thing she said to Leah was this: “Errrm, so I just walked into the backgarden and Akila is listening to the Jungle Book soundtrack.” Hahaha, I had no idea. Leah even asked me 10 minutes before if I was having a garden party because of how loud my music was and I was like “nah, just chilling“. But once Laura mentioned it I had a quick scan of what it was that I was listening to and it was in fact Lion King and Jungle Book tunes! Sorry neighbours! Quick trip to the shops and bbq we go! It was small and chilled but good chats round the fire. Nicole and I ended up having a midnight chat (literally) outside her house for about 45 mins when I dropped her off and I eventually got through the front door around 1am!

Tuesday was “meetings” between 10am-4pm and I literally snuggled up on the couch and crashed around 6pm.

Wednesday was my second sun tanning day and Dan came over to hang out for a couple of hours. Third bbq of the week. After some fire side chats Laura, Dan and I decided it was too cold for an early evening stroll so we jumped in he jacuzzi for an hour. That evening, last night, I snuggled into bed and watch Gilmore Girls for a couple of hours. So I still went to bed round 1am!

Today, Thursday, I spoke with Leah for  little while. She informed me that she had been locked outside for a while this morning in her socks… LOL! Then I had  a meeting at a local entertainment venue. After that I went to check out a family friend’s new holiday cottage that they’ve built and decorated. They were having an open day for friends to visit it. Came home, ate dinner, made calls about the murder mystery dinner, and then went shopping with Laura for easter eggs. The adventure for the night was heading over the hospital an hour and a half after visiting hours were over and seeing Miles. He just had an operation on his throat… well, parathyroids and all that jazz. Laura and I walked in at 9.30pm and he was just sitting there in the main enterance with a lovely bag dangling down by his side that was collecting the blood coming out from his throat. So we went for a random stroll, tried breaking into the cafeteria… then realised another room with vending machines was still open. So we sat in there talking for a while. About an hour later this security guy comes up to us and asked who Miles was and then proceeded to inform us that his ward was looking for him. Great, we kidnapped a patient with blood squirting ou his throat. Sounds like a horror movie to be fair haha.

Tomorrow I’m going to be making a good crack on with Murder Mystery dinner stuff. The weather is predicted to be lame again… and even snow on the fells. It can only be England, surely! I’m quite excited about the murder mystery dinner. We have about 28 people coming to it which is exciting. I’ll be sure to take picture of the evening! Next week I have another meal with super awesome friends at a super nice restaurant. The week after next I have a Titanic event happening at mine. Move over 3D, we’re doing 4D Titanic at mine! Basically, it looks like this. White sheet, projector, speakers, chairs, blankets, and ice 😛 Laura and I are so throwing ice at people. Oh, did I mention it’s going to be outside too?? I’m super excited. Oh actually, this weekend I have a Muslim event on the Saturday and a youth social on the Sunday. And at the end of April we’re going on our youth “weekend away“. Only now we’re not actually going away but camping out at the Knight household in the evenings. Got some cool stuff lined up for that too.

So that’s what my week has looked like. Next week people are back from university so I’m hoping to continue catching up with everyone. There’s another major, and I’m meaning major, project in the pipe line too… but that’s sort of on the QT at the moment. You’ll definitely hear all about it very soon no doubt 🙂 I’m sure dad will blog about it as well as me! Hope everyone is well! 🙂

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Love is Waiting

Hey!

Awww, it’s been a while since I heard a super beautiful song. Sure Katy Perry had me rocking to her cover of Jay-Z’s song “Night in Paris” earlier today… How is it that the catchy tunes the inappropriate ones? Haha. Anyways. My faith was restored after hearing “Love is Waiting” by Brooke Fraser. Yey! In fact I decided in about 0.01 of a second that I’m gonna one day walk down the aisle to this song! 😛

Guys I’m gonna be honest. I’m flat out missing having a key person in my life to walk with. And at the moment the thought that keeps going around in my mind is that there isn’t going to be someone for me. Could I be that lucky? That blessed? I hope so. And I hope that there’s a guy out there who will one day really like me 😛

I was definitely not created to live my life alone. No matter how many times I try giving up Facebook… it never happens. Proof in the pudding! 😛 Nah but seriously. I’m so relational… and it scares me a little that it might not happen for me. Sure I can continue to throw myself into investing into the lives of all those around me… But I really don’t want to get married later in life. Having said that, I also know that God’s timing is good and it’s not a bad thing either to get married later.

I’ve never seen relationships as my battle. In the sense that, it’s not for me to initiate a relationship. Maybe I’m wrong on this… or old fashioned or something. But I really have it in my mind that it’s between God and the guy to figure out. Then one day, maybe God and that guy will let me in on it too 😛 Anyways… this song actually spoke to me heaps. And to all my single friends, I’d recommend checking it out 🙂

♪ … I can’t force the sun to rise or hasten summer’s start; Neither should I rush my way into your heart; I’ll be waiting for you baby; I’ll be holding back the darkest night; Love is waiting til we’re ready, til it’s right… ♪


Two Sides To Every Story…

There are two sides to every story, and this is my side, the right one” – Easy A

Hey!

This is one blog I’ve been trying to avoid writing. But last night as I was trying to get to sleep, I came to the conclusion that I should write. And to be honest… I don’t really know how I write this one… Hence the reason for avoiding it haha.

This week I found myself, for the 4th time to my knowledge, in the situation where a guy has “stopped being my friend” because of their partner. And it’s really left me feeling crushed in spirit. I fully understand there are times where it is appropriate to distance yourself in a friendship in order to protect your relationship with your partner. I fully understand some relationships are unhealthy and in order to walk the straight and narrow it’s wise to again, distance yourself. But I’m struggling to understand how this keeps happening in my friendships.

I said I wasn’t going to give any details of each of the circumstances but I am. Forgive me, but I’m baffled, hurt and want to understand. In no particular order:

Situation 1: I was really great friends with a guy for quite a long time, he was in my close net of friends, he met someone and instantly removed me out of his life because she was jealous. This situation so badly hurt me that I left the country and ended up on the ship for a year. In retrospect that turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me as I loved my time on the ship!

Situation 2: I dated a guy, 6 years after we dated he was friends with me on facebook and then removed me from facebook, he said it was precaution and respect for his new partner. However, we hadn’t dated in 6 years, hadn’t seen each other in two years, he didn’t live near me, only spoke on facebook every so often to keep each other updated now and again. At the time of removing me from facebook he remained facebook friends with my entire immediate family on facebook, including Mike.

Situation 3: I was in a relationship but had a number of close guy and girl friends in my core friendship group. One of the girls in this group made it clear to another guy in this group that she was jealous of my friendship with this guy. So he completely backed off. These two were never more than friends to each other yet somehow I lost my friendship with him through it all.

Situation 4: I was friends with a guy for 3 years & considered him to be in my close ring of friends. He lived in another country and so these later few years our contact was limited to emails or facebook chat every so often. I did find out that at one point he liked me but that was 3 years ago and there was never anything more than a friendship between us. However he since got engaged and removed me as a friend of facebook.

I’m sure I can hear some of you saying “If it hurts you so much then remove yourself from facebook!” Haha… But Facebook is such an awesome way for me to remain in contact with people all over the world.

Like I said, I understand the dynamics of relationships and I understand at times it is appropriate to distance yourself… But I’m going to be honest, I struggle to understand why I’ve lost these friendships in these particular situations But ok, I respect the decision to remove me out of the friendship group so I’ll go with the flow. But there are two sides to every story. As a guy I understand that your actions are not malicious and that you’re trying to do the right thing but for me, this is how I feel about it…

In every single one of the situations, the guy never came to me and said anything. Every time I was removed from their facebook and/or out of their lives it was done in silence. I was completely unaware of what was happening and so it comes as a great big fat shock to discover I’ve been removed from their lives like this. Considering all the guys in these situations live so far away, Facebook is the one way of keeping in contact. What you have to try and understand is, every time you or another guy does this, it absolutely crushes me. Why?

I’m incredibly passionate about my friends. I think about you all almost daily. And before God I feel I can honestly say that. I wish I could say I pray for you all every time I think of you… But I certainly think of you. And you’re very much embedded in my heart. Even those I’m not the closest too. I know I don’t always demonstrate that to those around me. But there you go. What you see is what you get with me. And I’m no threat. But if people feel like I am, then I’m so sorry and wish you took the time to share that with me so I could understand, learn, and for you to get to know MY heart more.

Every time I discover something like being removed from someone’s life… And removing me from facebook is that much of a strong statement to me… I get the same sense of “crushing in the spirit” as I did when I was told Mike died. I can’t explain or describe that to you. But I value my friends so much that’s how it feels to suddenly discover you’re not in their lives. No warning. No email to explain. No nothing. You can imagine my shock because I thought you all at least valued me enough to say something. Mike died without warning. He went to sleep and he didn’t wake up. Now I have no chance of talking to him. I have to deal with that daily. The inability to walk life with him. I don’t expect to have to deal with this from my friends too. Friends that I really cherished.

Of course they didn’t realise this and of course they never meant to hurt me so much. These guys have a duty and a responsibility to place their partners above me and meet their needs… But the total lack of communication is so damaging. Ladies, may I just take this opportunity to say you too have a duty and a responsibility and that is you need to learn how to trust your partners. He will always have women in his life that he’s friends with. You can’t expect otherwise. But back on track, right now I have two guy friends in Carlisle. That’s it. Just two that I can sort of seriously say they’re in my close ring of friends. And I’ve been thinking all week, “When are they going to leave too?” I am still, in so many ways, at the place where you only need to scratch the surface and you see I’m still pretty broken. I don’t wish to be like this. I never imagine my life to be at this place. But I’m here and I need to deal with it. But it’s just as I said, incredibly crushing that this keeps happening.

Maybe it’s a total sign to remove guys from my friendships but that to me is just ridiculous. I’m just tried of feeling like I’m their friend until something better comes along. To me, my friendships with guys and girls are not so flippant. If you’re my friend. We’re friends, period. And you mean a great deal to me. A few guys have joked with me and said “If we’re still single at x age then we’ll get married.” You know that’s funny, I find it humorous. I go along with it. But after this week, I’m thinking… “Is that it?” Is that honestly how you guys see me? A filler sort of friend? Someone who your friends with, even great friends, but only until another girl comes along? Because I gotta tell you… that’s not at all how I see my friendship with you. And please, let this be a big wake up call to my feelings on this and please let this cause you to question WHY you are friends with me.

Don’t be close friends with me if I’m just going to be pushed out later down the track. I value you too much for that. I care about you all too much for that. I would literally give up my life if I needed for you. All of you. My guy friends and my girl friends. That’s just me. That’s just how I am. I’m trying to tell you that the way I see our friendship is, based on these reoccurring incidences, apparently very different to how you maybe see it and I need you to please think about this. I can’t keep feeling like I’m being broken in half when these things happen. I all I want is for you all, guys and girls, to understand what you mean to me, and just out of decency tell me “I’m so sorry Akila, I’ve found myself in a situation where I’m feel I need to remove you as a friend on facebook.”

That I can cope with. What I don’t appreciate is finding out like how I have done. And every time, I cry. I cry like a big giant baby because it hurts me so much to realise I apparently valued our friendship more than you did. I wear my heart on my sleeve and fully let you into my heart as a friend… don’t walk all over it anymore. Please. I know none of you mean to or meant to. But now you know. So please figure out what our friendship means to you and please act accordingly.

I’m very aware there are several ways this blog can be taken. I’m also very aware of how silly I may appear over this. I hope the guys will forgive me for sharing some of the background information to each of those situations. I’m just seriously at my wits end on this subject and after spending the last few days majorly sad, unable to get a hold of the friends I would talk to offline… I found myself at a bit of a breaking point. I hope what comes through most is this girl loves you all very much and she just can’t take the tears anymore! Please just think about what I’ve shared with you. I VALUE YOU!