Last night I read this article about “How Guys Really Feel About Sex With Virgins.” And I have to say I came away feeling a bit disappointed. I mean, the article was in the Daily Mail and referred me to a site called “Jezebel.Com” So to be fair it was a bit of a hint for a disappointing article! But like Pandora’s Box the article got me thinking and before I knew it I started peeling the onion layers of my brain.
Here’s what I eventually worked out that was disappointing me. Firstly, many guys don’t think virginity is a big deal. Secondly, many other guys think virginity is a big deal. Now why are BOTH those things a disappointment? Because of the attitudes and motivation behind them. Let me explain.
Why is virginity a big deal? Oh heck, I’m not “qualified” to give this answer… and if I did answer this, how much time do you have for me to explain this whole concept of virginity and its true identity. Today I’m not actually going to answer this one. I think most of us have some sort of understanding why virginity can be a big deal to others. Today I want to focus on the second part of my disappointment.
For many many many people someone’s virginity is very important. As a Christian we’re not suppose to have sex before marriage because of what it represents. Now if you understood what it represented you would understand why it’s such a big deal and since I’m not explaining that part today (of why it’s such a big deal) you’re just going to have to trust me. What virginity represents IS a big deal.
I have heard many people say they’re virgins and waiting for the right person. I think these decisions are personal. Between you and God. And I find anyone making these decisions incredibly admirable. In this day and age where sex is no big deal according to Western society… I think it’s great that people feel they can go against the pressure to follow what everyone else is doing. But here’s where I start to have a problem. Of course when you wait for someone… even to the point of reserving your first kiss for the one you think might be your life long partner… you would hope they did the same. “I waited for you“. There’s a lot of emotional, spiritual, mental and physical energy going into waiting. And what an achievement and amazing experience it will be to get to your wedding night knowing you waited. But what if he or she didn’t wait? What if you are not his or her first one? I do understand the complications of these things. I get it why it’d be complex of marrying someone who didn’t wait. But what I’ve heard in my conversations with some people, is an attitude of self-righteousness that is actually… hate to say it… comes across as condemnation.
I have no doubt… absolutely no doubt that God honors those who love and obey Him. I honestly believe that if one waits God will bless him or her. I don’t know what kind of blessings they are but I just know He would. But allow me to say something… God told us to love one another as God loves the church. The body of Christ is broken, screwed up, delusional, sinful, negative and just…yuck. But God still loves us all. And continually He challenges us to do the same. Let me hold it there and bring another thread of thought into this…
God’s forgiven me for everything… my past, my present and my future. Everything I have ever done, am doing and will do. The bible is clear that through Jesus every tiny fragment of sin is washed away. Now, dad and I were recently discussing Laura and I going out for her birthday and he made a comment about me getting drunk. The way the comment was phrased made it a worthless comment. It wasn’t positive, it wasn’t uplifting, it wasn’t anything. In fact it got to me that much that I turned to him and said “Why are you talking shit?” … Which of course then turned the focus of the topic. Oh deeear… I’m still learning. But later when he and I talked about it I explained to him, “Dad, that comment did nothing. It didn’t achieve anything. There was nothing positive. It was just a worthless comment.” Now it did achieve something, it achieved a strong sence of condemnation. It has been years since I was in that place of going out and getting drunk all the time. But in dad’s mind, he still held me in a place where I was no longer there and actually, the seriousness of it was he preventing me from moving forward. Even after all of this time.
Throughout my social work training we were constantly reminded that disabilities don’t isolate people from society, people do. Their attitudes towards people who have disabilities. Let me give you an example, just this past week I watched a TV show where a disabled lady gave birth to a healthy child and the midwife asked her who was going to look after the baby. The lady replied, “ME of course.” People somehow think that physically disabilities and mental disabilities go hand in hand. It’s true they often do but a person is not automatically mentally disabled just because they are physically disabled. And visa versa. The relevance of this illustartion being, she WAS able to care for her child but we assume too much.
Whether we realise it or not, we hold people in a place where they are not supposed to be. Really think about this and be honest to yourself because at the end of the day… you don’t want to be doing that to those around you. Not when you’re trying to demonstrate the love of God to them.
Let’s go back to the virginity topic. For all of those who made the decision to not wait, and then got serious about God and decided to wait. I have equal respect for you as I do for those who waited in the first place. I find it so admirable that you would mentally, physically, motionally and spiritually fight against learnt behaviour, addiction, “cravings” and not give in.
I understand that my future husband has a story. I understand there are things that I may not like or will find hard. But I know that if he is who God thinks I should marry… then everything will fall into place. Let me put this another way… it does not matter if you have a squeaky clean story or one that has more adventures than Indiana Jones… unless the two of you are walking with God… then to put it bluntly… welcome to hell-hood. The only way a marriage works is if God is in the picture.
I’m not underpaying anyone’s desire to marry a virgin and I’m not advocating to rush out and do a Hosea by marrying a prostitute. What am I saying is don’t fear missing out on God’s blessings. Don’t fear someone with a story… because you too have one. Don’t let your attitude towards your achievements become attitudes of condemnation towards others. And most importantly, don’t hold each other in a place that they are no longer in. I know it’s hard to not look at someone and see their flaws… but I challenge you to challenge yourself on this. I’m learning a lot about all this too. The moral of the story is basically this, the fundamental truth of Jesus is if you walk with Him, He will bless you. And in regards to this topic… With WHOEVER that is 🙂