Something happened today… and I found myself leaving quietly out the backdoor. I can’t write what happened on my blog… but as I left I had this feeling of sadness deep inside my stomach. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it, and almost 12 hours later I still can’t. But… as I was driving this afternoon it dawned on me that these feelings are very similar to the feelings I had in the “first period” after Mike’s death. And if anything, whilst I can’t seem to put my finger on what it is that I exactly feel… I do know that I felt like these feelings greeted me like a close intimate friend that I so missed.
Somehow when Mike died I lost parts of my identity and as I “healed” I seemed to lose other parts of me… Grief kept me close to Mike. The more I healed the more it “stopped hurting” but those feelings of sadness are what “filled the gaps when Mike left“… Those feelings were a part of me, now also being stripped away. That in itself made me feel lost. And today… I felt like I found a little part of myself again. I found grief, pain and hurt again… and it felt like I was coming home. It felt safe. It felt comfortable and familiar. Home, God. Home. I don’t understand. How did it all come to this? Why do I feel that I am more loved, wanted and accepted by sadness? God… I didn’t come for this. I don’t really know what to do anymore. And I haven’t done so for a long time.
So my time in Melbourne was fun. I spoke to some of the people I wanted to speak to. I can’t really share more on that at the moment. But maybe the highlight of the time was walking down the street and finding a random couch on the side of the road. Before we knew it we were helping some random Asian chicks carry it to their house!
Laura got baptised on Sunday and over the past few days I’ve been helping set up and run a big youth event called Elevate. A gospel hiphop dance competition. Was fairly fun to watch. Mum’s birthday was also this week and there have been a couple of days where I’ve found myself talking to people in multiple time zones. Australia being one of the more complex. Can you believe it! Geographically, Perth is the most west you can go, then Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane. Brisbane being the most east you can go. Here’s a riddle. Perth is two hours behind Brisbane: Adelaide is 30 minutes ahead of Brisbane; and Melbourne and Sydney are an hour ahead of Brisbane. CONFUSING! Neither Perth nor Brisbane does daylight savings. Argh! Haha.
I kinda don’t have much to say at the moment. Sorry. I really like “Set Fire to the Rain” by Adele though!