Oh my days, you probably saw I updated my blog and are now thinking “She’s alive?!?!?!?!” My apologies for falling off the face of the planet. Things here have been intense… and I haven’t been able to write and share with you all. I’ve learnt a lot about myself these past few months, amongst all sorts of other things I’ve learnt, and one thing that was really confirmed to me is this. I’m so relational, and I talk about things in order to process. However, sometimes the timing to talk about things isn’t right and so my brain goes into a bit of a shut down mode. Since I can’t share life with you… and be real… then what else can I write about? So here it is… here’s what’s happened and is happening in a nut shell.
I’ve hinted a lot that things in Australia are not quite what they were thought to be. Put it like this, I came here for a purpose and the day I get here I was told that what I came here for isn’t happening now. In retrospect it was there that I should have acted but I’d just arrived to a new country; my brain was all over the place; I was lonely; desperate to familiarise myself with my new surrounding; and set myself up practically for this new country. I was waiting for the key people to come to me with a new plan… but nothing. One some of them weren’t aware of the situation and two they too had expectations of me which weren’t being met because I was so confused by things. And so the lack of communication got worse and worse. I was so scared of things getting personal, I was scared to talk to those I felt I should talk to about the situation incase I was totally out of line in my thoughts and feelings. I was intimated. Not because those around me made me feel that way but because it was a personal struggle. It’s not easy to tell leadership they got something wrong. I told you I’ve been learning a lot!
Anyways the situation came to a bit of a crash and burn when my accommodation sort of got a bit screwed up and I found myself with my belongings in the boot of my car… and sort of nowhere to go. Mum and dad knew the full story of what was happening… so I guess it came as no surprise that I called up mum at 3am her time and cried down the phone that I wanted to come home. That in itself was a statement of how bad the situation was because I’ve never in my life called up mum at 3am pretty much saying “I need you and I want to come home.” The next day I meet with the senior pastor who wasn’t aware of what was happening and told her everything. It came a relief to know I wasn’t off the mark with my confusion and disappointment. A few days later I had a fairly big meeting with the senior pastor and other key individuals. I made it clear to them that I can’t stay in this situation and if I’m to stay and support the work of this church, they need to give me something solid to stay for. This happened last week.
The whole time I’ve been praying and desperately wanting to know hat God wants me to do. So many people have said “Akila, God can work with anything, maybe you should just chose what YOU want to do.” But the frustrating thing is… I haven’t been entirely sure what it is that I even want to do in life. But I’m very certain I really want to be in the centre of God’s will, and whilst I can choose what I want to do… I want HIM to lead and guide me. At the end of the day… I’m here for Him, quite literally. And so whilst He can work with anything… I want Him to use me for HIS plans. Therefore… I need to know what He wants me to do. Three things have been very clear to me. Things I felt on my heart and things that others have consistently said to me. Especially my supporters. One, wait on God. Two, spend time with God in a personal relationship. Three, unless God makes it very clear to me that I should return to England permanently, they would be very careful to advise me to return.
I was walking and talking to God last Monday. And I was again desperately asking God what I should do. I had been feeling over the past two months that God is going to help me. He will provide everything I need. I read somewhere “For every task God calls you to do, He will give you the tools you need to complete it.” And I believed it. Anyways, I was walking and looking up in the trees for Koalas and I was thinking about the verse in the bible about how God provides even for the birds in the skies. “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:26)
Now…. I personally think Koalas would have been a far better illustration than birds! Birds are quite active in looking for food and general survival. Koalas on the other hand live in gum trees, sleep approximately 18 hours a day, they eat only eucalyptus leaves. They eat nothing else, nothing preys on them. They cannot be used for anything. They are literally there for NO reason. They do not contribute anything to the universe. They just look cute. Yet… God provides for them. They wake up and their food is in their face! LITERALLY.
The other thing I was thinking about is… God’s logic is nonsense to the logic of man. Man has ideas that appear very logical and responsible… but some things God calls us to do things that make no sence to those around us. To our minds, it doesn’t appear logical, responsible… and we can so provoke negative discouraging responses to those around us. My integrity felt very questioned over the past few months. And I knew that I really felt God was telling me to work full-time in ministry. I KNOW you can do that and have a job at the same time. A job that pays. But I just didn’t feel at all that’s where God was leading me. How do I explain that? How do I explain that to those that think I’m bumming around? How do I try to tell them I really feel God wants me to dedicate my time to His Kingdom in this kind of way and trust Him that He will ensure I cover my board and costs. I made it very clear from the very start that I WILL pay my way whilst I’m here in Australia. But how do I reveal the revelations God’s given me to others who just don’t seem to understand? God’s logic… doesn’t make sence to the logic of man. So I started praying… “God, if you’re serious about this… you need to demonstrate it to me and those around me.”
This weekend I found myself feeling so desperate. I didn’t know what to do about the situation. I felt like I was hearing so many voices. People, thoughts, opinions, God, doubt, confusion, frustration. On a human level I felt shit because I felt and still feel so useless. I came here fired up and excited and ready to jump in head first… but instead I’ve found myself seriously worn down, very confused, and unable to give my all to tasks because I’ve not had any clue as to what the heck is going on. On a spiritual level… I’ve felt an internal conflict of trusting God and His plans but at the same time… feeling a conviction that I had peace with but just didn’t make sence to my human nature. So I decided, “God… I can’t do this anymore. I need you and I need you now. I’ve tried hard not to put constrictions and conditions on you. But I need you to show me what to do. I’m going to roll the dice. When Judas committed suicide the disciples cast lots to see who should take his place. God, I don’t know if this is right for me to do this. But I’m desperate. You know my heart and I want to know yours. I’m seriously not feeling like you’re being clear with me. So please, forgive me and in your Grace please speak to me. Even through this dice. I believe you are the God of everything… and I believe you have the power to talk to me through this.” I told God if the dice was even, I would go back to England… if the dice was odd… I’d stay in Australia. So I rolled the one dice three times… and each time it was an odd number. So I then said, “OK God, if your serious, in the next 24 hours… please back this up by confirming it.”
The next day was Sunday (just a few days ago). I prayed before I got to church and throughout the service for someone to give me a prophetic word. There was the opportunity to go up during the service for a prophetic word but I chose not to go up. I didn’t want to encourage or initiate anything. I wanted it to be solely from God. At the end of the service a lady I had never seen before came up and said “I believe I have a word from God for you. I felt it last week but lost you in the crowd and I still felt it this week and wanted to share it with you. I believe God wants you to stop looking so far down the river. Like a creek, each bend you take He will reveal more. But stop trying to look so far down the river.” Well… that sat well with me. The fact that this was from someone who didn’t know me or my situation was a start… and the fact that it was like God was saying “Akila trust me, be faithful to the revelations I’ve given you and I will reveal more and more in time” was another. The day wasn’t over… God still had a little more time to confirm things.
Later Sunday evening I was asked to babysit the next day and I had to smile as I was given a financial blessing for doing so. Another reminder that around each bend God will reveal the finances for my needs. Mum also said like the lady and the jar of oil in the bible… just trust God each time you pay for your costs that He will not let the pot go dry. Finally, the next day… Monday night… slightly more than 24 hours… I found myself at an OM Annual Dinner and had quite an interesting chat to the wife of the Australian Director. To cut a long story short… and also, maybe I shouldn’t say too much just yet… I felt a door was clearly being opened by God. The next morning I was at a breakfast with some key OM individuals… and within 3 hours decided to test this apparently opening door and go down to Melbourne… so I booked the flights and the next day… yesterday… I arrive in Melbourne. Even that was bizarre… how everything just seriously fell into place. And even last night things happened in regards to relationships and I just thought “I don’t think this is a mistake I’m here.”
So I’m writing from Melbourne and I’ll be here for 6 days before returning to Brisbane. Like I said, I maybe shouldn’t say too much… but please pray. Please pray for clarification, wisdom, for doors to open or shut, for relationships these next few days, for fun and rest, and for discussions about the things that brought me to Melbourne. Please also pray for doors to open and close with the church that I’m working with in Brisbane. If it’s right for me to continue please pray for a solid plan and if it’s not right then please make that clear in the hearts of those involved… including mine.
I’m feeling like I’m in a better place now to be able to share more about life and my adventures on my blog… So I will really aim to try and update this a lot more. Thanks for your faithfulness in checking out my blog. I can see the stats of how many click on each day and it’s such an encouragement to be reminded of all those walking life with me. Thank you… and be blessed!