After a lot of discussion these past few days regarding communication, as well as reactions and responses to what people do/say, I decided it was time for me to confess something. And today I finally shared it with Fitzy.
When Fitzy and I were in New York he was approached by a promoter trying to sell tickets for a comedy night. Since there was a famous person that Fitzy really wanted to see and since he thought it could be a fun night out he went ahead and ever so generosity bought the tickets. My reaction? Well… I threw a bit of a strop, and rightly so to him I looked like I was in a mood with him. True I thought he was too easily talked into this sale… but that wasn’t the problem.
At the time I knew what the problem was but I was too frustrated to communicate what I was really feeling inside or thinking. Since then I’ve been too ashamed to even admit the problem to myself. I knew all along had I should be straight up and honest with Fitzy. I also knew without a shadow of a doubt that Fitzy would understand this problem… But the problem was with me. I didn’t want to tell him because I was too ashamed to admit the problem to myself. So poor Fitzy for the past few months as never understood the situation and always thought I threw a hissy fit for no apparent reason. Dead right he thought that, especially when I couldn’t even tell him the reason.
So today…. I took the plunge and finally told him. “Fitzy, I can’t hear them.”
When I was in Perth, Fitzy ever so kindly took me and another friend out for the evening. One part of the evening involved going to a comedy club. Now I’d never been to one before and so I wasn’t really sure what to expect. The night was a lot of fun… only when it got to the comedy club part, I didn’t understand a lot of the jokes because I missed so much of what was being said. I couldn’t laugh when others did and so I sat there feeling pretty foolish to be the only one not laughing. I especially didn’t want Fitzy thinking I wasn’t having a good time, because at the end of the day… I loved Fitzy and because he was having a great time… I just wanted to be with him. No matter what we did, no matter whether I enjoyed it or not… I got to hang out with him. And that’s what I wanted. I got to create moments and memories throughout the whole evening. I would have continued to go to a thousand comedy clubs if it meant I got to live life with him… But this time, in New York, I panicked inside. And the feeling of foolishness and embarrassment became too overwhelming.
I’ve been deaf since the age of 18 months old. Which means I’ve been deaf for just over 21 years. You would think after all the social work training on discrimination, oppression and empowerment I would be brave enough to admit this to Fitzy… but I wasn’t. I was deeply embarrassed and ashamed of my flaw. Which is so silly. So so so silly. And I know that. I know it’s not my fault I’m deaf, I know Fitzy would love and respect me in this situation. But the deep sense of shame strangled me and instead I made the situation so much worse. I don’t want to admit I’m different. I don’t want to feel I’m different to others. I don’t want to hinder others and prevent them from doing things in order to “make me happy“, meet my needs or to, I suppose, protect me. But I guess the reality is I do need to communicate it. The lack of communication just meant it looked like I was getting upset over nothing which is a stressful situation for any guy. Least of all did I want to stress Fitz out.
I’ll never be able to fully explain what I feel inside when it comes to my hearing, and why I feel such shame. I’ll never be able to fully explain how my hearing affects me. But Fitzy’s response today was what I was so sure it was going to be all along. He understood. I’m forever encouraging people to be straight up and honest with one another. It saves and prevents so many problems. But… truth is… I’m still learning this art of communication too. And I’ve gotta learn to have faith that the people in my life, like Fitzy… won’t reject me because of my hearing.
Oh my word… life’s a little random at the moment 😀 I actually forgot I had a blog these past 3 days. These past few days blogging has been far from my mind.
Saturday was a total waste of a morning… it was EPIC. I truly succeeded at this art of wastefulness… I think it involved Facebook, email and the news… oh and video clips on MSN. Saturday afternoon Sara had a slight change of plans decided to come hang out with me for a week. So there we have it… Aki and Sara Macy Reunited. It’s been fairly awesome 😛
LOADS of chats, movies, I’m sure I’ve eaten my body weight several times over. It’s been so awesome to have a girlfriend here in the house. She was my cabin mate on the ship for a while and we’ve had numerous adventures together during my time on the ship. In many ways we’re so different and in many other ways we’re so similar. She’s the cutest at watching “I Am Legend” as she freaks out over the “zombies!” 😛 The ship and university has its flaws but I do love living with some of my friends as we get on so well… I know it was very random for her to come here and not at all planned… sort of like a very spur of the moment thing but… I’m so glad. I’ve had a lovely time so far. Things for me have been so busy and it’s been wonderful to have this unexpected situation as it’s been a real blessing. I feel like I’m on holiday even though I’m at home and still cooking for Laura! 😛
I really think reminiscing past events, especially happy ones, are so good for the soul. And how better than to do it with the people it actually involves. It’s so nice to look back and laugh with those who were there, they know, they understand… They can physically visualise the memories with you. I keep saying though “Why don’t I have a car?! The one week you’re here and the parents run off with the car?!” Slightly ironic that I’ve never needed a car before I passed my test and after I do pass my test I suddenly think “No!!! I need a car!” 😛
Tonight I finally understood the feeling for mothers when everyone has gone to bed and you have a moment to sit by yourself. It’s so relaxing! A stillness after the whirlwind of the day. To drink a cup of tea, put your feet up and have the cat walk all over you until he finds a good place to lie down… my legs… and purr. I have felt so encouraged these past 48 or so hours. It’s been wonderful to hear such encouragement about my thoughts and advice. Apparently I have some good stuff! Haha. No seriously… people have said this before but… it’s been very encouraging for me to know God is using me.
Sometimes I wonder if we go through things in life for the sole purpose of God wanting us to support another in that same or very similar situation. On one hand I’ve thought “God, no thanks, I don’t want that kind of pain and responsibility.” But at the same time… what a privilege to know God wants to use you to help another. What better life purpose could there be? The gift of trust and respect people give you when they open themselves up to you and your friendship… to be valued in wanting your opinion and thoughts to be shared…
Sometimes we think so big that we forget the significance of walking life with even just one person. What if our only purpose on Earth was to walk life with someone for 5 minutes? What if that was the ultimate climax of your life? One thing you say… one thing you do… Should we be upset and frustrated at our “tiny” role. No… we really shouldn’t. You were able to, in that moment, give a gift of knowledge, or love, or kindness, or hope, or peace, or forgiveness… something that no one else could have done because God set you aside to do that specific task. God ordained. We want big roles. We want to be superheros in the story of life… Can we accept that we are the superhero of one important and crucial moment? Can we accept that it’s the journey and the learning that molds us and not necessarily the destination or outcome?
I love life. I love people. I love talking. I do think more and more about counselling as a career path. I also know I love God and that he is so faithful to me, and to everyone. Time…. and time…. and time again.