Step Into My World…

Archive for June 1, 2011

Thoughts & the Uncontrol


Ok so, nothing new has happened job wise, BUT, I’m trying to not worry about it anymore and just concentrate on what I do know. Things like packing down my room! I know that wont take very long to do. It’s a one day job tops… just I need to clear out some space in the loft for it. Also, when I went through the loft before I wrote down everything I had up there… I know… I sound really anal and controlling and blah blah blah, trust me I’m not. It’s just I’m actually expecting to be in a situation where ‘m in another country and either need something I’ve boxed or be asking someone to ship me my stuff. So, at least if I have everything boxed with a list of what’s in each box… it’ll make it a lot easy for everyone. See, not so anal anymore. However, I did that… then I lost it all when my computer died and before I backed it up. So now I’m just anal and stupid haha. Sooooo I gotta go back up there and do it again. However I don’t think it’ll take very long because everything is boxed very neatly so it’s a matter of unpacking, writing it down and repacking. Dad is gonna love me 😛 At least I’ll be up in the loft and out his way. Only… I’m gonna have to get use to the head bashing, knee whacking and body bruising… this sounds like that “5, 6, 7, 8” song by Steps hahah. Remember them? Oh dear… that was a long time ago… but incase you’ve forgotten their WONDERFUL music I’ll add a youtube link to this post. Hope you picked up the sarcasm otherwise I’m now anal, stupid, and have a pathetic taste in music. Which I don’t. Lisa VB will back me up on that 😛 Oh my word, just watched the video… *cringe* !!!

Ok, so now that we’ve established that I shall do the loft first and then pack down my room… my facebook status was asking which one to do first… I suppose I better take a look at the LONG list of things I need to do in the next 58 days. Hmmm… just really can’t be bothered to do it if I’m honest. I think the thing is everything depends on the other… so if I can’t get to the office to pick up boxes… then I’m sort of twiddling my thumbs. Of course that’s not the case… it just feels like that. I still have a number of letters I need to hand write and I need to send out a document. I have the document… just need mum to feel like she’s “walked through the door” before I try stealing her lap top 😛

You know… I’ve been thinking… people either like you or they don’t right? Well, there’s been two people in my life at the moment who haven’t told me they have a problem with me at the time of the problem. They never bothered to explain or challenge me. Instead they build preconceived ideas of me that are based on wrongful interpretations and bizarre assumptions that are actually based on their own fear rather than anything to do with me. I’m not perfect, and I really hope people know I never try to be perfect. But unless someone’s willing to talk to me about a problem they have with me… it no longer becomes my problem. How can I fix something I don’t know or understand if people are not willing to talk, explain or listen. I’m strong, I do know that… and maybe I’m intimidating. But funny enough one of the two persons doesn’t know when well enough for that to be an excuse and another person should know me well enough to know that strong personality isn’t who I am at all when you scratch 1mm below the surface. So that can’t be an excuse either then. I guess I’m just a bit confused. Cos most people know I’m very caring and very sensitive. And I’ll always appreciate you for being straight with me. It’s the wishy washy business that makes me wanna literally tear my hair out. So, why do I take the behaviour of these two people so personally? Maybe it really is their problem and not mine… Maybe THIS is why my hair keeps falling out so badly, cos my head hurts thinking about it haha. Like I said, I don’t try to pretend I’m always right, but I do expect people to talk in order for me to understand them and the situation for what it is and not just from my side. *Sighs*

Mum bought up the issue of my hair yesterday. She vacuumed and collected it all up. I got angry with her when she put it on the table to show me. It felt like she was pointing an accusing finger at me “do something about your hair!!” I know something needs to be done but there’s really not a lot I can do! 😦 I know there’s something seriously not right… but we all know I’m gonna go to the doctor and the doctor’s gonna be all like “oh take some paracetamol and rest” 😦 😦 😦 That’s all they ever say! I got angry with mum because I feel absolutely beside myself about it. My hair has been dropping out so much for the past 3 months and I can’t control it. The hairdresser said it’s not to do with hair dye… and I know that too. I’ve dyed my hair for the past 10 years and it’s never done anything like it’s doing now. I can’t brush it, sleep on it or even touch it with out it falling out. It’s not snapping… it’s falling out at the roots. And whilst I have no bald spots…yet… it’s thinning out like no tomorrow. I’m really to go to the doctor because if he doesn’t take me seriously I feel like I’m gonna absolutely lose it with him. Why? Why would I lose control of all emotion like that? Well… I’m fed up. I’m fed up and so unhappy. Inside. I still feel so heavy with emotion. Like on my shoulders. And as soon as something like this happens, that is so out my control that no amount of prayer seems to be working, with pressure on all sides to “do something about my hair.” I feel like I’m going to snap. It sounds so stupid…it’s over my hair. But it’s not, it’s everything. It’s everything that’s happened that I could never control. Never prevent… never had the chance to put right.

I guess I’ll just go… and see what happens… and pray so hard that I don’t lose the plot of sanity in the mean time.