Oh my word, this is getting to the point where it’s quite literally amazing.
As you know I’ve been searching high and low for a job and tonight it feels like it’s something has been confirmed. I really should have got this one job I applied for… there were 5 positions and I was more than qualified to get it… but tonight I found I didn’t get it after all. I suppose I could be frustrated and overwhelmed by that… I have been so far… but I think I’m fast coming to the conclusion that God is up to something. There’s gotta be a reason for me not getting any of these jobs.
Two years ago I failed 3 essays. I had to leave the ship for two weeks, go back home and redo them. At the time I was absolutely besides myself as I had worked so hard on them and my best wasn’t good enough… one of them I’d already failed prior to this second failure. I did the work, came back to the ship, and two weeks later Mike died. It was only in time that I understood God used that opportunity for me to go home and spend two final weeks with Mike. Two weeks that I never would have got had there not been a serious reason to force me to go home. Two weeks of final moments that I would have just died inside had I not have got the opportunity for them.
I look at this whole job situation and really am starting to think… God, what are you up to? I know in time I’ll understand. I keep saying it, but it’s like God is cutting so much out my life… and keep wondering is He preparing me for something big? Something big that needs me to be 100% free to go when He calls me? Is God trying to challenge my concept of faith and trust in Him with finances? I said a year ago I didn’t want to work this year… I felt so right before God on that… and I didn’t stick with it… Actually, it just occurred to me that I’m trying to do all this is my own strength. I know God helps those who help themselves… but maybe I’ve been trying “too hard“. Is that possible? Maybe I need to “sit back” and wait on God.
When there’s a pressure to create money the last thing you’re going to do is “sit back and wait on God.” So I guess… in a way tonight was the “final straw“. As a result of tonight I’m going to change my tactics. Rightly or wrongly, I’m going to change them. I’m going to stop spending hours and hours trying to find a job and filling out applications… I’m gonna pray instead. I have been praying. But for at least the next 7 days, that’s all I’m going to do. And I guess after 7 days I’ll hopefully know more… maybe.
There’s a big part of me that honestly thinks God just wants me to be and to enjoy. I asked for a year “off” and that’s what’s been given to me so far. Almost 9 months already. That should be a sign right? So why do I struggle to accept it? That God could just give me a year? A year to be, to process, to recover from a very long 10 years of intense drama, a year to just hang with my family? A year of Him just building up my emotional, spiritual and physical strength for what’s to come? Maybe that’s what this is all about.
Today it’s the 30th of May. Today, I’m going to stop worrying. And trust. I don’t have the answers… but this is what I do know. God loves me. And He knows what I need. I’ve tried everything I can in my power. And so I’m just now going to rest in His presence and wait for Him to move me in one direction or the other. Wait for Him to open the doors. And wait for Him to help me out with my finances. Rest and waiting doesn’t mean lounging around… it means I gotta stop pushing what can’t be pushed and just wait in the starting block, ready for the gun to go off.
So as I write it’s cold and rainy outside… and I have the house to myself. Laura’s just gone off for a 4 day canoeing trip in Scotland, mum’s in Italy and will arrive back tonight, and Dad’s in India. It’s sort of been a funny two weeks… I’ve been doing things on my “list of things to do” but it’s all taking a really long time. Maybe it’s because mum and dad have been away pretty much for the entire month of May and Laura and I have been “in charge of running the house“. Can I just say… eating takes up like 25% of my day?! By the time you cook, eat and wash up… I’ve been trying to think how I did it at university haha. It’s not that long ago but already I forget how I managed to do loads of cooking. Maybe I didn’t and lived off coffee… yeah, that sounds about right 😛
So anyways, movie wise. Laura and I watched “Eat Pray Love” the other night. Since we have one parent in Italy and another in India we figured “What are the chances of that!” and dressed up in beach stuff, ate spaghetti and pretended we were in Bali. Last night I watched “Last King of Scotland” and ever so nicely told Laura “You are NOT going to Africa… EVER!” haha. Oh man, Africa is a very… very… interesting place. I absolutely agree it’s a wonderful place to go if you’re trying to make positive change… but as for Laura… my baby sister… I’ll turn grey if she goes haha.
So, I do actually have a lot to write about… stuff going on inside my head and with God… but I’m still thinking things through and will maybe write about that soon 🙂
I’m fairly *hearting* this song… If you’re looking for something touching about love, families and loss… this is one to listen to! I first heard it from Joe Mcelderry… but I do like the orignial version by Luther Vandross 😀
Ok!! I have a Pay Pal linked to this blog now. I’m getting with the times hahaha. On the right hand side immediately under the slide show across the top of the website you will see a “Donate” box. If you click this it will automatically take you to PayPal and you can just follow the steps 🙂
Why do I have a Pay Pal connected to this blog? WELL! I’m off to Australia for 12 months to work with my church as an unpaid volunteer. I’m going to be working with the leadership on some pretty exciting projects including community work, youth work, missions and training. I’ve managed to save and pay for my airfare and insurance but I’m dependant on savings and the kind support of others in order to meet my financial needs whilst I’m away. So far I had a big sale whereby I sold a whole load of my personal belongings in order to raise money and I’m going to get a second part time job in Australia. However in the mean time I’m really scrapping here and there to raise as much as I can before I go!!
I would be so grateful for any size donation, even just 5 £/$/Euro!!! Also there is no limit on currency, however GBP (Great British Pounds) would be ideal! If you have any questions, problems, concerns do get in touch by commenting on this blog. See the link “Leave a comment” under the post 🙂 Also, I think you can chose to remain anonymous if you donate… you certainly can pick this option but I would like to ask that you please don’t opt for this as I would REALLY like to personally thank you and include you in my quarterly updates that I shall be sending out whilst away!! 😀
If you would like to support me but do not wish to use Pal Pay, if you get in touch with me then I can send you my bank details! 😀
So my day was rather weird before it even got started.
Firstly, the postman knocked on the door… JUST as I got out the shower. *Awkward Turtle* !!!! I knew dad was expecting a parcel and so I couldn’t not open the door. So dressing gown and towel on my head it was. I reckon the postal service have quite literally seen it all. I know my postman has. I still think the best one was when he showed up and my house was pouring with water out the ceilings.
Then I got a phone call on the house phone from a dodgy sounding woman. I answer with a hello and she responds back with a “Ya alllllrighttt???” in a tone of tone that was rather questionable lol!! Me being fully freaked out I was like “Who’s this?!” Apparently it was a wrong number… she sounded a little shocked and embarrassed when I asked her who she was haha.
So, here’s a little update on my life…
I finished my 6th exam today. I have one more which will most likely get done either Thursday next week or the following Tuesday. Then that’s my computer course over with… yes! The next few weeks I’m going to be spending a lot of time practicing my driving. I have a test coming up and I REALLY wanna pass the first time as I just cannot afford to take it again at the moment.
How’s the jobs going? A flippen disaster… whilst I’ve been doing my course I haven’t been applying to jobs as I can’t work and study at the same time. But after my 5th exam I’ve been back applying to all sorts so that I might have a job to go into soon after finishing my studies. So far it’s either been rejections or they haven’t got back to me. I suppose that’s a hopeful sign… but I’ve been pestering them anyways (maybe this is why I’m being rejected because I’m annoying hahahaha)… I really need a job. I keep praying for something! Anything! Once my computer course is finished the people who run it are lining up some work experience for me… which is great if it’s paid. Otherwise I’m really not interested. Why? Because I’ll have to pay £20-£30 every time I go to work for them as I have to get a train and it’s a 3 hour commute every time. If I go 3 days a week that’s potentially 9 hours commute time and £90 every week! I don’t have that time or money when I’m trying to get my drivers licence and save for Australia. But, even after saying all that… I keep coming back to what happened in Australia…
Dad and I were walking along the beach and I told him, “I don’t wanna work this year. I need a year out after everything that’s gone on. I need a break from everything and I just wanna concentrate on my computer course and my drivers licence and take a bit of a gap year.” As soon as I got home two months later I hit the ground running and have searched for jobs ever since… especially after people gave me such a hard time over my “attitude” suggesting I was lazy, a stinge and had my prioritises all wrong… Ironically, even after applying to so many jobs, today I still don’t have one. I’ve wondered a lot these past few months if God’s not having a bit of a smile at me and is just telling me it’s ok to have a year out, not worry about a job but to trust him, and that this was his plan all along. But, having said all that, I would GLADLY take one asap because I need money! 😦
How are the Australia plans? Well, that’s all good I think. Everything’s booked and paid. As in tickets and insurance. I don’t have too much more to share as I gotta wait to hear back from the assistant pastor. I need to start thinking about packing down my room. Not that it would take long but I actually have a lot to do and so the sooner I get started on things the better.
Also, I really wanna see quite a number of people before I go… and whilst I’d love to go and visit a whole bunch of them… my finances are not going to allow that at the moment. So I’m gonna talk to mum and dad when they get back from Italy/India about having a “Akila birthday/Dad birthday/Akila goodbye party” at the end of August before I go. That’d be super sweet as I’d really like to see as many people as possible before I go just incase it turns out I don’t return after a year as planned at the moment.
Hmmmm… what can you pray for… money. Money money and more money. Ideally, I’d love a job, to pass my driver’s test the first time around and to find some more people who’d be willing to support me whilst I’m in Australia. Maybe I could sell my spit… anyone interested?? 😛 Anyways… loads more has gone on but I’ll write different blogs for that 😛
So, me, Laura and mum always had two boys around the house to help us with job. Mike and dad. Dad did all the main jobs and Mike did what he could when he could. As he got older though Mike started doing more and more. Lifting stuff in and out of the loft for us girls; helping dad in the garden; helping cut wood or put home equipment together…
Mike had an eye for things. He wasn’t very clever when it came to exams… but, he knew stuff. He knew the answers… actually the kid from “The Blind Side” reminds me a little of Mike… if you asked him a question, he’d tell you the answer. There was one time where Mike had a walking robot that some how broke. Dad took a look at it and wrote it off as to throw in the trash. Mike took it away and came back a little while later with it all fixed. When dad asked Mike what he did, Mike just explained very logically you do this and that and the other will work. Mike could look at something and understand the way it worked.
When I got my latest lap top I never went to dad with questions because he didn’t understand Vista. I went to Mike, because he knew what to do. Today my laptop had to be rewritten… and I’ve lost 250GB of data… some of it I can back up thankfully… other stuff I lost because sadly for me I was in the middle of backing things up when it died. And it all got me thinking about how between Mike and dad… they always helped. Where one couldn’t the other could. Now it’s just dad.
Whilst dad is more than competent to do what needs doing in life… there is a gap. Some things Laura and I have started doing for ourselves… like getting stuff in and out the loft, taking out the rubbish, Laura even does the mowing of the grass sometimes… Things that are not big jobs but somehow are all factors that through the shifting of family roles and dynamics… have been passed onto myself or Laura. And then of course there’s stuff that mum and dad do now not Mike…
But as dad was doing the gardens recently, he was saying how he’s getting older now. He can still do stuff, but in his mind he still feels 30. Mike would have naturally taken over as he got older… and now I wonder who will. Mike was always a home boy. I could have seen him staying close to mum and dad… definately same country… but Laura and I are off and ready to fly. I never had to think about dad and mum and how things would be as they got older. The practical stuff… but without Mike I sometimes wonder what things will look like now. Things I never thought about before I do now. It’s not a question of are we all going to be ok, it’s a relisation of yet again, there were two boys, and now theres one. And it’s simply looking at the dynamics and trying to work out how it’s going to work.
One thing for certain, I really appreicate all the help Mike and dad have given to me over the years. And I really hope if I have kids that I’ll have a son and daughter so that they too can experience that kind of brother/sister relationship. Mike liked his play station and spent hours in his room on his guitar but actually, he was very hard working and really gave a helping hand where he could. I think I’m going to ban my kids from electonics and live in the middle of no where haha… ok no, I wouldn’t be able to hack that haha… but yea, I do appreciate what Mike grew up to be.
So Radio 1 Big Weekend was AMAZING… not gonna lie. It all started about 6 weeks ago when Laura and I registered for two of the 40,000 free and only tickets. Amazingly we got them!!! Even though almost 900,000 registered! We got the Sunday Tickets however I really wanted the Saturday ones. I shouldn’t complain as they were free and I got to watch Saturdays events live online… just I knew so much more of the music playing on the Saturday… But, happily, Sunday was pretty awesome…
It started at 8am. Laura and I woke up and part of getting ready involved hair spraying our hair like we were about to enter into a tornado hahahahaha…We just wanted the full on messy festival look. She braved it with shorts, but I worn jeggins, and wellys were a must. A field with 40,000 people? In England? It was mud central. Once we were dressed and ate our bacon sandwiches, we legged it up to the shop to get some money out for the day; then we were picked up at 10am. We got to the airport in 10 minutes flat and were pleased to discover we were in the first 1,000 people.
Having said that as soon as we arrived the queue behind us LITERALLY exploded and within minutes thousands more arrived. The gates opened at 11.15am, and we ran to the main tent. We being Laura, myself, Ruth, Izzy, Emma and Susanna… oh and also, did I mention it was freezing, wet and muddy outside? Hahaha but no, we wanted the best view.
As soon as we entered the main tent we were SO excited to see we were quite close to the front and so that’s where we stayed. Within minutes my personal space had already been so badly invaded. People seemed to think it approriate to dance up against my back or arm and I was getting so fed up of the pushing and shoving from all angles… It wasn’t even 12pm!! Lol!!!
The show kicked off at 1pm with Bruno Mars and then The Wombats. Each set was about 30 min long with a 30 min break in between. We left at the start of the second set because we were hungry. It was a big debate whether to leave or not as we fully knew there was NO WAY we’d manage to get passed everyone and back to such a great view. But we deicded to go as we had more of a chance of getting closer later when the acts weren’t very good. Who cares about Olly Murs?! 😛
So we ran out…well…snail paced pushing our way out and then ran to get food hahaha. There were 5 stages and the music was LOUD… my ears are still messed up 6 days later from the weekend hahaha. Food was expensive but not horrendous… sort of like airport food. The queue to the toilet wasn’t bad but oh my word…it was FOUL BEYOND ALL BELIEF… sometimes I wish I was a guy hahahah. Laura and I went prepared with our toilet paper 😛
When we went back to the main tent it was 3.30pm and we were able to get quite close as a number of people left during the less popular acts but we were still quite far away. Slowly but surely we managed to get closer and closer until we were literally so close. The whole time we could fully see the singers and we were never more than 20 meters away from the front of the stage. Towards the end during The Script, Taio Cruz, My Chemical Romance and Gaga we were literally 10 meters away and less. We got such great photos.
But yea right by 6pm I was really struggling with my back, my legs were sore, I deliberately dehydrated myself and was so badly pushed/shoved from every angle. People were so rude…it was amazing. This girl and her mate tried to get passed me and were so arrognant… I gave her the “worst look ever” according to Laura. The girl’s mate fully freaked out thinking I was gonna absolutely smack one of them. I didn’t realise I gave her such a bad look!! I did look at her like “Are you seriously taking the piss here? I’ve been pushed and shoved hard all day long and now you have the cheek and audacity to arrogantly push passed me and saying “Errrrrr can you move please??”” Lol!!!!! Even Laura thought I was gonna throw a punch!!! I was never going to hit her, I just looked at her in frustration and disbelief! Especially because we got yelled at by people in front for pushing them when others shoved us from behind… *sighs*
But yea… the whole day was still so amazing. Gaga is such an amazing performer and Taio left me buzzing. And to have got right up the front like that…. Absolutely made such a difference! 😀 Took us 2 hours to make the 10 min trip home as there was so much traffic hahah. Thank goodness I didn’t need the toilet! But yea… 13 hours on my feet… was fairly whacked 😛 So worth it though 😀