Step Into My World…

Archive for May, 2011

Quite Literally Amazing…

Hey!

Oh my word, this is getting to the point where it’s quite literally amazing.

As you know I’ve been searching high and low for a job and tonight it feels like it’s something has been confirmed. I really should have got this one job I applied for… there were 5 positions and I was more than qualified to get it… but tonight I found I didn’t get it after all. I suppose I could be frustrated and overwhelmed by that… I have been so far… but I think I’m fast coming to the conclusion that God is up to something. There’s gotta be a reason for me not getting any of these jobs.

Two years ago I failed 3 essays. I had to leave the ship for two weeks, go back home and redo them. At the time I was absolutely besides myself as I had worked so hard on them and my best wasn’t good enough… one of them I’d already failed prior to this second failure. I did the work, came back to the ship, and two weeks later Mike died. It was only in time that I understood God used that opportunity for me to go home and spend two final weeks with Mike. Two weeks that I never would have got had there not been a serious reason to force me to go home. Two weeks of final moments that I would have just died inside had I not have got the opportunity for them.

I look at this whole job situation and really am starting to think… God, what are you up to? I know in time I’ll understand. I keep saying it, but it’s like God is cutting so much out my life… and keep wondering is He preparing me for something big? Something big that needs me to be 100% free to go when He calls me? Is God trying to challenge my concept of faith and trust in Him with finances? I said a year ago I didn’t want to work this year… I felt so right before God on that… and I didn’t stick with it… Actually, it just occurred to me that I’m trying to do all this is my own strength. I know God helps those who help themselves… but maybe I’ve been trying “too hard“. Is that possible? Maybe I need to “sit back” and wait on God.

When there’s a pressure to create money the last thing you’re going to do is “sit back and wait on God.” So I guess… in a way tonight was the “final straw“. As a result of tonight I’m going to change my tactics. Rightly or wrongly, I’m going to change them. I’m going to stop spending hours and hours trying to find a job and filling out applications… I’m gonna pray instead. I have been praying. But for at least the next 7 days, that’s all I’m going to do. And I guess after 7 days I’ll hopefully know more… maybe.

There’s a big part of me that honestly thinks God just wants me to be and to enjoy. I asked for a year “off” and that’s what’s been given to me so far. Almost 9 months already. That should be a sign right? So why do I struggle to accept it? That God could just give me a year? A year to be, to process, to recover from a very long 10 years of intense drama, a year to just hang with my family? A year of Him just building up my emotional, spiritual and physical strength for what’s to come? Maybe that’s what this is all about.

Today it’s the 30th of May. Today, I’m going to stop worrying. And trust. I don’t have the answers… but this is what I do know. God loves me. And He knows what I need. I’ve tried everything I can in my power. And so I’m just now going to rest in His presence and wait for Him to move me in one direction or the other. Wait for Him to open the doors. And wait for Him to help me out with my finances. Rest and waiting doesn’t mean lounging around… it means I gotta stop pushing what can’t be pushed and just wait in the starting block, ready for the gun to go off.


Random Update.

Hey,

So as I write it’s cold and rainy outside… and I have the house to myself. Laura’s just gone off for a 4 day canoeing trip in Scotland, mum’s in Italy and will arrive back tonight, and Dad’s in India. It’s sort of been a funny two weeks… I’ve been doing things on my “list of things to do” but it’s all taking a really long time. Maybe it’s because mum and dad have been away pretty much for the entire month of May and Laura and I have been “in charge of running the house“. Can I just say… eating takes up like 25% of my day?! By the time you cook, eat and wash up… I’ve been trying to think how I did it at university haha. It’s not that long ago but already I forget how I managed to do loads of cooking. Maybe I didn’t and lived off coffee… yeah, that sounds about right 😛

So anyways, movie wise. Laura and I watched “Eat Pray Love” the other night. Since we have one parent in Italy and another in India we figured “What are the chances of that!” and dressed up in beach stuff, ate spaghetti and pretended we were in Bali. Last night I watched “Last King of Scotland” and ever so nicely told Laura “You are NOT going to Africa… EVER!” haha. Oh man, Africa is a very… very… interesting place. I absolutely agree it’s a wonderful place to go if you’re trying to make positive change… but as for Laura… my baby sister… I’ll turn grey if she goes haha.

So, I do actually have a lot to write about… stuff going on inside my head and with God… but I’m still thinking things through and will maybe write about that soon 🙂


Dance With My Father….

I’m fairly *hearting* this song… If you’re looking for something touching about love, families and loss… this is one to listen to! I first heard it from Joe Mcelderry… but I do like the orignial version by Luther Vandross 😀


I NEED YOUR SUPPORT!

Hey!

Ok!! I have a Pay Pal linked to this blog now. I’m getting with the times hahaha. On the right hand side immediately under the slide show across the top of the website you will see a “Donate” box. If you click this it will automatically take you to PayPal and you can just follow the steps 🙂

Why do I have a Pay Pal connected to this blog? WELL! I’m off to Australia for 12 months to work with my church as an unpaid volunteer. I’m going to be working with the leadership on some pretty exciting projects including community work, youth work, missions and training. I’ve managed to save and pay for my airfare and insurance but I’m dependant on savings and the kind support of others in order to meet my financial needs whilst I’m away. So far I had a big sale whereby I sold a whole load of my personal belongings in order to raise money and I’m going to get a second part time job in Australia. However in the mean time I’m really scrapping here and there to raise as much as I can before I go!!

I would be so grateful for any size donation, even just 5 £/$/Euro!!! Also there is no limit on currency, however GBP (Great British Pounds) would be ideal! If you have any questions, problems, concerns do get in touch by commenting on this blog. See the link “Leave a comment” under the post 🙂 Also, I think you can chose to remain anonymous if you donate… you certainly can pick this option but I would like to ask that you please don’t opt for this as I would REALLY like to personally thank you and include you in my quarterly updates that I shall be sending out whilst away!! 😀

If you would like to support me but do not wish to use Pal Pay, if you get in touch with me then I can send you my bank details! 😀


Trippy! & An Update

Hey!

So my day was rather weird before it even got started.

Firstly, the postman knocked on the door… JUST as I got out the shower. *Awkward Turtle* !!!! I knew dad was expecting a parcel and so I couldn’t not open the door. So dressing gown and towel on my head it was. I reckon the postal service have quite literally seen it all. I know my postman has. I still think the best one was when he showed up and my house was pouring with water out the ceilings.

Then I got a phone call on the house phone from a dodgy sounding woman. I answer with a hello and she responds back with a “Ya alllllrighttt???” in a tone of tone that was rather questionable lol!! Me being fully freaked out I was like “Who’s this?!” Apparently it was a wrong number… she sounded a little shocked and embarrassed when I asked her who she was haha.

So, here’s a little update on my life…

I finished my 6th exam today. I have one more which will most likely get done either Thursday next week or the following Tuesday. Then that’s my computer course over with… yes! The next few weeks I’m going to be spending a lot of time practicing my driving. I have a test coming up and I REALLY wanna pass the first time as I just cannot afford to take it again at the moment.

How’s the jobs going? A flippen disaster… whilst I’ve been doing my course I haven’t been applying to jobs as I can’t work and study at the same time. But after my 5th exam I’ve been back applying to all sorts so that I might have a job to go into soon after finishing my studies. So far it’s either been rejections or they haven’t got back to me. I suppose that’s a hopeful sign… but I’ve been pestering them anyways (maybe this is why I’m being rejected because I’m annoying hahahaha)… I really need a job. I keep praying for something! Anything! Once my computer course is finished the people who run it are lining up some work experience for me… which is great if it’s paid. Otherwise I’m really not interested. Why? Because I’ll have to pay £20-£30 every time I go to work for them as I have to get a train and it’s a 3 hour commute every time. If I go 3 days a week that’s potentially 9 hours commute time and £90 every week! I don’t have that time or money when I’m trying to get my drivers licence and save for Australia. But, even after saying all that… I keep coming back to what happened in Australia…

Dad and I were walking along the beach and I told him, “I don’t wanna work this year. I need a year out after everything that’s gone on. I need a break from everything and I just wanna concentrate on my computer course and my drivers licence and take a bit of a gap year.” As soon as I got home two months later I hit the ground running and have searched for jobs ever since… especially after people gave me such a hard time over my “attitude” suggesting I was lazy, a stinge and had my prioritises all wrong… Ironically, even after applying to so many jobs, today I still don’t have one. I’ve wondered a lot these past few months if God’s not having a bit of a smile at me and is just telling me it’s ok to have a year out, not worry about a job but to trust him, and that this was his plan all along. But, having said all that, I would GLADLY take one asap because I need money! 😦

How are the Australia plans? Well, that’s all good I think. Everything’s booked and paid. As in tickets and insurance. I don’t have too much more to share as I gotta wait to hear back from the assistant pastor. I need to start thinking about packing down my room. Not that it would take long but I actually have a lot to do and so the sooner I get started on things the better.

Also, I really wanna see quite a number of people before I go… and whilst I’d love to go and visit a whole bunch of them… my finances are not going to allow that at the moment. So I’m gonna talk to mum and dad when they get back from Italy/India about having a “Akila birthday/Dad birthday/Akila goodbye party” at the end of August before I go. That’d be super sweet as I’d really like to see as many people as possible before I go just incase it turns out I don’t return after a year as planned at the moment.

Hmmmm… what can you pray for… money. Money money and more money. Ideally, I’d love a job, to pass my driver’s test the first time around and to find some more people who’d be willing to support me whilst I’m in Australia. Maybe I could sell my spit… anyone interested?? 😛 Anyways… loads more has gone on but I’ll write different blogs for that 😛


The Boys Job…

Hey!

So, me, Laura and mum always had two boys around the house to help us with job. Mike and dad. Dad did all the main jobs and Mike did what he could when he could. As he got older though Mike started doing more and more. Lifting stuff in and out of the loft for us girls; helping dad in the garden; helping cut wood or put home equipment together…

Mike had an eye for things. He wasn’t very clever when it came to exams… but, he knew stuff. He knew the answers… actually the kid from “The Blind Side” reminds me a little of Mike… if you asked him a question, he’d tell you the answer. There was one time where Mike had a walking robot that some how broke. Dad took a look at it and wrote it off as to throw in the trash. Mike took it away and came back a little while later with it all fixed. When dad asked Mike what he did, Mike just explained very logically you do this and that and the other will work. Mike could look at something and understand the way it worked.

When I got my latest lap top I never went to dad with questions because he didn’t understand Vista. I went to Mike, because he knew what to do. Today my laptop had to be rewritten… and I’ve lost 250GB of data… some of it I can back up thankfully… other stuff I lost because sadly for me I was in the middle of backing things up when it died. And it all got me thinking about how between Mike and dad… they always helped. Where one couldn’t the other could. Now it’s just dad.

Whilst dad is more than competent to do what needs doing in life… there is a gap. Some things Laura and I have started doing for ourselves… like getting stuff in and out the loft, taking out the rubbish, Laura even does the mowing of the grass sometimes… Things that are not big jobs but somehow are all factors that through the shifting of family roles and dynamics… have been passed onto myself or Laura. And then of course there’s stuff that mum and dad do now not Mike…

But as dad was doing the gardens recently, he was saying how he’s getting older now. He can still do stuff, but in his mind he still feels 30. Mike would have naturally taken over as he got older… and now I wonder who will. Mike was always a home boy. I could have seen him staying close to mum and dad… definately same country… but Laura and I are off and ready to fly. I never had to think about dad and mum and how things would be as they got older. The practical stuff… but without Mike I sometimes wonder what things will look like now. Things I never thought about before I do now. It’s not a question of are we all going to be ok, it’s a relisation of yet again, there were two boys, and now theres one. And it’s simply looking at the dynamics and trying to work out how it’s going to work.

One thing for certain, I really appreicate all the help Mike and dad have given to me over the years. And I really hope if I have kids that I’ll have a son and daughter so that they too can experience that kind of brother/sister relationship. Mike liked his play station and spent hours in his room on his guitar but actually, he was very hard working and really gave a helping hand where he could. I think I’m going to ban my kids from electonics and live in the middle of no where haha… ok no, I wouldn’t be able to hack that haha… but yea, I do appreciate what Mike grew up to be.


Radio 1 Big Weekend!

Hey!

So Radio 1 Big Weekend was AMAZING… not gonna lie. It all started about 6 weeks ago when Laura and I registered for two of the 40,000 free and only tickets. Amazingly we got them!!! Even though almost 900,000 registered! We got the Sunday Tickets however I really wanted the Saturday ones. I shouldn’t complain as they were free and I got to watch Saturdays events live online… just I knew so much more of the music playing on the Saturday… But, happily, Sunday was pretty awesome…

It started at 8am. Laura and I woke up and part of getting ready involved hair spraying our hair like we were about to enter into a tornado hahahahaha…We just wanted the full on messy festival look. She braved it with shorts, but I worn jeggins, and wellys were a must. A field with 40,000 people? In England? It was mud central. Once we were dressed and ate our bacon sandwiches, we legged it up to the shop to get some money out for the day; then we were picked up at 10am. We got to the airport in 10 minutes flat and were pleased to discover we were in the first 1,000 people.

Having said that as soon as we arrived the queue behind us LITERALLY exploded and within minutes thousands more arrived. The gates opened at 11.15am, and we ran to the main tent. We being Laura, myself, Ruth, Izzy, Emma and Susanna… oh and also, did I mention it was freezing, wet and muddy outside? Hahaha but no, we wanted the best view.

As soon as we entered the main tent we were SO excited to see we were quite close to the front and so that’s where we stayed. Within minutes my personal space had already been so badly invaded. People seemed to think it approriate to dance up against my back or arm and I was getting so fed up of the pushing and shoving from all angles… It wasn’t even 12pm!! Lol!!!

The show kicked off at 1pm with Bruno Mars and then The Wombats. Each set was about 30 min long with a 30 min break in between. We left at the start of the second set because we were hungry. It was a big debate whether to leave or not as we fully knew there was NO WAY we’d manage to get passed everyone and back to such a great view. But we deicded to go as we had more of a chance of getting closer later when the acts weren’t very good. Who cares about Olly Murs?! 😛

So we ran out…well…snail paced pushing our way out and then ran to get food hahaha. There were 5 stages and the music was LOUD… my ears are still messed up 6 days later from the weekend hahaha. Food was expensive but not horrendous… sort of like airport food. The queue to the toilet wasn’t bad but oh my word…it was FOUL BEYOND ALL BELIEF… sometimes I wish I was a guy hahahah. Laura and I went prepared with our toilet paper 😛

When we went back to the main tent it was 3.30pm and we were able to get quite close as a number of people left during the less popular acts but we were still quite far away. Slowly but surely we managed to get closer and closer until we were literally so close. The whole time we could fully see the singers and we were never more than 20 meters away from the front of the stage. Towards the end during The Script, Taio Cruz, My Chemical Romance and Gaga we were literally 10 meters away and less. We got such great photos.

But yea right by 6pm I was really struggling with my back, my legs were sore, I deliberately dehydrated myself and was so badly pushed/shoved from every angle. People were so rude…it was amazing. This girl and her mate tried to get passed me and were so arrognant… I gave her the “worst look ever” according to Laura. The girl’s mate fully freaked out thinking I was gonna absolutely smack one of them. I didn’t realise I gave her such a bad look!! I did look at her like “Are you seriously taking the piss here? I’ve been pushed and shoved hard all day long and now you have the cheek and audacity to arrogantly push passed me and saying “Errrrrr can you move please??”” Lol!!!!! Even Laura thought I was gonna throw a punch!!! I was never going to hit her, I just looked at her in frustration and disbelief! Especially because we got yelled at by people in front for pushing them when others shoved us from behind… *sighs*

But yea… the whole day was still so amazing. Gaga is such an amazing performer and Taio left me buzzing. And to have got right up the front like that…. Absolutely made such a difference! 😀 Took us 2 hours to make the 10 min trip home as there was so much traffic hahah. Thank goodness I didn’t need the toilet! But yea… 13 hours on my feet… was fairly whacked 😛 So worth it though 😀


Dynamite…

He says it too well… I’m still buzzing from the weekend… can’t believe I got to stand 10 meters away from Taio Cruz!


Want Colour?


You.

Sometimes I look back over what you did, what you said… and I think to myself, “Why the F*** are you still in my life and why am I still talking to you?


It really could only be God… cos I sure has hell don’t understand it.


Eating Makes Me Cry…

Hey!

So I thought about writing this under my “Psych of a Woman’s Mind” page but decided to keep it on my main blog.

As you’re well aware millions of ladies suffer with an eating disorder of some kind during at least one time in their lives. I know men do too but for now I’m just gonna look at this from one angle. To be absolutely honest I don’t know how to address this subject other than to be honest and speak only for myself on this.

Why do girls have an eating disorder? There are hundreds of reasons why. When does one have an eating disorder? Again I think this is subjective to the person. I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food and my weight. And so I have to be super discipline in some areas of my life. One thing about me that only one person knows until now is that I go through stages, and have done for years, where I find I weigh myself several times a day. Why? I guess for me it’s a sense of achievement and control. And usually it’s when things are busy or I’m feeling sad/hurt/negative about something. At my heaviest I was 66kg or 10.4 stone… and on my 5 ft 3 frame that was over weight. I’m now down to approximately 57.8kg or 9.1 stone. I lost that gradually and healthy don’t worry haha. But whilst I’ve learnt weight doesn’t mean anything I’ve also learnt image is actually everything in this world an still my goal is 48kg or 7.6 stone. And it’s really hard… really hard to not compare yourself and yes, I’m one of those girls who when things go wrong I think “If I was under 8 stone and super toned then I’d be liked and wanted.” I know this isn’t true… but those are real feelings.

So why do girls think being skinny and pretty is the answer? Well, when it comes to relationships think about it…. absolutely everywhere you go and anything you see has some sort of sex appeal. Buy this car and you’re wanted. Buy this lipstick and people will want to kiss you. Have your hair like that and you will find your face on the L’Oreal advert. Have the latest clothes and technology and you will be desirable according to the modern man. Actually I’m not so sure about the technology but common… you see a hot lady in an awesome car the guys will be drooling all the way down the road and crash into the traffic lights. When we are so bombarded without any relief it’s so hard for ladies… well me anyways… to not think other wise. The other thing is… men are visual. End of discussion. If they see a hot lady they’re going to look. They’re going to want her. I’m not saying I’m right I’m just sharing my trail of thoughts. Therefore… how come no guy is pursuing me? What does that mean? Ah, I’m not good enough. Ok… I’m exaggerating my thoughts a little now but that’s basically the foundational lie that’s in my mind.

Ever since Mike died I feel like I’m more vulnerable in the area of self image. As I’ve shared before, Mike’s death has made me emotionally vulnerable and so it’s easy to feel more attacked in other areas. I’ve noticed that when I get sad about Mike, I get sad about other things… usually past relationships, and then I get sad about food. In fact the past few days I’ve wanted to cry every time I eat. I know… I sound messed up. But I’m really not. I know this too will pass and I just gotta keep being honest and pray alot… but don’t worry… I wont ever give up food… I love it way too much. I just get sad sometimes when I do eat…

People always go on about guys, sex and porn… I think for ladies this is our battle. Mine anyways… I have big issues with self worth but not always directly linked to food. It’s a bit weird writing about this subject as I’ve never talked about it so boldly on my blog yet. Just lately the whole being sad when I eat thing was starting to really get to me more than ever… just thought it’d be good to speak out asap about it…

But I do really wish I could get a hug right now… Will have to wait until Laura’s awake!


Thoughts about that L Word…

Hey!

These thoughts have been inspired by others and events in my life. Some are my own quotes; some are from others who have said something that I could relate to; and finally some I just found inspiring… All of them I have said to others or wish I could say…

Every time I went somewhere or did something, I thought, “You should be here with me.” Then I’d think of all the things we had promised to do, all the places we said we would go. Then I’d get angry, and then I’d feel sad, and then I’d forget about it because what else is there to do?

Sometimes I wonder if love is worth fighting for, but then I remember your face and I’m ready for war.

But there’s just something about him that made me like him ever since the day I met him. There was something about him that made me go absolutely crazy.

I wonder if he stays up until 2am thinking about me. I wonder if when he hears a certain song he thinks about me. I wonder if he thinks about things to say to me every morning. I wonder if when he sees me he thinks “Wow, she’s beautiful.” I wonder if he thinks about me before he goes to sleep. I wonder if song lyrics remind him of me. I wonder if he looks at me when I’m not looking at him. Probably not.

I just wanna be with you, that’s all.

We spend too much time wondering why we’re not good enough.

Of course she’s going to say she’s happy for you and flash that oh-so-famous smile, but look into those eyes… baby, you broke her.

I gave up on you. Not because I don’t care but because you don’t.

Smile though your heart is aching.

I don’t think you’re leaving. I think you’re running. And, what I can’t figure out is, are you running towards something you want? Or are you running away from something you’re afraid to want?

You can always say sorry. But the real apology is when you hear the sadness in their voice and see the look in their eyes. And you realise that they have hurt themselves just as much.

It’s amazing how at one point in our lives we will be extremely close with someone and then later they will become a complete stranger. You will pass by them without a word. Without a single acknowledging look. This person, who once knew you so well, who once knew your fears, your desires, your dreams, you past, is now walking right past you, seeing right through you.

Missing someone isn’t about how long it has been since you’ve seen them or the amount of time since you’ve talked. It’s about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were right there by your side.

Love like it’s never going to hurt.

I want you today, and tomorrow, and next week, and for the rest of my life.

It’s not goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

My favourite sound? That’s easy. It’s your voice.

Based on a psychology study, a crush only lasts for a maximum of 4 months. If it exceeds, you are already in love.

Trust God.

Everyone says the pain will get less as time passes, but I don’t believe them. I think they only say it so you can face getting out of bed every day. You think “Today might be the day”… but it never is.

It’s often just enough to be with someone. You don’t need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You’re not alone. – Marilyn Monroe.

The No. 6 Rule of a Gentleman: Saying what’s on your mind is actually not the end of the world.

The scariest part in being loved by someone is the uncertainty that they may stop anytime.

It’s scary to think that one day, all this eventually will end.

I know I got issues but you’re pretty messed up too.

Note to self: don’t get close to people. Just don’t.

The girl who seemed unbreakable, broke. The girl who always laughed, cried. The girl that never stopped trying, finally gave up. She dropped her fake smile as a tear rolled down her cheek, and she whispered to herself, “I can’t do this anymore.”

The No.113 Rule of a Gentleman: When going out don’t ask her what she wants to do, take charge and decide.

The No.122 Rule of a Gentleman: When she’s tired, carry her.

The No.28 Rule of a Lady: If he leaves or gives up on you, remember it’s his loss, not yours.


One of those blogs…

Hey,

*Sighs*… I guess this is going to be one of those painfully honest blogs. Hope you’re ready for it… especially the water works haha. For some reason I decided to read mum’s “Breadcrumbs in the Storm”. This is a document that she put together soon after Mike’s death with our story as a family and in particular her story regarding the events around Mike’s death. It’s absolutely worth a read and you can read it if you click…. http://michaelknighttrust.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/bread-crumbs-in-the-storm.pdf

Well… by page 8 I was in tears. I guess there’s a lot that still goes through my mind when I think about Mike’s death. I think of all we went through, the stories upon stories that have come as a result, the pain, the happiness, the shattered dreams… I know I’ve mentioned it before in my blogs but I really struggle to talk about Mike. Not because I don’t want to but because I’m not sure who wants to hear. Fitzy was such a support for so long and as a result so much emotional energy went into our relationship. Out of everyone he understood the most and well… now… he’s not around anymore. I think in some respects losing Mike and then all that’s happened between me and Fitz so soon after really… well, somehow two people that meant so much to me are no longer in my life the way they were. And it’s really hard.

I can’t describe what I feel inside. It’s like your throat closes up, your chest tightens and your face muscles hurt. Don’t even get me started on the tears, snot and actual emotions. I know I’m still grieving… and it all takes time… but it’s really hard and really painful to think my life and my story continues but Mike’s doesn’t. I can’t remember if I shared this on my blog but I could never tell Fitzy I loved him and call him by his real name… because “I love you Mike” is something that I think I would actually gladly take my own life just to be able to tell Mike I love him sooner. I still cry. Not as much as I use to… but maybe once a month I still find myself alone absolutely balling my eyes out over it all… tonight I’m wondering how much longer will my computer stand the tears before it crashes from drowning. And I still cry when I talk about some of the things to do with Mike. Laura’s dream, the story of me “forgiving” God… I think there’s just so many emotions that I’ve stopped trying to explain it. I don’ necessarily cry with sadness when I share certain stories… it’s just a huge mixture of many things… thankfulness, hope, relief, pain, confusion…

One if the things that really hurts me is knowing Mike may never have known the guy I marry. With Fitzy I had his approval… I don’t know why it matters to me so much but it does. Maybe it goes back to the whole concept of my life continuing and his life here on Earth doesn’t. He’ll forever be 18… whilst he’ll always be my baby brother soon Laura will be “older” than him. She’s 17 at the moment…and she hates this idea, to her he will always be her older brother. But there’s some harsh realities to all of this.

We had a neighbour stop by today and she asked how do we cope… Sometimes I just don’t know how we cope. Has to be God and our friends. I would never have coped other wise. I know that much. And we are coping… we’re more than coping, we’re riding on God’s wings of love, hope and mercy… but I know I’m hurting. I feel really vulnerable inside. I’ve really struggled so much because in my vulnerability of being emotional I’ve been very sensitive and as a result feel so attacked in some areas of my life. Especially when it comes to value.

I’ve really struggled with my value. It makes no sense in so many ways. How does this even relate to Mike… I don’t really know. I’ve questioned my existence, my worth according to others… the stuff that happened between me and Fitz. I don’t even understand what it is that I want. Because I KNOW I’m loved and have so many friends… I know that as truth but emotionally I just feel very lonely. And have done for a year. Maybe this is why I like to stay busy… to hide away from my loneliness. You know, I got the nicest text message from a friend recently who said, “I hope you value yourself as highly as you should” and I just thought “Thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time to write that.”

One of the biggest thing I’ve come to realise through Mike’s death is how none of us truely know what the other is going through. And how powerful a simple action or kind word can be. That text message had such a profound impact on me, along with the words, love and kindness so many other friends… like take this weekend and the sale. What an encouragement to have so many people support you and believe in you. None of it gets take lightly… and believe me… I’ll never forget these things.

I guess just underneath it all there’s still a broken girl that hurts alot. I miss Mike so much… and it really really upsets me to look back over the past three years and see that so much has changed. The people once so significant are just gone… just like that. I don’t get it. I’m a really deep person. I think a lot about things and analysis stuff… and for me… if you ment something to me then you still do now. That’s just the way I work. So maybe it’s my fault… my fault because if I wasn’t like that then to be “ditched” would be a lot less painful. If Mike was given a choice about going to heaven or not… then I wouldn’t have blamed him for choosing to go because, let’s be honest, 99% of us probably would… but… if he did… then it does bring up pain thinking “I wasn’t good enough for him to stay”… and then a whole load of regret comes thinking of all the things I could have done to make him stay. But I also know that’s not true. There’re nothing I could have done… God knew the number of Mike’s days. He called Mike’s name and Mike went. I’m so proud of him… so proud of the way he lived his life for the short time he was here and he really inspired me in a few areas of life. But I don’t write this with a smile. I write this so tearful and hurting.

I miss cuddles. I know that sounds random but it’s all related. With Fitzy I was safe. I could be vulnerable and he would just hug as and when he could. Now I feel like I have to just swallow it and be strong. Yet sometimes all I wanna do if cry my eyes out and then fall asleep safe in his arms. So much has changed… and I wish I was over us completely. That’d help. I wouldn’t feel like a nob for still liking him and also I wouldn’t feel like a tool for liking him when he has other interests. Sometimes I wonder if I could do the rebound thing and I think no… I really couldn’t. Cos I wouldn’t be being real. I can hide stuff from others but there’s no way I can hide from me. I could… but after years of doing that I’m not going back there.

I think there’s just still alot going on in my mind that finds a way to come up and out… but for now I’m gonna leave it as I gotta sleep. But I shall go to bed hoping and trusting in God… and praying alot. And knowing that I’ve got some of the greatest friends in the world. Thank you for your love, for all the times we hang out, and for letting me be me…


The Core of Me…

Hey!

I love collages, I could make them all day long… Pictures paint a thousand word. So here we go… oh, and these are NOT in order 😛

I love alcohol. Haha… I do. If you knew me a few years ago drinking was about going out and having fun in the bars and clubs. Now, I love celebrating moments with Champagne, talking around a fire sipping wine, going for cocktails with the girls, educating others on the world’s national drinks… for me, it’s all relational and about creating memories. Good ones. Some people think I live a high life when it comes to Champagne. It’s not… plus, here’s a secret, I never buy real Champagne, as IF I can afford that haha. For me it’s about creating, seizing and cherishing moments… and doing it well! Celebrations and happiness. I go out on the town maybe two/three times a year now as oppose to 4-5 times a week. So instead of blasting a load of money every week… a £10 bottle of sparkling wine is not going to be too much of a dent in the pocket! My two favourite drinks, Caipirinha’s and cocktail made up of Champagne, white wine and strawberries. It’s DELISH 😛

Art… man, I’m REALLY not creative. Not like in the art sense. But I’m definitely one of these people that just can’t appreciate art that looks like I could have done it myself. I like pictures that are clever… this these two. Nope, I reckon my creativity is in room decoration, organisation and creating events. I LOVE planning parties, birthdays and all sorts. I’ve done quite a few of them now and often day dream of being an event planner. So if you ever want a hand planning something or are in need of ideas let me know!! 😛 But yeah… ready don’t have the mind set or the hand skills or the patience to draw/paint/or do anything else. I’m far too critical of my own work. As a general statement. Especially cooking… I love cooking but I always think of what I could have done better.

I would LOVE to make my own bath bombs one day. I think that’d be so much fun!! To get creative with scents and colours and then sit in the tub and think “Eaaaaaaak!! I did this and I smell so goooood!!” 😛 There’s been a few times where I’ve checked out how much it costs to get all the stuff you’d need to do it. A bit too expensive at the moment but I really hope one day to b able to do it. OOOOO there we go!! Birthday present! Totally feel free to buy a bath bomb set for me to create!! 😛 I’ll even make some for you!! 😛 Lips. Now, I actually think of the most important body parts on a person is their lips. When I talk to people I spend about 75% of my time lip reading… and there for looking at their lips. I think I scare people when they don’t me as they’re prob thinking “Errrrr why’s she looking at my lips?!” Haha. But I think lips, teeth and mouth are very important and I think an attractive mouth is appealing. I’ve been super lucky with naturally straight teeth. Always wanted braces cos I thought they looked cool, but my dentist told me he could never make someone’s teeth as straight as mine. That made me like my dentist… until he said “Shame about the face“… then I stopped liking him! Now, if I was to change anything about me… the first thing I’d change is… and this is super embarrassing… but I’d change my breath. I floss, brush and gargle but still if I don’t eat regularly or sleep for even 30mins my breath gets stinky. I’d gum it and chew all day long but that gives me migraines. It’s super embarrassing and really try to avoid close proximity to people some times as a result haha… I guess I just need to carry fruit with me at all times 😛

Candles!!! Oh my goodness I *heart” candles! Especially amazingly good smelling ones! LOVE those that smell fruity and summery. One day when I get a house I’d love to decorate it with some candles and flowers like this… I think it’d look great!! 😀 I love being in a room full of candles, or even just with one or a few of them. Sometimes it’s super romantic, other times it gives me hope, it can bring me inspiration, and when there’s a power cut and we can only live with candles… it brings unity. Suddenly the world stops, time slows right down and the family gathers in one room. I remember when the floods hit Carlisle a few years ago… we were all without power for 3 days. Being England and being in the middle of January we survived on the light and heat candles provided. It was amazing. I never knew how much heat candles could provide! The only thing I hate about power cuts is going to the toilet in the dark… it’s spooky!!

I love fairy tales. Maybe that’s because deep down I’m a romantic. News flash!! I know right 😛 I loved reading about magical lands when I was younger and when I was even smaller I loved mum reading them to me or story telling as we did something together. I don’t believe in fairy tales, but I do believe in miracles, and I do believe in love. Whilst I think fairy tales are day dreams they do also think they’re inspiring. I love magic. The lands above trees, the talking animals, the wars between good and evil, the rescue of a princess, the anticipation of love, the anxiety of will they or will they not defeat the enemy… I’m actually a right girly girl when it comes to this. Right now I’m day dreaming of being in a room with white walls, a bed of fresh sheets, candles, hot water bottles, teddies, glitter, magic, flowers, and piles of worn books with illustrations. Stuff these ebooks… I’ll always go for the tangible, colourful pages… books are my life. I have hundreds of them and would LOVE a library one day in my home… Sometimes I wonder if I’m in a fairy tale and just don’t realise it 😛 That’d be fairly epic 😛


Liar Liar….

Hey!

As I was writing my blog I mentioned I disbelieve people when they tell me things and decided to explore this further.

Firstly what stuff do I disbelieve… Well, lots of things. It’s a horrible trait in me and I always pray when I think someone’s lying because I know how painful it is to be disbelieved about something when you’re really telling the truth. I guess I’ve just been around some big massive liars in life and it’s really made me not trust people. Some people have really taken me for a ride and others must think I’m a total, excuse the language, nob with some of the stuff they say to me. It’s horrible because when you believe someone so much and they lie to you its so shocking. Well I find it is anyways. I don’t understand why people need to say stuff that’s not true for attention, exaggerate, or not just say things how it is!! I’d much rather people being just straight up with me because it’s really a lot less bad than telling me something that’s not true and me being like “Um yeah, sure!”

How did I get like this? Well… I’ve told some pretty stupid things before and seen the consequences of it. I saw how hurt I made people and I’ve seen the effect of lies on my family from others. Also, as I mentioned before I’ve been around some right big liars… I guess you get to know the signs of lying from first and second hand experience.

The biggest thing I find is people hint at stuff but then deny that was the case or what they really meant because they want to tell you but don’t want to tell you at the same time.

I think as well you pick up on voice tones, body language, timing, actions… People tell me all the time I’m pretty switched on and pick up on stuff easily. I think they’re right but don’t necessarily understand why that is. Maybe because if you’re a people person and spend a lot of time with individuals as well as people in general you pick up on a lot, can tell when someone’s not being real with you and also… you can absolutely say with full conviction that we are generally very transparent.

I’m not saying I don’t lie… I do!! And I despise myself for it. I condemn myself as much as I do to anyone else. I’m just saying I generally disbelieve people before I believe them. Really wish I didn’t. Really really do. I just wish we were all a lot more real with each other. Just say how things are, say it how it is. Maybe I can’t speak for everyone else but man alive I’d so rather that and you will not hurt me. In fact I’d admire you all the more for just being straight with me. “I’m not coming”, “I don’t like it when you do this…”, “I don’t like that outfit on you”… For sure there’s a line between being a jerk and being gentle… and that’s what we all gotta learn. Get comfortable with hearing the gentle truth, cos whilst it hurts it feels a lot better than being lied too! Plus when we don’t lie we look less ridiculous! 😛


Restless

Hey!

Argh, I hate those days you just feel restless.

Hung out with friends, watched tv, cleaned, ate a lot of food, lost my appetite, watched a thunder/lighting storm, created an event, cancelled hanging out with other friends…

I feel a bit lost haha! I hate not doing things. I think more and more I live for events. I much prefer being busy than not doing things. I’m so tired from the past few months of activities and events but at the same time I’m like “Bored!!!! Wanna do something!!”

Listened to music, played with the cats, argued with dad, blogged, facebooked, talked to friends, checked the news, updated my finances, move the books I’ll be keeping from the conservatory to my room, started putting my room back together, checked the meaning behind the lyrics from “Motivation“….

Yup, I’m still bored. Dad asked me if I wanted to drive and I’m like “Um, no my concentration is absolutely not there“. I wanna finish off the champagne, white wine and strawberries but I wanna savour the moment… not fall asleep in my glass and die from a lack of oxygen after getting a strawberry stuck up my nose.

Texted friends, replied to birthday invites, put on make up, took off make up, poked the bruises on my legs from yesterday (I walked into the coffee table and now i have two green/blue/black/purple marks on my leg), checked facebook like a million times, changed the music playing in windows media player about 5 times, wondered why I have my songs on repeat, wondered about life, thought about how people that were once so significant to me are no more, got sad at the thought, soon after thought I don’t care so much any more… I wish things were different but if people are gonna be like that then whatever… their loss, processed Australia a little more, had a big chat to myself about why I immediately think people are lying when they say stuff to me…

But I’m still bored…

Walked around the house aimlessly, thought about my clothes style, cooked food, melted food, started to feel sick, made a cup of tea, forgot about the cup of tea, made another cup of tea, day dreamed about putting cameras all over the house and being in a reality tv show, wondered if I could charge people to watch it and how much I could make, questioned whether “The Knights” as a title was catchy enough, tried to find illegal streaming of tv shows so I could catch up on Big Bang Theory, CSI and Gossip Girl, prayed about my trip to the doctor tomorrow that they would take my rib SERIOUSLY…

Still bored… It’s 8.30pm and I’m too awake to sleep… and compared to being so on the go yesterday I feel like today as been dull and boring…

Hmmm… I wonder what I could do now…


Beach!!


The Big Ol’ Sale!

Hey!

Oh my life… so, for those of you who haven’t been following me and my latest adventures, I have been organising a sale. It’s taken me several weeks as I went through the things in my room as well as the loft. The loft took me two weeks as I shifted through many many boxes; throwing out what I didn’t want, creating piles of items that I could sell, and reboxing want I wanted to keep ready for shipping should that day come in the near future.

The conservatory became FULL of hundreds of items that could be sold and so I went through them all wrapping, cleaning and creating gifts to sell. I priced all the items to a price I would love to get when selling but had the intention of just giving people the freedom to pay less if they wish too. I make a terrible sales person according to Miles. I just tell people “whatever you like to donate is perfect with me!” Oh and I tell people all that’s wrong with the items I’m trying to sell… I’m just an HONEST sales person haha 😛

For the past week of so I was looking back over what I’d created and was feeling pretty discouraged as you may have read in my previous blogs. People voicing their doubts and negative opinions were having an affect on me… but it did bring me to the point of saying, “God, this is all in your hands, there’s nothing more I can do.”

Well, in less that 24 hours I was given two financial gifts, and the thing I least expected to sell at my sale was sold. Also, for the past week or so Laura, mum and dad bought a couple things from me… and so I took the whole thing as an encouraging sign. A lady from the office was making cakes and biscuits for the sale; a friend donated a whole bunch of things she didn’t want anymore, another friend helped out on Friday with setting up and a fourth friend helped me bake some biscuits.

The actual day of the sale I woke up after 3 hours of sleep, I think I was too excited about eating the cakes (!), and started the final bits and pieces. As I was doing so I looked out the window and saw a beautiful early morning… and said to God, “God, I’ve said it before, but this is in your hands, please help people remember my sale today and please help me sell a few things.”

WELL!… the morning started with dad’s men’s breakfast. As soon as it finished at 9am 17 men shot off in all directions and started buying all sorts. When I saw this I thought, “Oh my word I might end up selling out and start having to price mum and dad’s furniture!!!!” Haha… From 9am until 12pm there was a steady stream of about 40 people in total. A lady that works with mum/dad came over and was doing face paints for any young people who came to the sale, and I couldn’t help but give discounts to all the kids that bought items with their pocket money. I found it all very humbling yesterday… people’s generosity. Some donated a day’s worth of wages, the kids spent their well saved pennies… I just thought man… to have people believe in you. To have people want to help and support you if just… very very humbling, very powerful and such an amazing testimony to me. From 12pm until 9pm we continued to have a steady stream of people and it was amazing to see who came to visit. Some of the least expected people came along, including a guy that I hadn’t seen in years… and his new wife that I’d never met before. Many of my friends walked in the rain to visit and even the Packwoods stopped by on their way from Kendall to Edinburgh. I kept a list of people who came and need to go have a look at it but the last person left just after 9pm… and for the full 12 hours we had over 60 people stop by.

I felt pretty bad in some ways as it was so busy that I couldn’t really spend full on quality time with people and I really wanted to show my appreciation. But between the coffees, cakes and tours all day long… it was a bit difficult. Never mind, I have a plan in order to address this! By 6.45pm I said to Nicole “I need a nap“. I was really struggling to keep my eyes open. She came to wake me up after an hour and this is how the conversation went…

“Akila….Akila… it’s time to wake up”
“Nooooooo!!! I wanna sleep!!!!”
“Do you, would you like to sleep?”
“Noooooo!!!! I need to get up!!!”
“Ok well, Ruth is here now…”
“Okaaaaayyyyy…”

Hhahahaha… oh man it was awful. I felt so sick and shaky. But the nap did help after I woke up a bit and the shakiness went haha. There’s no way I would have managed to stay awake. The family were really great. Mum and dad planned to get out the house whilst the sale was on but dad actually really enjoyed sitting and talking to everyone. Laura spent most of the afternoon sitting on the kitchen floor doing her school work. She wanted to be with everyone but needed to work also. Mum made a lot of coffee and tea for everyone… It was a great day.

Financially I did a lot better than I originally thought I would and LOADS better than dad thought I’d achieve. But there’s absolutely no way I would have done it without everyone else. It was you lot that did it. And I’m so grateful. So so so grateful. Right now I have about just under 20% of what I need for a year’s worth of costs out in Australia which is AMAZING. Especially when you know the amount I’m trying to achieve!

I still have a lot of items left… that’s because I had so much to start off with haha. So over the coming weeks I’ll be looking at ways to continue to sell the various items and look into other ways of raising support… so far we have me going to a fish spa, me shaving my hair off, and me doing a run… eak!! Hhahaha… I’m looking into less painful ways first hahaha. But yea, I gotta run, I’ve got plans for the day… but I just wanted to share the news with you all. And to say a massive massive massive thank you to everyone as you’ve done so much for me. You’re all so amazing and I’m so honoured to know you and call you my friends. Very humbled 🙂


This is Stressful

Hey!

Oh my life this is so stressful. I really need my driving license before I go to Australia and I’m absolutely working my butt off to try and make it happen. I’m really lucky to have mum/dad to take me out in the car and teach me stuff but it’s very different to learn from an actual instructor. They know how to teach in a way that is clear and that will ensure you pass a test effectively and efficiently. No disrespect to my parents. But in order to get an instructor there’s a little thing called MONEY.

I don’t have any. And I’m really trying hard to make as much money as I can in my current situation. I’m saving absolutely everything coming my way and even selling so much of my stuff to try and make additional finances. So where’s all this money going? Well, I just bought my tickets to Australia and insurance for a year whilst I’m out there. The rest is to one side for when I get to Australia. Which isn’t a lot. Put it like this… I could have maybe 5 driving lessons and then I really would have literally no money. I could cancel my bank account. So why don’t I get a job? Because I’m doing my computer course and only allowed to work a certain amount of hours. However, if I don’t work then I get paid to do my computer course which is still more money than what I would get if I did work. I’m finishing that in a few weeks and then I need a job. Desperately. I need my licence and I need money for Australia.

I think I’m getting a little nervous. Like, in the sence that I’ve been finding myself wondering, “God, if I’m trying to do something for you, then why’s it gotta be so complex?” Some people have pointed out to me that “If God really wants you to go to Australia then He’ll provide you with the money.” I agree, but the angle they were taking with it reflects the prosperity gospel which I disagree with. God doesn’t want me to be wealthy financially and have a breeze! He wants me to work for some of the things in life. That’s how you develop character. Plus God helps those that help themselves… not everything just falls from the sky. But it does get a bit discouraging some times.

In fact my hair is falling out quite a bit. Which doesn’t help matters. I don’t have a lot of hair on my head to start off with and so for it to be falling out in alarming quantities is distressing. I did think about going to the doctor but I went to my hairdresser today instead. She noticed an abnormal amount was falling out as she checked out my hair. But assured me there were no bald spots. Thank goodness! The last thing I need is alopecia!

Having said that… it’s the smaller whispers in life that do keep reminding me God is faithful. Those seem to be few and far at the moment but when they do come along it really helps. I really dont like blogging at the minute. I sound so negative all the time. I’m just in a stressful period at the moment. Please pray for me!!


A Lump Moment…

Hey!

So my life is scheduled around the clock at the moment. And on Sunday I full intend to have a lump moment and not get outta bed. I feel overly sensitive at the moment. Ironically right before some biggish events. On one shoulder I hear doubt, fear, discouragement, foolishness, loneliness, uncertainty, humiliation… on the other shoulder I hear, “Liar Liar, pants on fire, Get away from me Satan!”

EVERYTHING is in God’s control. So should I really be worried? No. I point blank shouldn’t be worried. I have God, therefore if I follow Him then I can’t fail. But I suppose that’s what holds me back. “Not fail?” “NOT fail...” That’s impossible. How could anyone possibly not fail. But with God, He fights the battles for you.

Yup. I’m feeling kinda pants. A bit like I’m doing every thing wrong at the moment. You know that feeling? When you just don’t feel like you’re getting it right? Or doing it well? I think the biggest frustration is when you try everything, work really hard at something, put a lot of energy into it… but you realize it didn’t work out quite how you thought. Having said that… just by even writing that I’m letting Satan win. The truth is… the future is still to come. God is still at work. And what has to come has not passed yet. God knows what I need. Knows what I want. I just gotta trust Him with the rest.

I think I gotta keep reminding myself of Elijah in the bible. Like, God fully looked after him. The pot never ran dry. So why do I think mine will? Has it ever happened before? No. So what am I basing my worry on. Just Satan. When you start to really unravel your thoughts it’s amazing how twisted Satan’s lies can be. You take one thing and suddenly you’re the worlds lowest, dumbest, most unwanted person… somehow in one moment, from one thing, your esteem goes from one side of the spectrum to the other and you’re left wondering, “How on Earth did I get here?” Suddenly it’s like your whole being, day, life is/was bad. It’s freaky.

I’m really not bipolar, schizophrenic or anything haha. I’m just getting to the bottom of my lump moment and pulling the truth out. I would crawl into bed and have a lump moment now but I’m on a schedule 😛 Having said that, if you’d like to pray for me and my week. That’d be pretty cool and it’d mean a lot 🙂


On the Death of Osama Bin Laden…

I don’t often do this, but here’s a public opinion on the day’s big news story

On a seemingly normal Sunday evening in Washington, D.C., President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden, the symbolic face of terrorism, had been killed by United States forces in a secret military operation in Abbottabad, Pakistan.

As the news of bin Laden’s death spreads across the globe, responses are mixed. Outside the White House crowds have gathered celebrating the event as retribution for the 9/11 attacks that shook foundations and hearts ten years ago. Elsewhere and in secret, others will be mourning the death of a leader, claiming him as a martyr for a worthy cause.

In his speech to the nation, President Obama encouraged the families of those that lost loved ones with the words, “Justice has been done.” He made it clear that although the ideals of terrorism are not dead, a man who fanned their flame into a lake of fire now lies cold and still like those lives he stole. With the death of bin Laden, the scales of justice have become a little more equalised.

This may be true, and we must mourn with the mourning, but claiming the death of a man, no matter how evil, as inherently right and good places humanity on a seat of judgment far too big for us, with legs dangling from the floor. To say that it was good to kill a man is to say it would have been good for you to kill him, but no one should let that darkness, a darkness every man owns, rise to become a bloodied hand. Murder is still murder, no matter how the fall of the victim is cheered or grieved.

To some, Osama’s death grants the West a victor’s crown. To others, it is a loss, a weight that falls and pulleys honour and pride and martyrdom into the mind. We can’t help but view it through the eyes of our childhood games: there are winners and there are losers. And everyone must take a side.

But when someone dies, no one wins. Death is loss, both for a person and a people and, most importantly, for Restoration. “I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked,” God tells Ezekiel, “but rather that they turn from their ways and live.” According to a Restored world, it would have been be better for Osama to say sorry. Unfortunately, this would have removed many from their illegitimately claimed seat of judgement.

Die, Osama, burn like our hearts burn for your death,” has been the cry of many these past years. Yet, this cry is from the land of death itself. It offers nothing new. It’s a cycle perpetuated.

There is another call. One babbling like water out of the land of the living. It is quieter and harder. It is easily drunk dry by the harsh sun of retaliation, but it’s spring is deeper than revenge. It’s a better way. And it’s there if you care to find it.

By Elliot Taylor

…… Just an interesting article that was posted on facebook.


Has This Happend Before?

Hey!

Oh man I feel like my life is quite simply so crazy!! After this coming weekend the pace will slow down a bit! … Maybe 😛 So here’s the latest. I’m half way through my computer course, still going down to Preston twice a week. I’ve my theory test coming up… lots of studying for that, I’ve been doing heaps good in my practice tests… I know I’m such a geek… I can’t afford to stuff up though! But please pray for me that I pass haha! My sale/tea party is on Saturday so I’m sending out invites/reminders and trying to “rally up the recruits” as Andi says. People have been SO supportive which has been so encouraging…PLEASE COME ON SATURDAY TO MINE!!! IT’S GOING TO BE GREAT!!! Australia planning is going good… after this week my focus will change a little. I’ll be working and continually practicing my driving for my test. Thankfully I’m progressing on my driving haha! Having said that yesterday I spent 2 hours driving and 5 hours studying for the theory/hazard perception test… stood up, misjudged my bedroom door and hit my head on the door frame… I’m thinking maybe people on the road should be wary 😛

I realise my blogs have been somewhat superficial these days. There’s so much I could write about but there’s quite a lot of constraints on what I can write about… Maybe I’ll write an explosive autobiography one day haha. Under a different name… as IF that’d work haha. Sometimes I think it’s be easier if I was a bitch and didn’t care. But I’m really really really not… Haha I find this pretty frustrating that I’m not sometimes haha. No seriously, I think where I am in life is, I went from being so hard and having so many barriers to prevent people getting close… then I went the other way and fully let everyone and anyone in on my life… NOW I’m trying to find the middle ground cos NEITHER of those two extremes seem to be ideal. I’m just still learning so much.

Life is just surprising, and a bit tiring… and things you least expect happen all the time. Nothings permanent. You’d think I would have learnt that from Mike but… nope… I’m still discovering that. The other thing I’ve been reminded of yet again is… NO ONE is who you think they are. People will continue to shock you. Full stop. Forever we will say “I really don’t understand this person.” It makes me wish I wasn’t human. So that it didn’t hurt and so I didn’t hurt/offend others too. But… I’ve got God. So there IS hope in all my learning. Hope in knowing that one day, I’ll get right… and one day… others will get it right too. The massive thing I’m learning most at the minute is how important prayer is to me. I can see instant differences when I pray about something as oppose to not praying. OH and another thing that came to my attention is this question “Do you go to church for your relationship with God, or the social interaction with your mates?” Very interesting question to answer and to watch people’s actions in answering that question.

So there’s a lot going on… some big decisions being made relationship wise with others too. And from a totally different angle my rib is STILL causing a lot of pain and is getting worse. My spine, rib cage and kidney have been hurting a lot lately and I’m wondering if it’s all related to the pain from my rib. My rib cage is sticking out my and more… I actually wondered if I lost loads of weight then my rib cage would look pretty abnormal with a right side that sticks out like a V as oppose to a flatter left side of the rib cage. All pretty odd. Need to go back to the doctor as I’m struggling to lie on it or sit for long periods of time. They already did an x-ray which seemed to show my ribs were in place but… I’m just not convinced. NO one is in pain for no reason. And I feel painfully squished hahahahah.

But on a good note… I went for a 4 mile power walk today and ran a good mile or so. Was pretty chuffed! Laura’s stamina is amazing compared to this chimney!!! LOL! Whilst I’m dying she’s talking away and trying to sprint! That girl runs a mile in just over 5 minutes… She’s amazing. Maybe it’s my love for cheese and chocolate and crisps… and FOOD that prevents me hahahahahha.

Anyways.. I gotta get to bed. Desperately. But hopefully this was a good enough update for now! 😀