OH MY DAYS I’VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG AGAIN!!!!!
♫ Love in a man’s heart, I wanna have the whole and not a part, Strange that this feelin grows more and more, Cause I’ve never loved someone like you before… ♫
Laura and I have decided tonight that we really MUST go raving one day soooooooooon!!!
I dunno what I dislike more… the little black “X” that cancels/deletes/changes… or the feeling of poo.
I’ve been feeling for a while that I needed to do something but really put off doing it. Questions, doubts, uncertainty kept me from doing it… but I think I came to the conclusion that right now the thing I need to do something about is not a positive thing; and so something needed to be done about it.
After a long while of deliberation I figured “Well… sometimes that something is to remove yourself/others/it from the whatever it is that’s not positive“. Just easier said than done right? But I can’t hold on. I deserve so much more than what I’m feeling. But that concept in itself is interesting. We’re a generation that think we “deserve” this that and the other… but do we really? What makes us so self righteous to “derseve” what we think we deserve.
Kate Middleton didn’t come into this world thinking she “deserved” to marry Prince William. In fact I’m sure the fairy tale was so far past her concept of possibility that she wouldn’t have even thought about it. But the truth is… anything is possible… Still, whilst I know “anything” is possible, and whilst I believe my choice of the “x” button was right for this situation… it still makes it kinda sad to find yourself in a position to use it.
So today has been a strange day.
I had plans… to study… which fell through. Surprise surprise… which is a total stress as I have an important exam soon… and failing is NOT an option. But I did go driving for 2 hours, and I did get a massive gift of items to sell… but I want most of the books myself. This is not going quite to plan haha. I’m trying to talk mum and dad into buying them for me as a birthday present. My birthday isn’t for another 4 months but you know… 😛 40 books for less than £40… how COULD they pass THAT opportunity up! Haha!! Then my light bulb broke and I’ve been feeling a little “off” this evening. So the thought of sitting in the dark alone was a bit creepy but then I rememberd I have candles. Unknown to Miles he gave me the idea, so thanks! Now I’m sitting in my room… in the dark… apart from the laptop screen lights and the glow of three candles. One of which has a Christmas scent… It’s a bit strange I have to admit 😛
But this creepy feeling started with finding out that someone the family know prays to Mike. Now, this whole concept is unfamiliar to me as it’s not biblical from a Christian perspective. And it’s been playing on my mind since. I think I eventually worked out that it freaked me out a bit for the following reason. Since it’s not something the Christian bible says is right, that makes praying to the dead wrong. What I believe, personally, based on what I know from the Christian bible is that you can’t talk to the dead. So when people try to communicate with the dead they’re tapping into the spiritial realms… and not in a good way. Subsequently the Devil, Satan is given an opportunity to play games, lie and really mess with someone’s head by communicating back, pretending to be someone’s loved one and all sorts of trickery and decit. From this angle, Mike’s dead, if someone prays to him then there’s nothing he can do. But if what I believe is correct then it gives Satan the opportunity to mess around with stuff to do with Mike. And I don’t like it. Mike isn’t harmed. But I feel harmed. I feel like Satan will get the opportunity to use “Mike” as part of some evil trick. Whether that’s a lie involving him or whatever. Dad and I were talking today. He said he could go in my room today and throw most of my stuff out without a problem. But if I died…. then he’d kill people if they touched my stuff. The point is… Mike is very special to me. In many ways Mike is very secrate to me. And so what I’ve sort of worked out is that whilst someone has good intensions and thinks praying to Mike is good… their belief is actually really distressing for me. I feel like it’s almost an abuse because of what I believe the consequences of it might be. So bizarre isn’t it. How what we each of us as indiviuals believe and practice can be so conflicting. But then when I thought about it all even more… I came to another conclusion… I don’t feel very educate about this whole concept of praying to the dead and so I want to understand it better.
I don’t really have a conclusion to this blog. I think I need to go away and understand it better…
I haven’t been feeling too good for a little while either… whilst I’m so excited about Australia, and all that’s going on at the minute. I’m feeling very under pressure. This sale, I’m desperate for people to come and there’s that nagging feeling of “are people even going to come?“… I know I need to trust God with this. Then there’s my driving… I still need a lot of practice and all I can keep hearing is “you’re going to fail, you’re going to fail, you’re going to fail“… I’ve also got the theory test coming up really soon and feel under preped for that… *sighs*. I know God is good and it’ll all work out eventually but my brain just feels a little mushed. I think that’s partly why I feel so grateful for having a spontaneous night at Miles’ on Sunday night… It’s funny, when you’re so go go go you don’t realise how much you need a break from it all until you do take a break and then you realise “Oh man the busy pace of life is getting a bit intense“.
I think I need more “times out” when it all gets crazy. The thing I tell myself is “You’re busy you dont have time to play“; and I think that’s dangerous. BECAUSE it’s busy you NEED space and time to play. After my theory test and this sale next week I’d love to go off to the lakes for the day… sun, chill and something adventerous!!
This, is, hard. Life. Life is hard. Well, it’s not. But it is. I’m human, that makes it hard. But I have God… you’d think that makes it easier. But at this present moment as I type this… it doesn’t.
You see, some times God tells us not to do something because it isn’t GOOD for us. Other times it’s because it isn’t RIGHT for us. But what isn’t right could be really great and so it’s learning to be patient and waiting on God for it to become right. Can I just say… OH MY GOSH DOES ANYONE REALISE HOW HARD THAT IS?! Let’s skip straight to it. I’m not actually talking about sex. I’m talking about intimacy. The cuddles, the kisses… All I want is to share my life with someone and be able to do that freely.
I’ve never cried about this before… but I think I could quite easily. Actually I have cried about this situation before but from a different perspective. Why oh why God? Why are you not answering the way I want you to? I’ve never been one to be all like “oh, marriage, let’s jump that bandwagon”; but I do long to be able to just freely be close to a guy. And not just any guy. THE guy. This… is… TORTURE.
I think what I’ve been struggling with is deep down is… for the past two and half years I’ve really cared about a certain guy; and was willing to do so much for him/us as a result. But for reasons I can’t share this guy pushed me away out of fear and it’s been pretty painful. Again for reasons I can’t share. But I guess if I’m honest I look at the whole thing and think “God, I can’t do this with another guy. It’s too hard emotionally.” As well as, “God, this is hopeless… there’s never going to be anyone for me.” I know these thoughts are normal and not necessarily true. But it’s just hard. Especially when you don’t actually feel free inside. Well, I am. But I’m just such a touchy feely person and it’s so hard to not be able to just express that. I think my expressive love language is physical touch. Laura would say differently. She thinks I’m super clingy with her and can’t wait for me to go to Australia so I stop hugging her all the time haha.
Some people think patience is admirable. Others think it’s ludicrous. Me? I don’t know what I think. Actually, what I think is trying to do what’s right before God puts you under a microscope in regards to other people’s perception of you.
I think right now the battle is doing what is right and doing what feels good; and having other people watch your every move and judge accordingly. I really want God… but I really want what I want too. The scary question is, how much longer do I have to wait? I don’t even wanna go there, it throws me into an overwhelming place.
God… I just want cuddles!! All the time!!!
Today I had a conversation about fear… and the power fear can have on us. When you actually think about it… it’s really sad. It’s sad to think of the opportunities missed, the memories uncreated, the relationships faded, the character ungrown… People stay confined where they are because they cannot move forward. A prison. People who fear are not free. People who fear find alternatives… but that just means they never fully become all they could be.
Fear can be based on bad experiences, the truth… but also lies, half truths and the incomplete picture. It’s so sad when we don’t have the knowledge we need. Like the understanding of who God really is and how He works. You know, I use to be scared to talk to God incase He “tricked me into doing something I didn’t want to do.” Funny isn’t it, it took me a little while to work out God will never forced me to do something…
The strangest thing is… what do we do about that fear? The person I spoke to just held onto it. I wish I challenge the person to speak to their friend when they meet about this fear. Fear is broken when you speak out, understand the fear and speak truth to it. Sometimes it really puzzles me why people don’t ask questions. Like when they get an idea in their head… why do they just stick with that idea and not find out if that idea really has any truth to it… I think it’d be amazing if people asked more questions about God. Especially His character… and will He force us to do something we don’t wanna do.
I have two questions when it comes to fear… Firstly, what is the worst that can happen? Secondly, what would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?
I have the strangest dreams… they’re so detailed. Really weird.
But in a nutshell last night I dreamt about a girl who got pregnant. She told the father. The father told his parents. The father’s mum totally flipped out to the point where you could forgive the girl for thinking she might have been in physical danger. The father stayed with the girl but, along with his mum had the attitude of “you got me into this situation“. And I followed this girl all the way to the point of giving birth.
Why is that the blame goes on the girl? SHE got pregnant? I can’t speak for other societies but in England it’s considered normal for guys to sleep with whoever they want but not girls. If a girl gets pregnant then it’s her fault. Not the guy’s fault. SHE should have been using contraceptives. Mum and I were talking about girls getting pregnant outside of marriage and my thing was, “look, everyone makes mistakes, at least they didn’t stuff up more by having an abortion.” Mum replies “You only gave me two options, how about not have sex in the first place.” She’s right, but also… since when has there ever been a society where no one has been sleeping around. There’s always at least two people. These things undoubtably happen.
I think whilst there are consequences to actions, I’m not denying that part, I also think girls in these situations are brave. To realise their mistakes, to stick with the decision to not abort, even though the world seems to hate you for it… That takes a lot of strength and shows a lot of character. I’m not saying it’s ok for them to be in that situation, but knowing God and His love… if someone’s sorry, and if they really want to do right before God… then He’ll help them. He’ll help the girls in these situations. He’ll give them a peace and conviction that in His mercy He’ll love them, provide for them and give them strength. Girl and baby. Maybe it takes time for the others to come around. But prayer and forgiveness are incredible weapons.
To some degree I’m not really sure why I’m writing about this… but I guess everyday thousands find themselves in this situation. And I guess I want to encourage them that God loves them so much, and He really wants to help them. Also, whilst some may give you a hard time, other’s will walk the journey with you. You can be sure of these things. On the other hand… it goes again to show you really really really DON’T want to even go near the opposite sex in THAT kinda way unless you’re prepared for this to happen. It all starts with a look, a flirt… and you may think that’s really dumb… but it’s true. We as humans have been designed for intimacy. So we can only look and flirt so much before we find ourselves desiring to take it to the next level. Don’t be naive and think “it wont happen to me”.
But to the other degree, I do know why I’m writing this. I didn’t tell you who was in my dream. But it was someone I know. Some of my spiritual gifting is in prophesy and visions. I could be totally wrong… and I’ll be the first to say it… but I think there are people who have been in this situation, are in this situation and are going to be in this situation. I’ve written to encourage the first two groups of people… Now for the later group I have a warning from the dream.
“You have a choice. If what I saw was true, then it scares me. It scares me for you, to see your life turn like that. Whilst God is merciful if you chose this path your life will become second best. Dreams, hopes, desires… they’ll fade. Life for you will be viewed through the lens of disappointment, regret and hard work for a very long time. Relationships will be strained and so will your friendships. Bitterness will be sticky like honey and burn like acid in your heart. So please, please please please don’t think it wont happen to you. Don’t learn this for yourself by first hand experience. You have to make the decision to stay close to God, be wise and act on it continually. In all that you do.”
Ok so my life seems to be about change and new things at the moment.
SO! After some discussion with a friend of mine… Brent. We have decided to become weight loss buddies. I know?! So random! But! His birthday is in 12 weeks and he needs to lose some weight in order to be able to celebrate his birthday sky diving. I have been wanting to lose a stone (6kg) for ages but haven’t had the motivation lately. I’ve been pretty busy and so it’s not been at all a priority.
However! We’re going to keep each other accountable and motivated. In order for this not to get to my head, and for it to be done healthily as much as possible I’ve told him a bunch of stuff…. like how I’m only going to weigh myself once a week; and we’re not going to restrict ourselves with what we eat… we’re going to eat healthy and exercise. Me, exercise…what a joke. No seriously haha, I’m pretty active. I walk EVERYWHERE. Whilst on placement, towards the end, I was walking about 10 miles every work day. But I wanna step it up a notch… so yea. He’s going to start a blog about it all… and I’m just going to walk the journey with him 😛
I’ll keep you all posted!