Step Into My World…

Archive for April, 2011



♫ Love in a man’s heart, I wanna have the whole and not a part, Strange that this feelin grows more and more, Cause I’ve never loved someone like you before… ♫

Laura and I have decided tonight that we really MUST go raving one day soooooooooon!!!



I dunno what I dislike more… the little black “X” that cancels/deletes/changes… or the feeling of poo.

I’ve been feeling for a while that I needed to do something but really put off doing it. Questions, doubts, uncertainty kept me from doing it… but I think I came to the conclusion that right now the thing I need to do something about is not a positive thing; and so something needed to be done about it.

After a long while of deliberation I figured “Well… sometimes that something is to remove yourself/others/it from the whatever it is that’s not positive“. Just easier said than done right? But I can’t hold on. I deserve so much more than what I’m feeling. But that concept in itself is interesting. We’re a generation that think we “deserve” this that and the other… but do we really? What makes us so self righteous to “derseve” what we think we deserve.

Kate Middleton didn’t come into this world thinking she “deserved” to marry Prince William. In fact I’m sure the fairy tale was so far past her concept of possibility that she wouldn’t have even thought about it. But the truth is… anything is possible… Still, whilst I know “anything” is possible, and whilst I believe my choice of the “x” button was right for this situation… it still makes it kinda sad to find yourself in a position to use it.

Praying to the Dead… and to Mike


So today has been a strange day.

I had plans… to study… which fell through. Surprise surprise… which is a total stress as I have an important exam soon… and failing is NOT an option. But I did go driving for 2 hours, and I did get a massive gift of items to sell… but I want most of the books myself. This is not going quite to plan haha. I’m trying to talk mum and dad into buying them for me as a birthday present. My birthday isn’t for another 4 months but you know… 😛 40 books for less than £40… how COULD they pass THAT opportunity up! Haha!! Then my light bulb broke and I’ve been feeling a little “off” this evening. So the thought of sitting in the dark alone was a bit creepy but then I rememberd I have candles. Unknown to Miles he gave me the idea, so thanks! Now I’m sitting in my room… in the dark… apart from the laptop screen lights and the glow of three candles. One of which has a Christmas scent… It’s a bit strange I have to admit 😛

But this creepy feeling started with finding out that someone the family know prays to Mike. Now, this whole concept is unfamiliar to me as it’s not biblical from a Christian perspective. And it’s been playing on my mind since. I think I eventually worked out that it freaked me out a bit for the following reason. Since it’s not something the Christian bible says is right, that makes praying to the dead wrong. What I believe, personally, based on what I know from the Christian bible is that you can’t talk to the dead. So when people try to communicate with the dead they’re tapping into the spiritial realms… and not in a good way. Subsequently the Devil, Satan is given an opportunity to play games, lie and really mess with someone’s head by communicating back, pretending to be someone’s loved one and all sorts of trickery and decit. From this angle, Mike’s dead, if someone prays to him then there’s nothing he can do. But if what I believe is correct then it gives Satan the opportunity to mess around with stuff to do with Mike. And I don’t like it. Mike isn’t harmed. But I feel harmed. I feel like Satan will get the opportunity to use “Mike” as part of some evil trick. Whether that’s a lie involving him or whatever. Dad and I were talking today. He said he could go in my room today and throw most of my stuff out without a problem. But if I died…. then he’d kill people if they touched my stuff. The point is… Mike is very special to me. In many ways Mike is very secrate to me. And so what I’ve sort of worked out is that whilst someone has good intensions and thinks praying to Mike is good… their belief is actually really distressing for me. I feel like it’s almost an abuse because of what I believe the consequences of it might be. So bizarre isn’t it. How what we each of us as indiviuals believe and practice can be so conflicting. But then when I thought about it all even more… I came to another conclusion… I don’t feel very educate about this whole concept of praying to the dead and so I want to understand it better.

I don’t really have a conclusion to this blog. I think I need to go away and understand it better…

I haven’t been feeling too good for a little while either… whilst I’m so excited about Australia, and all that’s going on at the minute. I’m feeling very under pressure. This sale, I’m desperate for people to come and there’s that nagging feeling of “are people even going to come?“… I know I need to trust God with this. Then there’s my driving… I still need a lot of practice and all I can keep hearing is “you’re going to fail, you’re going to fail, you’re going to fail“… I’ve also got the theory test coming up really soon and feel under preped for that… *sighs*. I know God is good and it’ll all work out eventually but my brain just feels a little mushed. I think that’s partly why I feel so grateful for having a spontaneous night at Miles’ on Sunday night… It’s funny, when you’re so go go go you don’t realise how much you need a break from it all until you do take a break and then you realise “Oh man the busy pace of life is getting a bit intense“.

I think I need more “times out” when it all gets crazy. The thing I tell myself is “You’re busy you dont have time to play“; and I think that’s dangerous. BECAUSE it’s busy you NEED space and time to play. After my theory test and this sale next week I’d love to go off to the lakes for the day… sun, chill and something adventerous!!

This… is… HARD.


This, is, hard. Life. Life is hard. Well, it’s not. But it is. I’m human, that makes it hard. But I have God… you’d think that makes it easier. But at this present moment as I type this… it doesn’t.

You see, some times God tells us not to do something because it isn’t GOOD for us. Other times it’s because it isn’t RIGHT for us. But what isn’t right could be really great and so it’s learning to be patient and waiting on God for it to become right. Can I just say… OH MY GOSH DOES ANYONE REALISE HOW HARD THAT IS?! Let’s skip straight to it. I’m not actually talking about sex. I’m talking about intimacy. The cuddles, the kisses… All I want is to share my life with someone and be able to do that freely.

I’ve never cried about this before… but I think I could quite easily. Actually I have cried about this situation before but from a different perspective. Why oh why God? Why are you not answering the way I want you to? I’ve never been one to be all like “oh, marriage, let’s jump that bandwagon”; but I do long to be able to just freely be close to a guy. And not just any guy. THE guy. This… is… TORTURE.

I think what I’ve been struggling with is deep down is… for the past two and half years I’ve really cared about a certain guy; and was willing to do so much for him/us as a result. But for reasons I can’t share this guy pushed me away out of fear and it’s been pretty painful. Again for reasons I can’t share. But I guess if I’m honest I look at the whole thing and think “God, I can’t do this with another guy. It’s too hard emotionally.” As well as, “God, this is hopeless… there’s never going to be anyone for me.” I know these thoughts are normal and not necessarily true. But it’s just hard. Especially when you don’t actually feel free inside. Well, I am. But I’m just such a touchy feely person and it’s so hard to not be able to just express that. I think my expressive love language is physical touch. Laura would say differently. She thinks I’m super clingy with her and can’t wait for me to go to Australia so I stop hugging her all the time haha.

Some people think patience is admirable. Others think it’s ludicrous. Me? I don’t know what I think. Actually, what I think is trying to do what’s right before God puts you under a microscope in regards to other people’s perception of you.

I think right now the battle is doing what is right and doing what feels good; and having other people watch your every move and judge accordingly. I really want God… but I really want what I want too. The scary question is, how much longer do I have to wait? I don’t even wanna go there, it throws me into an overwhelming place.

God… I just want cuddles!! All the time!!!

The Power of Fear..


Today I had a conversation about fear… and the power fear can have on us. When you actually think about it… it’s really sad. It’s sad to think of the opportunities missed, the memories uncreated, the relationships faded, the character ungrown… People stay confined where they are because they cannot move forward. A prison. People who fear are not free. People who fear find alternatives… but that just means they never fully become all they could be.

Fear can be based on bad experiences, the truth… but also lies, half truths and the incomplete picture. It’s so sad when we don’t have the knowledge we need. Like the understanding of who God really is and how He works. You know, I use to be scared to talk to God incase He “tricked me into doing something I didn’t want to do.” Funny isn’t it, it took me a little while to work out God will never forced me to do something…

The strangest thing is… what do we do about that fear? The person I spoke to just held onto it. I wish I challenge the person to speak to their friend when they meet about this fear. Fear is broken when you speak out, understand the fear and speak truth to it. Sometimes it really puzzles me why people don’t ask questions. Like when they get an idea in their head… why do they just stick with that idea and not find out if that idea really has any truth to it… I think it’d be amazing if people asked more questions about God. Especially His character… and will He force us to do something we don’t wanna do.

I have two questions when it comes to fear… Firstly, what is the worst that can happen? Secondly, what would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

A Dream, & A Warning…


I have the strangest dreams… they’re so detailed. Really weird.

But in a nutshell last night I dreamt about a girl who got pregnant. She told the father. The father told his parents. The father’s mum totally flipped out to the point where you could forgive the girl for thinking she might have been in physical danger. The father stayed with the girl but, along with his mum had the attitude of “you got me into this situation“. And I followed this girl all the way to the point of giving birth.

Why is that the blame goes on the girl? SHE got pregnant? I can’t speak for other societies but in England it’s considered normal for guys to sleep with whoever they want but not girls. If a girl gets pregnant then it’s her fault. Not the guy’s fault. SHE should have been using contraceptives. Mum and I were talking about girls getting pregnant outside of marriage and my thing was, “look, everyone makes mistakes, at least they didn’t stuff up more by having an abortion.” Mum replies “You only gave me two options, how about not have sex in the first place.” She’s right, but also… since when has there ever been a society where no one has been sleeping around. There’s always at least two people. These things undoubtably happen.

I think whilst there are consequences to actions, I’m not denying that part, I also think girls in these situations are brave.  To realise their mistakes, to stick with the decision to not abort, even though the world seems to hate you for it… That takes a lot of strength and shows a lot of character. I’m not saying it’s ok for them to be in that situation, but knowing God and His love… if someone’s sorry, and if they really want to do right before God… then He’ll help them. He’ll help the girls in these situations. He’ll give them a peace and conviction that in His mercy He’ll love them, provide for them and give them strength. Girl and baby. Maybe it takes time for the others to come around. But prayer and forgiveness are incredible weapons.

To some degree I’m not really sure why I’m writing about this… but I guess everyday thousands find themselves in this situation. And I guess I want to encourage them that God loves them so much, and He really wants to help them. Also, whilst some may give you a hard time, other’s will walk the journey with you. You can be sure of these things. On the other hand… it goes again to show you really really really DON’T want to even go near the opposite sex in THAT kinda way unless you’re prepared for this to happen. It all starts with a look, a flirt… and you may think that’s really dumb… but it’s true. We as humans have been designed for intimacy. So we can only look and flirt so much before we find ourselves desiring to take it to the next level. Don’t be naive and think “it wont happen to me”.

But to the other degree, I do know why I’m writing this. I didn’t tell you who was in my dream. But it was someone I know. Some of my spiritual gifting is in prophesy and visions. I could be totally wrong… and I’ll be the first to say it… but I think there are people who have been in this situation, are in this situation and are going to be in this situation. I’ve written to encourage the first two groups of people… Now for the later group I have a warning from the dream.

“You have a choice. If what I saw was true, then it scares me. It scares me for you, to see your life turn like that. Whilst God is merciful if you chose this path your life will become second best. Dreams, hopes, desires… they’ll fade. Life for you will be viewed through the lens of disappointment, regret and hard work for a very long time. Relationships will be strained and so will your friendships. Bitterness will be sticky like honey and burn like acid in your heart. So please, please please please don’t think it wont happen to you. Don’t learn this for yourself by first hand  experience. You have to make the decision to stay close to God, be wise and act on it continually. In all that you do.”

Goodbye 6kg :)


Ok so my life seems to be about change and new things at the moment.

SO! After some discussion with a friend of mine… Brent. We have decided to become weight loss buddies. I know?! So random! But! His birthday is in 12 weeks and he needs to lose some weight in order to be able to celebrate his birthday sky diving. I have been wanting to lose a stone (6kg) for ages but haven’t had the motivation lately. I’ve been pretty busy and so it’s not been at all a priority.

However! We’re going to keep each other accountable and motivated. In order for this not to get to my head, and for it to be done healthily as much as possible I’ve told him a bunch of stuff…. like how I’m only going to weigh myself once a week; and we’re not going to restrict ourselves with what we eat… we’re going to eat healthy and exercise. Me, exercise…what a joke. No seriously haha, I’m pretty active. I walk EVERYWHERE. Whilst on placement, towards the end, I was walking about 10 miles every work day. But I wanna step it up a notch… so yea. He’s going to start a blog about it all… and I’m just going to walk the journey with him 😛

I’ll keep you all posted!

Mike, At the End of the Tunnel…


You know… it’s really interesting. I saw this photo taken of Mike when he was about 16. Dad, Mike and Laura went down to the lakes one sunny afternoon. This is the third photo I’ve seen that I thought, “Uh… If only we knew what was coming.”

When I look at this photo. I see a few things. Firstly… as dad wrote on his blog in regards to this picture… there is always light at the end of the tunnel. But also… it gives me such a peace to know where Mike is. To know because of God’s Grace and the price Jesus paid for us that I will one day see Mike. I cannot imagine the pain of not knowing where a loved one is when they pass away.

I have no idea how it all works. Death. Do you wake up in Heaven? Do you wake up in a room? Do you wake up or were you never alseep? Or do you travel through a tunnel somehow? Like this photo. I don’t know. I’m not sure if anyone does know how it will work exactly. Just what’s said in the bible. And there’s enough evidence in the bible to suggest that we will be greeted when we too arrive in Heaven. I’d really like to see Mike like in this photo… waiting for me. And when he sees me… that he’d do what he did the first time he saw me after his 6 months away. Push past everyone with a big smile and come give me a give hug.

*Sighs*… if I live until around the age of 100 then I’ve only got about 80 years to go. It seems so far away. Even if I died at 50 that’s over 25 years away. It’s such a long time… and even though I know I’ll see him it’s so hard to get your head around the fact that you have to wait so long.

I think this is part of the reason as to why I struggle with people when they say they struggle to do long distance with a guy or girl in regards to a relationship. You have something. You have the ability to see each other, talk to each other, to write to each other. And you think that’s hard? I may have to wait decades before I can even SPEAK to someone I love. If you really love someone… then distance… no matter how great… will be worth it. Because you’ll have him or her in your life and they will have you. When you look… REALLY think about it… at what it means to be separated by death. Then any relationship issue in regards to distance is a walk in the park. BELIEVE ME. Your situation isn’t permanent. Neither is mine. The difference though is until I die there is nothing I can do about it. You have the choice to do anything and everything. For you, when it comes to long distance relationships…distance is within your control.

I KNOW what it means to wait for someone you love. To wait until the moment you can say hi to them… to wait in pain and separation… total separation… to one day see them again. This is why I cannot imagine the people I love not going to Heaven. It’s too hard. I wish I could live in ignorance and not think like that. But how can I? Mike isn’t here. The pain my heart carries is a constant reminder.

Free Music Tickets, Stole a Book & Another 94%!


Oh my GOSH today has been AMAZING!

It all started with my alarm going off at 8:10am. For some reason I was absolutely shattered last night and crashed at 12:25am. The past few days have been INSANE. In fact, my life is a bit insane at the moment. Yesterday I went for a 2 hour driving lesson, came home and chilled a bit. Cleaned my room and then worked on creating multiple leaflets to distribute to various groups of people. That took me a couple of hours. Then my stuff came from Ebay… I ordered all these little jewelery bags and so I spent the evening with Laura putting the jewelery in them. Silly me I spent an evening before last night going through and pricing them but then I lost the list. So I had to do it all over again… *sighs*.

So anyways this morning I was like… “No, I need more sleep!” Actually thinking about it Sunday was a late night too with mum, dad and I spontaneously going over to family friends for the evening. So after one more hour of sleep I got up, got ready and walked to the train station to catch the train to Preston… about 90 miles away. I walk 5 miles and get a train 180 miles twice a week now :S Lol! Studied for 6 hours… decided to take my second test and passed!!! 94% again!! Was so pleased! I had only just done my first test on Friday and scored 94%… so pleased I’m powering through my studies with such high marks. I also only just started my course on Wednesday, 7 days ago! I think it’s just been really encouraging because I did so badly with some of my essays at university and this is total confirmation that I’m really not stupid after all! 😀

Whilst I was studying I got the news we won tickets to RADIO 1’S BIG WEEKEND AWAY! Yes!!!!!!!!!! Laura and I get to go see Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, My Chemical Romance, The Script, Tiao Cruz, Katy B, Professor Green and The Wombats!!!!!!!!!!! Plus loads loads more! Yey Yey YEY!!! Roll on the 15th of May!!!! And guess where they’re performing?! CARLISLE! LOL!!!!!! Of ALL places?! Photos are going to be taken ALL day haha! Very excited that a bunch of friends also won tickets so it looks like it’s going to be a FUN day! There were 40,000 tickets; 20,000 for Saturday and 20,000 for Sunday…. over 700,000 registered to try and win… I’m SO happy!!!! And it didn’t cost me a penny! Ok OK… I need to calm down… But I’m SO excited! 😛

Then! On the train coming home someone left their book… brand new too… and they got off… so I took it. I actually felt really bad… I felt like I was stealing… especially because someone wrote on the bookmark “I love you today, I love you tomorrow, I love you always….” and then signed it 😦 But they weren’t coming back and I’ll take good care of it… I *heart* books. I’m actually a little funny about people lending them. I don’t like it when they come back with the spine cracked in a billion places; pages bent in the top corners; to mark where the person stopped reading; and pages falling out! Hahahah… I know… I’m silly.

Oh… and I also read 6 chapters of my driving book. Gotta brush up on all my knowledge for when I do the theory and practical exams!

But all jokes and laughs aside… You know how life seems to go through periods of ups and downs? Well… I gotta say it’s nice to be where I am at the moment. February and March had its good moments but it was a bit full on and hard for the most part. And I guess you don’t realise HOW much something affected you until the sun comes out. It’s only when the weight is taken off do you realise how weighed down you felt. Silly because you don’t even try for it to weigh you down.

Also, when I looked at everything I needed to do these coming months… my driver’s licence, practicing driving, taking the theory test, revising all the theory, my computer course, money, the loft, all the stuff to sell, the actual day of the sale, raising money for Australia… all of it takes hours and hours, days and days, weeks and weeks… And so, I didn’t want to make a plan. A diary of all the things I needed to do. For example, 9-1 I’ll do this and 2-4 I’ll do that… It just felt so overwhelming and like I’d never see the light at the end of the tunnel. Truth be told I just concentrated on one project… then when that was done I did the next project. Not only did I see projects were getting completed, which helped the motivation levels, I also saw gaps between things where I could work on other stuff. And so I gradually filled those gaps with another something I needed to do when not working on the project of choice. So, like today, on my train to and from my computer course I’m able to read and learn the theory for driving… I just keep the book in my bag and read it when I can. When I’m tired and just wanna sit down in front of the tv I grab my laptop and work on things that don’t take up too many brain cells like backing up my photos. I know some of these things sound silly… but I’ve so many projects that I’m dying to complete.

In a strange way… I feel like I’m tying up loose ends. I’m not sure if I’m closing doors exactly, but this move to Australia is seeing things come to an end and where there’s sort of things up in the air… it’s kinda like all coming to completion. That’s been my prayer… that my move to Australia will see the things here come to good places. In a way I guess I’m praying that if it’s right for me to go to Australia then God will just simply close doors… cut ties… and bring all things to be… that it really is time for me to move on… I think I’m feeling a lot more at peace with Australia. I always did sense a peace and a rightness about it but… seeing things comes together slowly and surely does give a confirmation.

I’d be really grateful if you could pray that God will continue to close doors, open doors and lead me exactly where He wants me to be. Please pray that everything will come together, that I’ll pass my drivers test in time for Australia, that I’ll raise the money I need, that the sale will go really well, and that God will just reveal His heart and ways to me 🙂 Thanks! 😀

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Breakup Songs


This was actually a funny conversation. I don’t know about guys, but there are girls I know who manage to assign a song to be their “Breakup Song”. What is this? It’s a song that is listened to regularly either to get over a guy or to reminisce to. Is that the right way of saying it? Well anyways, the girls who were talking to be about this had every song from “Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer all the way to “Tragedy” By the BeeGees… and everything in between. The best one I heard was one chick enjoyed listening to “Hakuna Matata” from the Lion King 😛 Haha, AWESOME! When I was asked what my breakup song is… I actually struggled to answer that as I don’t think I have one. But Craig David’s “I’m Walking Away” was a good one for a while. I think the thing with breakup songs is you find a find that just registers with you… and the lyrics of this one fitted with me at the time haha.

My Knock Off £6 Uggs on the Dance Floor!


So last night I went around to Alice’s for a few drinks. We’d already planned that I wouldn’t be going out clubbing with her as I didn’t have money or a way home.

Thinking it was going to be a somewhat quiet evening from my part I was greeted by a hyper Alice, already feeling it from just one can of beer haha. In her defense it’d been 11 months since she’d gone out and she had a baby in between then 😛 And within minutes of getting to her’s I had already broken one of her freezer drawers… this was before I drank anything… and I somehow also managed to drink rum, Pepsi and shampoo. That sounds really bad doesn’t it? Well, what happened was I had some rum at home. And as a cost saving tip I poured some of it into a really small bottle that was empty. I cleaned it out prior to the evening and before the rum went in I washed it a few more times just to be safe. But by the time I got to making a drink it’d been about 2 hours and the alcohol in the rum had absorbed any remaining shampoo. Can I just say… after two sips I realised there was NO way I was going to be able to drink it! Gutted…! Jack Sparrow and his line from Pirates of the Caribbean was going through my mind for a good while afterwards… “Where’s all the rum gone?!”

Anyways… Kelly had come over to do Alice’s make up and hair; we were all having such a great time that both Kelly and I ended up deciding to go out on the town with Alice. I think we get talked into things way too easily! Hahah! We eventually got into town two hours after Alice had originally planned haha. Oops. Thankfully for Kelly she was able to go home to change… I went out in a t-shirt, jeans and a pair of £6 knock off Uggs from Primark! Didn’t stop me from dancing my sober fake Uggs on the dance floor! Hahaha… who cares right? Since there wasn’t anyone I knew… that I could see anyways… it was me doing the Saturday Night Fever and the llama moves from Emperor’s New Groove 😛 Managed to turn a few guy heads hahaha. I must have looked hot as hahaha! Also saw Lauren out, was good to see her as it’d been AGES 😀 But somehow, she manages to share THE worst stories about me to others :S Like last night when I meet all these guys that she’s out with and she tells me she’s told them all these embarrassing stories I’m thinking “Argh! What a GREAT first impression!” hahaha. Awkward! You know that feeling when you realise the people around you are kinda eyeing you up a bit like “OH yea????” Lol! Yup… that’s what it was! To be fair me doing the running man on the dance floor prob didn’t help matters LOL!!!!

But I think the best bit of the evening was the walk home at 1am listening to “Cotton Eyed Joe” on my iPod haha 😛

Anyways… was a good spontaneous night… and I’ve got a busy day today… so best get cracking!

Until the World Ends…


So this song came on….

I hated it… but for some reason it was on repeat… and this is exactly what happened to me before long!!!!

So You Wanna Know Who I’m In A Relationship With??


Ok Ok Ok I’ll reveal it to you!!! But I gotta tell you a bit of a story… common, I know you wanna know the details, who, what, where, how etc… 😛

So anyways… the past few days I’d been thinking about a few things. One key subject that came up in a few conversations is the attitudes of various individuals towards dating, relationships, and all the factors involved with these subjects.

Facebook is a central source of gossip. Let’s be frank. Everyone’s life is an open book. What people say and write is under scrutiny and others discover a lot more about each of us than what we think. Just by what we write and share on Facebook. Lately some people’s attitudes towards others have changed because they have not been impressed by what these other people have said or are doing in regards to relationships. Sadly, the opinions towards these others are being a bit drastically lowered. Trust me… it’s a big learning curve for me too. Lots for me to think about regarding what people see in me when it comes to my Facebook and Blog… But these attitudes on Facebook have really got me thinking about relationships and dating. And where I’m at with it all.

Please don’t take what I’m saying in any way other than I intend it. I’m not trying to embarrass anyone, talk down about anyone… we all write or say stuff that isn’t smart. It’s just given me food for thought to process and learn about myself.

So anyways I was on the train, thinking about these random things and I’m one of these people who is forever having random conversations with God through out the day. And so I was praying about it all. My future, for my friends, the potential relationships in my future. I soon worked out that where I am with it all is…

Look, I don’t have anything to hide, I’ve been there done that seen it all. I’m not proud of it… but I’m past the dating. I’m past the superficiality of it all. I understand a lot more about the blessings of being single than I ever did before; I understand a lot more about waiting; about growing friendships… I’m very content in my life when it comes to guy/girl relationships. What I realised as I talked to God on the train, it’s not about whether I have a date or not this weekend, it’s not about how many guys are demonstrating an interest in me… the truth is I don’t even want any of that! Deep down I want real authentic relationships. I want to go for coffees with loads of guys and girls and walk life with them. I want to go for walks and other random adventures to create memories with everyone. I get a far greater satisfaction being friends with loads of people than having one key individual. I’m not saying I don’t want a relationship… I’m saying I enjoy what I have. I enjoy the lack of complexity of it. I enjoy having a friendship with others that is different. Different to what everyone else is charging around for in life. I’m not saying my way is right, I’m saying this is what works for me.

People have wondered if I’m jealous about certain things. Truth is no. Whilst others feel a need to flirt or find someone asap; whilst others fear letting go of one relationship before they have another potential relationship to grab hold of; whilst some seem to work their way around groups of guys or girls… it’s not where I am. I love the people in my life dearly. I love them all to pieces. I have a life goal to become better and better at walking life with others. In every shape and form. I want to get better at that. Because I value them all. Sometimes I get things wrong, other times I really hurt people… and I’m heaps sorry for that. But I want you in my life, I want to get to know you and I want to be there for the fun stuff, the normal stuff and if or when you need me.

I do have a dream… a dream to one day fall in love with a guy… for a guy to fall in love with me. For us to learn to walk life together… But right now, I’m content. I’m content being me with a million friends. I’m content to spend time with God and myself learning, growing and understanding. I think where I’m at right now is… I don’t want to date. I don’t want to be someone’s exclusive partner. I want friends and best friends with loads of people. We’ll go for coffees, walks, adventures… we’ll do it all. But I wanna do it with all of those who are important to me. I don’t wanna be somebody’s girlfriend. I don’t wanna date. I want a God led progression in my life. I would love it if he and I were best friends and one day we simply realise neither of us what to be apart from each other. Sure it’s all very romantic of me to say this. When does life ever work out like that? I might walk down the street tomorrow and bump into the hottest guy ever and fall madly in love hahah. But that’s where I am at this moment in time with it all. As I wrote last night… when it happens, it just happens. These things when you’re not looking for them do sometimes come out the blue.

So finally… why am I in a relationship… LOL! This is THE best story ever. So after thinking through all this on the train. I came home, and logged into Facebook. When it went from the log in page to the home page I clicked on my profile, wrote my status and saw…. A Big Pink Heart?! As I read “Akila is in a relationship” I almost yelled out loud “With WHO?!” I have no clue how or why my relationship status changed. I haven’t touched my relationship status in months. Due to Laura’s detective skills we worked out that it changed approximately 2 minutes before I wrote my status. Roughly around the time I logged in. So, here’s my theory. Facebook keeps a count of how many times someone logs into their account. When it reaches the point where someone logs into their account 1 million times, then Facebook automatically changes your relationship status for you. Yes… it’s true… I’m officially in a relationship status with Facebook apparently 😛

Will I change my relationship status back?… No. I don’t think I will for now. It’s a reminder of where I am, how I feel, and what I want from and to give the people in my life. A real authentic friendship. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that. So if you would like to, I’d really like to walk life together with you. Yes, You.

It’s True…I’m In a Relationship!!!!!!!


Arghhhh cannot believe it, I’m in a relationship… what can I say?! When it happens it just happens!! Haha I know some of you have been seriously holding onto the edge of your seat to find out about who the guy is… but before I tell you, I’m going to update you on my day!

So I woke up, walked 30 mins, caught a train for an hour, walked ten mins, revised, took an exam, scored 94%… boomyah baby!! I rule the cool!… legged it to the train station, missed the train by 20 seconds, hung around town for 45 mins, caught the next train… it should be illegal to squish everyone into a sardine can!… walked 30 mins, got home… the rest is history baby 😉

Whilst my love life was being organised for me I managed to have a 3 hour skype session with a friend… one conversation subject was going lingerie shopping with your girlfriend when one of you is getting married. If you think about it… there’s something wonderfully disturbing about that hehe. What a privilege to go with your girlfriend and help her… but now you know what she’s going to be wearing when…let’s put this bluntly… she’s going to be doing it for the first time! LOL!

Ok Ok Ok… so you still want to know who I’m in a relationship with? … I think I might keep this one off facebook and my blog for a while…

Toodles Peps! 😛

I Feel Let Down…


I feel a bit let down. I know I said I didn’t wanna go but that was because it wouldn’t have been the same as what it once ment to me. You told me it would be about us. Us. We’d create the moment together. As us. So I started to come around to the idea. Only tonight you told me you’re not even gonna be here. Everyone else gets to celebrate these special moments their dream way and when I look at how it was for me. That occasion you left me. That other occasion I was forced to not make it happen. Another occasion Mike decided to die. A somebody else disappeared too. Now this. All that work, all that pain, sweat and tears. All that money. Now I get to spend it alone. Just as I did then. I have so much to be thankful for. So much to be grateful for. But everyone I seem to know gets to celebrate at least one of these things in a special way that’d not overshadowed or a result of a shattered dream. Me? I spend it alone for one occasion, burying my brother for another occasion and this time… well, I guess I don’t want to even go there. No point thinking about it or talking about it. If this was Laura it’d be different. But for some reason, it’s me. I’m not wallowing in pity. I’m just disappoint tonight.

Quick Update!


Ok so these past few days I’ve been working my butt off organising all these things for the garage sale. Thankfully most of it’s done now. Just waiting on some bits and pieces to come from Ebay to finish the rest off. Actually thinking about it it’s been like a month. My life has consisted of being in the loft and organising this stuff… crazy times! Anyways, I’m just now working on when to have the garage sale.

It is interesting, I have a whole load of things to do at the moment, especially before I go to Australia, and somehow it’s all coming together… Slowly… and one project at a time. But it’s coming 🙂

Tomorrow I start my computer course… FINALLY. I honestly thought they would have been able to get me on the programme months ago but better than never. I am slightly bummed about the long commute each day. I gotta travel over four hours a day which means I only get 5 hours of study. If I was allowed to get there earlier it’d still be a four hour commute but it would mean I get 8 hours of study a day. I’m gonna see how it goes this coming week. I’ll study 3 days at the training centre and 2 days at home and see if I can stay focused at home. Doing it from home would save be almost 9 hours commute time a week. Hmmm… drama drama drama. The other thing would be to take my laptop with me on the train but I wouldn’t have internet access and it’s heavy. So I’d be walking 3 miles with it and have it with me unused all day… maybe this is where I need to steal my dad’s phone 😛 Tonight is also the first time I’m going to bed at midnight in a very long time… it’s so early!!! I feel my body rejecting sleep already hahah 😛 Ooooo and I made a pack lunch for tomorrow!! It’s so cute!!! I haven’t made a pack lunch in ages!

The cats are officially banned from being inside the house as they keep weeing on EVERYTHING and ALL the time. I got so angry with Jewels today. I love him to pieces but when you catch him having a massive piss on your clothes it’s BOUND to frustrate you… especially when the washing machine is broken and the guy isn’t coming until Thursday 😦

Still trying to sort some stuff out for Australia in terms of details but buying the ticket is planning on happening in the next few weeks. I just need to find out when the ship is in Australia and where because I might look into getting a multi stop ticket. Hmmmm… we shall seeeeee 😀 Eak… pretty trippy!!! 😀

Okies… it’s my bed time! 😛

da Vinci, Aristotle & Others…

The accent of one’s birthplace lingers in the mind and in the heart as it does in one’s speech. – De La Rochefoucauld

It is easy, terribly easy, to shake a man’s faith in himself. To take advantage of that, to break a man’s spirit is devil’s work. – George Bernard Shaw

When people will not weed their minds they are apt to be overrun with nettles. – Horance Walpole

Human subtlety… will never devise an invention more beautiful, more simple, or more direct than does Nature, because in her inventions nothing is lacking, and nothing is superfluous. – Leonardo da Vinci

Nature does nothing without purpose or uselessly. – Aristotle

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. – Ecclesiastes 3:11

An English home, grey twilight poured, on dewy pasture, dewy trees, softer than sleep, all things in order stored, a haunt of ancient peace. – Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Sincerity is a jewel which is pure and transparent, eternal and inestimable. – Christopher Smart

I see waves upon the sore like star showers thrown. – Shelly

Nature cannot be ordered about, except by obeying her. – Francis Bacon

One man that has a mind and knows it can beat ten men who haven’t and don’t. – George Bernard Shaw

I linger yet with nature and her starry shade of dim and solitary loveliness I learned the language of another world. – Lord Byron

The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord is enthroned as King forever. The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with Peace. – Psalm 29:10-11.

The nature of God is a circle of which the centre is everywhere and the circumference is nowhere. – Anonymous

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. – Antoine de Saint Exupery

Better by far should you forget and smile; Than that you should remember and be sad. – Christina Rossetti

Sow an act and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap a character. Sow a character and you reap a destiny. – Charles Reade

Thou art my way; I wander, if thou fly; Thou art my light; if hid, how blind am I! Thou art my life; if thou withdraw, I die. – Francis Quarles

Be still and know I am God. – Psalm 46:10

Life well spent is long. – Leonardo da Vinci

The man who makes no or few mistakes does not usually make anything. – Edward John Phelps

It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself. – Thomas Paine

Never stop because you are afraid, you are never so likely to be wrong. Never keep in the line of retreat, it is a wretched invention. – Fridtjof Nansen

The difficult is what takes little time. The impossible is what takes a little longer.  – Fridtjof Nansen

Did not God sometimes withhold in mercy what we ask, we should be ruined at our own request. – Hannah More

The greatest thing in the world is to know how to be oneself. – Montaigne

Whenever I prepare for a journey I prepare as though for death. Should I never return, all is in order. – Katherine Mansfield