Step Into My World…

Archive for March, 2011

What I’ve Been Doing…

Hey!

So the past few days I’ve been working on making, wrapping and organising a whole bunch of things… here’s some pictures of what I’ve done. Unfortunately I had loads more things I’ve done but no photos yet… Anyways… this has been totally back-breaking work but so much fun! 😀


The Untold Letter…

Hey!

So I wrote a letter to God last night… I wrote stuff that could never go on my blog because people would literally kill me for writing it. But in amongst it all I asked a lot of “Why?” questions. Not actually so much as an expression to know the answers but as an expression of frustration in order to keep moving forward. Today, I think God reminded me of a few things.

Firstly, I love people. I love people I love people I love people. I love walking lifw with people, creating moments and having fun. I love being the shoulder to lean on and the one to make someone smile. It’s such a joy and privledge to be in people’s lives like that. Secondly, I don’t need to worry about whether I’m liked or not… cos I have a whole bunch of friends who think I’m the bees knees, want me in their lives and are willing to help me grow. Please note that wasn’t said in arrogance but relief. Relief that it’s not just God who thinks good things about me but others do too. And they’re willing to sit on facebook for hours and write encouraging messages to me. Thirdly, God showed me three verses.

John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give you as the world gives. Do not be trouble and do not be afraid.” My future, money, driver’s license, job, security, let down by people… God knows my fears and hurts, he sees them, he’s seen past them… and he’s seen me finish the race. And He’s still telling me not to worry. That’s gotta be a good sign in itself right? I need to keep focused on Him…I need to put one foot in front of the other and just trust him.

Just incase I didn’ get the message… the next verse I stumbled across was Matthew 6:26, “Look at the birds in the skies; they do not sow or reap or store away in their barns and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.” I always took that verse to meet in the literal sense. Which I still do… but tonight God was reminding me that actually, I don’t need to try and make things happen. With anything in my life. It just will. Of course I need to put effort in but it’s coming to the real understanding of what’s in my power, what’s my responsibility and trusting God with His power. As I write this it’s hard not to feel a strong rise of emotion in my heart. I kept saying it but somehow I’ve forgotten what I preached, “This is not my battle. It’s God’s.” There’s such a release in knowing that. A release to not fear but to enjoy. A release to trust and have faith. Again.. this is all what I was writing to God last night…

Finally, Psalm 19:1, “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the wor of His Hands.” I’ve really been lacking direction and vision with my future. This verse doesn’t give me a three point process and a 10 year plan which I’d quite like! But it does again reconvict me that the blue print of my life is to tell people about God. To tell them my story. To tell them of Hope, Love, Grace and Peace.

With this knowledge and the words from God regarding the previous two verses. The three point process and 10 year plan IS there. God has it all mapped out already. So to sum it up. God told me to … Stop Worrying. Keep Trusting. He WILL meet EVERY need I have. And He WILL reveal All.

There’s some of what I wrote last night that I CAN share…. Sorry if it doesn’t make a lot of sense. I had to remove most of what I wrote and instead fill the gaps with “…”

Dear God,

Why do I not have answers yet? Why do people not communicate? Why do people make me waste so much time and energy by not communicating with me?… How come YOU’RE not communicating the way I need?… Why do I not have a job? Why am I not excited?… Why do I not feel direction. Why do I not have money? Especially when I need it to get my driver’s provisional? Why am I where I am in life?… I feel so tormented with questions… God I don’t feel broken, I don’t feel lost even… nor do I actually feel desperate. It’s just I want to let go of stuff. And I’m trying to give it to you again right now but I need to be honest with you in order to do that. Again, like many times before. Cos it’s all getting too much. I don’t really need to have answers God… I just need to vent to you and ask the questions for my own sake. God why do you take Mike? I’m not angry with you on this. Just my throat closes, my chest tightens and my eyes pour with tears. Why? What outcome did you have planned for his death? God I wish I could talk to someone about all this. But at the same time I really don’t. I’m tired of making myself vulnerable and being let down by others. All the time… God where’s the beauty in all of this? What do I need to do to see it? Cos I’ll keep forgiving, I’ll keep being vulnerable, I’ll keep saying sorry, I’ll keep working on me as a whole, I’ll do it all… But please… please please please send me a sign, send me a break through. Send me something that could only be of you and please help me. I choose to do it all and have/will continue to take the many valuable lessons learnt from all this but you gotta help me. Your strength God. Your understanding and your grace. Please take away this anger and give me the peace of your Holy Spirit. Forgive me for not trusting you more with all of this, and for not being great at communicating myself with you. I have so much I need to do as a person and in life right now and God I really can’t do it all… I really can only concentrate on one day at a time. Since Mike died I’ve really only been able to take it one day at a time… still sometimes one hour at a time. Not because of his death and grief anymore but because you God are literally the only one who can guide my life. And people, including myself, keep giving me a hard time about this. “You should know where you’re future lies Akila.” “You have a head Akila.” Words like that don’t help me God, they just cast doubt and fear my way. God I really need to know what you want me to do… and I know in time you will show me but I’m just letting you know I’d really like to know. So if I gotta do some stuff or think through some stuff or deal with some stuff or whatever then please lead me to that place. Just reveal things to me God. Cos I really wanna know your heart and ways. Your plan for me and for those around me. God I’m sorry for being angry… but please also know I’m trying to be real with you here. Tonight, I’m not ok with these things. And I need to tell you that.

Akila xx


The Porn Star & The Loft

Hey!

Oh my word guess what… how cool is THIS!!!

I logged onto my blog and it shows me what search engines referred my blog for the day and what was typed to find my blog. Someone typed something into google… which I wont repeat on here fully but included the phrase “xxx“. I was thinking “Errrrrrrrrrr what the heck is on my blog to be associated to that phrase.” So I typed the full phrase into google myself to find out what was on my blog to be associated to it and guess what came up!??!!? My post on “There is Hope” !!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone was trying to access something porn related and they got me instead!! And a post about how guys are not all jerks… Of all things to stumble across when trying to access porn!!! If it was a girl I hope it gave her hope and if it was a boy I hope my little lecture spoke to him. Either way isn’t that cool that God would use my random thoughts to lead someone to my blog on google.

You know what’s also so cool… I’ve wanted to talk to large groups of people. Mainly motivational speaking… But I’ve always wanted to speak to large groups about life, God and random stuff that’s relevant to helping people grow or walk life with one another… And my blog gives me a platform to do that. Going back to the comments people have made about them not being able to blog and be as open as me about my life… sure having a blog comes with a price. I make myself vulnerable and I hate that feeling. But… without a blog I wouldn’t be able to share so much with people. I couldn’t be as honest as I wanna be. I couldn’t speak to large groups of people. And you would miss out on watching God in my life.

Yesterday night I wrote a blog in desperation called “A Secret” and hours later God shows me something that lead me to writing “There is Hope“. So often I forget all the things God HAS done in my life because it’s not recorded somewhere. So all in all… I’m glad I have a blog. I’m glad I can share stuff with you all… it helps me. And I really hope God continues to use it 🙂

Also… I finished the loft about 30 min ago :D! Woop Woop! 27 boxes packed; hit my head close on 50 times; lost 6 nails; covered in bruises, have the lungs of a chimney… but there’s nothing like the satisfaction of finishing a project! 😀 Now to drink a cuppa tea, clean my room, sort a few bits and pieces out and then write a paper on my vision for the next 5 years… hmmm SHOULD be interesting! 😛


DJ Got Us Fallin In Love…

♫ So dance, dance, like it’s the last, last night of your life, life; Gonna get you right; Cause baby tonight, the DJ got us falling in love again… ♫


There is Hope…

Hey!

Lately, I’ve been feeling like “guys are jerks“. I’m hearing too many stories of boys being boys. One of my girls has a guy ignoring her; another told a guy she likes him only to be shot down quite harshly; the father of one of my girl’s babies wont support her the way she desires… the list is endless.

Sometimes my girls and I wonder if boys even have feelings. It does help to understand the way a guy processes things and it does help to understand guys and the psychology of behaviour… But all we really want is to be worth something to someone. When we fall for someone, make ourselves vulnerable for someone, give up so much for someone, have children with someone… and the guy pushes us away… it literally kills us. It’s like our chest is physically crushing our hearts and the psychological darkness and grief that comes with it all… for us the relationship process is more often than not like a grief processes. And we’re crying out for something real, lasting and authentic with a guy. We have so much to give and we just want someone to love us back.

In the past 20 hours alone I’ve come across two things that have given me hope about guys.

Firstly, I met up with Alice yesterday and we ended up in town in a clothes shop that a mutual guy friend worked in. I’ve known Andy for 18 years and Alice for 14 years. Growing up Andy use to live next door to me and Alice lived about a 5 minute walk away. Somehow us three and another guy use to hang out all the time, especially in year three and four. We would have been about 7/8 years old. Anyways, Chris was my first valentine and Andy was Alice’s. Well, we discovered from Andy that he and Chris made an event of picking out the valentine’s cards together. I was surprised they bought them, I thought Chris’s mum picked it out. What 7 year old buys a card?! I was quite pleased to find that out haha. But here’s what struck me…

Andy: You were my first girlfriend.

Alice: Yea same and you were my first valentine, I remember you wrote …. in the card.

Andy: Yea I remember that card, I kept the card you gave me… still have it now.

14 years later, here we are grown men and women and somehow our childhood antics stuck with us. It was really encouraging for me to hear Andy still has his card. That somehow it ment something to him all the years later and inspite of all the other cards from the ladies in his life. It sounds silly, but it gave me hope that guys do have feelings, they do keep things that mean something, they still cherish and even protect items of memories that mean something. They just don’t talk about it the same way girls do and will often wait SIGNIFICANT periods of time before sharing that. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s what I took from it.

Secondly, and even to back up with first realisation of hope. I had a best friend… he still means a lot to me now. We lived life together super close and he really seemed to care about me a lot. When I was sick in hospital he came to visit me multiple times, he sought my advice on clothes, he would take me on walks, we would sit in a bar and laugh ourselves silly, we’d meet each other for lunch… EVERYTHING. Until he found a girl friend and completely pushed me out his life. Pretty much from he day he started dating her. It broke my heart. Literally. I cried for 3 days straight. To me friendship are treasures and I thought our friendship ment something. I’d known him for a few years and I thought it was REAL our friendship. Yet a chick comes and he not only drops everything with me but just cuts me out. To me you just don’t do that, a best friend is a best friend. Yet he made me feel so unworthy on so many levels… another notch on the belt for not trusting guys. But this morning I received the following email from him…

You are a friend that I let go for the wrong reasons. I hope you are well and miss your friendship so much. Besides the confusing times it was wicked to know you… 🙂 much love xxx

This friend and I actually skyped 5 months after he cut me out his life and we talked. He already acknowledged he hurt me and made mistakes. But, the whole thing really has kinda haunted me for the past 2 and a half years. Then to get that email. That’s all it said. Nothing more nothing less. That’s it.

Guys do process. It may be in boxes and they may compartmentalized. But it does catch up on them so to speak. I still think about this guy often and pray for him. I’m encouraged to know girls that guys do think things through, they do realises their mistakes and they do feel bad for things… eventually haha. But at least we don’t have to walk around thinking “does he miss me“, “does he care“, “what’s even thinking” etc… The point is, he will miss you, he will care and he will think… maybe not straight away. Most likely not at the time… but he’ll realise what he had with you and be sad you’re not in his life in the same way you once were. Maybe not in a “lets get back together” kinda way. But you can have peace ladies that he will in his own way go through the process too.

I think girls we can process things about a guy in-depth whilst also thinking about our school work, the party coming up, what we’re going to do about the shoe with a hole in it, reminding ourselves to buy shampoo, what gift to buy our nan for her 90th birthday, what’s on tv tonight, whether to cook bake beans or a roast for dinner… and a million other things all at the same time. And I think guys are more like a check list. They’ve thought about one thing they cross it off and go onto the next thing. I could be wrong. But that’s kinda my conclusion. Plus they’re not the best at looking at things from multiple perspectives. So when they get an idea in their mind they go with that. That’s why they’ll often come back to things and realise they miss you, that it was great you being in their lives, and what a mistake it was to behave the way they did… Again could be wrong. But just going on my experience and observations 🙂

Girls, don’t take what I say as a sign to hold on to a guy. By the time they realise things it could be years and believe me, just focus on God and if its right then He’ll reunite you both in someway. You can have full faith in that. But in the mean time I just wanna give you hope… Girls you do have an impact on the guys around you and they still care about you. Just like Andy and his card. You’ll say things, challenge them, laugh with them… and they will remember a lot more about you than you think. But be you, you don’t need to act “better” than you are around them… or in a certain way. Just be real because they already see that in you. It’s not hopeless after all when it comes to guys 🙂


A Secret…

So many times I find myself typing all the things I can’t say to someone or about life. Sometimes I hit save… sometimes I highlight it all and press “delete”. So much I want to say… so much you don’t know. It’s hard to not blame others for my being in some of these positions. Sometimes the situations make me angry, other times I feel so tortured. But mostly all I bloody want is for God or someone to release me from it all. This not being able to express myself is an absolute killer… it’s really really getting to me. Along with not knowing how to respond to these different things. So much pressure, so much uncertainty. And all I can do is keep laying it down before God… if only he’d make things clear and give me the feelings I so desire… cos I’m getting real tired of the tears.


I Wish…

I wish I could take away people’s pain completely… But I guess all I can do is walk the journey of life with them. Having said that… I wish I did a lot more for others… So often I think what I have done is so not enough…


Humiliating Photos of Me!

Hey!

So I’ve been going through my photos recently just sorting them all out and I’ve found a whole load that I absolutely LOVE. Some are quite humiliating but oh so funny at the same time 😛

This was taken on my 20th Birthday. I absolutely *heart* it because my friend Emma caught my reaction as I fell about laughing at something whilst Chris looked somewhat bemused at my response haha. It captured the moment anyways!! 😀

My Dory from Finding Nemo Impression. HAHAHAHAHAH... Laura loves this picture! Argh!

Sister Love.

Psycho Bus Driver kept Laura and I entertained Hahahah.

Laura and I having Fun 😀


New Unknown Quotes

My head says, “Who cares?” But then my heart whispers, “You do, stupid.”

When you say “I love you“, you’re making a promise with someone else’s heart. Try to honor it.

Dear Destiny, I am ready now.

Isn’t it amazing how a person who was once just a stranger, suddenly meant the world to you?

I hope you want to stay for a long time because my heart really likes you.

Funny how falling feels like flying for a little while.

Sometimes, the smallest things take up the most room in your heart – Winnie the Pooh.

So tell me darling do you wish we’d fall in love?

Wish you were here. With I was there. Wish it was different. Wish that wishes came true.

Sometimes I think a soulmate is someone who will make you be the most YOU that you can possibly be.

Never take someone’s feelings as a joke. You never know how much it frickin hurts.

I’m looking down at the mess you made and I can’t believe that I stayed so unhappy for so long.

After an argument I think about the clever things I should have said.

I’m Chuck Bass. Your argument is invalid.

If I die tell my followers I love them.

I’d prefer you offline, instead of seeing you online and you’re not talking to me.

I hate you, and then I love you. It’s like I want to throw you off a cliff, then rush to the bottom to catch you.

Just be yourself. No one is and will ever be perfect. Take pride of your strengths and embrace your weaknesses. Never change for anyone or anything else because for sure, someone out there loves you for the way you are.

Athazagoraphobia: The fear of being forgotten.

I must get back to the sea.

Instead of telling you how I feel, I sit on Tumblr and post notes and pictures about it.

I hate that mood when I don’ feel like talking to anyone, faking a smile, pretending to be happy like I always do, but at the same time, I don’t know what’s wrong.

This Christmas I’d rather have your presences than your presents.

You’re far too lovely to be so lonely.

I’ve forgotten your face in the rains of November. I’ve forgotten your voice I don’t want to remember…

No Answer: The amorous subject suffers anxiety because the loved object replies scantily or not at all to his language.

I miss you.

Love“, a word that seems to unveil the skies.

Happiness is a journey… not a destination. – Ben Sweetland

I can taste the moonlight on your skin.

You didn’t even notice I was gone.

A la folie: To insanity.

Those were yesterday’s feelings.

Shut up and cuddle with me.

I am so terribly confused.

She was a ghost. But through her you could see the stars.

It is simple to say I love you. But it is hard not to cry sometimes.

So many mistakes, with little time to correct. Only Forgive.

As we’re escaping, ghosts of the past sleep lightly, so mind the floor boards.

There’s two ways of looking at everything; life’s too short to start shit and way too short to take shit.

I wonder how many people I’ve looked at all my life and never actually seen.


That 1%…

Hey!

So I’ve been thinking… 1% changes everything doesn’t it? Especially with relationships. In a relationship that 1% of doubt can make it fall apart yet for one of the people it only takes 1% to hold on hoping. When you actually think about it… and if you apply it to God and life. It’s actually astonishing.

My first thoughts are… how come the other 99% doesn’t speak to us louder? It is after all 99% greater! So why is it then 99% quieter? Secondly, why is it for so many of us that we are willing to do so much as a result of that 1% of hope? We are willing to wait, think, sleep and breathe prayers of hope… all as a result of 1%. We are willing to wait by the phone, check facebook, fast, go on prayer walks with God and a million other things all as a result of 1% of hope that the relationship with the guy or girl we like will work. Our lives become so centred on 1% of hope. A girl likes a guy, he doesn’t know she likes him, she knows he’s not really into her, yet those 2 minute chats once a blue moon keeps her awake at night smiling and day dreaming!? It’s insane!

Why is it though… that we don’t act like this with God? Why do we focus on 1% of doubt and not 1% of hope when it comes to God? Why is it that we don’t fight for our relationship with God with the same passion we do for our desire of an earthly relationship. Through my own relationships and relationship with God, along with watching other people’s relationships and their relationship with God… the WHOLE picture does make me quite curious at our human behaviour, human desires, and the way we interact with God. It seems to be, looking at it from this perspective that we don’t expect a lot from Him do we? If we did… that 1% of hope would flame flames of passionate time consuming walking with God activities. But no, we listen to that 1% of uncertainty, doubt, negativity towards God and live a crappy life waiting for more. Crappy life meaning we could have so much more.

I realise these may be very general statements to make but I do find it somewhat actually quite hard to understand why people struggle with their relationship with God in light of looking at things from this perspective. We ARE very very very passionate beings deep down. 1% can change everything… but it shouldn’t be anywhere near as strong as the other 99%. So often I’m not sure if things are really from God, whether I’ve heard rightly or not and all sorts of other things… but you know what? I got nothing to lose. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if we’re right or wrong, God gets the glory and honours our trying. Again I say that generally because somethings are destructive. Ok, lemme give you an example… I was sick right. We prayed and I got better straight away. I say God healed me. Other’s say it’s the power of the mind. I’m quite content to just believe God healed me. End of discussion. The bible says he can heal and even if it defies all logic it doesn’t matter to me. I too often wonder was I really sick or did my brain just somehow think I was but you know what, I don’t need to understand HOW I was healed. I just was. Right after I prayed.

Getting back on track… I just wanna encourage people to trust God with that 1% of whatever it is that stops you from radically living life with him; and to flame flames of passionate 1% hope in Him.


The Dance…

Hey!

Ok this is totally random but some girls have their like whole wedding planned out right? Well, I’m not really one of those girls… I change my mind with the seasons haha… but I do often think about the first dance when I think about weddings. There’s something so meaningful, special and just so blinkin such a massive deal… I could ramble on for ages why that is but I’ll skip it… The first dance is something I really look forward too… and I hope I get that opportunity one day haha. The first dance and the last dance with the father. I’ve never danced with dad on a dance floor before. Not like that anyways. But again that’ll be so special to me because, he’s my dad. And I’ll always be his little girl that would bounce in her chair in his office or fall asleep on his chest… I know dad will give me away and I will join my to be husband at the altar but… there’s something about the dance that will mean so much to me for both those key guys in my life. Dad has been central in walking my life with me, and so will this guy… and I guess a dance is just that, togetherness…  *Sighs*… I know it’s so random to be talking about this… but, I’ve just been thinking about Mike and all that is not because he died. All the shattered dreams… and I just really hope I get to experience those two dances one day.


Why Facebook is the Greatest…

Hey!

Ok… I just have to share with you the kinds of conversations I have with people HAHA…

Facebook Chat

Me: Heyyyy, I miss you. I was looking at Tennstreet videos tonight and been thinking of you 🙂
Friend: AKII! I’ve just read your last 3 blogs haha. They are freaking hilarious! Hhahaha, I miss you!
Me: Awww, you liked them?
Friend: I DO!!!!! You are so cool Akila 🙂
Me: Really?
Friend: I seriously miss you. Like a whole bunch!
Me: Awwww, thanks! 😀 I miss you a lot too. My hearts been kinda sad lately
Friend: Me too 😦:(
Me: So it’s really cool you just said that 🙂:)
Friend: Haha, YAY! Seriously, I adore you so much. I really want you to come and live in my closet. Maybe I’ll even let you out sometimes. You can cuddle with my wedding dress… it takes up half the closet 😛
Me:  Awwww 😀:D Thank you…. I love you heaps and heaps and I’m so excited to hang out with you soon 🙂
Friend: hahahahahahahaha, I would like that 🙂
Me: Hahahahahahahaha, I heart this coversation…
Friend: Oh, you heart it, do you? Hmmm… hahahahahah. Heart me!!
Me: Hahahahah, I do I do!!
 
Awwww… people like this make me HAPPY 😀
 
Facebook Wall
  
Sarah: I too like cats ears!! Hahaha 🙂
Me: I CANNOT like this more hahahahah that’s awesome!!! 😀 xx
Chris: *smile nod back away slowly*
Me: Lol lol lol!!! You miss out Chris, tell Jess to rub your ears and you’ll like it hahahah
Sarah: They’re soft, flexible and just amazing to look at! It’s weird/adorable how you can see light and veins through the skin and fur!! 🙂
Me: And they’re COLD hahahah… most of the time anyways 😛 I know!!! And cats like you playing with their ears too 😉
Chris: You live in England… everything is cold! 😛
Me: Hahaha… ok… their ears are FREEZING and no, it’s not animal cruelty… but Chris… it’s so nice and ah such a good feeling when you kiss their ears lol!! … I find it amusing I’m up at 2.08am talking about cats ears lol.
Chris: Amusing… sad… kinda the same I guess 😛
Sarah: I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!!!! I miss my cat 😦 😦 she still lives in Perth 😦
Me: Awwwww… cant you take her back with you??? and Chris, I could say the same about the mini!! 😉
Chris: Boots was evil… she has sharp claws! I don’t kiss the mini though thats just weird
Me: I actually lol-ed haha. Suddenly got this image of you bent over kissing the bonnet lol!! Was amusing 😛 Hmmmm boots was evil i suppose… but not my cat. he’s fat and black and fluffy and LAZY as… BUT HE’S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FRIENDLY… and his ears are yummy! 😛
Chris: I will gladly wash the mini… but not kiss it… or nibble on its side mirrors… so u have demon fat cat?
Me: Lol!!! nope!!! he’s awesome… chris, i dare you to kiss the mini’s ears…
Chris: Mmmm na im good 😛
Sarah: My boots cat isn’t evil!!! She is the best! And about 18 years old now. Moving her would be stressful! Although she acts like a kitten most of the time! Haha. You would so kiss your mini!
Chris: Boots always scratched me… therefor evil 😛 na i still think kissing the mini would be weird :S
Me: Oooooo THAT Boots… I thought you ment the cat in boots… like shrek!! LOL… gosh, thats embarrassing hahah 😛 Awwww bless her. My cat turns 12 this easter!!! yey!!! dad’s counting down the years til it dies 😦 lol! so mean! chris… KISS THE MINI KISS THE MINI KISS THE MINI KISS THE MINI!!!… and take a photo 😛
Chris: What will you give me if i do kiss the mini?
Sarah: Haha.she’s ginger with white feet, so my dad named her boots 🙂 Aww boo to your dad! I wish cats lived forever! Our previous was 20 and a half when we had to put her down 😦 we thunk there is something in our water as they’ve both lived long…er then average! 🙂
Me: A cat?? With ears!! hahaha
Chris: ‎*face palm*
Me: Lol!!!!! i’m liking this conversation very much hahah… chris, the very fact that you asked what i’d give you if you did it indicates you WOULD kiss the mini’s ears… THEREFORE…. just do it 😛 😉
Chris: There needs to be some form of compensation… 😛
Me: Fine… get Jess to kiss your ears in return!
Chris: No deal 😛
Me: You are SUCH a pansy
Chris: You are SUCH a pommy… so nur!
Sarah: Bahaha. Do it then u can get the pic blown up and framed!!
Me: That would work if i actually was a pom.
 
HAHAHAHAH…. the conversations that keep me awake until all hours of the night!! 😛

Crap & Tumblr

Oops, it’s 5.32am… creating a tumblr website at 3am was a bad idea haha. HOWEVER. I have a new website where you can find random comments, videos and pictures. I’m going to still keep this website for actual blogs. So you can now find my other website at http://randomthoughtsofagrowingmind.tumblr.com/ 😀 Hope you like!!! 😀


Question…

Don’t you ever wonder if a boy has ever truly saw you and thought, “Wow, she’s beautiful.”

Yep… I have and really do wonder that…


The Reality of Dating in 21st Century

I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman, “If you miss me. you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.”

I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, emailing, and social networking, I started wondering, are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch?

It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. “Hello?” Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then.

Now we exchange numbers but text instead of calling because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. “It was NICE meeting u.” Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: “He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?” Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear to care, but not to much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged.

Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what’s it really good for?

There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it’s safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that’s not male behavior, I don’t know what is. It’s also great for passing notes. there is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover’s car.

Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. in some ways, it’s no different than sending flowers to the office: You are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn’t like to be publicly adored. Just remember that what you post is out there and there’s some stuff you can’t un-see.

But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal and deliberate means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most important, it’s flawed.

There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, “This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

Ashton Kutcher


Standing in the Rain…

She stood, standing in the rain. Not particularly waiting. Not even going. Just standing, with her head bent and her heart heavy. Barely seeing anything before her, she stands. A stance that’s of neither relief, hope or despair. Facing a single cobbled stream she stood. A gentle river that was once a street. The path only one lone man chose to presently walk. To her his is an unknown journey. Yet she continues to stand. Her head still bent and no other life to be seen. She just stood, in the falling rain. Everything around so grey and dim. Only to be contrasted by the surrounding black buildings. Staring at her shoes she could no longer see the ground beneath her. The rain simply blended all it touched. Cold hands hidden deep in her coat. Long hair mattered around her face. A neck of fragile skin soaked by the rain drops. She stood. Staring. Staring at the ground beneath her. Numbed by the rain, numbed by her thoughts, numbed by the world. The only glimmer of life within her was a heavy heart of pain and sorrow. From her lips a whispered prayer. A prayer drowned by the rain. And so she stood, standing in the rain. Her head still bent. And a heart still heavy…

 


Day of Bad Smells

Hey,

So today was the day of smells. I was walking along the street and the smell of dog poo was intense. I was sure I’d walked in something but nope… I hadn’t. Only the smell wouldn’t leave me! Thought I’d just try breathing through my mouth… that would have worked. Only I walked past a cute guy. So there I was. Dog-poo-smelling-fish-outta-water-face…. AWESOME image. Also, today I was in the loft… and this other smell wouldn’t leave me. It was kinda like that smell where you’re not sure if it’s BO or some disgusting-gone off-fruity something. It definitely wasn’t me either. So I’m not sure why I could smell it everywhere I went. Maybe my sense of smell is up the creek. My deodorant smelt like mosquito repellent today… That should have been the first clue hahaha.

I miss the ship. I’ll be in Australia when it goes there. That’ll be pretty awesome. Hmmm might have a chat to dad about that. I gotta pretty cool email today from someone which made me miss the ship too. Yep, I reckon I’ll go back one day. I love it too much haha. *Sighs* That reminds me… I gotta send some emails. The loft is going well. Should be done soon. Oh and I also made a jewelry bag last night… I decided to buy them instead as I’d have to make like 70 of them and I don’t have the time. 50 were only £7 anyways… just hope they’d arrive soon!! 😛


Why Hello?!

Hey!

Ah how funny… it’s been a long time since I last entertained one of my loves… design. I prefer drawing clothes but tonight I’m working on drawing cute but cheap and very easy to make jewelry cases. Think I’m gonna sew up jewelry bags rather than make them out of card board. I’ve quite a bit of material that I can use. Hmmmm this should be interesting!


More Freaky Trivia Bout Moi…

Hey!

Ok, so following on from the random trivia I shared earlier… I thought I’d share some more! This blog IS after all about me and the random thoughts in my brain haha.

Firstly, I like ears. I *heart* them in fact. I know… it’s so weird right? But I like playing with people’s ears because they’re so soft and smooth and cold!! It’s the same kinda satisfaction you get when you find the cold bit on your pillow at night! Anyways people thought I was really weird, so I told them to give me a trial… and they loved it hahahahah. They thought it was so relaxing and even almost put a few of them to sleep 😛 I don’t know why or how I discovered this… but I did. And Laura doesn’t let me anywhere near hers… so I’m stuck with kissing the cat’s ears HAHA… yea I’m weird I know 😛

Also, when I’m dating a guy I love driving with him and playing with his hair. I know… I probably distract them a lot HAHA! Oops, but just the hair at base of their head. It’s kinda like giving a very limited Indian head massage hahaha… Hmmmm… I’m actually a really touchy feely person but I’m not a massive fan of being at the receiving end… Hmmm as I’m writing this I’m thinking “Yea Aki you’re a freak, you can’t deny that!”

But on a different note… I actually have no idea where all these thoughts came from today… I was cleaning the loft again and watching friends and neither had anything to do with what I’m writing about now?! Anyways the other thing that came to mind is… ALL my significant relationships seem to happen in the summer. Now, I wasn’t so sure if that was just me or if that’s the same for others but I decided to see what google said about that. It hasn’t given me the answers I was looking for but it did seem to agree more people enter into a relationship during the summer rather than the winter. The simple reason being “Summer is for Fun” it says. Everyone’s out and about and you’re more likely to meet someone you like. Also, everyone looks more attractive is what it says. How superficial. But true I suppose. “Winter is for commitment” is what google also says. Everyone wants someone for Christmas, New Years and Valentines… then somewhere after Valentines people break it off… INTERESTING… I didn’t really learn much from that… but I do find the deeper psychology of dating and the weather seasons quite interesting… I wonder if there’s a decent book on it to read?

I introduced mum to “The Big Bang Theory“… she keeps laughing when it’s on… I think that’s a good sign. She doesn’t usually approve of my tv choices. Namely “Friends” haha. The loft is going well. It’s so cold at the moment weather wise so I don’t really like being up there. Plus I saw an actual MASSIVE spider and I’m scared one will crawl up my back! So the loft is kinda almost done…I have a bit more to do and I have a week before I start my computer course so I want the loft done by then.

Been driving a little bit the past few days too. Going good. Need to work on the maneuvers. Hmmmm I wanna work with crime one day. I enjoy it… the puzzle of who did what where when how and why… but I’m not sure in what area of work… Hmmm this IS a random blog… time for pizza. Toodles peps!


The Tea Obsession & Others…

Hey!

So, here’s some trivia about me. I try to drink healthy fluids but I’m not a massive fan of drinking plain water unless it’s with a meal or a really hot day. So I drink a lot of herbal apple tea and normal British tea. HOWEVER… I have the worst habit. I’ll make a cup of tea and forget I made a drink. So before I know it I’m walking my undrunk tea to the microwave and reheating it. Dad kills me multiple times a day when he walks around the house picking up my undrunk tea haha. Ok that’s a lie… he doesn’t really walk around the house… the left over cups are usually in my room. Oops 😛

Also… at university I deliberately didn’t buy crisps. They’re my weakness. Actually potato of any kind is haha. At home it’s so hard not to dive into the crisp box and eat a bag a day!! I suppose it’s not too bad. Each bag is like 1g of saturated fat and less than 5g of sugar… but still… So to make me feel better, everytime I find myself digging into the crisp box instead of eating them I stash the bag in my “goodie box” in my room. That’s the only way I’ve discovered to work… by having a goodie box I no longer feel deprived of my crisp intake but I don’t actually have to eat them until a rainy day! I also have Wagon Wheels, chocolate and mini cookies stashed in the box at the moment hahahahah. I’m so weird. But I’ve had a “goodie box” for years. When I was little every Easter I’d stash all my chocolate eggs and savor them over the coming weeks. Laura and Mike’s eggs lasted a day 😛

I love cooking. I really wish I could cook more often. It’d be great to have the money to buy all the ingredients for these amazing recipes. Once I walked around this department store looking at all the kitchen appliances and equipment. I’d love a house on the beach one day… with the kitchen as the centre of the house and massive windows that look out at the sunrises or sunsets… ahhhh that’d be SO cool. But if there was to be a tsunami then maybe a house on the hills would be better. You know what, there’s no safe place to live. But that’s the dream anyways haha. Oooooooo a little like this!!

Awww haha, I don’t really care where I live… I just like to dream. I’m not very creative… like I’m pants at drawing and stuff, but in my imagination I have no limitations! It’s great! So dreaming is my only outlet 😀 People find my dreams intimidating… but they misunderstand me. Sure we would all love to see our dreams come true but I’m also aware of what’s realistic. Having said that, I’m not going to stop dreaming either 😀 A cute little cottage in the country also would be super cool. I’m trying to get a bunch of my girlfriends to move in with me in a super cute girls house… can you imagine?! Sure it’d be PMS 24 hours a day 7 days a week but it’d still be so cool!! Imagine the decorations and room styles! Ahhhh so cooool! 😀 We’d have midnight chats all the time too!! Maybe I’ll even learn to drink my tea whilst it’s still hot haha 😛

Okies well this is a random blog now… gonna leave it here for now 😀


With Meaning…

Hey!

I wonder what it would feel like to be weightless? I wonder what it would take for me to feel like that... I suppose a better question would be "What is weightless?"

The two words that seem to make things less complex... for a moment.

I had over 80 pairs of shoes once... Insane!

It's true... as always.

Story for most of us! However it's pretty cool when you and somone else think outside the box... that's where history is created.

I couldn't agree with this more... I really wish I was flying right now...

Australia... the land I'm radically leaving home for... I feel like Captain Cook...

The one word that my life centres around... It breaks my heart when others don't believe. Believe in me, themselves, the future, God, hope, grace...

I would LOVE it if someone wrote me a song one day... a song just for me. That'd be pretty special...

People with balls live life to the full... that's just a fact. Like it or leave it. But also, I think it makes people more attractive, it shows character, passion, drive, energy, faith...

So true... I can't wait to have my own home one day so I can fill it with memories and stories...


The Best Tea Party EVER…


Dreams…

Hey!

Asleep you don’t feel pain, or hunger, or loneliness, or bitterness. In sleep you can drown in a false euphoria, and when you awaken, you just don’t care about anything.” – Flowers in the Attic

I would usually agree with this, but last night I had a dream and when I forced myself awake I physically couldn’t move. It wasn’t a scary dream… so it wasn’t that I was frightened and couldn’t move. It was literally I could not get my brain to command my arms or legs to move. Oh, I was DEFINITELY awake… but I wasn’t scared about not being able to move. My body does strange things. Sometimes my right eye loses sight completely when I’m in the dark. I’ve noticed this happening three times since Sept 2008… So after discovering I couldn’t move last night, I just decided to go back to sleep.

In the past 2 weeks I’ve had 2 dreams that involved writing. Both times I saw what the writing said, both times I knew it was important that I remembered… and both times I even forced myself to wake up and write what I saw down. But I was too lazy to actually get outta bed at like 4am… so I just go back to sleep and forget what was written. I’m gonna start sleeping with a torch, notepad and pen under my pillow. From what I remember of the first dream… I THINK the words were, “God has heard. Wait for the roses.” But I’m not 100% sure. It was one line and three parts. Those were the only two I could remember… there was another short message between those two… Have no idea what it means if those were the words I saw… MAYBE they’re meant for someone else and maybe they make sence to someone else. *Sighs*… who knows. But the third part of the sentence was definitely “wait for the roses.” I remember that much….

Ok, I’m off to bed, wonder what I’ll dream tonight!


Random Midnight Conversations with Myself…

Hey!

This was my thought process today

1.45pm – “Hmmm, maybe I’ll have a Mocha. Will prob pay the price for it though…”

4pm – “Yeah that Mocha was a bad idea, Hello migraine…”

4.30pm – “Oooo the fresh air helps…”

5.20pm – “I feel sick… maybe I need to eat something…”

6pm – “This migraine is getting worse and the smell of food isn’t helping…”

6.45pm – “Maybe I’ll go lie down…”

7pm – “Oh crap I dozed off. Maybe I’ll get into my pjs and sleep this migraine off…”

During a long and fitful sleep – “Don’t open your eyes, keep sleeping otherwise you’ll wake up and pay the price…”

When it felt like morning – “Oh crap it’s only 10.30pm you gotta be kidding me…”

Walked around the house feeling lost because everyone was in bed but discovered the migraine was gone.

10.36pm – “Hmmmm maybe I’ll go on facebook…”

10.37pm – “Notifications done… maybe I’ll go through my facebook emails and reply to all the ones I haven’t replied to…”

3 something am – “Hmmmm I’ve written 49 emails since 10.37pm, 23 to the same person and I have 388 emails to go… I need a break.”

1 minute after that – “I’m hungry.”

30 second later – “I’m REALLY hungry!”

5 seconds after that – “FOOD RAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Walked into the kitchen – “It’s 3.20am… Surely it’s not healthy to eat now?? Ah well it’s past midnight, it’s a new day… I’m allowed 20g of fat and something g of carbs… I’m fine.”

Spent 30 seconds staring at food before deciding on a bag of crisps… cos they were a healthy option belive it or not.

Walked into my room – “Hmmmm, where are the Haribos… sweet and crisps can be my breakfast.”

Found the Haribos and heard a loud rumbling – “Oooooo I wonder if it’s an earthquake!! Oh no, it’s not, just a truck going past.”

Heard the noise again – “Wow for 3 something in the morning the road is busy…. maybe it really is an earthquake. Nope… nothing moving in my room. Definately not an earthquake.”

After that – “Hmmm maybe I’ll blog about this…”

3.38am – “Oops I ate a lot of Haribos… I’m kinda getting sleepy now…”

3.41am – “Maybe I’ll doze off whilst watching Friends”

3.47am – “Right now, there’s so much rumbling… I’m gonna check facebook to see if we’re having an earthquake.”

3.49am – “Nope, no mention of earthquake on facebook… nothing on Sky News either. I wonder if people think I’m taking the piss about this in light of what’s one on in NZ and Japan? DEFINATELY not taking the piss. With what’s going on around the world I’m waiting for something to happen in England! We already had 2 earthquakes in the last 3 months here…”

3.51am – “Oh no… gotta stop eating Haribos.”

3.52am – “Goodnight Blog.”