So the past few days I’ve been working on making, wrapping and organising a whole bunch of things… here’s some pictures of what I’ve done. Unfortunately I had loads more things I’ve done but no photos yet… Anyways… this has been totally back-breaking work but so much fun! 😀
So I wrote a letter to God last night… I wrote stuff that could never go on my blog because people would literally kill me for writing it. But in amongst it all I asked a lot of “Why?” questions. Not actually so much as an expression to know the answers but as an expression of frustration in order to keep moving forward. Today, I think God reminded me of a few things.
Firstly, I love people. I love people I love people I love people. I love walking lifw with people, creating moments and having fun. I love being the shoulder to lean on and the one to make someone smile. It’s such a joy and privledge to be in people’s lives like that. Secondly, I don’t need to worry about whether I’m liked or not… cos I have a whole bunch of friends who think I’m the bees knees, want me in their lives and are willing to help me grow. Please note that wasn’t said in arrogance but relief. Relief that it’s not just God who thinks good things about me but others do too. And they’re willing to sit on facebook for hours and write encouraging messages to me. Thirdly, God showed me three verses.
John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give you as the world gives. Do not be trouble and do not be afraid.” My future, money, driver’s license, job, security, let down by people… God knows my fears and hurts, he sees them, he’s seen past them… and he’s seen me finish the race. And He’s still telling me not to worry. That’s gotta be a good sign in itself right? I need to keep focused on Him…I need to put one foot in front of the other and just trust him.
Just incase I didn’ get the message… the next verse I stumbled across was Matthew 6:26, “Look at the birds in the skies; they do not sow or reap or store away in their barns and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.” I always took that verse to meet in the literal sense. Which I still do… but tonight God was reminding me that actually, I don’t need to try and make things happen. With anything in my life. It just will. Of course I need to put effort in but it’s coming to the real understanding of what’s in my power, what’s my responsibility and trusting God with His power. As I write this it’s hard not to feel a strong rise of emotion in my heart. I kept saying it but somehow I’ve forgotten what I preached, “This is not my battle. It’s God’s.” There’s such a release in knowing that. A release to not fear but to enjoy. A release to trust and have faith. Again.. this is all what I was writing to God last night…
Finally, Psalm 19:1, “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the wor of His Hands.” I’ve really been lacking direction and vision with my future. This verse doesn’t give me a three point process and a 10 year plan which I’d quite like! But it does again reconvict me that the blue print of my life is to tell people about God. To tell them my story. To tell them of Hope, Love, Grace and Peace.
With this knowledge and the words from God regarding the previous two verses. The three point process and 10 year plan IS there. God has it all mapped out already. So to sum it up. God told me to … Stop Worrying. Keep Trusting. He WILL meet EVERY need I have. And He WILL reveal All.
There’s some of what I wrote last night that I CAN share…. Sorry if it doesn’t make a lot of sense. I had to remove most of what I wrote and instead fill the gaps with “…”
Why do I not have answers yet? Why do people not communicate? Why do people make me waste so much time and energy by not communicating with me?… How come YOU’RE not communicating the way I need?… Why do I not have a job? Why am I not excited?… Why do I not feel direction. Why do I not have money? Especially when I need it to get my driver’s provisional? Why am I where I am in life?… I feel so tormented with questions… God I don’t feel broken, I don’t feel lost even… nor do I actually feel desperate. It’s just I want to let go of stuff. And I’m trying to give it to you again right now but I need to be honest with you in order to do that. Again, like many times before. Cos it’s all getting too much. I don’t really need to have answers God… I just need to vent to you and ask the questions for my own sake. God why do you take Mike? I’m not angry with you on this. Just my throat closes, my chest tightens and my eyes pour with tears. Why? What outcome did you have planned for his death? God I wish I could talk to someone about all this. But at the same time I really don’t. I’m tired of making myself vulnerable and being let down by others. All the time… God where’s the beauty in all of this? What do I need to do to see it? Cos I’ll keep forgiving, I’ll keep being vulnerable, I’ll keep saying sorry, I’ll keep working on me as a whole, I’ll do it all… But please… please please please send me a sign, send me a break through. Send me something that could only be of you and please help me. I choose to do it all and have/will continue to take the many valuable lessons learnt from all this but you gotta help me. Your strength God. Your understanding and your grace. Please take away this anger and give me the peace of your Holy Spirit. Forgive me for not trusting you more with all of this, and for not being great at communicating myself with you. I have so much I need to do as a person and in life right now and God I really can’t do it all… I really can only concentrate on one day at a time. Since Mike died I’ve really only been able to take it one day at a time… still sometimes one hour at a time. Not because of his death and grief anymore but because you God are literally the only one who can guide my life. And people, including myself, keep giving me a hard time about this. “You should know where you’re future lies Akila.” “You have a head Akila.” Words like that don’t help me God, they just cast doubt and fear my way. God I really need to know what you want me to do… and I know in time you will show me but I’m just letting you know I’d really like to know. So if I gotta do some stuff or think through some stuff or deal with some stuff or whatever then please lead me to that place. Just reveal things to me God. Cos I really wanna know your heart and ways. Your plan for me and for those around me. God I’m sorry for being angry… but please also know I’m trying to be real with you here. Tonight, I’m not ok with these things. And I need to tell you that.
Oh my word guess what… how cool is THIS!!!
I logged onto my blog and it shows me what search engines referred my blog for the day and what was typed to find my blog. Someone typed something into google… which I wont repeat on here fully but included the phrase “xxx“. I was thinking “Errrrrrrrrrr what the heck is on my blog to be associated to that phrase.” So I typed the full phrase into google myself to find out what was on my blog to be associated to it and guess what came up!??!!? My post on “There is Hope” !!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone was trying to access something porn related and they got me instead!! And a post about how guys are not all jerks… Of all things to stumble across when trying to access porn!!! If it was a girl I hope it gave her hope and if it was a boy I hope my little lecture spoke to him. Either way isn’t that cool that God would use my random thoughts to lead someone to my blog on google.
You know what’s also so cool… I’ve wanted to talk to large groups of people. Mainly motivational speaking… But I’ve always wanted to speak to large groups about life, God and random stuff that’s relevant to helping people grow or walk life with one another… And my blog gives me a platform to do that. Going back to the comments people have made about them not being able to blog and be as open as me about my life… sure having a blog comes with a price. I make myself vulnerable and I hate that feeling. But… without a blog I wouldn’t be able to share so much with people. I couldn’t be as honest as I wanna be. I couldn’t speak to large groups of people. And you would miss out on watching God in my life.
Yesterday night I wrote a blog in desperation called “A Secret” and hours later God shows me something that lead me to writing “There is Hope“. So often I forget all the things God HAS done in my life because it’s not recorded somewhere. So all in all… I’m glad I have a blog. I’m glad I can share stuff with you all… it helps me. And I really hope God continues to use it 🙂
Also… I finished the loft about 30 min ago :D! Woop Woop! 27 boxes packed; hit my head close on 50 times; lost 6 nails; covered in bruises, have the lungs of a chimney… but there’s nothing like the satisfaction of finishing a project! 😀 Now to drink a cuppa tea, clean my room, sort a few bits and pieces out and then write a paper on my vision for the next 5 years… hmmm SHOULD be interesting! 😛
♫ So dance, dance, like it’s the last, last night of your life, life; Gonna get you right; Cause baby tonight, the DJ got us falling in love again… ♫
Lately, I’ve been feeling like “guys are jerks“. I’m hearing too many stories of boys being boys. One of my girls has a guy ignoring her; another told a guy she likes him only to be shot down quite harshly; the father of one of my girl’s babies wont support her the way she desires… the list is endless.
Sometimes my girls and I wonder if boys even have feelings. It does help to understand the way a guy processes things and it does help to understand guys and the psychology of behaviour… But all we really want is to be worth something to someone. When we fall for someone, make ourselves vulnerable for someone, give up so much for someone, have children with someone… and the guy pushes us away… it literally kills us. It’s like our chest is physically crushing our hearts and the psychological darkness and grief that comes with it all… for us the relationship process is more often than not like a grief processes. And we’re crying out for something real, lasting and authentic with a guy. We have so much to give and we just want someone to love us back.
In the past 20 hours alone I’ve come across two things that have given me hope about guys.
Firstly, I met up with Alice yesterday and we ended up in town in a clothes shop that a mutual guy friend worked in. I’ve known Andy for 18 years and Alice for 14 years. Growing up Andy use to live next door to me and Alice lived about a 5 minute walk away. Somehow us three and another guy use to hang out all the time, especially in year three and four. We would have been about 7/8 years old. Anyways, Chris was my first valentine and Andy was Alice’s. Well, we discovered from Andy that he and Chris made an event of picking out the valentine’s cards together. I was surprised they bought them, I thought Chris’s mum picked it out. What 7 year old buys a card?! I was quite pleased to find that out haha. But here’s what struck me…
Andy: You were my first girlfriend.
Alice: Yea same and you were my first valentine, I remember you wrote …. in the card.
Andy: Yea I remember that card, I kept the card you gave me… still have it now.
14 years later, here we are grown men and women and somehow our childhood antics stuck with us. It was really encouraging for me to hear Andy still has his card. That somehow it ment something to him all the years later and inspite of all the other cards from the ladies in his life. It sounds silly, but it gave me hope that guys do have feelings, they do keep things that mean something, they still cherish and even protect items of memories that mean something. They just don’t talk about it the same way girls do and will often wait SIGNIFICANT periods of time before sharing that. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s what I took from it.
Secondly, and even to back up with first realisation of hope. I had a best friend… he still means a lot to me now. We lived life together super close and he really seemed to care about me a lot. When I was sick in hospital he came to visit me multiple times, he sought my advice on clothes, he would take me on walks, we would sit in a bar and laugh ourselves silly, we’d meet each other for lunch… EVERYTHING. Until he found a girl friend and completely pushed me out his life. Pretty much from he day he started dating her. It broke my heart. Literally. I cried for 3 days straight. To me friendship are treasures and I thought our friendship ment something. I’d known him for a few years and I thought it was REAL our friendship. Yet a chick comes and he not only drops everything with me but just cuts me out. To me you just don’t do that, a best friend is a best friend. Yet he made me feel so unworthy on so many levels… another notch on the belt for not trusting guys. But this morning I received the following email from him…
“You are a friend that I let go for the wrong reasons. I hope you are well and miss your friendship so much. Besides the confusing times it was wicked to know you… 🙂 much love xxx”
This friend and I actually skyped 5 months after he cut me out his life and we talked. He already acknowledged he hurt me and made mistakes. But, the whole thing really has kinda haunted me for the past 2 and a half years. Then to get that email. That’s all it said. Nothing more nothing less. That’s it.
Guys do process. It may be in boxes and they may compartmentalized. But it does catch up on them so to speak. I still think about this guy often and pray for him. I’m encouraged to know girls that guys do think things through, they do realises their mistakes and they do feel bad for things… eventually haha. But at least we don’t have to walk around thinking “does he miss me“, “does he care“, “what’s even thinking” etc… The point is, he will miss you, he will care and he will think… maybe not straight away. Most likely not at the time… but he’ll realise what he had with you and be sad you’re not in his life in the same way you once were. Maybe not in a “lets get back together” kinda way. But you can have peace ladies that he will in his own way go through the process too.
I think girls we can process things about a guy in-depth whilst also thinking about our school work, the party coming up, what we’re going to do about the shoe with a hole in it, reminding ourselves to buy shampoo, what gift to buy our nan for her 90th birthday, what’s on tv tonight, whether to cook bake beans or a roast for dinner… and a million other things all at the same time. And I think guys are more like a check list. They’ve thought about one thing they cross it off and go onto the next thing. I could be wrong. But that’s kinda my conclusion. Plus they’re not the best at looking at things from multiple perspectives. So when they get an idea in their mind they go with that. That’s why they’ll often come back to things and realise they miss you, that it was great you being in their lives, and what a mistake it was to behave the way they did… Again could be wrong. But just going on my experience and observations 🙂
Girls, don’t take what I say as a sign to hold on to a guy. By the time they realise things it could be years and believe me, just focus on God and if its right then He’ll reunite you both in someway. You can have full faith in that. But in the mean time I just wanna give you hope… Girls you do have an impact on the guys around you and they still care about you. Just like Andy and his card. You’ll say things, challenge them, laugh with them… and they will remember a lot more about you than you think. But be you, you don’t need to act “better” than you are around them… or in a certain way. Just be real because they already see that in you. It’s not hopeless after all when it comes to guys 🙂
So many times I find myself typing all the things I can’t say to someone or about life. Sometimes I hit save… sometimes I highlight it all and press “delete”. So much I want to say… so much you don’t know. It’s hard to not blame others for my being in some of these positions. Sometimes the situations make me angry, other times I feel so tortured. But mostly all I bloody want is for God or someone to release me from it all. This not being able to express myself is an absolute killer… it’s really really getting to me. Along with not knowing how to respond to these different things. So much pressure, so much uncertainty. And all I can do is keep laying it down before God… if only he’d make things clear and give me the feelings I so desire… cos I’m getting real tired of the tears.