I wonder if they celebrate birthday’s in Heaven? I know you’re definitely celebrating today… Auntie Mavis passed away last night. She fell last week and was taken into hospital on Sunday where she was diagnosed with cancer. I find it somewhat ironic that she joined you all in Heaven on your birthday… but it’s really comforting as I have a really awesome vision of you both being reunited. Man, she must be so excited to see Grandad and Uncle Jim… bless her. Death is such a funny thing Mike… you cry with sadness that they’re gone yet at the same time have all these amazing visions and intense peace of where they are today. I am gutted I didn’t get to see her one last time… and that I wont be here for the funeral as I’ll be in America… but I know God can see what I’m writing so I’m asking him to ask you to give Auntie Mavis a massive hug and tell her I’ll miss her. Or God can just tell her himself haha. I really hope you have an amazing time with her… and I’m really happy for her that she’s now Home…
Today you were suppose to turn 20. It’s hard to know how to celebrate the day you were born without you… but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s exactly that. A celebration of the day you were born. There’s no rule against me doing that. Just because you’ve gone on a head doesn’t mean I can’t show my thankfulness that you were apart of my life for 18 years, 6 months, 1 week and 6 days. But when I do think of you… it’s so hard. Still. I miss you so much.
Since the 1st of August 2010, the 1 year anniversary of your death I’ve limited how much I talk about you to others. I value you so much and my thoughts/emotions towards you are so precious and significant that I’ve come to realise absolutely no one can respond to them to the same level. It’s no ones fault… but hearing the words “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say” over and over again just sounds so flippant. I know people don’t have a flippant attitude… but it brings so much hurt anyways. I started to feel like that’s all I ever did… talk about you… and I felt like people were getting sick of it. So I just stopped talking about you. But it’s been so hard Mike, cos it’s meant I’ve had to stop thinking about you. I couldn’t think about you and not talk about it… it was just too much. I’ve been feeling pretty guilty for this Mike.
I’ve been feeling guilty over a number of things that I just can’t seem to let go. Mike when we were little you and Laura would always get me really angry. One time I asked you to help me with the dishes… I couldn’t have been older than 12 years old, which would have made you about 10… and you wouldn’t do it. Yet again you wouldn’t help me like mum asked. You locked yourself in the bathroom and I screamed the place down at how spoilt you were acting. Finally I managed to get you to open the door and you were in tears saying you had to get this certain piece of homework done. You were so worried. You had a fucking shit time at school most days. Class mates bullied you, hit you, teachers misunderstood you, you got into trouble when it really wasn’t your fault… and now I was yelling at you. I was so shocked that you were so worried about your school work and so confused at why you didn’t just say “I need to do my homework”. I wouldn’t have been so bummed out over your “spoilt behaviour”. Mike I’m really sorry. I’m really sorry I got so angry with you. I’m sorry I was such a crap sister to you… I’m sorry for all the times I hit you, pinched you, kicked you and all the rest of it when we were little. I’m sorry I always did stuff with Laura and not really with you when we were older. I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time with you whilst you were still here… cos that’s all I want to do right now. I really miss you…
Mike the other thing I’ve found hard to let go is… I feel really selfish for sitting in the backseat behind mum when you and your 6 foot body should have been sitting there as you would have had more space. We never realised you were so tall and needed the extra space. You never asked either… That’s the bit that I get stuck on… you never said. Mike what else didn’t you say… what else didn’t you tell us? You never complained and always took the least space. It’s funny want you’ve left me with Mike by dying… the fact that I get completely reduced to tears when I think of these things. I just feel so bad for you… maybe you didn’t care and that’s why you never said… often I wonder if you were afraid to say something… like with the school work. Logic would be that you would speak up but Mike, you struggle to tell mum and dad you didn’t want to go to college anymore, you struggled to tell me you needed to do school work… what else did you struggle to tell us?
Did you struggle with things and felt you couldn’t tell us? Mike I don’t know how you died. But however you died I feel like I was such a bad sister that you didn’t wanna stay and I find it so hard not to feel guilty for that… even though I know it’s God who numbers our days. I just have so many thoughts and emotions that are not based on fact or logic or maybe even truth… but this is how I feel. This is why I stopped talking… it’s too sensitive to share with other people. I really don’t wanna hear someone say “You know that’s not true” when I share these things. It’s no use trying to address my thoughts like that because these are things that I need to be allowed to expressed and explored. I just don’t feel like I have that safe bubble. But I’m not sure what my safe bubble even looks like or who that would include. I just don’t have much faith in people… it’s not that no one’s offering so to speak. I dunno Mike.
Finally… the last thing that I’ve been finding hard to let go of is the fact that I didn’t get you a birthday present for your 18th. Like I said before I was, but then you went and got it… so I didn’t know what to get you… and didn’t get you anything. But now you’re gone I’m like “Great… fucked up that chance whilst I had it”. So now it’s your birthday today I find my thoughts in a bit of a jumble again… I guess all I have left is a knowledge of a lot of love towards you and thousands of tears. I used about a quarter roll of toilet paper writing this to you but I kinda feel like that’s all I can give you now… the storing of honest words, feelings and thoughts. I’m sure Dad’s gonna read this and want to talk to me about it haha… Go away dad this is between me and Mike!
Kelly and I went for a walk around Talkin Tarn last week. Watching her two year old boy reminded me so much of you… you without fail would end up filthy or socked everytime we went out as kids. No one could understand how you did it! It was like you’d be lifted from the car and would have it in your mind to just fall in a pond or pile of mud. It made me smile a lot thinking of you and how you would always do that.
Tonight I watched you playing Steve Vai… I really would have liked to have seen you play. I’ve been thinking about what you would have done if you were still here. You’d have finished Nexus last year… what would you have done these past 4 months as a “graduate”… would you be teaching? performing? Mike will I see you do what you dreamed of when I join you, leading worship? What are you doing in Heaven? Who are you hanging out with these days? I really wish I could see you and talk to you right now… If only Heaven had a phone, having said that I don’t think mum or dad would be happy with the phone bill. The family is gonna skype in the morning before Laura goes to school to thank God for your 18 years here, and 20 years in our lives… Laura and I are gonna go up to your grave and bring a Birthday Balloon. You always loved birthdays… and for my sake, it doesn’t feel right that there isn’t a balloon floating about dedicated to you. We’ll bring up the windmill again too. Laura and I are gonna have pizza for super. Cos you liked your pizza.
Anyways Mike… I better leave it as that for now. But I really do miss you and love you so much!
Mum came downstairs today and told me Uncle Bill called from Brisbane. “There’s been a really bad flash flood at Graham and Tracy’s.” Just the kinda news to make your heart skip a beat.
As many already know, Queensland has been experiencing some very heavy rainfall and this afternoon, local time, the rain caused a flash flood to come down the hills and pass through the valley. One area, known as Murphy’s Creek, is one of the places that got hit hard. Thankfully Tracy and two of the kids were in Toowoomba in town however, Graham and Nicky are currently stuck in the valley. On one hand it was good news that their house was only knee deep in water, but on the other, their next door neighbours were killed as the flash flood ripped the ground out from under the house and carried them, as well as the house, away.
Please pray for the mother who is alive but now grieving the loss of her home, husband and young daughter. Please pray for all those missing and who have died. Emergency services do not know the extent of the damage yet but some suggest approximately 30 people are missing and 8 have died, including children. Please pray for Graham and Nicky’s safety as emergency services are still finding it hard to reach the isolated area of the valley and the range. Please pray for all those who’s families have been broken and homes destroyed. Earlier this afternoon there were news reports of a 7 meter wall of water travelling through the areas, so basically an inland tsunami. Please pray God calms the storms and protects everyone from any more lives being taken.
Check out the link for a video from the news today. Note that there have been more deaths since this video was taken.
So I was supposed to get an early night on Saturday but I ended up chatting to people on Facebook, editing photos and writing emails. So I ended up getting outta bed at 1.45pm… oops. After a long shower I put a hair mask in, cooked a pop tart and walked around the house waiting for Laura to finish having her shower. Finally when everyone was showered Laura and I dyed Megan’s hair purple. Dad helped by pretending to pour Gin on her. That evening we had six people over for dinner. The new OM family that live down the road from us. When they left Megan and I stayed up watching, “My Sister’s Keeper“. It’s the same director of the “The Notebook“, but whether you liked the Notebook or not I would definitely recommend watching this movie. If you ever wanna understand more of the dynamics of sickness, death, loss, change and playing God in regards to messing around with creation… this is one to watch! But you have been warned, it’s a tear jerker!
Hmm, what have I been up to in the past few days. Well, Sunday evening I ended up going to the cinema to see “The Tourist“. It was alright! Unexpected twist which was good, and it was about time there was a decent film out that didn’t have any sex scenes! Having said that, common Angelina play something else! The spy/thief/cop role is getting boring! She’s such a great actress who is up for a good challenge… so expand the skill woman! Johnny Depp, yeah he put his spin on things to make something that isn’t funny to be funny… but his comedy is limited. This isn’t a movie to watch if you’re expecting full on laughs. “20 million dollars and you end up with a face like that…” was the highlight quote of the movie… and “oops, I spilt the popcorn” was the quote of the night from Tessa. There was about 15 of us that went. So that was my adventure for the day on Sunday.
Monday I spent mainly working on application forms. Josiah left early Monday morning and we had some friends come over in the evening which was nice; the meal was Monday’s adventure. Tuesday my adventure was going into town and powering through applications. I can’t really remember what I did on Tuesday. Wednesday Megan arrived for a couple days. I don’t really remember much of Wednesday either. However, I do remember Thursday. Megan, mum and I spent a good portion of the afternoon planning a birthday present for Laura the following day. However we made multiple calls to various places, kept forgetting our pre-arranged commitments and goodness knows what else. Thursday I was up until 4am… so really it was now Friday morning… working on a menu for Laura’s birthday meal with her friends the following weekend. I’m going to attempt to make a 10 course meal for about 10 people! I’m excited! Friday Laura, Megan and I went to a beauty salon. We didn’t tell Laura what we were up to and pulled her outta school 20minutes early. All we told her was we would show up in a taxi at 3pm and she had to be there waiting. Laura went for a wax treatments, I went for a predicure, and Megan went for both. Was pretty fun!
Last night we finished off wrapping Laura’s presants and I made the kitchen really nice for her. This morning (Saturday) Megan, dad and I cooked up a storm! The breakfast menu consisted of waffles, strawberries, raspberries, whipped cream, maple syrup, eggs, bacon, onions, tomatoes, toast, coffee, orange juice and champagne! It was yum! In-between food Laura opened her presents. One for her gifts was a driver’s provisional so everyone except mum went for a drive. Dad’s soooooooooo stressy! DON’T let him teach you how to drive! 😛 The rest of the day involved making a birthday ice cream cake, eating indian food, playing rook and watching “Matilda“.
So here’s something new to share. I’m heading over to America in 17 days to hang out with a good friend for two weeks. I’m heaps excited! I’ll get to hang out with Todd and Karen for a couple days then I’ll be going onto New York for a couple days. Seriously can’t wait! Between now and then I have a bunch of stuff I need to do… everything takes forever to do at the moment. But the aim is to get a bunch of these tasks done… on that note… I better write a list of these things down so it can act like a bit of a tick list.
Life is busy and to be honest I don’t really have a desire to blog at the moment. But I’ll try and keep posting more often 🙂
So, Josiah arrived on Christmas Eve and I think Laura peed herself with excitement. The evening was spent wrapping final presants, watching movies, eating food, chilling in the jacuzzi… I didn’t go in… I was too busy being Santa. I think I make a great Santa because Christmas day saw presants being opened over a period of 11 hours… with breaks. I think the family got fed up by 7pm 😛 Christmas night Laura, Josiah and I stayed up watching 3 different movies. “The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past“, “The Time Traveller’s Wife” and “Free Willy“. Between the 4 family members we got a total of 19 movies and the entire collection of “Friends“… which is 40 dvds long. Did I tell you we shop at “Pound Land” ???? 😛
Boxing Day onwards I have mainly been at home working on getting a job and other random projects. One morning we sat down as a family to discuss the “Michael Knight Trust“. We have some exciting projects coming up as well as in the process of building relationships with various people. I feel really torn. Right now I would love to solely work on the Michael Knight Trust however, I need a paying job. Subsequently I wont have time to concentrate on both “projects” which is actually really disappointing because the Michael Knight Trust is where my heart is.
Each year we go to MTO (Missionary Teens Only) camp and one evening about 20 of us got together ate an insane amount of food, played games, talked…. the next night, New Years Eve was spent back at the same house, with most of the young people from the night before, with more insane amounts of food… sadly for me I started to get a migraine… AGAIN… about an hours before midnight. Whilst Laura and Josiah slept over with the other young people I went home and vomited my guts up for three hours. However I did get to see the big New Year countdown in London live on TV. One day it’d be cool to see it in person!
For me my migraines are not stopped with over the counter medication and the only thing that works is to sleep for several hours. But the pain is so bad and I keep throwing up so I can’t sleep… eventually exhaustion takes over and I fall asleep. Well, NY’s eve it just wasn’t happening. After three hours it was reaching 3.20am and I thought to myself “God, this is RIDICULOUS! I have been getting migraines since I was 11 years old! I have spent more nights trying to get rid of a migraine than sleeping peacefully in the past 11 years. Why don’t you just HEAL ME.” I was getting pretty pissed off over it all and just wanted it to all go away. Well slowly but surely… the vomiting eased and stopped; and eventually the pain eased and stopped too. Never in 11 years has that happened.
My family and have never done New Year’s resolutions… studies have shown they have a negative effect on the person making the resolution. But one life characteristic I’d like to adapt is to make every day an adventure in one way or another. I tend to do that already but I wanna try and increase it. So yesterday’s adventures included being sick and booking a train ticket for an adventure coming up haha. Today I’m working on more job stuff and tonight I’m hoping to go to the cinema to see “The Tourist“…
The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how my blog blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary they sent me of my blog’s overall health:
The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is on fire!.
A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 8,900 times in 2010. That’s about 21 full 747s.
In 2010, there were 186 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 224 posts. There were 344 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 28mb. That’s about 7 pictures per week.
The busiest day of the year was April 13th with 182 views. The most popular post that day was Abuse!.
Where did they come from?
The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, dosserknight.wordpress.com, shots.snap.com, alphainventions.com, and michaelknighttrust.wordpress.com.
Some visitors came searching, mostly for finish line, akilaknight.com, kings park, akila knight, and against abuse.
Attractions in 2010
These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.
Abuse! October 2009
Sudden. April 2010
The Future… March 2010
Painful Honesty April 2010
The Psych of Women’s Minds October 2010