I wonder if they celebrate birthday’s in Heaven? I know you’re definitely celebrating today… Auntie Mavis passed away last night. She fell last week and was taken into hospital on Sunday where she was diagnosed with cancer. I find it somewhat ironic that she joined you all in Heaven on your birthday… but it’s really comforting as I have a really awesome vision of you both being reunited. Man, she must be so excited to see Grandad and Uncle Jim… bless her. Death is such a funny thing Mike… you cry with sadness that they’re gone yet at the same time have all these amazing visions and intense peace of where they are today. I am gutted I didn’t get to see her one last time… and that I wont be here for the funeral as I’ll be in America… but I know God can see what I’m writing so I’m asking him to ask you to give Auntie Mavis a massive hug and tell her I’ll miss her. Or God can just tell her himself haha. I really hope you have an amazing time with her… and I’m really happy for her that she’s now Home…
Today you were suppose to turn 20. It’s hard to know how to celebrate the day you were born without you… but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s exactly that. A celebration of the day you were born. There’s no rule against me doing that. Just because you’ve gone on a head doesn’t mean I can’t show my thankfulness that you were apart of my life for 18 years, 6 months, 1 week and 6 days. But when I do think of you… it’s so hard. Still. I miss you so much.
Since the 1st of August 2010, the 1 year anniversary of your death I’ve limited how much I talk about you to others. I value you so much and my thoughts/emotions towards you are so precious and significant that I’ve come to realise absolutely no one can respond to them to the same level. It’s no ones fault… but hearing the words “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say” over and over again just sounds so flippant. I know people don’t have a flippant attitude… but it brings so much hurt anyways. I started to feel like that’s all I ever did… talk about you… and I felt like people were getting sick of it. So I just stopped talking about you. But it’s been so hard Mike, cos it’s meant I’ve had to stop thinking about you. I couldn’t think about you and not talk about it… it was just too much. I’ve been feeling pretty guilty for this Mike.
I’ve been feeling guilty over a number of things that I just can’t seem to let go. Mike when we were little you and Laura would always get me really angry. One time I asked you to help me with the dishes… I couldn’t have been older than 12 years old, which would have made you about 10… and you wouldn’t do it. Yet again you wouldn’t help me like mum asked. You locked yourself in the bathroom and I screamed the place down at how spoilt you were acting. Finally I managed to get you to open the door and you were in tears saying you had to get this certain piece of homework done. You were so worried. You had a fucking shit time at school most days. Class mates bullied you, hit you, teachers misunderstood you, you got into trouble when it really wasn’t your fault… and now I was yelling at you. I was so shocked that you were so worried about your school work and so confused at why you didn’t just say “I need to do my homework”. I wouldn’t have been so bummed out over your “spoilt behaviour”. Mike I’m really sorry. I’m really sorry I got so angry with you. I’m sorry I was such a crap sister to you… I’m sorry for all the times I hit you, pinched you, kicked you and all the rest of it when we were little. I’m sorry I always did stuff with Laura and not really with you when we were older. I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time with you whilst you were still here… cos that’s all I want to do right now. I really miss you…
Mike the other thing I’ve found hard to let go is… I feel really selfish for sitting in the backseat behind mum when you and your 6 foot body should have been sitting there as you would have had more space. We never realised you were so tall and needed the extra space. You never asked either… That’s the bit that I get stuck on… you never said. Mike what else didn’t you say… what else didn’t you tell us? You never complained and always took the least space. It’s funny want you’ve left me with Mike by dying… the fact that I get completely reduced to tears when I think of these things. I just feel so bad for you… maybe you didn’t care and that’s why you never said… often I wonder if you were afraid to say something… like with the school work. Logic would be that you would speak up but Mike, you struggle to tell mum and dad you didn’t want to go to college anymore, you struggled to tell me you needed to do school work… what else did you struggle to tell us?
Did you struggle with things and felt you couldn’t tell us? Mike I don’t know how you died. But however you died I feel like I was such a bad sister that you didn’t wanna stay and I find it so hard not to feel guilty for that… even though I know it’s God who numbers our days. I just have so many thoughts and emotions that are not based on fact or logic or maybe even truth… but this is how I feel. This is why I stopped talking… it’s too sensitive to share with other people. I really don’t wanna hear someone say “You know that’s not true” when I share these things. It’s no use trying to address my thoughts like that because these are things that I need to be allowed to expressed and explored. I just don’t feel like I have that safe bubble. But I’m not sure what my safe bubble even looks like or who that would include. I just don’t have much faith in people… it’s not that no one’s offering so to speak. I dunno Mike.
Finally… the last thing that I’ve been finding hard to let go of is the fact that I didn’t get you a birthday present for your 18th. Like I said before I was, but then you went and got it… so I didn’t know what to get you… and didn’t get you anything. But now you’re gone I’m like “Great… fucked up that chance whilst I had it”. So now it’s your birthday today I find my thoughts in a bit of a jumble again… I guess all I have left is a knowledge of a lot of love towards you and thousands of tears. I used about a quarter roll of toilet paper writing this to you but I kinda feel like that’s all I can give you now… the storing of honest words, feelings and thoughts. I’m sure Dad’s gonna read this and want to talk to me about it haha… Go away dad this is between me and Mike!
Kelly and I went for a walk around Talkin Tarn last week. Watching her two year old boy reminded me so much of you… you without fail would end up filthy or socked everytime we went out as kids. No one could understand how you did it! It was like you’d be lifted from the car and would have it in your mind to just fall in a pond or pile of mud. It made me smile a lot thinking of you and how you would always do that.
Tonight I watched you playing Steve Vai… I really would have liked to have seen you play. I’ve been thinking about what you would have done if you were still here. You’d have finished Nexus last year… what would you have done these past 4 months as a “graduate”… would you be teaching? performing? Mike will I see you do what you dreamed of when I join you, leading worship? What are you doing in Heaven? Who are you hanging out with these days? I really wish I could see you and talk to you right now… If only Heaven had a phone, having said that I don’t think mum or dad would be happy with the phone bill. The family is gonna skype in the morning before Laura goes to school to thank God for your 18 years here, and 20 years in our lives… Laura and I are gonna go up to your grave and bring a Birthday Balloon. You always loved birthdays… and for my sake, it doesn’t feel right that there isn’t a balloon floating about dedicated to you. We’ll bring up the windmill again too. Laura and I are gonna have pizza for super. Cos you liked your pizza.
Anyways Mike… I better leave it as that for now. But I really do miss you and love you so much!
Mum came downstairs today and told me Uncle Bill called from Brisbane. “There’s been a really bad flash flood at Graham and Tracy’s.” Just the kinda news to make your heart skip a beat.
As many already know, Queensland has been experiencing some very heavy rainfall and this afternoon, local time, the rain caused a flash flood to come down the hills and pass through the valley. One area, known as Murphy’s Creek, is one of the places that got hit hard. Thankfully Tracy and two of the kids were in Toowoomba in town however, Graham and Nicky are currently stuck in the valley. On one hand it was good news that their house was only knee deep in water, but on the other, their next door neighbours were killed as the flash flood ripped the ground out from under the house and carried them, as well as the house, away.
Please pray for the mother who is alive but now grieving the loss of her home, husband and young daughter. Please pray for all those missing and who have died. Emergency services do not know the extent of the damage yet but some suggest approximately 30 people are missing and 8 have died, including children. Please pray for Graham and Nicky’s safety as emergency services are still finding it hard to reach the isolated area of the valley and the range. Please pray for all those who’s families have been broken and homes destroyed. Earlier this afternoon there were news reports of a 7 meter wall of water travelling through the areas, so basically an inland tsunami. Please pray God calms the storms and protects everyone from any more lives being taken.
Check out the link for a video from the news today. Note that there have been more deaths since this video was taken.
So I was supposed to get an early night on Saturday but I ended up chatting to people on Facebook, editing photos and writing emails. So I ended up getting outta bed at 1.45pm… oops. After a long shower I put a hair mask in, cooked a pop tart and walked around the house waiting for Laura to finish having her shower. Finally when everyone was showered Laura and I dyed Megan’s hair purple. Dad helped by pretending to pour Gin on her. That evening we had six people over for dinner. The new OM family that live down the road from us. When they left Megan and I stayed up watching, “My Sister’s Keeper“. It’s the same director of the “The Notebook“, but whether you liked the Notebook or not I would definitely recommend watching this movie. If you ever wanna understand more of the dynamics of sickness, death, loss, change and playing God in regards to messing around with creation… this is one to watch! But you have been warned, it’s a tear jerker!