Well, I learnt something in the past 24 hours. For a while now I have told people to not walk their journey alone but instead do it with others. However I have come to realise that unfortunately, I thought people would always been there. Truth is… they’re not. I know many of you already know this but I forgot. People don’t always walk the journey with you… or at least, not the way you think.
I really haven’t known what to write today. I feel like if I do write I’m judged and if I don’t write then I’m not being faithful to my blog. Many people have been in touch with my parents to wish them well today, and many have kindly mentioned they were thinking of me too. I am so grateful to those who have been in touch because you actually spoke massively to me. Family members and friends of the family… you guys are just amazing and I will try really hard to personally get in touch to thank.
A fair few people got in touch with me directly too, some of you showed me a lot of love whether you realise it or not and I’m soooooo grateful to you!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me! Sadly though, what surprised me was the majority of people who did personally get in touch gave me the impression I needed to move on and get over it; or didn’t say anything in reply when I explained today was Mike’s first anniversary; and many many many people I thought would be in touch weren’t…
I know this is life. But it’s caused me to question a lot of things. I’ve wondered why I blog and make myself vulnerable. I’ve wondered whether I’ve talked too much about Mike. I’ve wondered if life is about you being there for others and God being there for you. I’ve thought about who are my friends. I’ve wondered a lot of things.
I really don’t know what to write other than I’ve come to realise I put a lot of expectation in those around me. I focus my value and self-worth in others. I let myself down an incredible amount when they don’t act or respond in ways I thought. My motivate for sharing this isn’t for self-pity. It may seem like this and of course I’m sad, it’s actually been a surprisingly hurtful 24hours. No, my reasoning for sharing this is because I promise to commit to sharing my life’s walk with you on here. What I think is that I need to stand back, spend time with God, and work out how to place my self-worth and value in Him. Also, I’ve been convicted more than ever on the importance of being there for others… I know I have failed horribly at this myself and really need to work on it.
So guys thank you. As always I’m learning lots…. I know this is a rather strange blog to read. Like I said I didn’t know what to write… I know in time when I have explored this with God things will be a lot clearer. Especially my thoughts and emotions haha. Don’t take it as self-pity. It’s just a realisation of walking with others and a conviction of my own behaviour…
But on a much happier note… for all those who were wondering, God is faithful, I got my cake 🙂 Thank you for walking the jounrey with me. Speak soon xx