Well there is so much I could write about regarding Mike’s death, his calling Home, the journey we as a family have been on… But firstly, I want to thank God… According to the date, Mike’s anniversary is tomorrow… August the 1st. However, according to the day… Mike died this morning. You see, it’s actually very hard to not revisit Mike’s death according to the day… what we all did that final Friday night and what has happened since that first Saturday morning where for the first time in his life, he did not wake up.
I think death for me has come to an understanding of it being as a transition. I don’t know how to explain that because I’ve never died and come back to relive the tale. But, I think your soul goes back to Jesus. Whether asleep or awake… I think as a Christian your last breath is a gentle release. Dad wrote a really good blog today about that Saturday morning and how it was like Mike had been release. You can read it here.
Since then I have a walk the journey with so many friends and family… and so it’s you too that I want to thank. I have a horrible fear of being forgotten and whilst I’m determined to be strong, I do really long for the love and support of those around me so that I don’t have to be strong but instead safe to be free and real in my emotions. So thank you. I remember all our conversations and I have been so blessed by your talks with me, emails, Facebooking…
I have learnt so much on this journey and I continue to do so. Words don’t do these things justice… but here we go.
God is faithful. It has been painful. I haven’t understood Him. He has felt distant. I have threatened Him a number of times. Made my demands known… and He continues to be faithful to me. I can fully say with conviction that He will do the same for you whatever your situation is in life.
This as been the biggest thing I have had to trust God with. Just like Abraham and Issac… only God did take Mike. We were never given an option unlike Abraham. But how each of us have had to show obedience is through getting up each morning and saying “OK, God, I don’t understand, I don’t feel like it, I don’t have the energy… But if I’m gonna keep moving forward with You, then you gotta help me. Please give me the strength“. I know we can ALL relate to this… if we give God the room and the permission to work in our lives He will.
This brings me to thext point. Baby steps each day and you will realise how far God has bought you. Each day it’s a battle. But each day I ask God to help and guide me and each day I realise He has used me and say, “Oh, thank you God!!” because I was able to do a good deed for someone, have an epic conversation about God with someone, share about Mike… I love being able to talk about Mike because it’s such a privilege to share about my brother and it helps with the healing! Along with many other things. A Revelation, a thought, express love to someone or be loved.
God hears. He does. So many times we have said or thought something and God responded. I couldn’t possibly count them all but two that have happened just today were firstly, I made a joke about the cards, flowers, and cakes that we received last year when Mike died and how I want them this year. Since I made that joke we have received more cards, today the doorbell rang and I knew straight away what it was… yup, when I answered the door there was the delivery man with flowers, and now I’m just waiting for God to bring along a cake haha. Secondly, this morning Dad wrote about a caged bird in his blog today and how Mike, like the caged bird has been freed. A few hours later our non christian neighbours bought around a card to say they were thinking of us and guess what was on the front of their card to us… a picture of a cage, and a bird escaping from the cage. There are so many God incidences and He cares. He really really does. So guys go strong in your walk with Jesus because He cares and He will show you this. You just have to trust Him that he will do just that.
You will find out who your real friends are in life. Whilst I don’t think you should cut people out your life… I don think it’s important to realise who is worth your time and energy. It’s amazing to see who is still walking the journey with you one year on. You really do know who loves you in life. Guys, this brings me back to “free giving” that I wrote about the other day. You speak volumes when you do something or someone or remember them in your thoughts and give them a call etc.
People will say stupid things to you in your journey of pain and loss. Show them grace.
Whatever you feel or think… feel it and think it. Don’t bottle it up. When you feel like you can’t handle your emotions anymore… God can. Weep with Him, fight with Him, be REAL with Him. He values your real friendship more than He values your “perfect Christian walk“.
There is much I can write about… But looking back. I can honestly say whilst I don’t wish this upon anyone, from my experience, I can tell you I actually think it’s an experience worth going through. Of course I want Mike back. But why I can accept it is through knowing what has gone on in the lives of myself, my family, and those around us. Also, I can tell you…. death is painful. There’s no escape of that… but now I have been through it, and yes it’ll be a life long experience, I can also tell you as a Christian it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. God’s strength and faithfulness has proved to me that in Him we have nothing to be afraid of.
This song has history with me and my family. Mike put together a music video of him dancing to this song when he was very early teens. But if yu can… please listen to it right now… and remember the truth in these words. We are free… and Mike… well… He’s in the presence of God now. This song speaks even more volumns to us as a family when we listen to the words and how they’re relevant to Mike…
OK… I need to stop writing now haha. Much love to you all.
Oh my days I LOVE shopping!! My favorite shopping season is DEFINITELY christmas!! Anyways… today I went shopping for an additional few presents for someone. Whilst I was out I couldn’t help but see a couple dresses I liked. I’ve not been shopping in MONTHS… literally… and my plan was to wait right before I go to camp to get a couple of things of Australia because I’m kinda poor, espeically from buying presents and gifts for others. But to cut a long story short on why THIS shopping trip was AMAZING. Firstly, I able to wear size eights very comfortably (yes!!!! losing weight is paying off!!!). Secondly, I bought TWO dresses. Thirdly, they were DEISGNER. Fourthly, that were HALF off and BUY ONE GET ONE FREE!! Yeahhhhhhhh!!!!! Two dresses for the price of half a dress!!! arghhhhh!!! Total bargin!! So Ok maybe this is a superficial thing to be happy about but screw it… I felt like a millionnaire princess! Thank you God 🙂
I’ve made progress on school work… have one final section to write and then I’ll have to go through everything to make sure it’s all ok. I had a friend over last night to have a bit of a girly night and so today I’m too tried to do any school work. I really should get on with it because I’m gonna be pretty busy in life now for a bit…hmmm we’ll see. But anyways yeah, last night was fun. We chilled out and talked heaps haha. Always fun.
I suppose it comes as no shock what so ever to talk about Mike. But it is weird. Mike died in the early hours of Saturday, which means he last woke up on a Friday… and today is the Friday. So although it’s not the anniversary tomorrow… I find it weird to think how “this” Friday is the last day he woke up. For me the countdown so to speak is today… it kinda feels like that anyways. I don’t know what I was expecting with the lead up to the anniversary but the key thing I’ve been thinking about is “the last day“.
It’s such a crazy concept when you actually think about it. One day, we too will wake up for the last time… and we’re all walking around ignorant and oblivious of the fact that today could be our last. I know we’ve heard lots of phrases about living each day as though it was your last etc. But, every night we go to bed or everytime we wake up in the morning… we never think to ourselves “oh I’m alive“… our thoughts consist of “oh gosh five more minutes of sleep!!” or “oh my gosh I need to do this that and the other today“…
I’m not sad or anything, I’m just really thinking a lot about what happened with Mike today and tonight… and what I was doing today, tonight, and tomorrow morning….
Hmmm what can I update you all on…
Well every tear/sweat/blood drop is one step closer to finishing my essay… so I suppose that’s good haha. Please pray I pass! Mum’s cooking supper and it smells yum… Laura’s going to Teenstreet tomorrow… I keep thinking about what I was doing this time last year and the led up to the first. Actually on that note I had a good smile to myself today. People have been sending cards in the post to let the family know we’re being thought of… and it totally took me back to after Mike died when the hundreds of cards that came through my post box last year haha. All the cakes people bought round, the flowers sent, how people bought over food each night for us to eat and not worry about cooking, how there was at least one phone ringing at one time… the nightmare was when 5 phones were ringing… but MAN did we have it all sorted! God is so kind and we were all so blessed. But I did have a little chuckle and thought “hey I’m not gonna say no if someone wants to send me some flowers again or bring me around a cake!!” haha.
Actually… I do have a little thought on this subject. Never have I felt so bless in my whole entire life by people. Like, they didn’t even think of it they just did it! Nothing was going to stop them from being generous in their time, thoughts, finances, practical help… we had people coming over to mow the lawn; provide us food; give us gifts; cry with us; spend time talking together; do our shopping; help us prepare for a funeral… Alot of it was planned in advance, but alot of it was also spontaneous.
Suddenly people didn’t worry about “oh it might be too late in the day” or “oh they might be eating” or “oh we might be intruding“… Like one thing I loved about one of my close friends was when Mike died she called up my parents as soon as she heard the news. Why I loved this was she felt comfortable to do that!! She could of thought “oh man they might not wanna talk to me at this moment in time“, but she didn’t! Sure it’s different in different circumstances and it’s not always smart to stick your nose in. But in this case, she felt close enough to me and the family to do that!
But why does it take tragedy or crisis for such free giving amongst us all? Sure we give our 10% to the church, and support the orphanage oversees, and SURE we all say “oh but we do this that and the other“… which is great!! But in all honesty, I don’t think we do enough. Like, I know we can all present a lot of arguments for why we need to be careful or limit how much we do, i.e. focus on school work, our own families, careful spending to the recession… Ok Ok so you’re telling me there’s a line between responsibility and generosity… But all I’m saying, is everyone’s kindness to me and my family had a massive impact on me. It’s challenged me to think about my own actions in life and I just wanted to encourage you all that you can never do enough for people. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of time or money!! It means so much when you do something nice for others.
Don’t be a grabber or a holder in life… Be givers!!
So I got the results of my xray… good news! My rib cage is normal (whatever that means in medical terms). However, that still doesn’t explain the pain or why my rib is sticking out, nor does it give me a “box” to understand the pain and now to manage it. SO! I’m off to the doctor on Friday to see what’s next. I’m starting to wonder is it muscular problem? Anyways.. thank you so much for your prayers… I really hope she says I don’t need an operation now haha. But please continue to pray that we will find out what’s causing the pain soon.. or God heals the pain completely. Oh and I know this is kinda ridiculous, but please pray that I just have total peace about it all also. I’m really self conscious about visual difference between the two sides of the rib cage, one sticks out and one doesn’t. I really don’t want to care but I’m finding it hard to appreciate what health I do have when my weak side keeps thinking about it!
Oh man, I’ve hit the wall with university work… my thoughts are just not coming together and I just can’t push past this section which is driving me mad! I might have to leave it for tonight and try again in the morning grrrrr. I only have like 5 more sections to do! I really wanna just push past this mental block… but no…I sit here, and stare at the computer screen. I don’t think it has anything to do with motivation because I’ve been at it for the past 8 hours!!! I’ve literally lost the ability to put together a trail of thought.
Anyways… I have a whole load of things coming up in life so I need to make a note of it somewhere! So I guess here will do the trick!
Tuesday 27th – hello Grandma, university work
Wednesday 28th – university work, write you know what for you know who
Thursday 29th – university work, bye bye laura, and sleepover with kelly
Friday 30th – doctor @ 9.40am, university work and must go into town to my present and send you know what to you know who in the post!
Saturday 31st – university work and hello leah
Sunday 1st – celebrate 1 year anniversary of mike’s death
Monday 2nd – bye bye leah and Grandma
Tuesday 3rd – university work
Wednesday 4th – hello sarah and mad 24hr tour of cumbria
Thursday 5th – bye bye sarah, hello laura, university work
Friday 6th – university work
Saturday 7th – university work MUST be finished by now at very latest!
Sunday 8th – hello esther
Monday 9th – start packing, swing dance, cmto, and girly sleepover
Tuesday 10th – shopping (must remember to buy wedding present and dad’s 50th bday present), cleaning, packing! sarah and gemma are coming over also!
Wednesday 11th – shopping, cleaning, packing! remember to tell people about my birthday! remind mum and dad they’re incharge of arranging my birthday (lol)
Thursday 12th – go to holland
Friday 20th – come back from holland
Saturday 21th – wash holland clothes, repack for australia, dye my hair, wax my legs and celebrate my birthday…which would have actually been on the 17th
Sunday 22nd – fly to australia with family and esther
Monday 23rd – celebrate dad’s 50th whilst somewhere in the sky!
Tuesday 24th – hello australia!
This is the answer to high cholesterol apparently!
– Sass – has decided to give up cheeseburgers, cookie dough, and candy in favor of saving my life and lowering my crazy high cholesterol…i need everybody to help me with this because i do not have much willpower and “baby-steps” kill me every time!
– Person 3 – this helped me 😛 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLonh7ZesKs
– Sass – Ok, so I must have left myself logged in on my sisters computer because I am currently enjoying some cookie dough for breakfast, dreaming of a cheeseburger for lunch and will probably snack on some candy in the inbetween.. and I will lower my unfortunately high cholesterol by eliminating stress… so maybe I will watch TV all day.