I think it’s official that I have a vacuum fetish.
Today I had the genius idea of cleaning my lap top… with the vacuum; and all was going well until I sucked up my number 6 key. This without fail became my Facebook status and one friend wrote, “time to go dust bunny fishing!” … My response?
“Wellllllll… I got mum to do that part cos IIIII left the bathroom window open the other night and the light on; the next morning I counted about 15 moths and butterflies which was fine…until they tried to get in the shower with me… so I sucked all them up in the vacuum too!!!…and I was sooooooo not putting my hand in the moth trap for my number 6 key!!!!!!”
Oh… and my water bottle explode in my bag today… which I was carrying… I didn’t realise until I notice my leg was wet… Needless to say, that was a very confusing minute or two in life because I couldn’t understand why my leg would be wet if I didn’t need the toilet!
“In the very corner of my heart, there is a very little box. The box where I put everything I never told you. Like how rain makes me miss you, and how you were such a dork when we were eleven. Like how I spent hours on your Valentine’s day card, and how I wonder if you still have it…because I still have the one you made for me. Like how I can recognise your handwriting anywhere, and how I can recognise your hands too. Like how running my fingers across your hair was my thing…until I saw her do it too. Like how I ‘loved’ that guy over there and how this other guy was the cutest boy I’d ‘ever seen’, but deep down nothing could compare to you. Like how I knew that I was in love with you, and though I knew you weren’t in love with me, in my dreams everything was perfect. Like how I sent you a letter telling you to move on, but when you actually did, I put my smile in that box and didn’t get it out for a little while. Like how you asked me if I was okay with it, and I said I was happy for you…in my little box, I put my tears and crushed spirit. I’m over you. But that little box of things I never told you…that’s still there. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why it hurts so much.”
– Adelaide West
Aw man, I just HAD to steal this (with Adi’s permission lol) as she expresses this truth sooooo well! If you can’t relate to this…maybe it will now give you some insight into those who can relate 🙂
So I have no inspiration to write about these days… life consists of school work… placement… and nothing else. I’m looking forward to all of this changing very soon. A little while ago I made a decision to not think about my future until I’ve actually finished university. I’ve had some thoughts about what’s next… and I think things are becoming clearer one pixel at a time… watching paint dry is definitely faster sometimes. But then again, I’m not in a hurry to know what’s next for me.
I also have a confession… the other night I left the bathroom window open and the light on… well the next morning while I was in the shower I counted at least 15 moths and butterflies. Which was fine… until they tried to get in the shower with me. I hate things that fly… I mean it gives me the creeps. I remember being at Rachel and Justin Lovett’s place a couple of years ago and the amount of flying bugs that are in the world is just horrible. Between fish and bugs that fly… I have a phobia of things touching me! Argh! So…what did I do? You ready for the confession? I sucked them all up in the vacuum cleaner. Bye Bye Bugs.
There is no excuse to be bored. Sad, yes. Angry, yes. Depressed, yes. Crazy, yes. But there is no excuse for boredom, ever.
I’m so far away from you.
Your idea of me is fabricated with materials you have borrowed from other people and from yourself. What you think of me depends on what you think of yourself. Perhaps you create your idea of me out of material you would like to eliminate from your own idea of yourself. Perhaps your idea of me is a reflection of what other people think of you. Or perhaps what you think of me is simply what you think I think of you.
I miss being a kid… Because skinned knees are easier to heal than broken hearts.
Why do we always say we’re fine when it’s obvious we’re lying?
I feel like I need everyone else so much more than they need me.
And when the universe has finished exploding all the stars will slow down, like a ball that has been thrown into the air, and they will come to halt and they will all begin to fall towards the centre of the universe again. And then there will be nothing to stop us seeing all the stars in the world because they will all be moving towards us, gradually faster and faster, and we will know that the world is going to end soon because when we look up into the sky at night there will be no darkness, just the blazing light of billions and billions of stars, all falling.
One suicide victim who commited suicide by jumping the Golden Gate Bridge left a note behind saying: “I am going to walk to the bridge. If one person smiles at me on the way, I will not jump.”
So, England left the World Cup today. I was actually very disappointed at their game. It was pretty rubbish wasn’t it? But to be fair… when Germany scored the first two goals England were very quick to score two goals within minutes… I’m just gutted that second goal did count according to the ref!!! didn’t like EVERYONE see it go in?! I think after that it was all psychological… no wonder England played so badly… they just didn’t care. Ah!!! Well I had fun screaming my head off!! 😛
Something has been on my mind lately… in social work, we recognise people are disabled but not because they are missing limbs, or have a sensory loss, or have a mental health issue… they are disabled because of the world around them. The external constraints. The attitudes of society. It is human nature to discriminate. To look at people differently. Why? Open question, you think about it, I’m not gonna give you a two sided list of arguments. However, this is the exact same problem amongst Christians.
I have a past. I have a story. Some people really struggle with the thought of some of the things I’ve done. Although people say they wont judge me… or don’t judge me. They do. But what makes it worse is they think by not being honest with me, or themselves (that my past is a bit of an issue for them), and by not saying anything… they avoid the problem. But what people forget is… everyone is readable. You don’t have to say things for people, like me, to know you judge me. So, by not being honest, people make it worse.
Maybe you can relate to this. Maybe you can relate to being judged. Maybe you can relate to judging others. To those who judge, and I’m in this group too because I know I’ve done my share of judging in life, here’s what I wanna say to you…
“Guys, we all know the story of the guy who was forgiven for a massive debt who then didn’t forgive another guy for a much smaller debt… since when did we become so self righteous to place ourselves in God’s shoes and judge others when we ourselves cannot cast the first stone. Do not tell me what I have done or what other have done is worse than what you have ever or will ever do… you are a hypercritic. You have no right to stand and judge others because one day you will stand before God and He will only care about what you have or haven’t done. I am very disappointed at myself and others for seeing people how they use to be… and for forgetting who God is turning them into. How dare we challenge God’s master piece that He is creating in one another and say to people ‘because of what you have done, you are no good for/to me’. Do not rationalise that quote. You may not have said those exact words but you have thought and acted on that ungodly principle. How dare we challenge God’s forgiveness. He has forgiven them. So why are we using people’s pasts and mistakes to disable them? Do you realise the seriousness of that?! God has a story. God wants to use people. He wants to turn messed up things to reflect His Glory… and what are we doing?! Getting in the way! We are basically telling God that He doesn’t know what He is doing and that taking God’s role and right away from Him! People forget that God is the same God in both the old and new testament and guys… our judging is placing us in dangerous waters! You want a real relationship with God? Deal with the log in your own eye. I am not talking about coming alone side one another and challenging each others’ actions… I am talking about arrogance. Because that is what you and I are. Arrogant. Who were Jesus’ close friends? Throughout the bible who is God most intimate with? Did they not commit adultery? Gamble? Steal? Murder? Rape? Worship Satan?… I am not for one minute saying this is easy. I know there can be a lot of hurt and pain, even fear, involved in this for many many many people… But there isn’t an excuse to use something someone has done against them. You have an opportunity to show grace and love. But what do you chose to do? The exact opposite.”
To those who have been judged by others… here’s what I wanna say to you…
“Jesus loves you. Regardless of what you have done in life. To Him you are perfect and there is nothing that will change that. Seek Him and you will find His forgiveness. Whatever anyone tells you about your past, or if anyone judges you for something you have done, just remember that by the grace of God…You Are Free.”
Wow… today has been a long one… and an unexpected one in many ways.
It’s interesting I wrote about anger and my temper in a recent post… I have previously mentioned that my temper has calmed down a lot in recent years and questioned whether I had that side to me still… Guess who showed up today? Akila’s temper. It wasn’t as bad a volcanic eruption as some of my other moments but today I just snapped and lost it.
I know it’s never always good to lose your temper but at the same time… some times an explosion of emotion feels good. A number of situations in life have been building up and I’ve been trying to go at it alone. Today I had a very difficult moment at work after someone completely abused me verbally… with an awesome highlight of me bursting into tears to my manager. All I kept saying was “I have no idea where this is coming from“… my tears really suprised me as it was the sort of bursting into tears where you lose the ability to speak and your words are not audible.
Anyways… I think this situation at work was the catalyst that made everything else that has been on my mind so much worse. So my tears weren’t really for the situation at work but for everything else. I think I just reached the point of “I have had enough“. Then when I got home one family member did something that wasn’t smart at all and really ticked me off and I just lost it… which wasn’t the best on my part either. I think what today has confirmed to me is “Wow… have I been carrying all this emotion, the tears, the anger, the frustration, all this time?”
I guess we all make mistakes, and we all carry on learning. I don’t feel like I’ve got rid of all the frustration out my system though. I just feel like the explosion helped to release a bunch of emotion but not everything because I can still feel a lot of anger and frustration inside. But right now, I don’t care. I just want my bed.