I think it’s official that I have a vacuum fetish.
Today I had the genius idea of cleaning my lap top… with the vacuum; and all was going well until I sucked up my number 6 key. This without fail became my Facebook status and one friend wrote, “time to go dust bunny fishing!” … My response?
“Wellllllll… I got mum to do that part cos IIIII left the bathroom window open the other night and the light on; the next morning I counted about 15 moths and butterflies which was fine…until they tried to get in the shower with me… so I sucked all them up in the vacuum too!!!…and I was sooooooo not putting my hand in the moth trap for my number 6 key!!!!!!”
Oh… and my water bottle explode in my bag today… which I was carrying… I didn’t realise until I notice my leg was wet… Needless to say, that was a very confusing minute or two in life because I couldn’t understand why my leg would be wet if I didn’t need the toilet!
“In the very corner of my heart, there is a very little box. The box where I put everything I never told you. Like how rain makes me miss you, and how you were such a dork when we were eleven. Like how I spent hours on your Valentine’s day card, and how I wonder if you still have it…because I still have the one you made for me. Like how I can recognise your handwriting anywhere, and how I can recognise your hands too. Like how running my fingers across your hair was my thing…until I saw her do it too. Like how I ‘loved’ that guy over there and how this other guy was the cutest boy I’d ‘ever seen’, but deep down nothing could compare to you. Like how I knew that I was in love with you, and though I knew you weren’t in love with me, in my dreams everything was perfect. Like how I sent you a letter telling you to move on, but when you actually did, I put my smile in that box and didn’t get it out for a little while. Like how you asked me if I was okay with it, and I said I was happy for you…in my little box, I put my tears and crushed spirit. I’m over you. But that little box of things I never told you…that’s still there. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why it hurts so much.”
– Adelaide West
Aw man, I just HAD to steal this (with Adi’s permission lol) as she expresses this truth sooooo well! If you can’t relate to this…maybe it will now give you some insight into those who can relate 🙂
So I have no inspiration to write about these days… life consists of school work… placement… and nothing else. I’m looking forward to all of this changing very soon. A little while ago I made a decision to not think about my future until I’ve actually finished university. I’ve had some thoughts about what’s next… and I think things are becoming clearer one pixel at a time… watching paint dry is definitely faster sometimes. But then again, I’m not in a hurry to know what’s next for me.
I also have a confession… the other night I left the bathroom window open and the light on… well the next morning while I was in the shower I counted at least 15 moths and butterflies. Which was fine… until they tried to get in the shower with me. I hate things that fly… I mean it gives me the creeps. I remember being at Rachel and Justin Lovett’s place a couple of years ago and the amount of flying bugs that are in the world is just horrible. Between fish and bugs that fly… I have a phobia of things touching me! Argh! So…what did I do? You ready for the confession? I sucked them all up in the vacuum cleaner. Bye Bye Bugs.
There is no excuse to be bored. Sad, yes. Angry, yes. Depressed, yes. Crazy, yes. But there is no excuse for boredom, ever.
I’m so far away from you.
Your idea of me is fabricated with materials you have borrowed from other people and from yourself. What you think of me depends on what you think of yourself. Perhaps you create your idea of me out of material you would like to eliminate from your own idea of yourself. Perhaps your idea of me is a reflection of what other people think of you. Or perhaps what you think of me is simply what you think I think of you.
I miss being a kid… Because skinned knees are easier to heal than broken hearts.
Why do we always say we’re fine when it’s obvious we’re lying?
I feel like I need everyone else so much more than they need me.
And when the universe has finished exploding all the stars will slow down, like a ball that has been thrown into the air, and they will come to halt and they will all begin to fall towards the centre of the universe again. And then there will be nothing to stop us seeing all the stars in the world because they will all be moving towards us, gradually faster and faster, and we will know that the world is going to end soon because when we look up into the sky at night there will be no darkness, just the blazing light of billions and billions of stars, all falling.
One suicide victim who commited suicide by jumping the Golden Gate Bridge left a note behind saying: “I am going to walk to the bridge. If one person smiles at me on the way, I will not jump.”
So, England left the World Cup today. I was actually very disappointed at their game. It was pretty rubbish wasn’t it? But to be fair… when Germany scored the first two goals England were very quick to score two goals within minutes… I’m just gutted that second goal did count according to the ref!!! didn’t like EVERYONE see it go in?! I think after that it was all psychological… no wonder England played so badly… they just didn’t care. Ah!!! Well I had fun screaming my head off!! 😛
Something has been on my mind lately… in social work, we recognise people are disabled but not because they are missing limbs, or have a sensory loss, or have a mental health issue… they are disabled because of the world around them. The external constraints. The attitudes of society. It is human nature to discriminate. To look at people differently. Why? Open question, you think about it, I’m not gonna give you a two sided list of arguments. However, this is the exact same problem amongst Christians.
I have a past. I have a story. Some people really struggle with the thought of some of the things I’ve done. Although people say they wont judge me… or don’t judge me. They do. But what makes it worse is they think by not being honest with me, or themselves (that my past is a bit of an issue for them), and by not saying anything… they avoid the problem. But what people forget is… everyone is readable. You don’t have to say things for people, like me, to know you judge me. So, by not being honest, people make it worse.
Maybe you can relate to this. Maybe you can relate to being judged. Maybe you can relate to judging others. To those who judge, and I’m in this group too because I know I’ve done my share of judging in life, here’s what I wanna say to you…
“Guys, we all know the story of the guy who was forgiven for a massive debt who then didn’t forgive another guy for a much smaller debt… since when did we become so self righteous to place ourselves in God’s shoes and judge others when we ourselves cannot cast the first stone. Do not tell me what I have done or what other have done is worse than what you have ever or will ever do… you are a hypercritic. You have no right to stand and judge others because one day you will stand before God and He will only care about what you have or haven’t done. I am very disappointed at myself and others for seeing people how they use to be… and for forgetting who God is turning them into. How dare we challenge God’s master piece that He is creating in one another and say to people ‘because of what you have done, you are no good for/to me’. Do not rationalise that quote. You may not have said those exact words but you have thought and acted on that ungodly principle. How dare we challenge God’s forgiveness. He has forgiven them. So why are we using people’s pasts and mistakes to disable them? Do you realise the seriousness of that?! God has a story. God wants to use people. He wants to turn messed up things to reflect His Glory… and what are we doing?! Getting in the way! We are basically telling God that He doesn’t know what He is doing and that taking God’s role and right away from Him! People forget that God is the same God in both the old and new testament and guys… our judging is placing us in dangerous waters! You want a real relationship with God? Deal with the log in your own eye. I am not talking about coming alone side one another and challenging each others’ actions… I am talking about arrogance. Because that is what you and I are. Arrogant. Who were Jesus’ close friends? Throughout the bible who is God most intimate with? Did they not commit adultery? Gamble? Steal? Murder? Rape? Worship Satan?… I am not for one minute saying this is easy. I know there can be a lot of hurt and pain, even fear, involved in this for many many many people… But there isn’t an excuse to use something someone has done against them. You have an opportunity to show grace and love. But what do you chose to do? The exact opposite.”
To those who have been judged by others… here’s what I wanna say to you…
“Jesus loves you. Regardless of what you have done in life. To Him you are perfect and there is nothing that will change that. Seek Him and you will find His forgiveness. Whatever anyone tells you about your past, or if anyone judges you for something you have done, just remember that by the grace of God…You Are Free.”
Wow… today has been a long one… and an unexpected one in many ways.
It’s interesting I wrote about anger and my temper in a recent post… I have previously mentioned that my temper has calmed down a lot in recent years and questioned whether I had that side to me still… Guess who showed up today? Akila’s temper. It wasn’t as bad a volcanic eruption as some of my other moments but today I just snapped and lost it.
I know it’s never always good to lose your temper but at the same time… some times an explosion of emotion feels good. A number of situations in life have been building up and I’ve been trying to go at it alone. Today I had a very difficult moment at work after someone completely abused me verbally… with an awesome highlight of me bursting into tears to my manager. All I kept saying was “I have no idea where this is coming from“… my tears really suprised me as it was the sort of bursting into tears where you lose the ability to speak and your words are not audible.
Anyways… I think this situation at work was the catalyst that made everything else that has been on my mind so much worse. So my tears weren’t really for the situation at work but for everything else. I think I just reached the point of “I have had enough“. Then when I got home one family member did something that wasn’t smart at all and really ticked me off and I just lost it… which wasn’t the best on my part either. I think what today has confirmed to me is “Wow… have I been carrying all this emotion, the tears, the anger, the frustration, all this time?”
I guess we all make mistakes, and we all carry on learning. I don’t feel like I’ve got rid of all the frustration out my system though. I just feel like the explosion helped to release a bunch of emotion but not everything because I can still feel a lot of anger and frustration inside. But right now, I don’t care. I just want my bed.
Some times we stumble across things that just sum up exactly what we’re thinking, say things so much better than we could ever phrase… I came across this and just thought “Woah, this is almost perfect”. Anyways, turn it up, and just listen to the song… I’m falling in love with it.
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I’m older
In my life there’s been heartache and pain
I don’t know if I can face it again
Can’t stop now, I’ve traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I’m gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
I’ve got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
In my life there’s been heartache and pain
I don’t know if I can face it again
I can’t stop now, I’ve traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me
Let’s talk about love
I wanna know what love is, the love that you feel inside
I want you to show me, and I’m feeling so much love
I wanna feel what love is, no, you just cannot hide
I know you can show me, yeah
So Monday was the longest day of the year (and it was soooooo warm!!!!)… and Laura finished her final exam for high school… making her free from high school for the rest of her life!! Woohoo!! So as a little celebration we had Andi and Tessa over for a BBQ and went up to Calbeck to watch the sunset… only when we got there we realised the sun wouldn’t go down for quite some time. We also had a pretty funny moment when we arrive on one of the hills and parked the car… there was a car full of young guys parked opposite us and when us girls got out they all started wolf whistling…maybe because Laura and I were wearing short shorts… anyways…Dad dressed in a neon blue African shirt went over to them and started filming them…and they were like “oi mate why you filming us all for” and dad goes “well I like to film boys that wold whistle at me”…. oh the embarrassment! 😛
I miss the noise from your room
I miss the thuds your footsteps made down the stairs
I miss your guitar being played
I miss you signing into facebook and msn
I miss you plonking into the chair
I miss your finger prints everywhere
I miss measuring your height on the kitchen wall
I miss asking how you are
I miss your proud face when you achieved something cool
I miss the jokes you shared
I miss seeing you
I flippen just miss everything.
OK, here’s some random and maybe some suprising trivia about Akila. Dad always said to me “Akila, you’re like a snake, you attack when you are or feel attacked or threatened… sometimes you just need to be a worm… just do nothing when you’re stepped on” AH! He’s been telling me that all my life and I’m still as fiery in many respects.
On a slightly humorous note, back in the day when Aki would party and do all the things you really should avoid… there were a few occasions that I know of where guys were jerks and either physically assaulted me or made some rather suggestive comments that I didn’t approve of and fuelled with alcohol I would go for them. Good idea to stand up for myself… bad idea when you put the words “guys, alcohol and jerks” in the same sentence. But I confess I took pride in the fact that people would always been shocked and say something along the lines of “Akila you are flippen strong for a little person when you wanna be”.
Whilst we’re on this subject… I don’t know if this is the same for all women, but even though I know the potential consequences my actions could have by me trying to take on a guy in a physical fight… it’s more often just an act. Women know they are at an automatic disadvantage when they feel threatened by a guy because guys are so much stronger than them and if a guy physically attacks… then they don’t have much chance… so women will just go for the guy and try to scare him by yelling or getting the first hit in because if they don’t… they’ll remain at the disadvantage. I remember back at university this guy followed me home and I was so freaked out but didn’t know what to do… and my flat mate absolutely flipped at the guy but afterwards she told me “oh my gosh i was so scared i didn’t know what to do“… flip me at the time with the way she was gonna go for the guy i thought she knew exactly what it was that she was doing!
it’s interesting because i use to have a horrrrrrible temper that has really calmed down in the past few years but i often wonder is it still there? im not in many of the situations i use to put myself in before… so i have no real reason to eercise my temper… but i wonder if that side of me will ever come out again? i do know i’m still really defensive and i really wish i wasn’t. my first relationship was really bad in terms of the emotional blackmail/abuse that went on and after putting up with it for so long i came to the point of snapping… and since then i’ve never snapped back. i saw it with fitz at time when he was here in England. I dunno why i would get defensive about things because he wasn’t doing/saying anything wrong… i just didn’t know how to respond to the situation… or maybe i did know but chose to let a learnt behaviour respond.
ahhhh… i have so much to learn still… maybe you can relate to it when i say that feeling strong and untouchable makes you feel good… it’s addictive… butttttttt I know its a load of bull as well and that God wants me to be way more worm like. I’m taking lessons in how to be a worm… a deadly serious statement but still… quite funny.
If you need an addictive song to listen to… this one has me and Laura singing it down the street haha!
Ahhhh… I guess it’s true when they say what you think about before you sleep you’re still thinking about when you wake up. This morning I woke up with a sence of something that I couldn’t put my finger on. It’s been in the back of my mind lately that it’s coming up to the one year anniversary of Mike death, and this morning I realised it will be in exactly 6 weeks time.
It became clear to me today how worried I am about it. Last year I was so loved and surrounded by so many people… and this year I’m so scared of being alone. One year ago I was carried on the wings of hundreds of people, I had some of my best friends with me on the day, I had Fitz, all over the world people were sending me there thoughts, prayers, and love. I dunno why this year I’m so afraid of being alone. Maybe I’m scared of accepting people have moved on. Death has never scared me. But being forgotten has. I feel this overwhelming responsibility to keep Mike’s legacy alive… maybe I’m still coming to terms with him actually being gone.
One year ago God provided so much love for me so that when an unexpected storm hit He made sure I would be carried through. I have no reason to believe He would leave me now; and that He knows I’m looking towards August the 1st 2010 with panic and fear. Of what I’m not even sure to be honest. Even now I can’t help but write this post with tears streaming down. It’s such a beautiful day today, I’m progressing with school work… and all I can think about is exactly this time last year I spent my last 2 and a half weeks with Mike.
I came home from the ship to concentrate on 3 essays I failed and I never knew those were my last moments with Mike. I’m so mad and hurt that my school work was placed as a priority above Mike. Why didn’t I say “Fuck School” and make the most of what little time was left? I have worked so hard for my degree… but I would of thrown it all out the window for Mike. My degree would still have been there… Mike isn’t. Man, I love Mike so much and it’s distressing me when I think about how it doesn’t feel like he’s gone. But at the same time I’m so scared and it’s hurting me that Mike will always be 18… we’re moving on and he’s not with us.
It’s not often I specifically ask God for something… my prayers are usually fairly general so it gives Him room to do things His way… but before you all reading this, I wanna ask God that He provides a lot of love for me between now and August the 1st, I just want Him to heal me, and I just want a friend on that day. I don’t wanna feel panic, sadness, fear, and pain anymore. I want God to continue to use Mike’s death to reach out to people. I don’t want Mike’s death to just happen and fade in time. But somehow God continues to use it. Mike means so much to me and I miss him so much and I don’t want to feel guilty for asking all of this from God… like I’m asking for too much. I hate crying in front of people… but I hate crying alone even more.
I’m too tired to write… but I will anyways. I’ve been thinking… and maybe a lot of us can relate to this… but since Fitz and I broke up… I really haven’t talked about a lot of things much or at all. Who is there to talk to? I have so many friends, know so many people… but when it comes to actually talking about things… like Mike, or if something has upset me, or if I’m really happy about something… I don’t have a consistent person I go to anymore. I suppose I could work on finding that girl or guy friend… but in some respects it doesn’t bother me that I don’t have that connection with someone… on the other I wonder what I’m missing out on.
It is nice to share your life with someone… and I know it was really beneficial for me to talk to Fitz regularly… like even just about my day… I think I have a weakness of trying to be too independent… but that also brings up my argument of “well it certainly appears like i can only depend on myself.” I knowwwwwwwwwww… I have God and my family and blah blah blah but before you jump on me give me space to blog and think and work things out in my own mind. I just miss having that close person to talk to about Mike, or just call up and say “hey, thinking of you, whats up?” Argh… I have hit the writers wall cos what I’m writing isn’t exactly what i’m trying to say… maybe i’ll try again in the morning.
But here’s a piece of advice for people that I relearnt recently… 1. gossip is lame, I’m still learning this and you should be too; 2. if you have a problem with someone, suck it up and tell THEM… not others; 3. when people find out you have gossiped about them… they’re going to think bad things about you… so on that note… lets all stop being dumbarses and just use our brains.
So I was gonna tell you of all about my adventures over in Holland, but I’ve realised this will be an enormous blog by the time I write everything… so I will continue to hold off sharing about Holland… however I will take this opportunity to tell the whole wide world that I hate side hugs!!! Gimme a good old cuddle!!
And… on a much more serious note, my rib is still causing me a problem and I think it is getting worse. I went to the doctor about 2 weeks ago and he was just a word I shall not write on my blog… but he was very not cool. I did take his advice not to touch it and so for the past 2 weeks I haven’t touched my rib… but two days ago I felt it and it’s worse. Mum, Laura and I have all looked at it and we can see that my right rib cage is flat and my left rib cage is sticking out; plus mum says it “feels funny”. Unfortunitely for me, it’s getting to the point where I can’t sit properly and have to slouch in my seat. On top of this I prefer lying as oppose to standing because it either hurts or is so uncomfortable… mum’s calling another doctor tomorrow and maybe we’ll get somewhere this time. Otherwise I may just have to attempt to go down to accident and emergency and see if they’ll just do an x-ray. Who knows… but I’ll appreciate your prayers… and I’m asking for lots of them!!!
Pranks… well, Justin Lowe and I decided to tell everyone we were in a relationship… which was pretty funny… our love affair ended with him saying “To all people that thought it was real Im sorry BLAME Akila Knight. To those who knew or thought it was a joke again BLAME Akila Knight!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU Akila Knight hahahahahahahahahahahahaha” … and me saying… “Justin Lowe it was beautiful whilst it lasted. Less than 24 hours and approximately 5 minutes of talk time… it’s not me… it’s you. Sorry! 😛 … plus… everyone knows who my true love is… FACEBOOK!”
Placement is going well… just over 2 weeks to go! Can’t believe how fast it’s flown by! Ellie one of the girls I work with who also completed a STEP programme on the ship earlier this year came over tonight for dinner. Was cool to hang out with her outside of work!
The weather here is amazing at the moment… Laura is looking so tanned ready for her prom. I’m being disciplined and working on essays indoors… I just keep telling myself “Aki… the quicker you get this work done the fast you can get to the point of spending the rest of your life outdoors in the sun!” … ahhhhh I can’t wait for university to be over for good!
Now, whilst I was in Holland I asked the girls a question… one upon a time all these people were trying to build a tower (Babel) to reach God… and God wasn’t happy about this and cause everyone to speak different languages… and today, we have built way taller buildings, with the rate technology is going we can talk and see people on demand… God never said he wouldn’t do something like the tower of Babel again… soooooo what was the point of causing disunity then if we were all gonna come together through technology in the future and build massimo sky scrapers? Will God cause something to happen in the future like the tower of babel? At what point will it be that God steps in? Maybe this question isnt clear… cant be bothered to rewrite it hahah.
Okies… my bed, my book, a movie, and a drink is calling my name… I’m going to respond. Toddles for now Peeps!
OK, this is a much awaited post I’m sure… and I have ALOT to update you all on that’s for sure! But because there’s so much I don’t think I’m gonna write in too much detail because I’ll be here forever! I’ve given this blog a theme… “names”.
Just over a week ago, about 13 people in Cumbria had their names splashed across global news after a guy went on a killing spree and killed 12 people. Here we are in little old Cumbria… population of less than 500,000 people and 30 miles down the road all these people get killed. So unexpected. So shocking. You’d imagine in it America or even maybe London but Cumbria?! That was just unreal!
On Friday the 4th of June it would have been the 1 year anniversary of when Fitz and I started “dating”. 1 year ago our names were placed on a little white piece of paper that announced to all those on the ship that Fitz and I had permission to “date”. I was slighty worried about being really sad on that Friday because Fitz and I were no longer together… but I actually had a pretty sweet day and wasn’t sad at all. Yey!
That Friday night I went with Laura and Dan to Mike’s grave… again it was such an intense reminder of how Mike suddenly died and how the name “Mike” was on so many people’s lips and in so many people’s thoughts… so crazy.
I had my name cleared. THAT was a very sweet and unexpected surprise. The girl I use to live with in my final year of university was unfortunately not very nice. I kept myself to myself and didn’t bitch about her even though she was spreading all these untrue things about me to our friends that lived in the same building and to my landlord. Which caused a bit of a difficult and distressing problem between me and landlord. But recently dad called him to find out how I can send back my keys and my landlord during their conversation informed my dad that he would like to apologise to me because he found out my flat mates true colours and that the things she had been saying he discovered were not true at all. He then told dad that I was a great tenant and if I ever need a recommendation he would be more than happy to write one for me. Yey! Thank you Jesus for caring about the details enough to clear my name even when I didn’t think to ask you for that!
I decided to save myself £25 and get mum to wax my legs for me before I went over to Holland for a wedding… and im sure I have never yelled mum’s name so many times in my life. I have no idea what she was doing but it has never hurt that much when I’ve been to a professional to get my legs waxed!!! I had to get her to stop half way through the last leg because I was covered in a bad allergy rash! PAIN!
And I went to Holland to hear two of my friends say “I do”. But I shall save that for another day 😀
I….plan…. to…. write… on…my…blog…SOON! I’m so busy at the minute it’s insane!!! But I do have a lot to write about when I next do!!! Watch this space!