So London was an adventure. Left around midday on Saturday and was back around 10pm Sunday night! Madness… But worth it. So what did I do? Well, the family and I were invited to speak at a church. The pastor is fast becoming a friend of the family as he is already organising his second visit to come and see us! Haha.
It was an interesting day… we had to talk about “Walking with God” and I was actually really struggling to think of what to talk about, and in true Akila style I finally worked out what I wanted to share 3 hours before having to talk! Actually, all the glory goes to God cos when I got there, the whole theme that the church was focusing on that morning was perfectly suited and centred around what I wanted to share. Laura shared her testimony and was really worried before hand about crying… and guess who ended up crying… me! ARGH!
It was a typical black church, totally had to smile. Why aren’t we all that free when we worship God? Anyways, what did I learn? Walking with God is an act of worship… but radical worship is the point of brokenness, angry, pain, frustration, confusion when all is stripped away, and we still standing with our arms high, heart abandoned, and soul surrendered to God. It’s a thought provoker cos actually, very few are fully sold our for Jesus and very few still chose to stand before God completely surrendered despite all the doubts they have about life, God, faith… it’s actually pretty disappointing how superficial we all can be in our relationship with God. Sounds pretty justifiable does it? People are forever telling meing God’s not speaking to them the way they want him to.
Can I be real honest? I lose interest in what they have to say pretty quickly. We live in a country and generation of “on demand”, we can watch tv on demand, eat on demand, get money on demand… what ever happened to perseverance? What ever happened to radical faith? whatever happened to saying ok God not in my timing but yours? Don’t get me wrong, I can totally relate to how frustrating it is, how insecure it can be when you have no idea how to move forward, what the right thing to do is… but when people chose to walk away from God because he doesn’t seem to talk to them in the way they would like… that… I find just unbelievably ridiculous on their part… and I’m talking about myself too because I once walked away for that reason.
I know, how harsh Akila to say something like that. But God never promised a happy path of warm fuzzy feelings. Don’t you wanna hear God say well done good and faithful servant and be rewarded in heaven for remaining faithful and fully sold out for Jesus despite the hard times? And knowing that those words were truly meant like no other? And again, don’t get me wrong, a radical walk with God isn’t about how many people you convert or how many times you go to church… it’s about one foot in front of the other trying to seek God.
anyways i’m rambling. i met some pretty cool people yesterday, and i felt so welcomed in the church which was so sweet! everyone was so friendly!!! honestly this weekend has been so awesome and i’ve felt happy. not just joyful, cos you can always be joyful, but happy. so i’m enjoying the moment! i worked on an essay today and got another 1000 words finished. will clean my room and go over what I wrote. The next two days i’ll be focusing on another 1000 words. joy! Ah… every step forward is one step closer to the finish!
So I have about 5 miutes to write this post as I’m off to London for 24 hours. Yesterday was such an awesome day, honestly it was the best day I’ve had in a very long time. I finally got on top of any out standing jobs at work which was good! After work I went to the park to teach swing danc which was a laugh. I tried to be the man for “Around the World” with Laura and she ended up flat on her back with my landing on her ribs haha, was pretty funny. After swing we stayed in the park for an MTO picnic which again was such a laugh to just hangout and talk. We ended up staying there together for 3 1/2 hours! Time flew! No one was ready to say goodbye but it was cold so we all walked up to my house and dad had a fire going. We all ended up talking for 5 hours! The last people went home at 1am! Was such a good time.
We played never have I ever, we asked individuals hot seat questions… and dad asked me what annoyed me about Laura and what I like about Laura… which turned the whole thing rather serious as I shared how much it ment to me that Laura held me for 45minutes as I cried and freaked out outside the door of the room were Mike’s body was. It ment so much to me that she was so strong for me… Laura thenshared some of her thoughts whilst sitting around the fire about that day we went to see his body… and she ended up in tears. We all talked abou Mike, life, our purpose here on Earth… it was so good to hear people’s thoughts and where they’re at with things. Was just a very special moment between us all, must of been about 15 of us in the end including mum and dad… anyways, yea, was just a very special evening and I went to bed very very happy. I want to spend the rest of my life sitting around the fire talking to people… nothing like it! 🙂
So today I was finally getting on top of my slightly piled up work load until I was walking back to work from visiting a client when I suddenly remembered today was the last day I could return a dress I bought. Thank God it was 4.30pm, time for me to finish work and that I remembered otherwise I’d be out £55! Argh! But then it was a manic drama of getting my sister and her friend to go back to the house (because they were closer to the house than me), get the dress, and bring it to me… only when they got to the house they realised they were locked out and so they had to jump in the car, come get me from work cos i had spare keys, me grab the dress, and then everyone leg it into town again before it was too late!!! Serious encomic crisis! 😉
My rib has been hurting me today… still… but i tink it’s getting worse so when Laura and i got back from town i mentioned it to mum who felt my rib and called the doctor. Because i dont have a doctor (im on the waiting list) they gave me the number for what i think is a government run doctor and mum will call tomorrow for me… so hopefully we’ll get to the bottom of the problem sooner than later! i’m just glad mum and Laura are feeling this lump and that its not my imagination! i just hope it isnt anything serious… but then again i cant for the life of me work out what it is! maybe it’ll be like “my big fat greek wedding” and they’ll find my twin inside my rib or something! a physical crisis!
I’m not having an emotional or mental crisis today…yey! although i’ve had some pretty awesome emails from people regarding my “Sleepless thoughts” post. I’ll have to find time to respond but know I’ve received them, read them, and was touched 🙂 thank you. i think england has permanent weather crises! food crisis! i made pasta for the family and we didnt have enough sauce… gutted! nothing a load of cheese and garlic bread couldn’t sort of make up for the lack of flavour! there are quite a few people i know that are having a crisis over “Lost” now that it’s come to an end lol. I’m having a craving crisis for chocolate but im kind of obsessed about my weight.
ok i’m rambling… I’ll save you from it! ciao gente!
I found this post on the vulnerability of a moment and I really liked it 🙂
And for a picture of the day…
So tonight is another sleepless night… so much for planning on an early night and getting up at 4am to do school work! My thoughts have been an interesting trail tonight.
I’ve been thinking about Mike… about that morning… I havent really thought about that morning in a while now. But tonight was kinda different. I just can’t relate to it. I could tell it in the third person. As though it never happened to me. I feel like my feelings and emotions are so detached. Tonight was the first time I thought about that morning without crying. The only thing that makes it somewhat real to me is remembering that feeling of not being able to breath when I was told about Mike. I’ve never felt that “hysterical” before… maybe I’ve never had a reason to be. But it was just so weird how shock took over… even before I was told the news. I was shaking so badly, I laugh when I get nervous but all I seem to remember is gasps… For air? Out of shock? I don’t know. In strange ways I wish I could go back to that morning. At least I wasn’t alone like I am now. At least I wasn’t numb back then.
I’ve been struggling with blogging and talking to people lately cos I feel like I’ve hit “the wall” with my emotions. I don’t seem to have any right now. Just numb. It’s not particularly bothering me cos being numb means you don’t have a feeling about something! I heard something interesting the other day from someone I work with. A client was grieving a family member two years after they died and according to my colleague this client’s emotions were chronic. I didn’t think anything at the time but… i don’t think you really ever fully get over someone dying.
Maybe its like what they say at AA… your always an alcoholic, that doesn’t change, your just not drunk anymore. I think someones death will always be with you in one way or another. it’s a part of who you are. it still really bothers me that if I get married one day then the guy wont have been a part of my life during this time… and this time is important to me. i want him to understand this part of my life. but then again… maybe i would be thinking that that cos i’m still in this stage of my life and maybe down the line i’ll feel differently. i dunno. i wish i could sleep… maybe i have some sort of “chronic sleeping something or other disorder”!
you know… maybe i’m scared about something… i havent really thought about this until now but… life is full of challenges right? and usually the way challenges work is they start off relatively easy and each new challenge becomes a bit more difficult yea? well what the heck is there left for me?! I’ve already had some pretty mental challenges, how could it get any more difficult?! what’s god gonna throw in my path next?! im not saying i’ve had it majority bad but for a 21 year old my life adventures have been pretty good going so far! in the last 3 years alone these adventures that have been somewhat out my control have involved a cancer scare; other major health issues; being told i might need a hysterectomy; also being told i might not have kids; witnessing a gang rape; had a couple sexual abuse incidences; my brother died; self esteem and self image issues; other significant loss… and that’s only skimming the surface. i’m not for one minute saying oh poor me everyone feel sorry for me… but i am thinking to myself hmmmm, if challenges get harder then flip me whats coming next?
it makes me think i don’t want this life style… maybe there’s a part of me that doesn’t what the life god has for me… maybe i have a fear of what’s to possible come so i deliberately dont grow my relationship with god any further than what it is because i can rationally tell myself i’m still on the “milk” stages of life and not the “solids”… i’m not saying that is what i’m doing but it’s got me thinking… i know god will never give me something i cant handle and i can fully saying before god that jesus was with me every step of the way with mike’s death… and i know trials develop character and perseverance etc…
But, if god is allowing all these things to happen in my life then what’s my purpose? i refuse to believe someone goes through all these things in life in vain. so how is god gonna use all these things in my life? maybe this blog sounds completely egocentric which isn’t what it’s suppose to be at all… i guess i’m just trying to process things and basically say god, im afraid. i feel like im in a no win situation, either way life is gonna be hard. i don’t wanna keep going through all these trials but… if i dont put myself in your hands then these trials will kill me. maybe you cant escape them. in which case i know i need you all the way.
I’m tired now… maybe I’ll be able to sleep this time!
“Our only kiss was like an accident – a beautiful gasoline rainbow”
“I’ve been places but I want to go everywhere.”
“Spend life with who makes you happy, not who you have to impress.”
“Trust me, I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it’s like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart, for everything to hurt so bad you just want it all to end…”
“I think your name is magical…”
“You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.”
“Just because she comes off strong, doesn’t mean she didn’t fall asleep crying; and even though she acts like nothing is wrong, maybe she’s just really good at lying.”
“I am perfectly content with a good book and a hot cup of coffee.”
“I take comfort in the fact that when it’s 1am and I’m awake because I want to be alone, the people who are also awake are the people who understand and I’m not really alone.”
“It’s never too late to be who you might have been.” – George Eliot.
“We all have stories we never tell.”
“I’m too young to feel this old.”
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks then why is there a light in the fridge?”
“I want to be beautiful. Make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart and be amazed. I want to hear you say. Who I am is quite enough. Just to be worthy of love and beautiful.”
“I wish I could see you tomorrow… even for just a second.”
“I’m tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here!”
“I wanted to type something that would make people think or feel or become alive or be less sad. But I couldn’t think of anything. I’m sorry.”
“I remember every word you told me. I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“I can’t sleep at night.”
“It’s sweet when someone knows every single detail about you. Not because you constantly remind them, but because they pay attention.”
“I don’t want phenomenal love expression and expressive gifts and romantic moonlight walks and songs you wrote just for me and calls every 5 minutes to tell me you miss me… I simply want you. For the rest we’ll see.”
So again… I had good intentions to do school work today only it was perfect sunbathing weather and unfortunately for school work… making a paddling pool out of the jacuzzi took priority. After a manic week of emergencies at work I don’t feel too bad about it. I was in desperate need of chill out time! I’ll do a wee bit of school work tonight then an early night to bed and get up early to do more school work before another afternoon of sun tanning tomorrow! Woop Woop!
“I think what’s amazing is you don’t realise how much you love someone or what life means to you until your eyes are ripped open and they will never heal back to ignorance and naivety. Forever you will walk knowing knowledge, feeling emotions, and desiring something deeper than anything you can ever imagine. It’s a pain inexpressible, but also the greatest sobering blessing I have ever received… I am actually praying that God takes us all through this journey at some point in our lives” – Me.
This is Akila Knight reporting live from “The Living Room”. In the news today we have….
Pizzerias in Naples have been accused of using coffins to cook pizza – thank goodness I don’t eat pizza!
Paris Hilton almost ended up starkers at a party – again, surprise surprise… remind me why is she famous?!
A 16 year old boys kills himself by throwing himself in front of a train after being told he couldn’t go on holiday with his mates – I wont comment on this.
Cheryl Cole is breaking off her marriage in true divorce style… by going on the rebound with Will.I.Am – common Cherly I know your gutted about your love rate of an ex husband but after being voted the sexiest woman in the world two years running by FHM I’m sure you can do better than Will.I.Am!
Grannie was fined £50 for picking up the wrong dog poo… even though she picked her dog poo also – the government needs to get a life!
A bus driver almost runs over a baby in the middle of the road after she crawled out of her bed and home into the road – right… sence the sarcasm people, where the heck were the parents!
A curry chef has been using swans for food – honestly I’m becoming scared of eating out these days!
A young mother died after doctors fail to spot toilet brush handle lodged in her buttock – ok… I serious don’t wanna know how it got there!
…But enough from me! Onto the weather…
I think I’m falling in love…
I think God did a pretty sweet job making the world and life… I can’t wait to keep living and exploring it!
I have heaps of random things to update you all with but it’s remembering it all that’s going to be the mission! So… I had good intentions for the weekend… get on with school work, but instead the weather has been amazingly hot and swing dance took a priority! It’s been so much fun! Laura even got punched in the face at one point! Brilliant!
As I mentioned before I’ve noticed something “odd” about my rib and it still feels strange and really hurts. Laura took a look and goes “oh my gosh akila it actually looks really different to the other side” … and mum felt it and thought there might be an issue…. Great! Haven’t a clue what’s wrong with me other than the last rib on the left side has a lump that hurts… I can’t go to the doctor because I don’t have a doctor! Argh! I’m on the waiting list… only a few months to go! I still feel really sick… this is lame…. Oh and I’m suppose to go get my eyes checked and I know I need new glasses but I cant afford new glasses so I’m just gonna walk around half blind 😛
Yesterday was a very very very…VERY tragic day. I discovered I lost my Lilo and Stitch dvd!!! This is major heart breaking news!!! I was really looking forward to belting out some tunes but nope!… it’s disappeard! On the subject of Lilo and Stitch mum once came up to me and said she couldn’t find the dvd case for “Ollie and Stripe” … wow… I’ve never let her live that one down! Wanna know something else that’s pretty random… I listen to lion king tunes on my mp3 😛
There’s heaps going on at work that is requiring brain cells… hospitals discharging clients without home care in place, miscommunication between clients and services, random family members getting involved when they have no legal right to deny a client’s support when the client has already discussed it with social services and agreed to it… ah… today I came home and crawled into bed… bad crack if you ask me!
My future is becoming clearer… I think. I now have a name for the direction I wanna go… restoration ministry! And writing my story is definitely moving up the priority scale as university draws closer to the end each day. I would love to go away somewhere and just write for a couple weeks. A cottage in the English country, a beach house on the Aussie coast… or maybe we could go all out and do it Tarzan style in a tree house… only I’ll be Jane!
And now on a serious note. I’ve been realising today that I don’t think about Mike much anymore. By that I mean like once a day instead of every minute of everyday haha. It still doesn’t seem real though… but then what does seem real? It doesn’t feel like Mike’s gone, it doesn’t feel like I was ever on the ship… there’s a lot that doesn’t feel real in life…. I’ll eventually get through university and be like “woah, it doesn’t feel like I’ve finished”. I think I’m moving on in life… or maybe I’m so fed of hurting and life problems that I force myself to go numb and not feel or think about things Haha. In so many respects I feel like I’m bogged down in all sorts of negative things in life with the situations work presents, Mike, and a whole bunch of other things that I just wanna rip my hair out scream “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE!!!” But I’m not gonna do that… for today I’m gonna say “Screw It” instead and go find me some fun for the rest of the evening 🙂 I’ll deal with life and me tomorrow 🙂
I have some really weird dreams… I gotta say. I know I’m not the only one haha. But like… often I’ll just be doing something random and what I dreamt from the night before will suddenly come rushing back… and I’ll be like… “what the heck was that all about?!” I’ve been wondering lately… can Satan influence your dreams? Reason why I ask is I know of so many people who struggle with sleeping and dream some horrific things… and others in the room can feel a really heavy or dark presence in the room… and by dark I don’t mean light!
When my house was broken at university, it really shook me up. I stayed over at a guy friend’s place that night and I had a dream where I was in a dark room… and there was a person. He was wearing all black and he turned his face to me. I cannot for the life of me describe it other than his face was so beautiful… like porcelain… but at the same time, so evil… I woke up to my friend shaking me awake because I was screaming. What was really weird was he said, “I thought you saw a ghost“. Now here’s a guy that doesn’t believe in god and I just thought it was kinda weird he thought I saw a ghost…
Since then I’ve wondered can you see satan in your dreams. I know I love my CSI but I stay away from horror movies and stuff because they creep me out too much… I don’t have a stomach for blood in those contexts either. In fact my university mates tried to get me to watch Dead End once… it’s the stupidest movie ever… you don’t see anything… but it didn’t stop me from yelling the place down every two seconds. I was scaring my mates more than the movie haha! Brilliant! But the point is I’m not sure I have the imagination to think up of what that person looked like in my dream…
Anyways… just a question I had about dreams
Ok, so I was a bit of a Roswell fan haha… I use to love this version of In The Air by Phil Collins, I still like it… bums me out that it was never released as a full song!
The following conversation took place between me and a friend. I decided to blog it because…
1. Girls – this is the truth that you need to speak into your own lives… be encouraged by it!
2. Guys – this is what girls look for in a guy, piece of advice… when you are ready you need to step up and be that man 🙂
You might need to click on the picture to enlarge it so it’s readable! 🙂
Boy – Can I tell you something?
Girl – Ok?
Boy – Guys are wanderers, we seek the next big adventure, we lose track and let go because we don’t know how to balance. That’s the thing, you deserve to be wanted. When I see you, I see a woman ready to be loved.
Girl – Really?
Boy – Yes. I want to see a man loving you who had to search through God for you! A man who would fight for you. Many are not ready to be that man. You are worth it. And there is a guy that will go through hell and back… FOR YOU… God has one awesome and in my opinion, one very lucky guy out there for you. One whose arms are yearning to hold you… whether he knows it or not…
I have a phobia… of fish! Yes it’s true! Bethia played a prank on me while I was on the ship involving a fish head and I ended up in the hospital cabin for a week! 😛 So in honour of my phobia I saw these which I thought were pretty cool… and in order to try and get over my fear of fish, I’m gonna commit to touching a fish with my finger tip in Australia if the opportunity arises! Haha. Just to clarify… I’m scared of fish touching me. I don’t mind seeing them 😛
Today was an interesting day… I found something out that didn’t make a lot of sense; we had a swing practice which was absolutely brilliant… hands were certainly misguided at one point… awkward!… but a hilarious memory; and I have a suffocating longing in my heart for something more…
I don’t feel like writing much today… I feel lost and wish someone would find me…
Hmmm… so, you know when you wanna be honest and share some of the things that are on your mind, or that you struggle with but you’re worried about what people are gonna think or if you’re gonna be a burden on them? Well, I’m the same… I like blogging cos it frees up some of the awkwardness and guilt but still… it’s scary and believe it or not I actually struggle with telling people how I am or about the things I struggle with… SO… I have been working on pictures!!! They say a picture paints a thousand words and thank goodness because it means I can explore how I feel through vision rather than words! Genius I tell you! Too bad I’m not the first to think of that! So… with this “theme” I guess it’s something that I think about daily, some days are good days, other days are bad days, and everyday there’ are secrets, dreams, and longings that I carry inside… I’m sure you can relate. That’s why there are a mixture of pictures which I will leave it up to you to interpret them. If you click on the picture it makes it bigger… might help with some of the writings! Hope you find some encouragement in there! I enjoyed thinking through each picture!
Why is it that nothing happens and then it all happens at the same time? For the past week my case load has been relatively straight forward and today I was just quietly getting on with bits and pieces at my desk… then all of a sudden… two yellow sheets of paper with my new clients details on them arrives! Which I was happy about. So I leg it up to the hospital with a load of things to now plan and organise… but both my clients are busy. Argh! So I came home because I am back unable to do anything now until tomorrow… and tomorrow is gonna be a manic day! I’m sure I will have heaps to up date you on! 🙂
So… I will now get on with a little more school work again… ahhh. 35 working days left of placement. So strange! P.S. Dad’s been blogging his adventures in the Caribbean… so unfair. I wanna be on the beach in see through blue waters drinking a beer through a snorkel! Don’t believe me? Check out his blog! mkknight.com 😉
So I said I would totally party with Eric Szmanda… then I found this clip of him in a rave!!! BHAHAHAH! Brilliant!!! Start the video @ 1 minute 50 seconds 😉
AHHHHH… I’m in my happy place now!! I can’t wait to share all these special moments with a guy in the future! 😛 And guess what… I’m not Miss. Independent after all!!! 😉
I’m loving this song!!