So London was an adventure. Left around midday on Saturday and was back around 10pm Sunday night! Madness… But worth it. So what did I do? Well, the family and I were invited to speak at a church. The pastor is fast becoming a friend of the family as he is already organising his second visit to come and see us! Haha.
It was an interesting day… we had to talk about “Walking with God” and I was actually really struggling to think of what to talk about, and in true Akila style I finally worked out what I wanted to share 3 hours before having to talk! Actually, all the glory goes to God cos when I got there, the whole theme that the church was focusing on that morning was perfectly suited and centred around what I wanted to share. Laura shared her testimony and was really worried before hand about crying… and guess who ended up crying… me! ARGH!
It was a typical black church, totally had to smile. Why aren’t we all that free when we worship God? Anyways, what did I learn? Walking with God is an act of worship… but radical worship is the point of brokenness, angry, pain, frustration, confusion when all is stripped away, and we still standing with our arms high, heart abandoned, and soul surrendered to God. It’s a thought provoker cos actually, very few are fully sold our for Jesus and very few still chose to stand before God completely surrendered despite all the doubts they have about life, God, faith… it’s actually pretty disappointing how superficial we all can be in our relationship with God. Sounds pretty justifiable does it? People are forever telling meing God’s not speaking to them the way they want him to.
Can I be real honest? I lose interest in what they have to say pretty quickly. We live in a country and generation of “on demand”, we can watch tv on demand, eat on demand, get money on demand… what ever happened to perseverance? What ever happened to radical faith? whatever happened to saying ok God not in my timing but yours? Don’t get me wrong, I can totally relate to how frustrating it is, how insecure it can be when you have no idea how to move forward, what the right thing to do is… but when people chose to walk away from God because he doesn’t seem to talk to them in the way they would like… that… I find just unbelievably ridiculous on their part… and I’m talking about myself too because I once walked away for that reason.
I know, how harsh Akila to say something like that. But God never promised a happy path of warm fuzzy feelings. Don’t you wanna hear God say well done good and faithful servant and be rewarded in heaven for remaining faithful and fully sold out for Jesus despite the hard times? And knowing that those words were truly meant like no other? And again, don’t get me wrong, a radical walk with God isn’t about how many people you convert or how many times you go to church… it’s about one foot in front of the other trying to seek God.
anyways i’m rambling. i met some pretty cool people yesterday, and i felt so welcomed in the church which was so sweet! everyone was so friendly!!! honestly this weekend has been so awesome and i’ve felt happy. not just joyful, cos you can always be joyful, but happy. so i’m enjoying the moment! i worked on an essay today and got another 1000 words finished. will clean my room and go over what I wrote. The next two days i’ll be focusing on another 1000 words. joy! Ah… every step forward is one step closer to the finish!
So I have about 5 miutes to write this post as I’m off to London for 24 hours. Yesterday was such an awesome day, honestly it was the best day I’ve had in a very long time. I finally got on top of any out standing jobs at work which was good! After work I went to the park to teach swing danc which was a laugh. I tried to be the man for “Around the World” with Laura and she ended up flat on her back with my landing on her ribs haha, was pretty funny. After swing we stayed in the park for an MTO picnic which again was such a laugh to just hangout and talk. We ended up staying there together for 3 1/2 hours! Time flew! No one was ready to say goodbye but it was cold so we all walked up to my house and dad had a fire going. We all ended up talking for 5 hours! The last people went home at 1am! Was such a good time.
We played never have I ever, we asked individuals hot seat questions… and dad asked me what annoyed me about Laura and what I like about Laura… which turned the whole thing rather serious as I shared how much it ment to me that Laura held me for 45minutes as I cried and freaked out outside the door of the room were Mike’s body was. It ment so much to me that she was so strong for me… Laura thenshared some of her thoughts whilst sitting around the fire about that day we went to see his body… and she ended up in tears. We all talked abou Mike, life, our purpose here on Earth… it was so good to hear people’s thoughts and where they’re at with things. Was just a very special moment between us all, must of been about 15 of us in the end including mum and dad… anyways, yea, was just a very special evening and I went to bed very very happy. I want to spend the rest of my life sitting around the fire talking to people… nothing like it! 🙂
So today I was finally getting on top of my slightly piled up work load until I was walking back to work from visiting a client when I suddenly remembered today was the last day I could return a dress I bought. Thank God it was 4.30pm, time for me to finish work and that I remembered otherwise I’d be out £55! Argh! But then it was a manic drama of getting my sister and her friend to go back to the house (because they were closer to the house than me), get the dress, and bring it to me… only when they got to the house they realised they were locked out and so they had to jump in the car, come get me from work cos i had spare keys, me grab the dress, and then everyone leg it into town again before it was too late!!! Serious encomic crisis! 😉
My rib has been hurting me today… still… but i tink it’s getting worse so when Laura and i got back from town i mentioned it to mum who felt my rib and called the doctor. Because i dont have a doctor (im on the waiting list) they gave me the number for what i think is a government run doctor and mum will call tomorrow for me… so hopefully we’ll get to the bottom of the problem sooner than later! i’m just glad mum and Laura are feeling this lump and that its not my imagination! i just hope it isnt anything serious… but then again i cant for the life of me work out what it is! maybe it’ll be like “my big fat greek wedding” and they’ll find my twin inside my rib or something! a physical crisis!
I’m not having an emotional or mental crisis today…yey! although i’ve had some pretty awesome emails from people regarding my “Sleepless thoughts” post. I’ll have to find time to respond but know I’ve received them, read them, and was touched 🙂 thank you. i think england has permanent weather crises! food crisis! i made pasta for the family and we didnt have enough sauce… gutted! nothing a load of cheese and garlic bread couldn’t sort of make up for the lack of flavour! there are quite a few people i know that are having a crisis over “Lost” now that it’s come to an end lol. I’m having a craving crisis for chocolate but im kind of obsessed about my weight.
ok i’m rambling… I’ll save you from it! ciao gente!
I found this post on the vulnerability of a moment and I really liked it 🙂
And for a picture of the day…
So tonight is another sleepless night… so much for planning on an early night and getting up at 4am to do school work! My thoughts have been an interesting trail tonight.
I’ve been thinking about Mike… about that morning… I havent really thought about that morning in a while now. But tonight was kinda different. I just can’t relate to it. I could tell it in the third person. As though it never happened to me. I feel like my feelings and emotions are so detached. Tonight was the first time I thought about that morning without crying. The only thing that makes it somewhat real to me is remembering that feeling of not being able to breath when I was told about Mike. I’ve never felt that “hysterical” before… maybe I’ve never had a reason to be. But it was just so weird how shock took over… even before I was told the news. I was shaking so badly, I laugh when I get nervous but all I seem to remember is gasps… For air? Out of shock? I don’t know. In strange ways I wish I could go back to that morning. At least I wasn’t alone like I am now. At least I wasn’t numb back then.
I’ve been struggling with blogging and talking to people lately cos I feel like I’ve hit “the wall” with my emotions. I don’t seem to have any right now. Just numb. It’s not particularly bothering me cos being numb means you don’t have a feeling about something! I heard something interesting the other day from someone I work with. A client was grieving a family member two years after they died and according to my colleague this client’s emotions were chronic. I didn’t think anything at the time but… i don’t think you really ever fully get over someone dying.
Maybe its like what they say at AA… your always an alcoholic, that doesn’t change, your just not drunk anymore. I think someones death will always be with you in one way or another. it’s a part of who you are. it still really bothers me that if I get married one day then the guy wont have been a part of my life during this time… and this time is important to me. i want him to understand this part of my life. but then again… maybe i would be thinking that that cos i’m still in this stage of my life and maybe down the line i’ll feel differently. i dunno. i wish i could sleep… maybe i have some sort of “chronic sleeping something or other disorder”!
you know… maybe i’m scared about something… i havent really thought about this until now but… life is full of challenges right? and usually the way challenges work is they start off relatively easy and each new challenge becomes a bit more difficult yea? well what the heck is there left for me?! I’ve already had some pretty mental challenges, how could it get any more difficult?! what’s god gonna throw in my path next?! im not saying i’ve had it majority bad but for a 21 year old my life adventures have been pretty good going so far! in the last 3 years alone these adventures that have been somewhat out my control have involved a cancer scare; other major health issues; being told i might need a hysterectomy; also being told i might not have kids; witnessing a gang rape; had a couple sexual abuse incidences; my brother died; self esteem and self image issues; other significant loss… and that’s only skimming the surface. i’m not for one minute saying oh poor me everyone feel sorry for me… but i am thinking to myself hmmmm, if challenges get harder then flip me whats coming next?
it makes me think i don’t want this life style… maybe there’s a part of me that doesn’t what the life god has for me… maybe i have a fear of what’s to possible come so i deliberately dont grow my relationship with god any further than what it is because i can rationally tell myself i’m still on the “milk” stages of life and not the “solids”… i’m not saying that is what i’m doing but it’s got me thinking… i know god will never give me something i cant handle and i can fully saying before god that jesus was with me every step of the way with mike’s death… and i know trials develop character and perseverance etc…
But, if god is allowing all these things to happen in my life then what’s my purpose? i refuse to believe someone goes through all these things in life in vain. so how is god gonna use all these things in my life? maybe this blog sounds completely egocentric which isn’t what it’s suppose to be at all… i guess i’m just trying to process things and basically say god, im afraid. i feel like im in a no win situation, either way life is gonna be hard. i don’t wanna keep going through all these trials but… if i dont put myself in your hands then these trials will kill me. maybe you cant escape them. in which case i know i need you all the way.
I’m tired now… maybe I’ll be able to sleep this time!
“Our only kiss was like an accident – a beautiful gasoline rainbow”
“I’ve been places but I want to go everywhere.”
“Spend life with who makes you happy, not who you have to impress.”
“Trust me, I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it’s like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart, for everything to hurt so bad you just want it all to end…”
“I think your name is magical…”
“You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.”
“Just because she comes off strong, doesn’t mean she didn’t fall asleep crying; and even though she acts like nothing is wrong, maybe she’s just really good at lying.”
“I am perfectly content with a good book and a hot cup of coffee.”
“I take comfort in the fact that when it’s 1am and I’m awake because I want to be alone, the people who are also awake are the people who understand and I’m not really alone.”
“It’s never too late to be who you might have been.” – George Eliot.
“We all have stories we never tell.”
“I’m too young to feel this old.”
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks then why is there a light in the fridge?”
“I want to be beautiful. Make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart and be amazed. I want to hear you say. Who I am is quite enough. Just to be worthy of love and beautiful.”
“I wish I could see you tomorrow… even for just a second.”
“I’m tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here!”
“I wanted to type something that would make people think or feel or become alive or be less sad. But I couldn’t think of anything. I’m sorry.”
“I remember every word you told me. I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“I can’t sleep at night.”
“It’s sweet when someone knows every single detail about you. Not because you constantly remind them, but because they pay attention.”
“I don’t want phenomenal love expression and expressive gifts and romantic moonlight walks and songs you wrote just for me and calls every 5 minutes to tell me you miss me… I simply want you. For the rest we’ll see.”