Step Into My World…

Archive for April, 2010

So Good!

Hey!

Wow… what a turn around in like a matter of hours! God certainly is faithful. Oh sure life still hurts BUT i have pretty cool news! Coming up I’m going to Holland for a wedding in June; then MTO in the Summer which will be in Holland/Belgium/Germany; and then I’m off to the Land down under! Australia! Woop woop! Towards the end of the summer… First time in 5 years! But get this… it’s going to be a bit of an adventure as I stop off in Dubai and South Africa along the way… not that I’m actually getting out the airport… maybe I could pray my flight gets cancelled for a week so I can hang out in South Africa! I’m also meeting up with Bethia when I’m in Australia after I see my family!! YEAAA!!! I’ve never been over to Perth… I’ve heard the beaches are pretty awesome… AND to top it all off… because I’m not staying in Perth as long as I originally planned… I might actually graduate in time!! YEAAA!!… Oh, and also… I’ve had a thought about the future… 🙂 Thanks for praying everyone 🙂 Please continue to do so as I’m having major ups and downs but I just wanted to share this because God is good 🙂

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Torn

Hey!

So, I’ve been faced with a bit of a dilemma recently. Between Fitz and my blog, I could always be honest and talk about things. But now… Fitz isn’t in the picture and well… my blog… I always write honestly about things on my mind and how do I share my feelings and thoughts at this moment in time in regards to Fitz without doing more harm to our situation? So I’ve just avoided blogging… but not writing isn’t helping me. LOL Argh!!!

As many of you have asked, how are you? Well… I’m very confused about “love”; rejection is bloody painful; I don’t know more than ever about my life; I don’t understand why I keep going through stuff in life; all this has bought up so much more in regards to Mike dying; I have so much school work to do and it’s the last thing I wanna do… in fact when I think about all that it sends me into a total panic and I’d rather walk away from everything in life; Heaven seems more and more attractive as the crap of life rolls on…

One person said to me last night “I’m so sorry Akila, Life seems so unfair to some people.” My response? ” Haha… you’re tell me lol! Hmmm, it could be worse.” People always tell me I’m so stong and independent… and like that its a negative thing… and I’m like “um well look at my life and then you’ll understand that God is the only one I trust”. But I don’t even understand God at times… I wish I could go away and just be with God.

… I’m really struggling to find left from right, up from down, I wish I could just spiral down into a mental break down and then I could just get out everything inside me that I can’t seem to get out… at least it will all be out my control… at least if I have a break down I have a justifiable excuse for walking away from university, from pressures, from life… but on the other side I haven’t reached the point of breaking down which means I still have some rational to me… I’ve fought so hard to get to the end of university and I only have one last big mountain to climb… God’s bought me so far that it’s like God… please just get me out of these past 4 years into calm and still waters. I’m fast coming to a crossroad in life of finishing university and starting the path of trying to reach my calling… I need God to guide my paths… but man… I feel so torn up and broken.

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the Earth. He never grows tired or weary. No one can measure the depths His understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to powerless.  Even youths will become tired and weak, and young men will fall in exhaustion; but those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31


Footprints in the Sand…

You walked with me,
Footprints in the sand,
And helped me understand,
Where I’m going,

You walked with me,
When I was all alone,
With so much unknown,
Along the way,
Then I heard you say,

I promise you,
I’m always there,
When your heart is filled with sorrow,
And despair, I’ll carry you
When you need a friend
You’ll find my footprints in the sand.

I see my life flash across the sky,
So many times have I been so afraid.
And just when I, have thought I lost my way,
You gave me strength to carry on,
That’s when I heard you say,

I promise you
I’m always there
When your heart is filled
With sorrow and despair
And, I’ll carry you
When you need a friend
You’ll find my footprints in the sand.

When I’m with you,
Well I know you’ve been there,
And I can feel you when you say,

I promise you (you)
I’m always there
When your heart is filled (when your heart)
With sadness and despair (and despair)
I’ll carry you when you need a friend (need a friend)
You’ll find my footprints in the sand. (I promise you)

Ohh. (I’m always there)

When your heart is full of
Sadness and despair, (and despair)
I’ll carry you when you need a friend. (I’ll carry you)
You’ll find my footprints in the sand.


Sudden.

Hey!

Ahhh… you have all bombed me with love and questions… how I hate it but at the same time somewhat grateful. So in response to everyone’s comments and thoughts etc….As some of you saw on Facebook in the past two days, I’m no longer in a relationship with Fitzy. Unlike what some of you thought, it is definitely NOT a joke. I have thought through many things in the past 36 hours… But I think I’ve come to realise a few things for the time being… One of these things is I don’t really have anything to say right now. I know you want the juicy details but please don’t ask me for them. Please don’t ask me how I am either for now. Be there for me, pray for me, encourage me, talk to me… but don’t ask me how I am. That question right now, I wouldn’t know where to begin to explain how I am. Don’t worry, if you do ask I won’t bite haha… but how I am is too painful to share right now. Thank you everyone for all the support though, really do appreciate it 🙂


Blah

Hey!

What shall I write about today…. blah blah blah…writing is not what i wanna do today. i wanna sleep… so i’m going to…after i right this blah blah blah. watched two for the money tonight. that wasn’t so blah. work was blah in the morning but busy in the afternoon. My brain feels like blah… i have a study day tomorrow so i’m not working… somehow i gotta push past the blah and get my head down to actually do school work… which i very very very blah. why is it when you need drive and motivation you get blah instead? i think i like the work blah.


One of My Secret Loves

Hey!

I just realised I have a secret love… but firstly I gotta tell you the lead up story!… but before I do that, I just gotta say, I think a fly flew down my ear. The one thing I hate about summer are the mosquitos and bees…and wasps…ok that was three things. Ok, so today I lean forward and put some weight on my left arm and suddenly gasped in pain…my sister looked at me really weirdly. Seriously, it was a gasp, totally took my breath away. The pain was right in that joint where your arm meets your shoulder.

Then I forgot about it, and I did it again, this time worse… so much so that the gasp almost left me speechless…. this time Laura told me to take a paracetamol…. so here’s where my secret love comes in! MEDICINE!! no….not paracetamol. I’m actually really good with medication… I avoid it!!!! unless I really have to take it. I’m scared of my liver…or kidneys… I gotta save what the alcohol hasn’t killed. But I LOVE my cough mixtures and ointments… especially tiger balm, aromatherapy (both of which are not medicine, however, that could be just a matter of opinion) and this funky “electric chinese medicine”…

I cant read it… it’s in chinese… but it works like a heat ointment on the muscle. it feels more cold than hot actually… i like the way they smell… actually, i got a bit happy once when i drank a bottle of cough mixture once too haha. i didnt mean too! my chest hurt! …. i like sniffing my arm…. this chinese stuff clears my sinuses!!


The Abuse Post

Hey!

I got a asked today about my “Abuse” post… https://akilaknight.wordpress.com/2009/10/21/abuse/ and the question was really “What’s the story behind it”… so here’s my answer.

Well, firstly, I took the photo after a university lecture end of last year. Just a simple camera set up in my room. Simple camera… anyone can relate; bedroom = closed doors. The writing are words of abuse written on my hand that’s hiding my face. why?
 
black permanent marker = poison. Abuse can seriously affect people and for many, whatever they do, they cant escape their past or circumstances. No matter how hard they try. hence the reason for big bold writing. I wrote it on my hand because, i don’t know about you, but i hate touching gross things, my hand never feels clean afterwards. whatever i touched feels like it’s been imbedded in the skin of my hand… same with abuse. many victims feel disgusted, grossed, wronged, impure, dirty, captive… everything that is the opposite of free… no matter how hard they try to escape or “wash their hands” they cant get rid of it.
 
Why’s it hiding my face? Abuse is silent, abuse strips you of dignity, worth, your identity. You’re nothing, no one. But there’s another angle that i thought. go back to the dirty hands thing. what victims forget is they have power. They do have the power to move on. they do have the power to rise up. do they? no. why…good question… i don’t have a simple answer. people forget that they can wash their hands. painful. may take a lot of washing. but they can be free. the impure hand not only becomes your identity… but it makes you blind. this concept is similar to addiction.
 
in terms of the words… after taking the photo and putting it up i wish i used the phrase stand up against abuse. why? well, its interesting your title is “loud mouth”. when i read that i thought of people who abuse the subject of abuse and cry wolf. they walk around pretending they’re suffering or have suffered but really it’s attention. which in itself is an outward expression of a deeper emotion. so really… people need to stand up against it rather than speak out cos who do you trust? it’s just words. empty words with no meaning. victims need to see positive actions that lead to positive change in their lives…

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