Step Into My World…

Painful Honesty

Hey Mike…

So we went up to your grave today. I refused to cry. I know if you can see me you would have been like “Stop being so stubborn”… but now I’m gonna write and this is going to be an honest and difficult blog to write. Lol… I’m really gonna put myself on the line and then think I’m a big loser afterwards haha… but anyways here it goes. Something has been on my mind for months since you died..and now even more so. Today I went up to your grave for the first time in months, around the end of January was the last time I was there and that was with Fitzy. It was something I had to do kind of as closure.

One of the things I was so glad about when you died was that you met Fitzy. I had your total seal of approval and that meant so much to me. You’re my brother and for you to finally approve of a guy was a big deal… more so now you’re dead. On the ship we have to get permission to date and when Fitz and I go “SP” a sign went up on the wall of the staff lounge on the ship… I know right… crazy! But anyways. Dad happened to be on the ship the day Fitz and I got “SP” and he took a picture of it. The picture was also the last picture you ever commented on. When you died just about everything was going against Fitzy in coming to England with me… but somehow the doors opened. I found it hard not to feel like there was something more to the story than what could be seen. I know maybe I just needed a friend with me and God graciously provided the open doors for Fitz to come to England but… there is this little part of me that’s like… “This feels all too much like a coincidence”…

I feel so embarrassed now to say all this but I can’t help but feel pretty confused. If Fitz wasn’t suppose to be the guy for me then why did God let Fitz come to England at such an important time? Why was my SP photo the last thing you commented on? God knew how much your approval was going to mean to me… so why did he let you give it if it was never meant to be between me and Fitz? Honestly, I want to hang my head in shame sharing this on a blog with everyone to see because I seriously feel like a total loser. I’m can’t hold on to me and Fitz. He made it pretty clear it was over. But I can’t help but wonder and yes… there is a part of me that does hold on. I guess that’s natural but it’s so embarrassing.

I wish I could just walk away from Fitz. But there’s so much going on… for me our break up wasn’t a simple one… Like this with how you Mike are involved… the break up has brought up a lot more loss to the picture of losing you. I’ve had to come to the realisation that you may never of known who I marry and oh my gosh… getting a knife and cutting my heart out would be so much less painful. So I’m not going to lie… I am holding on in hope over Fitzy… but now maybe by being truthful… I can let go of the things to do with you… and him… but maybe now I’ll find healing in knowing you will never be apart of my future and life any more in this way…

I miss you Mike… just because I don’t cry when I go to visit your grave doesn’t mean my heart isn’t completely broken. I can’t wait to see you… Love you xx

One response

  1. Kerry Green

    Akila – wow thats amazing! Mike will be looking down on you now and loving everything you are doing and knows what your plans are for the future.

    You say that Mike will never be apart of you life – I believe he will be – he will walk beside you everyday. You will always have him in your heart.

    I cried when I read this blog – If you need 2 chat just call or message me.

    Love and hugs Kerry “Cherry” Green x x x x x x

    May 1, 2010 at 9:56 pm

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