Step Into My World…

Archive for April 28, 2010

Painful Honesty

Hey Mike…

So we went up to your grave today. I refused to cry. I know if you can see me you would have been like “Stop being so stubborn”… but now I’m gonna write and this is going to be an honest and difficult blog to write. Lol… I’m really gonna put myself on the line and then think I’m a big loser afterwards haha… but anyways here it goes. Something has been on my mind for months since you died..and now even more so. Today I went up to your grave for the first time in months, around the end of January was the last time I was there and that was with Fitzy. It was something I had to do kind of as closure.

One of the things I was so glad about when you died was that you met Fitzy. I had your total seal of approval and that meant so much to me. You’re my brother and for you to finally approve of a guy was a big deal… more so now you’re dead. On the ship we have to get permission to date and when Fitz and I go “SP” a sign went up on the wall of the staff lounge on the ship… I know right… crazy! But anyways. Dad happened to be on the ship the day Fitz and I got “SP” and he took a picture of it. The picture was also the last picture you ever commented on. When you died just about everything was going against Fitzy in coming to England with me… but somehow the doors opened. I found it hard not to feel like there was something more to the story than what could be seen. I know maybe I just needed a friend with me and God graciously provided the open doors for Fitz to come to England but… there is this little part of me that’s like… “This feels all too much like a coincidence”…

I feel so embarrassed now to say all this but I can’t help but feel pretty confused. If Fitz wasn’t suppose to be the guy for me then why did God let Fitz come to England at such an important time? Why was my SP photo the last thing you commented on? God knew how much your approval was going to mean to me… so why did he let you give it if it was never meant to be between me and Fitz? Honestly, I want to hang my head in shame sharing this on a blog with everyone to see because I seriously feel like a total loser. I’m can’t hold on to me and Fitz. He made it pretty clear it was over. But I can’t help but wonder and yes… there is a part of me that does hold on. I guess that’s natural but it’s so embarrassing.

I wish I could just walk away from Fitz. But there’s so much going on… for me our break up wasn’t a simple one… Like this with how you Mike are involved… the break up has brought up a lot more loss to the picture of losing you. I’ve had to come to the realisation that you may never of known who I marry and oh my gosh… getting a knife and cutting my heart out would be so much less painful. So I’m not going to lie… I am holding on in hope over Fitzy… but now maybe by being truthful… I can let go of the things to do with you… and him… but maybe now I’ll find healing in knowing you will never be apart of my future and life any more in this way…

I miss you Mike… just because I don’t cry when I go to visit your grave doesn’t mean my heart isn’t completely broken. I can’t wait to see you… Love you xx

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God – The Hot Man!!

Hey!

Ok firstly, I’ve been looking at photos of my cousin’s baby girl and I’ve just bought a dress for a friend’s wedding and I’m like “ARGH!!! DAY DREAMS!” … One day Aki… One day Haha! P.S. My dress is pink, and I don’t usually wear pink but I thought I want to look like a princess! I know you’re not suppose to steal the lime light from the bride and I won’t (haha). But I do have a thing about needing to be a little princess at the moment. Must have something to do with the break up Lol.

Anyways… I was feeling a tad bit sorry for myself last night and I was listening to Jay Sean and Craig David. I confess… I so totally have a thing for Craig David haha (I’m such a Saddo!). Anyways, and I was thinking to myself “This is so bloody lame. How come I can’t have a guy that sings all these sweet songs to me“. I know, can things get any more sloppy and cringe-like Akila?? But it suddenly hit me…. “Wait a minute!!” Doesn’t it say God sings to us? Well… that to me just sounds tragic when i hear things like that in the bible. I mean God’s the “Father” right? So I’ve got an old dude singing love songs to me. ARGH! But I realised… isn’t part of God’s character like “motherly”? Isn’t He like a warrior not to be crossed as well as your loveable best friend from next door kind of person? Who said God couldn’t be the really HOT guy?!

It makes so much sense to me now! He says he whats an intimate relationship with me and well… that kind of sounds a bit perverted in my mind. God is God… the old guy sitting on the cloud…almost like your jolly old grandfather type… “intimate” relationship sounds so wrong! But I never thought of God as a guy, who has a massive desire to love me, he chases me all day every day, never mind sending me a bunch of flowers… he sends me fields of them, he doesn’t watch the sunrise with me … he gives me the sunrise… When I start to think of God as a guy, close to my age, who is madly in love with me… it all catches my attention! All day I’ve actually been excited to spend time with him… cos he is now so much more than the father waiting to give you your dinner when you walk in from home/school and ask how your day has been.

Before it sounded weird saying “god wants to be your lover” cos it’s like “errrrrrr ok????” but now I’m like I cannot wait to get home and listen to my music cos I seriously feel like God is singing all these amazing lyrics to me… he’s on the stage, I’m in the crowd, the only lights on are on the stage, but no… he knows where I am, he’s looking straight at me… and he is belting the tunes out! Guys, the bible is always known as God’s “love letter” to us… which sounds like “awww sweet dad sent me a letter” and the novelty wears off because reading you’re parents emails are more of a mission than fun!…

But do you remember how amazing you felt during the “honeymoon” period of your relationship? how you were so excited to get an email from the one you liked? When you saw them you heart skipped a beat? when they paid you a compliment you thought your life will never be the same again… with God it’s so much better cos the novelty doesn’t wear off! I hope my life is never the same again now I’ve realised God is in fact a guy… with very real feelings… who just wants to live my life with me and make me feel like a princess… I hope I learn God is just like any other relationship where you spend all night with each other talking, snuggling, going for walks in the park, putting important things off in life cos you just wanna hang out with them, showing them off to all your friends and family…