Wow… what a turn around in like a matter of hours! God certainly is faithful. Oh sure life still hurts BUT i have pretty cool news! Coming up I’m going to Holland for a wedding in June; then MTO in the Summer which will be in Holland/Belgium/Germany; and then I’m off to the Land down under! Australia! Woop woop! Towards the end of the summer… First time in 5 years! But get this… it’s going to be a bit of an adventure as I stop off in Dubai and South Africa along the way… not that I’m actually getting out the airport… maybe I could pray my flight gets cancelled for a week so I can hang out in South Africa! I’m also meeting up with Bethia when I’m in Australia after I see my family!! YEAAA!!! I’ve never been over to Perth… I’ve heard the beaches are pretty awesome… AND to top it all off… because I’m not staying in Perth as long as I originally planned… I might actually graduate in time!! YEAAA!!… Oh, and also… I’ve had a thought about the future… 🙂 Thanks for praying everyone 🙂 Please continue to do so as I’m having major ups and downs but I just wanted to share this because God is good 🙂
So, I’ve been faced with a bit of a dilemma recently. Between Fitz and my blog, I could always be honest and talk about things. But now… Fitz isn’t in the picture and well… my blog… I always write honestly about things on my mind and how do I share my feelings and thoughts at this moment in time in regards to Fitz without doing more harm to our situation? So I’ve just avoided blogging… but not writing isn’t helping me. LOL Argh!!!
As many of you have asked, how are you? Well… I’m very confused about “love”; rejection is bloody painful; I don’t know more than ever about my life; I don’t understand why I keep going through stuff in life; all this has bought up so much more in regards to Mike dying; I have so much school work to do and it’s the last thing I wanna do… in fact when I think about all that it sends me into a total panic and I’d rather walk away from everything in life; Heaven seems more and more attractive as the crap of life rolls on…
One person said to me last night “I’m so sorry Akila, Life seems so unfair to some people.” My response? ” Haha… you’re tell me lol! Hmmm, it could be worse.” People always tell me I’m so stong and independent… and like that its a negative thing… and I’m like “um well look at my life and then you’ll understand that God is the only one I trust”. But I don’t even understand God at times… I wish I could go away and just be with God.
… I’m really struggling to find left from right, up from down, I wish I could just spiral down into a mental break down and then I could just get out everything inside me that I can’t seem to get out… at least it will all be out my control… at least if I have a break down I have a justifiable excuse for walking away from university, from pressures, from life… but on the other side I haven’t reached the point of breaking down which means I still have some rational to me… I’ve fought so hard to get to the end of university and I only have one last big mountain to climb… God’s bought me so far that it’s like God… please just get me out of these past 4 years into calm and still waters. I’m fast coming to a crossroad in life of finishing university and starting the path of trying to reach my calling… I need God to guide my paths… but man… I feel so torn up and broken.
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the Earth. He never grows tired or weary. No one can measure the depths His understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to powerless. Even youths will become tired and weak, and young men will fall in exhaustion; but those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31