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Archive for April 12, 2010

The Misguided

Eevr feel lkie you jsut cna’t win?

Eevr selupctae taht you jsut cna’t keep up?

Eevr bleveie yuo’re not wntead?

Eevr jgude yrusleof taht no one wluod msis you if you wrnee’t auonrd?

Eevr quoestin waht yuor psuorpe is?

Eevr wnedor why you can’t mvoe form the palce yuo’re at in lfie?

Eevr tnhik, why deos lfie feel lkie scuh a bttale?

Eevr ncoite how ervyoene esle aunord you is csinruig lfie?

Eevr deirse to be mroe?

Eevr fnid yruelosf cosnufed and hrut?

Eevr wsih you ddni’t hvae to sgtulgre asanigt the tsie of orhets?

Eevr cvare the asrenws?

Eevr wnat smenooe to tnhik of you?

Eevr ssnee yuo’re sllaprinig dwon?

… The Misguided

I wish I could take people’s pain away from them. I know of so many people, my own friends, who struggle with self harm and suicide. I’ve tried over dosing three times in my life. One more serious than the other two. I use to scratch my arms until they bled, use scissors and needles to try and take the pain away, make myself throw up…. Right now, I feel shit about life. Really shit. But I don’t wanna go back there.

I wrote my thoughts down…and then scrambled the words, and gave you a “poem” called The Misguided. Truth and Lies… all twisted up in our minds. We have true emotions but false thoughts…  Trust me, I know how lonely things can be. I know how painful it is to want a hug from God, someone to tell you it’s gonna be alright, someone to even just acknowledge you.

I struggle so much with my sister. She’s everything I’m not, everything I wanna be. She’s perfect. She doesn’t have to fight for anything… it’s so hard to see her live my dreams. Why not me? On top of everything else in life… it’s hard for the dynamics between her and I to not act as a catalyst for my already hurting mind….

I found these pictures. Red and white representing truth and lies in our lives… But it also represents Jesus’s love… These pictures stood out to me… a promise. We can’t give up just yet. We don’t wanna believe our lives are in total vain. We still gotta hold onto the hope that Jesus has something for us… I still wanna trust Him… I still wanna reach out to Him. I still want to grab hold of His hand… Don’t go at it alone Friend. I know it is hard to somehow pull yourself out this darkness and find the strength but you are worth everything to Jesus.

Blood and Snow

Blood River

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Insomnia

Hey!

Argh… don’t you hate it when you gotta sleep and you just cant? I’ve always struggled with sleeping… I go through stages of being ok with sleeping, and then I have other periods where they can last months of just not being able to sleep. Even if I’m tired… Back in the day when I was 17 and moved into my own place I suppose all your mates coming over at all hours of the night helped… Ross and I went on a night walk for 2 and a half hours once at 2 in the morning… thank God for Insomnia buddies. Now, it’s tossing and turning on my own… and all I can think of is Craig David singing… “Insomnia ah ah ahhhhh, Feels like Insomnia ah ah aaaaahhhhhh…” but imagine the “ah” is being said like “ARGGGGGHHHHHH FREAKIN DANG IT!!!!”…. if ONLY it was love that was keeping me awake!