Ahhhh… how I miss the voyage from Cork to the Caribbean… we had such a brilliant time didn’t we guys… ahhh the waves of nostalgia… the fun, the people, the memories… I would love to go back and sit with Fitz on deck 9 by the funnel; sleep under the stars with Esther; skip work with Sara and play pranks; watch Coon play basketball; watch the ocean with Adelaide and Kelsey; eat bbq’s with the ships company; play poker with Benji; play bingo in the staff lounge … too many memories to list… I miss everyone
I’m loving the song “If my Heart was a House” by Owl City at the moment… especially the line that says…
“Risk it all cause I’ll catch you if you fall wherever you go…”
I’m starting to realise I think we all get so consumed with life… are the bills being paid, am I taking the right courses at school, what will I do in the future?? At the same time… I think we can get so consumed with trying to do the right thing before God. Which in’t necessarily a bad thing.. but in both these situations… whether it’s life or trying to please God… it’s so easy to forget to have fun! God can work with anything so pick the courses at school and university that you enjoy, God can help you pay the bills so don’t fear missions work… dream! live! have fun! think about what you really wanna do in life and GO FOR IT! who said you have to hav a 9-5 job? who said you have to get married at this age? I think life gets way too serious and people need to just live! we are blessed enough to be in a position to have the freedom of what we do… so don’t settle for seconds in life! find passion! and always remember that if you’ really seeking God… you can live on the edge and not fear the unknown you know!! Because it’s in the unknown that you will and security and answers. Just like the song goes… Risk it all!!! Do it! God will catch you if you fall… go for the missions work, live in africa, do the courses you feel a desire for… just do it! God CAN work with anything! Also… life would be a pretty sweet adventure haha… growth, motivation, understanding, experience, character.. why do so few people chose this path?! So for all those that wanna live a unnormal or radical life style but are contemplating it… GO FOR IT! you wont regret it… trust me! 🙂
So we went up to your grave today. I refused to cry. I know if you can see me you would have been like “Stop being so stubborn”… but now I’m gonna write and this is going to be an honest and difficult blog to write. Lol… I’m really gonna put myself on the line and then think I’m a big loser afterwards haha… but anyways here it goes. Something has been on my mind for months since you died..and now even more so. Today I went up to your grave for the first time in months, around the end of January was the last time I was there and that was with Fitzy. It was something I had to do kind of as closure.
One of the things I was so glad about when you died was that you met Fitzy. I had your total seal of approval and that meant so much to me. You’re my brother and for you to finally approve of a guy was a big deal… more so now you’re dead. On the ship we have to get permission to date and when Fitz and I go “SP” a sign went up on the wall of the staff lounge on the ship… I know right… crazy! But anyways. Dad happened to be on the ship the day Fitz and I got “SP” and he took a picture of it. The picture was also the last picture you ever commented on. When you died just about everything was going against Fitzy in coming to England with me… but somehow the doors opened. I found it hard not to feel like there was something more to the story than what could be seen. I know maybe I just needed a friend with me and God graciously provided the open doors for Fitz to come to England but… there is this little part of me that’s like… “This feels all too much like a coincidence”…
I feel so embarrassed now to say all this but I can’t help but feel pretty confused. If Fitz wasn’t suppose to be the guy for me then why did God let Fitz come to England at such an important time? Why was my SP photo the last thing you commented on? God knew how much your approval was going to mean to me… so why did he let you give it if it was never meant to be between me and Fitz? Honestly, I want to hang my head in shame sharing this on a blog with everyone to see because I seriously feel like a total loser. I’m can’t hold on to me and Fitz. He made it pretty clear it was over. But I can’t help but wonder and yes… there is a part of me that does hold on. I guess that’s natural but it’s so embarrassing.
I wish I could just walk away from Fitz. But there’s so much going on… for me our break up wasn’t a simple one… Like this with how you Mike are involved… the break up has brought up a lot more loss to the picture of losing you. I’ve had to come to the realisation that you may never of known who I marry and oh my gosh… getting a knife and cutting my heart out would be so much less painful. So I’m not going to lie… I am holding on in hope over Fitzy… but now maybe by being truthful… I can let go of the things to do with you… and him… but maybe now I’ll find healing in knowing you will never be apart of my future and life any more in this way…
I miss you Mike… just because I don’t cry when I go to visit your grave doesn’t mean my heart isn’t completely broken. I can’t wait to see you… Love you xx
Ok firstly, I’ve been looking at photos of my cousin’s baby girl and I’ve just bought a dress for a friend’s wedding and I’m like “ARGH!!! DAY DREAMS!” … One day Aki… One day Haha! P.S. My dress is pink, and I don’t usually wear pink but I thought I want to look like a princess! I know you’re not suppose to steal the lime light from the bride and I won’t (haha). But I do have a thing about needing to be a little princess at the moment. Must have something to do with the break up Lol.
Anyways… I was feeling a tad bit sorry for myself last night and I was listening to Jay Sean and Craig David. I confess… I so totally have a thing for Craig David haha (I’m such a Saddo!). Anyways, and I was thinking to myself “This is so bloody lame. How come I can’t have a guy that sings all these sweet songs to me“. I know, can things get any more sloppy and cringe-like Akila?? But it suddenly hit me…. “Wait a minute!!” Doesn’t it say God sings to us? Well… that to me just sounds tragic when i hear things like that in the bible. I mean God’s the “Father” right? So I’ve got an old dude singing love songs to me. ARGH! But I realised… isn’t part of God’s character like “motherly”? Isn’t He like a warrior not to be crossed as well as your loveable best friend from next door kind of person? Who said God couldn’t be the really HOT guy?!
It makes so much sense to me now! He says he whats an intimate relationship with me and well… that kind of sounds a bit perverted in my mind. God is God… the old guy sitting on the cloud…almost like your jolly old grandfather type… “intimate” relationship sounds so wrong! But I never thought of God as a guy, who has a massive desire to love me, he chases me all day every day, never mind sending me a bunch of flowers… he sends me fields of them, he doesn’t watch the sunrise with me … he gives me the sunrise… When I start to think of God as a guy, close to my age, who is madly in love with me… it all catches my attention! All day I’ve actually been excited to spend time with him… cos he is now so much more than the father waiting to give you your dinner when you walk in from home/school and ask how your day has been.
Before it sounded weird saying “god wants to be your lover” cos it’s like “errrrrrr ok????” but now I’m like I cannot wait to get home and listen to my music cos I seriously feel like God is singing all these amazing lyrics to me… he’s on the stage, I’m in the crowd, the only lights on are on the stage, but no… he knows where I am, he’s looking straight at me… and he is belting the tunes out! Guys, the bible is always known as God’s “love letter” to us… which sounds like “awww sweet dad sent me a letter” and the novelty wears off because reading you’re parents emails are more of a mission than fun!…
But do you remember how amazing you felt during the “honeymoon” period of your relationship? how you were so excited to get an email from the one you liked? When you saw them you heart skipped a beat? when they paid you a compliment you thought your life will never be the same again… with God it’s so much better cos the novelty doesn’t wear off! I hope my life is never the same again now I’ve realised God is in fact a guy… with very real feelings… who just wants to live my life with me and make me feel like a princess… I hope I learn God is just like any other relationship where you spend all night with each other talking, snuggling, going for walks in the park, putting important things off in life cos you just wanna hang out with them, showing them off to all your friends and family…
I wote “Dear” in the title cos I didn’t know what else to write haha!!! I’ve been wondering today about my family line. I wonder who is in it? It’s funny right because when you see lists and lists and lists of names we usually think “Oh my gosh get on with it who cares?!” Right? I do… but in reverse I always wish I knew who was in my family line. Who are my ancestors? Who am I related to? What are their stories? When crap hits the fan the family usually suddenly pile out the woodwork right? They all wanna support and help… actually they seem to crawl out the woodwork when someone dies and there’s a massive amount of money as well haha… but that’s off the subject I wanna talk about. Family is so important to me… and I guess I’ve been seriously blessed to have a pretty decent family (my dad eads my blogs by the way ‘hi daddy!! i love you really!!). Like I was reading the beginning of Matthew last night and it was name after name… which usually bothers me… but understanding who I am, where I come from… it was inspiring to see that Jesus’ family line involved kings, nobody’s, murders, satanic worshipers, people who lived for adultery… Jeez, actually made me feel good about myself?! And then there was Jesus. Really does go to show God’s plans can’t be rocked. The Saviour still came in spite of those losers! (Just kidding!…kinda) In my life… well… it’s encouraging for me to think “yea, just put one foot in front of the other and God does all the work anyways!” If only it felt like that at the time right?!
Here’s the other thing… and I’m about to lecture now haha… Joseph. He was a nobody. As far as my theology goes He didn’t really even know God. When the angel came to him and said “Hey, Mary really is having a kid from God“… Joseph didn’t doubt it. I mean COMMON! Seriously?! I’m sure the majority of us would have been like “no flippen way…definately a dream“. So why is it right… that Joseph can have faith… but we can’t? How many times is god gonna have to speak to you? Reveal things to you? What will it take for you to realise “denial” is an excuse? “Rational” is in fact a lie? What does God have to do to shake you awake? Hasn’t he already done it? “it’s not enough” you tell me… who made you worthy of judging how god speaks to you? Trust me I HAVE been there… even recently ive been feeling like “god, I demand you show me why you killed off my brother! if I’m gonna hurt you better show up and give me a hug!” Yea I agree, I’m totally within my rights to say all that… but am I? Cos, God has already done a lot to help me. And I think he’s already done a lot to help you or show you whatever it is you need… You know when it is that everything becomes clear? When you start accepting. Trust is fragile and God honestly doesn’t mind if he needs to build your trust. He will. But how you respond will be how God responds back. ok ok so you tried waiting on him… then keep waiting. it’s hard and its painful but if I can go through everything I’ve been through… which I know is microscopic compared to so many others out there but based on what I have been through… if I can go through it… and trust God IN SPITE of all the times nothing made sense, then you have no reason to not hold on for God.
ps… just so you all know I was actually lecturing myself and reminding myself of somethings haha. A bit like when you talk to yourself in the mirror or in the shower… I figured a blog would be less embarrassing?! 😛
Why is it that around the time the day turns to evening people get sad? I know it’s the time of the day where you’re thoughts slow down but don’t you think it’s interesting? What is it that makes people so sad and lonely and focus on their problems? Is it the weather? Does the day turning to-night have an effect? Is it that work is over, the shops are closed, dinner has been cooked and now we’re twiddling our thumbs waiting for a friend to come on Facebook so we can escape the prison of our minds and emotions? It’s so weird… what has actually changed in my life? Well, not much… really if I think about it. So why do I feel like my world has been rocked a little? Amazing how deep emotion can go…
But all in all… I think it’s been a good day. I paid off a good chunk of university debt, I discovered I like wearing red nail vanish cos it makes me feel cool haha… and I found out that I’m travelling with Esther to Adelaide! That will be a fun plane journey! Lol! I also tried to do school work but didn’t get very far… my brain can’t really focus on writing essays… but I think I’m gonna attempt to get an early night and get up a couple of hours early to finish off this section of writing that has just been a massive mission to write!
So, I’ve been thinking on a question a friend of mine asked me some weeks ago which was, “Akila, you know what you wanna do, but who said you need to do it in England?” I’m fast coming to the end of university and I automatically assumed I would live my with parents afterwards and pay off the debt (Hurray!!) But, after some thinking I’ve realised that whilst that may be the wisest and most logical step forward… I’ve completely shut the door on God and any other possibilities without even exploring them. My sister said “Akila, you’re dreams don’t happen over night”… True, but who said I couldn’t do something that I actually wanna do? My focus before was on money. Which again, very logical, pay off the debt you owe… but if there was a way to pay off the debt and still start on the path I feel God is calling me then for sure! All doors are opened for exploration! So I’ve been thinking what is it that I wanna do? And this is where you all reading this can help me out!
What I wanna do is learn my bible; learn how to speak to like crowds or at conferences or churches or whatever; get further training in counselling; work with youth… Some have suggested go to bible college, some have suggested church internship… I haven’t a clue what is a good way forward. What are my options? Is there a way I could get full-time time training in these areas but still have money coming in to pay off university? What’s out there? What am I looking for? I’ve been praying about it and have asked a few people for advice… but now I’m widening the horizons and asking you all too. I love people, I love youth, I love helping people, encouraging people, listening and talking… somehow I just feel like this kinda thing would really fit well for me, I would love it if God could use some of the things I’ve experienced to shape me and help others facing similar things in life… I’ll have my degree in Social Work which has given me a foundation but now I wanna go specific and into more ministry… So! Any thoughts anyone has I’d love to hear!