Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe.
Surely stabbing myself in the heart would hurt less.
One minute I am happy.
The next minute I feel like my life has been ripped apart.
Maybe it has been.
I have much to be thankful for.
But it all feel so clouded.
Does one ever become the other?
What is that?
Everything is channelled through the lens of the Summer of 2009.
I feel sick.
I’m been feeling “off” for a while now.
When does it all stop?
Does it ever get easier?
How do I escape from it?
How do I stop myself feeling guilty for forgetting?
People think I should move on.
Don’t they understand that takes more than words?
More than time limits?
What would they know.
They’ve never been through it.
Death is a members only club.
But even if you’ve experienced death, no two deaths are the same.
I hate it.
To walk away from everything in my life and start again.
The wrapping sounds tempting.
I’m tried of the same thoughts and questions.
I want to move on.
I don’t want to let go.
I know what I want.
But I feel like I can’t break through.
I’m tried of trying to push through university.
Then I have to work and pay it all off.
Suck it up.
I’d love a gap year.
Spend time with my friends.
Maybe I need a shrink.
Maybe I’m a freak.
I wish I could stand on the edge of a cliff.
My thoughts and emotions expressed through nature.
The starlit sky destroyed.
The Eye of the Storm.
To feel it.
What a release.
The Rising of the Sun.
Set me free.
There is something that has been on my mind. Let me share a little story with you…
On Friday I witnessed somebody state their wishes, their desires… but then submit themselves to their family to make the final decision. Discussion took place and in the end the decision was not the desired outcome this person was hoping for. The person could have fought it but in heartbreaking acceptance, the person continued to submit and trust their family, despite the painful journey this person was now going to walk.
It really touched me this story… and the thing it highlighted was “submission”. It got me thinking about life and God. The choices we make, the paths God seems to lead us down… so many people struggle to trust God, to submit to living with Him in their lives. He never said your life wouldn’t hurt and be difficult. But He has made plenty of promises that He will always be with you, He will never give you something you can’t handle, He will bless you, and He will reward you in this life and in the next.
Often when something happens or is about to happen I demand to God that He better not disappoint me; and He never has. But my demand stops there. It’s pointless me demanding anything else from God because I have no idea what He’s up too. There’s no point me demanding one thing because I wouldn’t be open to another option. There’s no point setting yourself up for disappointment. My question to you is “Why can’t you live by faith?”… you have NOTHING to lose. Trust me, life is so much better when you just let go of the barriers and let God in.
I know you’ve been hurt, I know you’ve been disappointed…. I know the feeling where life sucks and you don’t understand what’s going on… I understand the fear of the unknown and being out of control… that’s why I can tell you God comes into your life like hot lava. He not only fills the holes in your life, but He melts the crap in your life, placing it on His shoulders to deal with. Leaving you with peace, and a sense of freedom. Hot lava sounds painful… I’m not gonna lie, some things He’s gotta do will hurt, but hot lava… that’s pretty intense right? Well… that’s how intense He’s love for you is.
The picture of the day is of a volcano in Hawaii. There are nine major islands in Hawaii and hundreds of smaller ones… so I’ve read. However, this volcano keeps erupting and the lava is making the island bigger and bigger each time. So I guess what I’m trying to show you is this whole lava business and God… well… there’s a purpose, a reason. We don’t always understand it. But there is. With God’s love and help in your life… you never know where it could lead you. You should never under-estimate His power on your life. Just like this volcano in Hawaii… God is in the process of shaping you… keep letting Him. Don’t miss out on something extraordinary in your life because of fear.
Lately at work I have been involved in Mental Capacity issues with clients and it’s all flippen interesting! My blog helps me process things so I figured “Hmmm why not gather all my thoughts on what I’ve learnt the past two days and share it with you all!”
What is Mental Capacity? Mental Capacity is the ability to make a decision. This could be something to do with daily life like when to get up in the morning. Or it could be a decision to do with legal consequences such as agreeing to have medical treatment. A lack of capacity, or more simply, an inability to make a decision doesn’t have to be permanent. For example, say someone faints, they obviously cant make a decision right then and there so you will do it for them and call an ambulance.
Chapter 2 Principle 1 of the Mental Capacity Code of Practice (the code of practice is a fancy name for a formal document that helps professionals do the correct thing by law!) states professionals such as myself (a social worker), or a doctor or whatever must assume somebody has the capacity to make a decision unless proven otherwise.
However some people need help understanding things. This doesn’t mean they can’t understand it. For example, people who have serious hearing difficulties. It would shock you to know many people who are deaf are misdiagnosed with a mental health problem because they are “confused”. When actually, this “confusion” is because they can’t hear you and therefore can’t understand you! I’ve witnessed it!
So, to prevent this from happening, Chapter 2 Principle 2 says a person cannot be said to be unable to make a decision unless all the practical and appropriate steps have been taken. So, if a doctor completes an assessment to judge whether someone has the ability to make a decision on a noisy hospital ward when the person has a significant hearing loss it is a massive NO. That is very bad professional practice. Not only that, it is discriminatory and oppressive.
I told a doctor that today… for real. It was for a case I was working on. He’s response? “Well I’m so sorry you see yourself higher than our professional medical procedures.” Hmmm… you better be sure I was well and truly pissed off. Don’t worry, I stood my ground and won the argument for my client.
I also discovered that when professionals have a disagreement over someone’s capacity, they must take the appropriate steps to resolve the disagreement or come to some sort of middle ground.
Why is capacity should an important issue? Well, if influential professionals such as doctors and mental heath practitioners conclude you don’t have mental capacity to make a decision about something, and if you do, you will discover that your thoughts or opinions will not be listened to. You completely lose you right! Whatever you want will be ignored and what others think you should do they will do instead! It is really quite serious! Like for example being placed to live somewhere you dont wanna live! Just think a minute what that would feel like!
So, how do you know if you can make a decision? For a professional to decide whether somebody has capacity, two questions must be asked. Firstly, is there an impairment of the brain? Like memory loss. If so, does that impairment mean the person is unable to make a specific decision when they need to. So, to say someone has long term memory problems isn’t enough. If someone can understand the information about the decision that needs to be made, if they can hold onto that information long enough to make that decision at the time they need to make it… even if they forget everything one hour later, if they can weigh up the information like “if I smoke it could kill me, but even though I know that I still want to smoke”… THEN THAT PERSON HAS CAPACITY TO MAKE A DECISION! Even if the decision is completely stupid and dangerous we still have that right to make the decision!
Ok… enough from me for now!
I had a pretty manic day. I arrived at work around 8.20am and finally finished when Dad picked me up from the hospital at 7.30pm… 11 hours and 10 minutes later. Needless to say I’m pretty tired.
It was none stop all day. I must have spoken to at least 50 people, made at least 50 phone calls, completed at about 15 case notes, saw 3 clients, and phoned the police once. That last one was pretty random! I was walking down the street after seeing one client and the door of one of the flats was wide open, the door immediately after that inside was glass and it had been smashed… and there was one guy standing in the living room with a bike and another guy sitting in the car outside… weird or what?! So I reported it just in case it was something.
My multi tasking skills are becoming more than impressive… I joked with one girl today at work about how I should go into party planning haha… maybe next time I go to the ship I’ll join the events team haha. tonight i made an exception, I brought my work home with me long enough to quickly write-up my notes for my last visit to see a client… but it is a joy to be able to leave work at work!
I’m enjoying my job. Very demanding, very fast pace and ou need to be very flexible in your work style. I hate being restricted when I work. So to be the complete opposite in this job is awesome! I love being out and about in the office and all over the city. I deliberately go into work 45 mins before everyone else and enjoy the silence of our office. we have about 45 people in our office… which means 45 telephones, 45 keyboards, 45 voices… you can imagine the noise. However, I gotta say, the windows that line all the walls makes it very bright… I do like my job.
anyways…enough of the computer today!
Tonight we had a friend over for dinner and our discussions led me to emailing Fitz with my thoughts and feelings. This is a bit of a heavy post… but I decided to copy my email to him on here to share with you. It’s personal to me and it’s not something I feel I particularly want to share so publically. But I do know I’m not alone. I know there are people who share similar thoughts and pain. So its to you that I really want to share this with. Please don’t feel alone.
……We had a good chat around the table tonight. We talked a lot about Mike. It sounds like we talk about Mike alot. We kinda do but we really dont. I really miss Mike. It doesn’t feel like he is coming back anymore. He’s feeling more and more like a piece of the past. Not apart of my present. Time is creating distance. I mean, Im sure you can relate a little bit with that in relation to you and me. When you’re not around someone dynamics change. So its really hard fitz. Its painful. I dont wanna move on…. I dont wanna move on from him… One day Im going to talk about Mike as a person in my past and I dont wanna do that. One day I will get use to the thought of my family consisting of me dad laura and mum… and I dont want to ever reach that place. Im struggling with Mike not being here cos in small but painfully clear ways…Im moving on. I will always see Mike as 18. He will never go up and live life with me and it’s so hard. Its so painful. I should be happy maybe that he went to heaven at the prime of his life but my brother is gone. I’ve lost my brother… my friend. I miss him so much and even as I write this I’ve got tears running down my face. Fitzy when I think of Mike I wanna join him. I wanna go to him because well… I love him heaps and miss him. Does that mean I’ve forgotten everything here that is precious to me. NO. It just means I long for the day to be reunited with him. My pain is so suffocating at times. Whilst tears roll silently down my heart is loudly weeping and I come back to the same questions… the same thoughts. God why? God help me. God heal my hurt. Fitzy I still ask God to let me see Mike in my dreams. Like “The Shack”. To see Mike one last time… I get angry with myself for even thinking those thoughts… fantasising and longing for something that is closed. Gone. Why is death so painful? Why is the depth of seperation tearing me in half? I know I will see him again. But why does death take me in its grip and crush me? Jesus has saved Mike… he’s saved me… so why do I weep at the fact that my bother has gone on ahead? Then there’s also the harsh reality of his body, the body that contained the person I loved for 18 years. My baby brother is now rotting in the earth…
I wish Jesus would show up and give me a hug. Times like this I wish he would physically wipe the tears away…. not just leave it for me to read it in the bible. The joke to it all is while Im greiving my guard is down and I feel so crap about other things. Like my image. I mean seriously, Mike’s dead and Im becoming desperately ashamed as to what I look like. Lately my emotions are that I hate what I look like and I wish I was skinnier and prettier. I know I need to speak truth into my life but man… it is hard. I feel like Im physically battling with the darkness. I know we often talk about the fight against the devil as Christians but Fitzy I feel it. I feel the battle. Ive been feeling it for a while. Only one other time I felt like this, back 2 and a half years ago. I know we’re forever fighting the devil but this feels like combat. Real. I feel a darkness around me. But at the same time I feel light. I can see Jesus fighting for me and with me. But I dont really understand what this battle is about. Maybe it is simply grief and the greving process… but then it comes back to my questions. Why is death so painful and like a battle when someone dies. Mike is in heaven! I of all people have hope….