There are a number of things I wanna do in life…
* finish university * pay off the debt * finish my collages * sort through my photos * print all the photos i like * put together a photo album * redecorate my room * write my story * go back to the ship * visit fitz * see the northern lights * stand n the equator * go to the north pole * go to the south pole * speak to hundreds of people * become a really good counselor * be more wise * go to india * work in brazil * work in america * represent people in court * learn how to cut peoples hair * learn how to do my own hair * pass my drivers test * see through from my side the things god wants me to do * have a really cool wedding * build a house * have an infinity pool * buy my own leather couch * buy a pool table so i can invite loads of people over * buy a poker table so i can invite loads of people over * go to the caribbean * fall in love * get a six pack (HAHAHA) * get a dog * adopt a kid * empower people to have dreams * make at least one person smile each day * stop picking my lips when im stressed/nervous/upset/bored * meet someone famous * go to a fashion show * get better at keeping in touch with people * read the bible cover to cover at least once * be in two places at the same time * get a tatoo * design, create and LIKE an outfit i make * learn a language * build a library * get really good at salsa * see loads of people get closer to jesus * go rock climbing (again) * go to a casino with £1 and see if i win anything * drive a really wicked convertible * have a horse * learn how to ride a horse * finally be happy with who i am in jesus * jet ski * go on a road trip across america * dye my eyebrows * have a really wicked holiday with friends from all over the world * go to the opera * see the ballet * go to prague * learn how to play AFL (but only a little bit) * see the seven wonders of the world * remember at least 50 of the countries i have been to/will go to in my life time *
…. hmmmmmmmm… watch this space 😀
additional things to add as i remember…
* have a really cool painting somewhere in my house * have a waterfall somewhere in my house * learn how to present food in really fancy and yummy ways *
Any “Lost” fans reading this shout “Jacob!!” I was thinking last night, if you reallllllly think about the story line to Lost, you would start to wonder how on earth the characters in it cope! I mean, they go from the present to the future to the past to the future back to the present and then they haven’t a clue whether they’re in the past, present, or the future! The whole story is literally about their plane crashing on a random island and the next 5 seasons are about getting off the island. They have no idea who to trust, who the leader is of the island, who is alive, who is dead… the island seems to bring back dead people with messages guiding those who are alive and can see the dead people… it’s seriously enough to make you think why haven’t any of these characters commit suicide yet!? I can’t for the life of me workout if it is sci-fi or spiritual… oh and before I forget, I think the quote of the entire show is “You have to trust me”
Back to reality, I saw a note from a friend with Jeremiah 29:11 on it which says “I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you, not harm you”… well, lets be honest a minute God, didn’t you kill Mike? That was the question I asked God recently. I’ve reached a point where I seem to of moved away from crying over Mike dying, to crying in anger and frustration that I have no idea what God is doing… that and the way He seems to contradict himself so much. On the surface level. If we can reach past that point, just like they do in Lost, and follow unknowingly onto the next thing well… then we realise there’s a greater purpose. But do you know how hard it is to actually say that? To believe it? Don’t talk to me about faith because it is so much deeper than that! The bible talks about “shattering dreams” to make way for greater, bigger, and more amazing dreams… but do you know how hard it is to say “yea God, you killed my brother, and you have another bigger better dream coming”… I CAN see ho we, others, myself have been blessed, but my heart is just not there. It is a war, between my heart and my head all day every day consciously, subconsciously, and unconsciously. I just don’t have the energy, or ability to shift through things and work it out! That’s also why I write these things in slight hope that maybe rambling to myself will bring clarity. But how can I read and hear verses like that with the pain I feel inside and “accept”. I’M NOT OK WITH IT!!! Right now, all I can seem to do is wake up and say God, I need you to get me through another day.
I wonder what depression feels like? I would hate to be in a real life version of Lost… at least I know I’m moving forward each day even if it doesn’t feel like that!
I’ve been thinking, I wonder if we ever do anything other than “plan” in life? My life forever seems to evolve around planning my life. What I’m doing today, tomorrow, next week, a couple months, in a few years… I guess we have something to look forward to but do we ever live for the moment?? I know I like to create memories… but I only seem to cherish them when I reflect on them… what about at the time?
Planning is good, it brings structure, clarity, direction… but I seem to live for direction. It brings security knowing what my next steps are… as we all know, the family in the last 6 months has changed drastically and we’re in the process of trying to find our feet again, part of this includes where we’re going to live the next few years or whatever… I have no idea where my life is going these days. Which is also pretty hard when you have a long distance relationship… But what I do know is we’re the branches and god is the vine and sometimes god prunes us (the vines)… so maybe god is trying to show me how to live without planning anything in life…
“Spontaneous” is something we all enjoy… but we’re still in control… we may go for a spontaneous holiday, but we were still in control of the decision… when do we ever act spontaneously in its true context? I guess this is the life of faith as dad calls it… maybe we’re learning how to be spontaneous in terms of being stripped and pruned of security so that when god calls we’re not sitting around wondering if we can give up the cushy income, the close friends, the fancy car and all the other ins and outs… maybe we reach such a point of desperation for direction that when god speaks not only do we hear it loud and clear, we welcome his calling with excitement that finally we know…
My placement has been an interesting journey of awesome leads and dead ends… but finally it fell into place and I’m due to start next week.
Do I trust god? It’s something I’m learning every day… sometimes I forget he’s in control, other times I’m angry with him, often I’m tired, confused and the thought of facing another day without planning and acting on a spontaneous escape to another world of calmness, freedom and peace is way too daunting… but every day god seems to pick me up out of my sleep and set me on the path I’m meant to walk each day…
People seem to be so talented and creative… I have friends and family who are just so arty and can paint, draw, photograph, write poetry and all sorts like never before… how do they get so inspired? One friend’s blog seems to be a world of photographic dreams… I often wonder why my brain isn’t switched on like that… So what does inspire me?
People… their thoughts, who they are, their dreams, passions, abilities, pain, frustration, past, present, future, memories, their friends, values, stories, skills, their family… I love learning about people and seeing how all the little pieces making up their matrix of identity fit together… seeing how because of this situation they did this, or didn’t do that… how that pain shaped their future forever… to me, it’s like the Northern Lights, a mixture of random particles that create something amazingly beautiful… funny I should associate people with the Northern Lights because actually the Cree called the Northern Lights “Dance of the Spirits”…
History… I actually discovered in recent times I like history… history plays such a massive part in this world and apart of our identity, who we are and where we’re going that it just seems completely idiotic not to know the history of the land and people… I LOVED learning about the ancient Egyptians, aztecs, romans… shame I struggle so much to pick up my bible.
God… in terms of mystery and character… I’m forever learning and falling in love with this dimension of inspiration… grace, love, power, leadership, forgiveness…
Places… I love travelling. I say it all the time. But travelling and seeing the world… you only get one chance to live… travelling has a lot to do with people and history too… but how can I ever understand the world and people if I don’t see?
Colour and weather also inspire me… for some reason, I can really focus when I’m in bright (neat and clean) rooms… space, light… I love daylight… someone people say blue skies and fluffy clouds… for me, it’s definitely light. There’s a place down the park when its warm enough I love just sitting and watching the water too… water has a really calming effect on me… I could totally stay at sea on the ship for weeks I reckon…
Anyways… that’s enough for now! 🙂
So the family and I decided to go on a spontaneous night away to a remote church that had been converted to a house in the middle of no where. It was mum and dad’s anniversary and I guess after being married for 24 years, bringing your kids along with you is far more appealing than even considering spending a full 24 hours alone with the other half.
We went out for a really sweet meal together and it whilst we always have fun together, this one seemed to be especially nice. However, upon return to our random church/house, we realised we were locked out. While dad was trying to break in, Laura had the genius idea of watching tv through the window… I, being distracted with the TV, excited at the thought of Laura peeing in the garden (she needed the toilet); and disoriented at the lack of lighting in the countryside, managed to miss my footing on the step and crash into the ground, cracking my left foot and skimming the skin off my right leg…
Well… we eventually got back in and my foot was fine… a good thing too because we all woke up this morning to a white world of snow. Interesting holiday!
So on my journey of self discovery… I’ve decide to look at who am I. OK, so it should have been written at the start of the blog but never mind.
Name – Akila. what does my name mean? Well, it means a number of things, mountain, top most, talkative, wisdom, intelligent, famous… I think names are important and have a significance as to who you are… and I’m not just saying that because “Akila” has cool meaning. Everyone shortens my name to “Aki” which means “here” in spanish! … or portuguese… I forget.
Age – Early 20s… which means there is significant pressure to get my qualifications, get married and start making babies. Oh, and know what I’m doing in life.
Gender – I’m a woman, young lady, gal, sheila, worm… according to my sister.
Nationality – So here we enter a debate. Some say I’m british, others say I’m australia. Just to complicate things even more I have spent over 7 years on a ship, in germany or in australia. This doesn’t include the total time spent in 70 odd countries during my life time!
Language – I speak english, american, australian and… that’s it.
Family – In my family, i have sinners, losers, convicts, old people, young people, middle age people, white people, tanned people, different race people, adopted friends, cats, earthlings, heavenlies…
Passions – reading, writing, listening to music, talking, eating, traveling, sun tanning, shopping, buying/making presents, playing games, playing pranks…
History – I was shipwrecked before I was born, I was born, I lived on a ship, got sick, died… I think, got better, lost my hearing, I moved to Germany, then to England, went to school, did more school, met Jesus, fell in love with Jesus, fell outta love with Jesus, lived a crazy life, went to university, fell back in love with Jesus, got sick, got better, took a year out of school, went to the ship, my brother died, went back to university, still at university, travelled all over during my life, meet the world’s greatest people, learnt I’m a rubbish human being that people and God still love…and now trying to work out my future…
So yea… I guess thats me… toodles!
Ah, so where am I in life?
University – Well, I handed in my first essay for the year… thank you Jesus! Now please just let me pass!! I really tired very hard on it! Haha. Not I’m in an in-between stage of waiting to start placement which I think… after a very long process of choices and dead ends… might be in Carlisle. Which, I’m actually very happy about because I can stay at home with the family. Whilst I’m in the in-between stage I’m working on my dissertation which I received an extension for (August)… VERY helpful!
Life – I think life is harder than before in some ways. I’m finding it very hard to express my thoughts and emotions to those around me at the moment. I know, me?! How ironic. But true. I wrote an email to dad that drained the living day lights out of me and I just re-read it today to discover it was only 2 small paragraphs. I’m in a place in life where I’m very confused at what I want. The direction to go. Before I had drive, ambition, vision, motivation… I saw something, I liked it, and I went for it… now I have no clue. I still have my dreams but they’re not bright, they don’t drive… they seem distant. They’re end goals… with no steps in-between. I seem to know what I don’t what, but havent a clue what I do want.
How do I begin to explain my thoughts and feelings to people who just cannot relate. The people closest to me other than my immediate family have no clue what life feels like right now… not spinning a feel sorry for me sob story, but my frustration and loneliness yet again brings to light how empty and detached this world can be. How is it, in a world filled with people, it’s just you at the end of the end? I guess it comes back to the fundamental question of “What is my purpose”, “Who am I”…
Dad sent me Job 28:1-28 where it talks about the mining of Gold and Silver… I guess there’s hope that the darkest times in life is where the treasures are found, and yet again it reminded me, character is formed through digging. Lights, that is what we are and who we are ment to be. Lights in the Darkness. Paths are unknown… so should we be afraid if we’re walking with The Lantern? I guess that’s the challenge.
I feel like I’ve been pushing away a lot of things recently, even thought it might be easier to push pain away, I miss out on treasures… Isaiah has been on my mind a lot in recent times… not sure why. But I guess where I am in life is somewhere along the journey of finding the ability to accept and walk in strength of paths unknown… I will never know the path before me, and other than who I am in Jesus, I’ll never be anything more… once I fully work that out… maybe I’ll work out how to walk confidently in the darkness with just The Lantern.
Gold and silver are mined, then purified; the same is done with iron and copper. Miners carry lanterns deep into the darkness to search for these metals. They dig tunnels in distant, unknown places, where they dangle by ropes. Far beneath the grain fields, fires are built to break loose those rocks that have jewels or gold. Miners go to places unseen by the eyes of hawks; they walk on soil unknown to the proudest lions. With their own hands they remove sharp rocks and uproot mountains. They dig through the rocks in search of jewels and precious metals. They also uncover the sources of rivers and discover secret places. But where is wisdom found? No human knows the way. Nor can it be discovered in the deepest sea. It is worth much more than silver or pure gold or precious stones. Nothing is its equal– not gold or costly glass. Wisdom is worth much more than coral, jasper, or rubies. All the topaz of Ethiopia and the finest gold cannot compare with it. Where then is wisdom? It is hidden from human eyes and even from birds. Death and destruction have merely heard rumors about where it is found. God is the only one who knows the way to wisdom, because he sees everything beneath the heavens. When God divided out the wind and the water, and when he decided the path for rain and lightning, he also determined the truth and defined wisdom. God told us, “Wisdom means that you respect me, the Lord, and turn from sin.”
Job 28: 1-28
Wow.. this has definitely been the longest I haven’t written… and I certainly do have a lot to write. For now though I’ll spare you the rambling long messages and spread my thoughts out. Lets update you!
So for the past 3 weeks Fitz has been in England, which isn’t the direct reason why I haven’t been writing, but the indirect reason as my mind has been in a tumble of thoughts and the easiest at the time was to not process them. Hmmm… smart move, not sure where to start now!
It was really great having him here and we managed to do a whole load of things…
attend a party, road trip, chill, visit mike’s grave, go out with a friend, go bowling, visit friends, spend valentines together, go to the cinema, visit the lakes, go to Keswick, eat out, play board games, walk, talk, watch him cut down a tree, mark the 6 month anniversary of Mike’s death, go to a football match, watch the Superbowl, play pool (and beat him), chill in the jacuzzi, watch the stars, go down memory lane…
my mind is going blank but i sure know every day was something new… I also know we did a lot of compartmentalising. Goodbye was on the horizon for another possible 10 months… its easier to not invest yourself into the relationship right? Well, come say goodbye and what happens, it hurts just as much and you wonder why you never just went for it in the first place…
I’m so happy he came to England, he’s such a great guy and I appreciate him so so so much… even though I don’t always show that!