It’s official… I haven’t a clue what God is doing in my life. I don’t understand Him. I don’t know what to do because there are so many issues that are multi dependant on each other and I whether I do something or nothing about them… there are consequences. What is right? What is the right thing to do?
Does God care how I feel? That I want to move away from where I am now and be with family? What’s more important? Education or happiness?
We continually ask God “open doors, and close doors” … so why do some doors appear to be open and then get slammed on you as you try walking through it? What if what God could be saying… you disagree with way more than you agree with it?
As I wrote on Facebook “I have no idea what God is doing… or where He’s leading me. It seems the only thing I do know is whether I walk to the left or the right, I can’t move away from the centre of His will… but what on earth is it because I just don’t know what to do anymore…”
It’s been 19 weeks and 6 days, or, 4 months 2 weeks and 2 days since Mike died. It’s been an additional 3 weeks since I last saw my brother, the 11th or 12th of July.
What makes me really sad is, I can’t for the life of me remember when the last time I saw him was, what we did, what was said? I left to go back to the ship on the 12th of July, but I don’t think I said goodbye to Mike because he was at work… but I don’t know…
I think all this time the overall sadness and pain of Mike’s death, in all it’s dynamics, was fuelled with “I can’t believe Mike’s dead”… But last night I realised “Mike’s not coming back”… I know I’m entering another part of the grieving process and it’s all normal… but it doesn’t feel that way. I wish I could remember my last moments with Mike…