Step Into My World…

I just can’t seem to…Part 2.


So, a couple days ago I brought up something that I’ve been thinking about, but I couldn’t really work out my thoughts or feelings exactly… see the post “I just can’t seem to...” Anyways, I asked for some insight from you all and I’ve received a really good response! Thanks everyone for your help!

A family member talked about the need to have a thankful heart and not let Satan ruin the blessings that came through that period of life; a friend suggested that what I was feeling is really normal considering the situations in life at the minute; and another friend suggested sometimes it’s only after something happens, or doesn’t happen, or we lose something… do we realise it’s value. So! After some reflection, I realised that combined, I think all these things are very true. 

In an immediate and short-term level, on the ship after Mike died and before I went home, so many people did so many really awesome things that made me feel so loved. But it was only once I arrived back in England, a couple days later, and after “recovering” from the initial shock of hearing Mike died, that I could really appreciate those awesome people and their actions. I found it hard to enjoy myself during those special moments because I was so caught up, rightfully, in shock and confusion. But in time, I was able to so so so enjoy reflecting back on these things and smiling at it all.

Instead of the inital shock and confusion of Mike dying, I realised I am still very much going through the process of Mike’s death. But this time, dealing with a far far far greater consuming picture. Every day is a different battle, one being realising what I had, didnt have, and lost…

The best advice I was ever given as a result of Mike’s death was firstly, initially by and man and his wife from the ship, was “Let the emotions come the way they come, and don’t try and cover it“. Secondly, from a close friend, “It’s OK to be angry, confused, ask questions, shout, swear…

I honestly think people are so afraid to deal and admit emotion, especially in the Christian world because it can be seen as “ungrateful, selfish, not rejoicing in your sufferings…” But God is bigger than that. Being REAL is THE way to go through these things! Because, I believe, being real is the only way to acknowledge an issue, grow, learn, and heal…

So, where am I in life? Well, in light of the advice, experience, and wisdom of those around me… I am still in the centre of dealing with Mike’s Death. What I say or write is part of working my feelings and thoughts out. A jumble of many mixed emotions competing against each other… (I also wrote a poem about this under the post ‘Breathless‘”) Whilst I’m confused as ever over somethings, I believe I am now clear if I just keep moving forward, refusing to let Satan have a strong hold, and keep injecting reflection, trust in God, and thankfulness… one day, I will be able to see the complete Glory of God in this situation….

Thank You everyone… I’m still learning so please do feel free to comment or email as I greatly appreciate you caring to walk this road with me 🙂


One response

  1. Dad

    Brilliant! If only more people took the time to reflect. You are a wonderful daughter and make me very proud. Keep being you. Dad

    November 27, 2009 at 12:08 am

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