Step Into My World…

Archive for November 24, 2009

I just can’t seem to…

Hey!

Ok, I need advice, I can’t put my finger on something. Maybe you can help me because it’s something that’s been bothering me, and I wanna get to the bottom of it!

This year I was going to turn 21…FINALLY! Deep down I was really excited, kinda hoped my birthday would be as sweet as I heard about 21st! Early into the year I discovered I’d be spending it in the Caribbean. Talked about excited! It was a secret dream I had for 4 years, spending it with those I loved in the Caribbean, I couldn’t help but think of some of the things I could get up to!

As it got closer, being on the ship, I did bring it up to people around me. But tried really hard not to hope or have any expectations because in my experience, these things never happen the way you’d like them too. In fact, I even took my birthday off Facebook so no one would know…

Closer and closer it got, and it was bothering me a lot that my family were not going to be with me. Since I was 11, I’ve only spent my real birthday with my family twice. Every year I spent it at camp…yes it was my choice, and would I change that? Probably not, but I just really wanted my family to be with me on my 21st. They weren’t for my 18th, I spent it alone, and My 21st meant so much to me for so many reasons, a very special time…

17 days before my 21st birthday, Mike died, and I went back to England. 5 days before my birthday, I buried my brother.

I was and still am so grateful to God, He knew Mike was going to died, so instead of giving me 1 awesome day for my birthday. He blessed me so so so much leading up to Mike’s Death, in amongst the funeral planning and at the funeral, and after we buried Mike.

I was able to see Mike one last time before I sailed and said goodbye to him before he died. My Man asked me on a date and we’ve been together ever since. I sailed from Ireland to Saint Vincent on the best voyage ever. The day Mike died my Man took me with two good friends to the beach and just stood hugging me in the sea as I talked, laughed and cried about Mike…Going back to England was an incredible experience. So many people came to be with us as a family. Family and friends from all over the globe, Australia, America, Europe, Caribbean… no way would they have all come for my 21st so I felt so blessed that they were all there close enough to it…I spent my 21st at camp, with some of the worlds greatest friends. My sister and my Man were both there. My two best friends. And the group made my day feel as special as they could, baking me a cake, singing happy birthday every second they could, pinning me down and drowning me with 21 cups of water…THEN…the immediate family went to spend a week in America with some very close family friends. Again, this was an incredible time …

But why…even after all that, do I feel sad? I wouldn’t have it any other way, I wouldn’t even consider trading what I did have those 6 weeks for what I had in my mind… but, there’s something on my heart, that I can’t work out. I’m not happy… and I don’t know why, I’m not even sure what I’m looking for… I wondered if it’s a selfish attitude, but I don’t think so, I’m so grateful and thankful to everyone and God… maybe it’s just something that should of been an awesome memory, is something certainly special, but overshadowed and tarnished with pain…

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