Step Into My World…

Forgiving God…


…Did I really just say that?! Yup. I did.

This year at MTO (missionary teens camp) we were going through a section of the Lord’s Prayer each day, and around the third day from when we buried Mike, we were looking at the section, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us…”

Forgive God!? Akila No!! How can we possibly forgive God because that would mean He has done something wrong! How can GOD ever do anything wrong! Well…that’s the reaction I pretty much got from the girls in my group. But I asked them, “Girls, you may not understand what it’s like to lose your brother for no Earthly reason and conclude that God took him, but you do know what it’s like to deal with the consequences of God telling your parents to move, you’re the one who have to leave your home country, forced to say goodbye to friends, to deal with loneliness and pain, and not by choice. So many times we have to do things that we don’t agree with because of our parent’s choices and obedience to God, and so many times we suffer through it, unable to understand really why God told them to do it, even though it’s apparently in our best interests”

I think, God is like a parent, making decisions that we as kids don’t understand, and it hurts! It’s confusing and painful! But we somehow trust our mum/dad. “So thats acceptance not forgiveness Akila”…the girls said to me. “No”, I told them. Whilst God’s plans are of good, and not of evil, we as humans don’t understand them. In order for us to move on from something… in order for us to say “It’s Ok, I don’t understand, but I’m going to say Ok”… We need our pain to be acknowledged…that is a form of forgiveness…

Amateur and out my depth didn’t even come close to what I felt after saying that…but somewhere deep down I knew I was on a journey with God, trying to understand this new dynamic of God’s character…

The last night of MTO, we had a Worship Bonfire, and as I was stood with Fitz, and everyone was singing or praying…I was looking around me, just devastated that a year before Mike was there with us, enjoying the Worship Bonfire. Emotionally, I was in a place where I had no idea where Mike was. His Spirit left His Body…but where? Is he with God in Heaven? Is he asleep? Is he in an “in between” place?

I felt so lost and hurt, and as a sister I needed to know where he was. I needed to know he’s Ok. Stood under the stars, I felt so small in the galaxy and that just multiplied the sense of Mike being lost… I decided to talk to the couple that lead MTO to try and get some clarity to my questions…I eventually went over to them on the other side of the fire, but I completely burst into tears and couldnt even say the words I needed to say…

Dan and Suzie gave me a massive hug and Dan said, “Akila, I believe God wants me to tell you something, and I’ve been sitting here for about 45 minutes trying to decide whether I should come to you, or if you will come to us…Akila, I believe God wants me to tell you three things, 1. Mike knew you loved him, 2. God wants you to know He is so sorry you are hurting, He’s so sorry for all the tears you have cried. But He wants you to know that He has cried each tear with you. And 3. Mike is dancing. Have you ever seen Mike dance? Akila, Mike is very much alive, and he’s so consumed in this wild dance with God, that he may not even know he’s gone…”

I love My God. He doesn’t mind when I say I need to Forgive Him, or when I feel like I need to challenge Him to acknowledge my hurt…He cares about the details and knows even before I do, my thoughts…and He goes further to prepare someone with His answers before I even ask the questions…in fact…I didnt even have to say anything to Dan for God to speak the words I needed to hear through Dan. Where ever Mike was, I knew He is, is safe, alive, and happy, intertwined with God.

God is God…but He’s also my Best Friend. I have a lot to learn, but I know I wont learn it being afraid that I might step on His toes…He’s Gracious for a reason, He wants us to try and learn more about Him…so don’t be afraid to stand on his toes…Don’t kids enjoy playing that game where they stand on their parents feet and walk together face to face holding hands?

God doesn’t do it as a game…He does it for Real…


3 responses

  1. sue lewis

    Dear Akila,
    I am so glad that I got to know you just a little bit this year on the ship. You blessed me so much with this writing. Thank you. I really can say that from the bottom of my heart.
    Sue Lewis

    November 23, 2009 at 6:55 am

  2. akilaknight

    Hey Sue!

    It was awesome getting to know you a little too! I’m so encouraged you were able to get something out of what was written. Thank you Jesus! May God continue to bless you and speak to you on your journy with Him!
    Stay in touch!


    November 23, 2009 at 6:12 pm

  3. Mark D

    Hi Akila,

    I was just working through your Dad’s Blog, and came across the one where he says to visit your site…Thanks so much for this clear presentation of ‘forgiving God’! It’s so real. I have just been to Face to Face in South Africa, and had the priviledge of working through some similar issues with those we had on the course. PTL for Dan & Susie! God used them in a special way!

    December 15, 2009 at 1:52 pm

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