Step Into My World…

Archive for October 26, 2009

Breathless

Mind hears drumming,

Thoughts hear silence,

Heart screams pain,

Defence suffocates,

Soul cries out,

Fear cements marks,

Nights close in,

Sleep deprivation wins,

Busyness pushes,

Sickness hinders,

Escape wanted,

Relief brinks extinction,

Confusion twists,

Rational beats,

Sadness completes,

Darkness surrounds,

Pressure drains,

Witnesses watch,

Fight is identity,

Hurt over shadows,

Memories are tainted,

Dreams are stolen,

Loss is DNA,

Guilt overpowers,

Mindless strength is my drug.

THIS is how I honestly feel. I’m tired of saying I’m “ok” or I’m “fine”. THIS is a massive challenge. I feel lost and confused. Yet my mind, heart and soul is torn in the opposite direction knowing God is my Saviour.

I am so fed up of feeling conflicting emotions…of realising how much has changed…for feeling guilty all the time…for struggling to communicate to others how I am and then feeling shit for bring those listening down….for being lonely… im sick of being sad when I am so blessed, but then I hate feeling blessed when I wanna be sad…

I don’t like that it is winter and im indoors all the time…im tired of people dying clouding my thoughts all day long…I hate complaining, I hate feeling like an alien, I hate not being able to relate to others…and i HATE being watched by others, but im also encouraged…

im fed up of feeling like I missed out in life, some of the biggest moments in my life tarnished and trampled…but then, why do I feel like that when I have been given so much?  I have and keep talking to god about all these things, and keep giving it to him…but it still hurts…I feel like a giant secret and I just want God to help me through this.

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