Step Into My World…

Archive for October 18, 2009

Dedication Video Of Mike

I just wanted this on my blog somewhere!

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Hey!

Hey Blog!

Dad actually brought me this website in Feb for Valantine’s Day…and I have JUST had a bash at it. In a way I wish I had of started this a long time ago, but ah well, this moment in time is just as good as any other! I have to say, some of these “skins” you can chose for your blog are pretty lame!

What exciting things can I write about…well, I have been meaning to journal my life a bit since I can remember, so may this will force me to be a little more dedicated! Haha.

To be honest, things are a bit strange at this moment in time. I’ve had the most insane couple months…well couple years…ok, my whole life has been a bit mad! I really should write my story one day! Anyways, since I’ve been back to university, whilst I’m very excited to FINALLY be in my Final Year…9 months and it’s all over!! Haha…hmmm, that’s not what it sounded like!…I’m also struggling.

It’s been such a strange experience since Mike died, and it’s only been 11 weeks since THAT happend! One of the biggest things I have really struggled with is connecting with people. Does anyone realise how hard that is?! That’s certainly something I’ve always taken for granted as a sociable and out going person. But for a while I struggled so much to make an effort with people, even people I was really close to! I wasn’t the depressive type (I don’t think!), I just couldn’t relate to anyone! I was so happy to just sit and “Be”, just watch my friends and those I was with…but at the same time, I felt like I was locked up in a secret prison in my mind. On the outside you look “normal”, because, well, you’re acting normal…but on the inside it is literally like the world’s most intense tennis match!! When I got to university, I sat there in lectures and just thought…”you have no idea what I am going through”. It made me realise yet again, you can never judge a person from the outside. Even if you think you know them. It’s crazy. But it made me also understand in greater depth, about how alone people can be…even to the point of understanding more about why people would commit suicide. The other thing I have been learning in all this, is how difficult it can be to express myself. It’s known that some languages only have 5 different types of emotions, and apparently in the English dictionary we have over 200 expressions of emotions. UH! Well! I’m certainly going through some of these emotions that I don’t even have names for!! So yea, whilst I’m happy I’m here at university, it’s also an very lonely place. Especially when you are literally on your own! I’ve discovered, even if I don’t interact with people, I prefer having people around me.

But in saying ALL that, God has been forever faithful and he’s been here with me every step of the way. The first day I came back, dad brought me and all my stuff down…honestly, I DO pack the kitchen sink!!…and once he left, I started unpacking all my things in my new flat, and I found my daily bible verse calander…i, in my lonely state, turned to October 6th and this is what it said…

“Do you know what it means to feel a child’s trusting hand in yours? think what My Heart feels, when in your helplessness you turn to Me, clinging, desiring My Love and Protection. Could I fail you? Never”…Inspired by Isaiah 49:15… “Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for a child she borne? Even if that were possible, I would not forget you!”