Mind hears drumming,
Thoughts hear silence,
Heart screams pain,
Soul cries out,
Fear cements marks,
Nights close in,
Sleep deprivation wins,
Relief brinks extinction,
Fight is identity,
Hurt over shadows,
Memories are tainted,
Dreams are stolen,
Loss is DNA,
Mindless strength is my drug.
THIS is how I honestly feel. I’m tired of saying I’m “ok” or I’m “fine”. THIS is a massive challenge. I feel lost and confused. Yet my mind, heart and soul is torn in the opposite direction knowing God is my Saviour.
I am so fed up of feeling conflicting emotions…of realising how much has changed…for feeling guilty all the time…for struggling to communicate to others how I am and then feeling shit for bring those listening down….for being lonely… im sick of being sad when I am so blessed, but then I hate feeling blessed when I wanna be sad…
I don’t like that it is winter and im indoors all the time…im tired of people dying clouding my thoughts all day long…I hate complaining, I hate feeling like an alien, I hate not being able to relate to others…and i HATE being watched by others, but im also encouraged…
im fed up of feeling like I missed out in life, some of the biggest moments in my life tarnished and trampled…but then, why do I feel like that when I have been given so much? I have and keep talking to god about all these things, and keep giving it to him…but it still hurts…I feel like a giant secret and I just want God to help me through this.
Motivation? How on Earth does one stay motivated in life when everything around them keeps changing and they can’t keep up with all the stress it gives? What about when you realise you made a BIG mistake and made a life decision that actually…was a pretty bad idea?
Like moving somewhere, paying a couple thousand for it, and discovering that after a few months living there you are going to be transferred a couple hundred miles away and have no use for the place you live in now, someone very close to you dies and you want to be close to your family, and the place you thought you would be living was far more hassle than it was worth? What if you had a gut feeling about things before they happened and then when they happen you think why did you listen to people who are suppose to be wise and not your own simple “gut feelings”?
My situation is different from yours, but I know we all have situations like that…I guess all you can do is give it over to God and hold onto the fact that nothing can shake you from His plans when you are walking close to Him. Isaiah 30:21 says “Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a gentle voice behind you saying ‘This is the way, walk in it.'”
today’s been pretty average so i thought i’d tell you what happened to me yeserday…
my flat is, what i thought 30/40 feet high, well, it’s more like 60 feet…anways, i sat down in my nice comfy chair with my feet up to watch fresh prince…and after a little while i heard this strange noise…oh it must be next door vaccuming…but hang on, what’s this weird reflection in my laptop…wait, it’s moving!?…quick turn around?!…
you wouldn’t believe it, there were two random guys standing outside my window?! 60 feet up!!! dude no window and they would walked right in!!!
ok, so they were on a crane and they were going up to the roof, but hello?! what if i was getting changed!!!! it’ not like i could of ducked and hid on the floor….their view woulda got better the higher they went!!!!
today at university we were studing how to identify abuse…. physical, emotional, neglect and sexual.
man…it’s such a scary situation! how is it possibe to ever fight such a psycho element of our DNA? we’ve all been abused in some form and we all abuse…and it’s a shame we can’t identify those who are going to be serious abusers in our lives so we can avoid them and all the hurt they inflict…
it’s so scary to think of all the pain and hurt a person can go through because of my own and your own stupid, senseless, evil actions that could, can and does contribute to abuse…it’s scary to think how alone victims can feel; it’s scary to think the defenseless can’t stand up for themselves and get walked all over; it’s scary to think how ignorant society can be; it’s scary to think those who should believe don’t; it’s scary to think people LIE about abuse…victims have even less of a chance to be “heard and believed”; it’s scary to think that even with evidence authority turns a blind eye; it’s scary to think someone could end their life because of what you said or did; it’s scary to think that victims often reflect their own abuse on their children; it’s scary to think this battle is being lost….
Challenge – treat people the way you wanna be treated, and stand up against abuse!
Man, I miss you like crazy you little rat-bag! Last time I wrote you a little message I was super sad, I still am, I still think about you all the time, but I’m also kinda excited.
In my last message to you, I told you how proud I was of you. Mike, God has still been using your death in such big ways. It’s so exciting to see. I don’t know if you can see all that is going on from where you are, but, we’ve decided to create a trust fund in memory of you. You may not lived out your dreams and passions here on Earth, but we want to sow your visions and desires into the lives of others like you, so that they can reap the harvest we would have seen you reap.
Haha, I miss you Mike, all the times I didn’t have a clue how to use my computer, you were the only other person with “vista” and you could show me all the ropes. Now I have to try and work it out on my own…I’m getting better at it! Mike, we’re in the middle of creating a website for your trust, and man, I’ve been working hard at it!!! I haven’t a clue about websites and so this has been a little challenge! Laura has been helping too, but you can be proud of me for a moment!! Haha.
Mike, whilst I’ve been creating this trust there has been that little part of me that thought “F the trust I’d rather have you back!” Today we got some really exciting news. there’s some one who use to work with Simon Cowell and helped to developed the Spice Girls, has given us his electric guitar to auction to raise money for the trust!!! Mike, God is so unbelievably gracious. I don’t think he minds me being human and being selfish and wanting you back. I think he’s bigger than that…but what I’m yet again humbled at is not only does he understand and gracious enough to forgive my selfish attitude, but he cares enough to orchestrate things and situations to make your death worth it. Like today, with this person. Mike that was my prayer all along, that God would use your death in powerful ways. You were worth a lot to me so I will boldly stamp my feet and demand God to Shine His Glory. I am ok with you being gone, because I know god is going to use your death powerfully, and he faithfully has been.
I came across this today, “The cry of the human soul is never unheard. It is never that God does not hear the cry, but that man fails to hear the response.” Inspired by Psalm 6 vs 9… “The lord has heard my plea, he will answer my prayer.”
I found it encouraging and challenging for a number of reasons…thank you God, you really are amazing.
Mike, I miss you, and I still cry so much for you all the time. You have by far won the “guy to make me cry the most” contest! Haha. Can’t wait to see you, and when I do, I am gonna jump on you and give you the biggest hug! You better still be taller than me! Thanks for being a great brother.
I’ve also been thinking about how you gave me your approval on Fitzy. Maybe I would never of know otherwise if you didn’t, but because you did, I’m so glad, because now looking at the situation, I would of hated not knowing if I had your approval. At the end of the day, you have been my protector whether you realised it or not, my one and only “big” brother. So I’m glad you met Fitzy and got to know him well enough to give him approval, you never did like any of the other ones did you 🙂 it means so much to me Mike. Thank you.
Not sure if you “rest” in Heaven, but it is night time here, so sweet dreams. Love you.
Happy Feet and Casting Crowns have invaded my mind alot recently! I’ve been thinking alot about my “Lifesong”, particularly “…may the words I say, and the things I do, make my lifesong sing, bring a smile to you…”
If I asked you what the world’s greatest weapon was, what would you say? I’d say Sex. But you know what I think the world’s greatest secret weapon, one that doesn’t get talked about nearly as much as sex does…Grace. Man, after playing those words to that Casting Crowns song over and over in my mind for the last week or so, with the faithful images of Happy Feet tap dancing across my brain…I have realised more than ever, the power of Grace and within that, Mercy, Kindness and Generosity. What a difference it makes me feel when a random stranger smiles at me, when a friend acknowledges me, when my family forgive me, when a loved one blesses me…what a difference it makes to be hugged, kissed, to hear kind and loving words, to see a kind a thoughtful action…it suprises me alot to hear people complain about this world, when honestly, start practicing a little more Grace in your life and really think about the things you do or say, and the power of change lies with you. And what if they don’t deserve it? Well isn’t that what Grace is? There’s a fine line between reality and candy floss land, but Grace should never be compromised in your life. My challenge to you is have a think about your “Lifesong” and start/continue developing Grace in your life…Trust me, it’ll be worth it!
“Smile and the whole world will smile back.” Laura Knight.
I just wanted this on my blog somewhere!
Dad actually brought me this website in Feb for Valantine’s Day…and I have JUST had a bash at it. In a way I wish I had of started this a long time ago, but ah well, this moment in time is just as good as any other! I have to say, some of these “skins” you can chose for your blog are pretty lame!
What exciting things can I write about…well, I have been meaning to journal my life a bit since I can remember, so may this will force me to be a little more dedicated! Haha.
To be honest, things are a bit strange at this moment in time. I’ve had the most insane couple months…well couple years…ok, my whole life has been a bit mad! I really should write my story one day! Anyways, since I’ve been back to university, whilst I’m very excited to FINALLY be in my Final Year…9 months and it’s all over!! Haha…hmmm, that’s not what it sounded like!…I’m also struggling.
It’s been such a strange experience since Mike died, and it’s only been 11 weeks since THAT happend! One of the biggest things I have really struggled with is connecting with people. Does anyone realise how hard that is?! That’s certainly something I’ve always taken for granted as a sociable and out going person. But for a while I struggled so much to make an effort with people, even people I was really close to! I wasn’t the depressive type (I don’t think!), I just couldn’t relate to anyone! I was so happy to just sit and “Be”, just watch my friends and those I was with…but at the same time, I felt like I was locked up in a secret prison in my mind. On the outside you look “normal”, because, well, you’re acting normal…but on the inside it is literally like the world’s most intense tennis match!! When I got to university, I sat there in lectures and just thought…”you have no idea what I am going through”. It made me realise yet again, you can never judge a person from the outside. Even if you think you know them. It’s crazy. But it made me also understand in greater depth, about how alone people can be…even to the point of understanding more about why people would commit suicide. The other thing I have been learning in all this, is how difficult it can be to express myself. It’s known that some languages only have 5 different types of emotions, and apparently in the English dictionary we have over 200 expressions of emotions. UH! Well! I’m certainly going through some of these emotions that I don’t even have names for!! So yea, whilst I’m happy I’m here at university, it’s also an very lonely place. Especially when you are literally on your own! I’ve discovered, even if I don’t interact with people, I prefer having people around me.
But in saying ALL that, God has been forever faithful and he’s been here with me every step of the way. The first day I came back, dad brought me and all my stuff down…honestly, I DO pack the kitchen sink!!…and once he left, I started unpacking all my things in my new flat, and I found my daily bible verse calander…i, in my lonely state, turned to October 6th and this is what it said…
“Do you know what it means to feel a child’s trusting hand in yours? think what My Heart feels, when in your helplessness you turn to Me, clinging, desiring My Love and Protection. Could I fail you? Never”…Inspired by Isaiah 49:15… “Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for a child she borne? Even if that were possible, I would not forget you!”