Last night I read this article about “How Guys Really Feel About Sex With Virgins.” And I have to say I came away feeling a bit disappointed. I mean, the article was in the Daily Mail and referred me to a site called “Jezebel.Com” So to be fair it was a bit of a hint for a disappointing article! But like Pandora’s Box the article got me thinking and before I knew it I started peeling the onion layers of my brain.

Here’s what I eventually worked out that was disappointing me. Firstly, many guys don’t think virginity is a big deal. Secondly, many other guys think virginity is a big deal. Now why are BOTH those things a disappointment? Because of the attitudes and motivation behind them. Let me explain.

Why is virginity a big deal? Oh heck, I’m not “qualified” to give this answer… and if I did answer this, how much time do you have for me to explain this whole concept of virginity and its true identity. Today I’m not actually going to answer this one. I think most of us have some sort of understanding why virginity can be a big deal to others. Today I want to focus on the second part of my disappointment.

For many many many people someone’s virginity is very important. As a Christian we’re not suppose to have sex before marriage because of what it represents. Now if you understood what it represented you would understand why it’s such a big deal and since I’m not explaining that part today (of why it’s such a big deal) you’re just going to have to trust me. What virginity represents IS a big deal.

I have heard many people say they’re virgins and waiting for the right person. I think these decisions are personal. Between you and God. And I find anyone making these decisions incredibly admirable. In this day and age where sex is no big deal according to Western society… I think it’s great that people feel they can go against the pressure to follow what everyone else is doing. But here’s where I start to have a problem. Of course when you wait for someone… even to the point of reserving your first kiss for the one you think might be your life long partner… you would hope they did the same. “I waited for you“. There’s a lot of emotional, spiritual, mental and physical energy going into waiting. And what an achievement and amazing experience it will be to get to your wedding night knowing you waited. But what if he or she didn’t wait? What if you are not his or her first one? I do understand the complications of these things. I get it why it’d be complex of marrying someone who didn’t wait. But what I’ve heard in my conversations with some people, is an attitude of self-righteousness that is actually… hate to say it… comes across as condemnation.

I have no doubt… absolutely no doubt that God honors those who love and obey Him. I honestly believe that if one waits God will bless him or her. I don’t know what kind of blessings they are but I just know He would. But allow me to say something… God told us to love one another as God loves the church. The body of Christ is broken, screwed up, delusional, sinful, negative and just…yuck. But God still loves us all. And continually He challenges us to do the same. Let me hold it there and bring another thread of thought into this…

God’s forgiven me for everything… my past, my present and my future. Everything I have ever done, am doing and will do. The bible is clear that through Jesus every tiny fragment of sin is washed away. Now, dad and I were recently discussing Laura and I going out for her birthday and he made a comment about me getting drunk. The way the comment was phrased made it a worthless comment. It wasn’t positive, it wasn’t uplifting, it wasn’t anything. In fact it got to me that much that I turned to him and said “Why are you talking shit?” … Which of course then turned the focus of the topic. Oh deeear… I’m still learning. But later when he and I talked about it I explained to him, “Dad, that comment did nothing. It didn’t achieve anything. There was nothing positive. It was just a worthless comment.” Now it did achieve something, it achieved a strong sence of condemnation. It has been years since I was in that place of going out and getting drunk all the time. But in dad’s mind, he still held me in a place where I was no longer there and actually, the seriousness of it was he preventing me from moving forward. Even after all of this time.

Throughout my social work training we were constantly reminded that disabilities don’t isolate people from society, people do. Their attitudes towards people who have disabilities. Let me give you an example, just this past week I watched a TV show where a disabled lady gave birth to a healthy child and the midwife asked her who was going to look after the baby. The lady replied, “ME of course.” People somehow think that physically disabilities and mental disabilities go hand in hand. It’s true they often do but a person is not automatically mentally disabled just because they are physically disabled. And visa versa. The relevance of this illustartion being, she WAS able to care for her child but we assume too much.

Whether we realise it or not, we hold people in a place where they are not supposed to be. Really think about this and be honest to yourself because at the end of the day… you don’t want to be doing that to those around you. Not when you’re trying to demonstrate the love of God to them.

Let’s go back to the virginity topic. For all of those who made the decision to not wait, and then got serious about God and decided to wait. I have equal respect for you as I do for those who waited in the first place. I find it so admirable that you would mentally, physically, motionally and spiritually fight against learnt behaviour, addiction, ”cravings” and not give in.

I understand that my future husband has a story. I understand there are things that I may not like or will find hard. But I know that if he is who God thinks I should marry… then everything will fall into place. Let me put this another way… it does not matter if you have a squeaky clean story or one that has more adventures than Indiana Jones… unless the two of you are walking with God… then to put it bluntly… welcome to hell-hood. The only way a marriage works is if God is in the picture.

I’m not underpaying anyone’s desire to marry a virgin and I’m not advocating to rush out and do a Hosea by marrying a prostitute. What am I saying is don’t fear missing out on God’s blessings. Don’t fear someone with a story… because you too have one. Don’t let your attitude towards your achievements become attitudes of condemnation towards others. And most importantly, don’t hold each other in a place that they are no longer in. I know it’s hard to not look at someone and see their flaws… but I challenge you to challenge yourself on this. I’m learning a lot about all this too. The moral of the story is basically this, the fundamental truth of Jesus is if you walk with Him, He will bless you. And in regards to this topic… With WHOEVER that is

Can I just say, insomnia sucks. So I’ve decided to kill time by blogging my random thoughts.

Let me start with this. Dad has always said he was an “all or nothing kinda guy.” I’ve always tried to tell him that doesn’t need to be the case. He is capable of finding a middle ground between the two. Now I think it’s just plain critical he learns this. Today he found out we’re using far too much heating… so he’s turned it OFF. Now I’m thinking that when I wake up tomorrow morning I’ll be able to see my breath. I even considered starting a sign up on my Facebook status to see who would be kind enough to share their body heat with me. Job description, “Pretend to be a teddy bear.”

This brings me to discuss my intense desire to jump around my room and try to breakdance at night. How did I get there from talking about heating? Well, dancing keeps you warm right? Quite logical trail of thought actually. But no, no… I took a different route of thinking. I thought “Teddy”, then “Teddy Bear’s Picnic”, then “music”, then dancing. I don’t know why but I’ve always struggled with my sleeping patterns… Often I find myself getting to the point of the only way I’m able to sleep is to pass out from exhaustion. So you can imagine my frustration that I seem to get a second wind in the evening and suddenly have all this energy. So of course I’m trying to think of all the things I can do at 11.30pm to get rid of this energy. And the only thing I can think of is to jump around my room and attempt to breakdance! The only problem is I just KNOW dad’s gonna come storming downstairs all like “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Epic fail.

Talking about epic fails. I haven’t done anything too stupid today… in fact I think it’s been a relatively embaressment-free week. Coming to think about it… I can’t really think of the last stupid thing I did…

I played pool last night and was like “awwww I wish I had a pool table.” I need to find a friend who has one and hang out with them. Not cos they have a pool table. I’m not that abusive of friendships. I want to hang out with them because I value them (and the fact that they let me hangout with them and their pool table ). Laura finished her exams yesterday so we went for a quiet drink in the afternoon. And we did, we had coca cola! We were with Cody who informed us that he hoped to see a mutual friend of ours so he could throw his Greggs at him. Did I say the mutual friend is in the police who would have been working when the hypothetical flying Geggs incident happened? Excellent! :S Maybe writing about someone thinking of “assaulting” a police officer is a crime. Oh well, SOMEHOW I’ll end up in trouble over this whether Cody chucks a Greggs or not. I might need to start working on my sprints to run away from our police friend

My room smells of sour strawberry laces. I gotta stop eating them!! Tonight I watched this programme about parents spying on their kids whilst on holiday and it got me thinking how TV produce shows like that when there’s a lot of deceit involved. Isn’t the one of the major ethical issues to avoid? I’m quite looking forward to working and being paid to work.

Alright… that’s enough for now!

So continuing on from my original post about the Road Trip I went on… here’s part two!

I arrived at my cousin’s house late… took something like an hour and a half longer than it should have. Making my road trip from Toowoomba to Bundaberg something like 7 and a half hours long. Thankfully they were so nice and waited for me to show up before digging into the BBQ they’d prepared! Oopsieeee :P The next day, Tuesday the 20th was pretty chillaxed just hanging out with the cousins and so was the Wednesday. Actually having said that Matt badly burnt his hand and I don’t know what pain killers he took but he was off his face!! LOL! On Wednesday night however I decided to stay with my auntie who was living near by to my cousin’s place. Auntie Paula and my cousins Matt and Dan had moved in with Auntie Judy and her son Isaac… and Auntie Judy’s daughter Sarah and Sarah’s boyfriend came to stay a few days so it was a full house!!

Wednesday night was really where the start of a long list of ridiculous adventures started. We all played a round in the pool, it’s still warm all night long to jump in the pool, and made whirlpools and tried to wrestle each other off our “partners” shoulders. I find it creepy when someone grabs my feet in a swimming pool so of course Matt constantly tried to grab my feet. After the pool we watched “Tomorrow When The War Began” and just as we were rounding up the evening to had to bed Auntie Paula told us “We have no toilet paper, no tissues, no nothing to wipe our butts.” So Dan, Matt and I jumped in the car and went trooping around the streets at 1am to find a petrol station that was still open and selling toilet paper.

Thankfully the only open petrol station was indeed selling toilet paper. Dan parked the car and went to buy some. Since it was late he had to go to the little counter outside and not go inside. So he asks for toilet paper and tries to pay on his mum’s card which was declined. But as the transaction was being authorised (before it was declined) the lady was trying to shove the toilet paper through the tiniest little hole at the counter. Dan was like “Mate, you’re going to have to open th doors and let me come in!” … Hmmm dodgy. So then the card gets declined and he comes back to the car and get’s another one of his mum’s cards but this time the pin isn’t working. The service lady looked at him and asked “Is this your card?” and Dan’s like “No it’s my mum’s” and she’s all like “Well you’re going to have to call her and get the pin.” And Dan goes “I don’t have a phone.” So she just looks at him like “I’m not sure I’m believing anything your saying” and slowly slides the card back across the counter with one finger and not takin her eyes off him. AWKWARD. So Dan gets back in the car and is like “Let’s get out of here before the cops come.” I’m like, “Guys I have cash drop me off, park somewhere she wont see you and I’ll get the toilet paper.” Ironically we were all needing the toilet at this point and so no toilet paper really wasn’t an option! But Dan was like “Nah! I’ve got nothing to hide” So he drives literally right up to the window and left just enough room for me to squeeze out and stand at the counter. How’s that for making a statement :S Haha. Did I mention that Dan is 17 and Matt is 18? We eventually got the toilet paper.

Thursday we decided to head on up to Agnes Waters to visit one of our cousin’s Alyce. Agnes is right next to Town of 1770 where Captain Cook first landed. It’s a super small town and in many respects under developed in terms of tourism which I personally think is great because you still get a good feel for the landscape and what it must have been like when Captain Cook first arrived there. Anyways the trip was about an hour and a half and mainly on what we would call “country roads.” I have to confess I was quite naughty and was doing 140km in a 100km zone and I shot past a cop car. Argh!! I didn’t get caught but I did learn my lesson! When we arrived Alyce had this epic Chinese meal for us!! And the best part of it was we chilled out eating it on the kitchen floor! I love it how we’re all older now, have our own places and can just hang out like this. I love the aunties and uncles but it’s just different to hang out with just the cousins.

When I was 9 and Alyce was 7 I told her this scary China Doll story and since she had about 50 dolls at that time I seriously traumatized both of us LOL. Auntie Judy, her mum, found out about this story and lined up three of the biggest dolls with knives in the bedroom so that when we walked in we got a super big fright. It was pretty hilarious and it’s been a running joke between us. Anyways, after dinner Alyce showed us a doll that had GREEN eyes!! Needless to say we all knew that doll would be a prank item for the next few days. After chatting for a while we snuck in to a nearby pool and went swimming but once the rain came in there was a bit of a 10pm chill and we all got super cold. We quickly drove back to Alyce’s fighting the whole way as to who’s going in the shower first to warm up… So we resolved it by jumping in there all together!

That night Matt and I were sharing the share room and Dan was sleeping on a blow up bed in the kitchen and I said “Matt!! We have to ge the doll and put it on the bed next to Dan!” So Matt put the doll next to Dan and ran back in the room. Dan not long after rolled over, saw the doll and was like “Screw this I’m not sleeping next to that thing” and put it in the FRIDGE! The next morning Alyce found the doll and moved it to the bathroom with a knife in its hand. Dan woke up and was all like “Alyce, did you find the doll?” and Alyce pretended she didn’t know what he was talking about which freaked Dan out a little. Dan, Matt and I all found the doll on separate occasions when we walked into the bathroom giving us all a bit of a shock haha.

After the whole doll pranking we chilled and then went for a walk. The look out was really nice but the climb down the cliff wasn’t haha. I broke my shoes :S Gutted. The rain started coming in again so we headed back to Alyce’s. We talked for quite while about Mike and I share our story which they didn’t know the details of. Since we were driving back to Bundaberg that afternoon we headed off around 5.30pm but got as far as the corner of her street because we stopped for food. Matt, Dan and I sat eating chips for about an hour and as we did the sky got darker and rain got heavier. Eventually at 7pm I was like “We have to go.” I’ve never driven in tropical rain before and I was really struggling to see through the night’s darkness and rain. I looked at the boys and went “Guys, are you ok if this takes us 3 hours to get back cos I aint going above 40km!” Even at 40 kph I could feel my back wheels slide out a couple of times. The rain was so heavy it looked like the road was a shallow river. I ran over about a hundred frogs, a possum and what we think was a giant rat. It’s not like I could have avoided it because any sort of breaking on that road could have been more dangerous!! It was all a bit intense haha.

After about an hour of driving on the super bumpy road I pulled over and said “Boys, I desperately need to pee” and jumped out the car. Now if you know me I would never do that unless it was to the point of peeing myself. I find it trippy to pee “in front” of people like this. But I didn’t trust the boys so I walked to the back of the car and then to the backdoor, opened it, pointed my figure at them and yelled “DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT LOOKING AT ME!” It felt like the longest wee ever and when I got back in the car Dan said “I was so tempted to get in the driver’s seat and drive off leaving your white butt in the review mirror.” I’m so glad they didn’t.

What should have taken about 90 minutes to drive took about 2 and a half hours by the time we pulled into the drive way of Auntie Judy’s. We walked in the door and Auntie Judy came racing through the house towards us in a panicked voice “Boys your mother has been rushed to hospital she’s sliced her hand open or something when she was cutting food.” So we jumped back into the car, this time Auntie Paula’s car, and Dan drove us to the hospital. On the way he pulled into a petrol station to buy flowers but bought a teddy instead. He pulled out the service station and because he was completely distracted he ran a red light. Now, there is not a single car on this entire looooooong stretch of road apart from a cop car that was trying to do a U-Turn at that same junction that we just ran. So of course, the lights and siren go on and we get pulled over…

Part Three Coming Soon!!!

1- Made a list of the 21 things.

2- Promoted the Michael Knight Trust.

3- Wore my new top.

4- Talked to 9 people on Skype/FB/Phone.

5- Attempted to track down my sister.

6- Listened to HipHope/R&B from 1991 & decided I was born in the wrong year.

7- Went for a walk.

8- Met up with my sister.

9- Took her on a date to Starbucks.

10- Made people smile & laugh.

11- Experienced crazy generosity.

12- Witnessed a miracle.

13- Painted my nails & then with a paint brush wrote M on one and K on the other.

14- Ate dinner with my family, we had chicken in honor of the time I told Mike he was eating chicken boobies.

15- Played Beans as a family.

16- Took photos.

17- Made cookies with my sister.

18- Watched One Born Every Minute with my sister.

19- “Pranked” Dan with my sister.

20- Attempted to clean my room, it got as far as thinking about cleaning my room.

21- Updated my blog Ta-Da!!!!

So I went on a road trip to visit the family. It started on Saturday the 17th of December and I drove from Springwood to Toowoomba. The journey door to door was about 160km (100 miles) and took about two and a half hours. Part of the reason for that was I stopped off near Gatton to visit the “Big Red Elephant“… a person family tradition… and the other reason was because I kinda got lost. Oh and I went down a one way street the WRONG way! The one and only time Google map failed me. Not the one way street bit, just getting me lost in general. Whilst I was in Australia I didn’t have a GPS and did all my driving by checking out google map on the laptop before the journey, writing down the instructions and memorizing the roads. After about five calls to my Nana I made it to hers!

For most of us we will remember the January floods that happened in Queensland last year. Three quarters of the entire state were under water. Which is the equivalent of France, Germany and Spain being completely underwater. Here’s a photo of the Big Red Elephant when I went and check out this YouTube video that was taken during the floods. Quite bizarre!!!

I had a really lovely time in Toowomba. Saturday evening was spent talking to Nana and we watched a movie based on the book of Genesis which was quite interesting! The next day I spent part of the morning until midafternoon with my cousin Elisha, her husband and four kids. It’s always so nice to get to know my family a little more. It’s hard being so far away from them so there’s a lot I’ve missed out on or don’t know about their lives. That afternoon and evening I spent with my Auntie Mindy and her husband John. Auntie Mindy lives on a 3 acre piece of land and she’s in the middle of landscaping it all. I couldn’t get over how much she knew about plants! Oh and she also showed me a blue tongue lizard that had died a few days before from eating rat poisoning. Lovely! The drive back to Nana’s was really beautiful. We had to drive part of the way across the range and the stars could be seen so clearly. I hadn’t seen that many stars since the voyage to the Caribbean. It was a pity I didn’t stop and enjoy it for a while!

On Monday the 19th I was supposed to be on the road by 11am however when Nana and I went to check my tires that morning we found ourselves sitting in a garage waiting to be told the verdict on my apparent flat tire. When we checked them they were slightly low so we pumped them up but I wasn’t convinced about a “groove” in the front right wheel. So we checked it again and it’d gone done quite dramatically according to the pump. The manager was so nice at the garage and when he told us my wheel was fine he also told us that the costs for checking was on the house and to have a nice Christmas. So I finally hit the road to head up to Bundaberg around 12pm.

According to Google the journey was about 410km (255 miles) and since this was the longest drive I’ve ever done on my own, approximately 5 hours long, I decided to break up the journey. I was supposed to stop off at Moffetdale on the north side of Lake Barambah to check out the lake but once I started passing the south side of the lake it didn’t look too exciting and so I decided to just carry on to Goomeri and check out the “Cheese World” there. Apparently it was a tourist spot…

By the time I hit Goomeri I’d been on the road for about 3 and a half hours. A cappuccino and a sausage roll was more than necessary! So far I’d been passing through country towns and so civilisation didn’t seem to far away yet. However I was starting to come onto the parts of the highway where the towns got smaller and smaller and further and further apart. Most of the country towns felt as though you had step back in time a little! Here are some of the photos that I took at Goomeri! P.S. Goomeri is pronounced “goo-merry” and not “goo-mer-eee-nee” like I kept saying it The double “oo” makes almost a “ewwww” sound. Check out the “main street” in the last two of these three pictures!

Once I left Goomeri and kept heading north it very quickly became a road with a random house dotted here and there. It’s hard to describe the scenery. You often find yourself driving through flat lands with mountains in the horizon around you… almost like a circle. And then, you drive up over and through the mountains which are covered with trees and fairly rocky in places. Either way it’s really beautiful and before I knew it I’d arrived at Childers… about 40 minutes away from Bundaberg.

The last leg of the journey took twice as long as it should have. I ignored google map and tried being clever. Backfired… and I ended up getting to my cousin’s about 7.30pm. An hour and a half later than what I said it would take me to get from Toowomba with two stops!

Part two coming up… Keep and eye out for it! It’s hilarious!

Something happened today… and I found myself leaving quietly out the backdoor. I can’t write what happened on my blog… but as I left I had this feeling of sadness deep inside my stomach. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it, and almost 12 hours later I still can’t. But… as I was driving this afternoon it dawned on me that these feelings are very similar to the feelings I had in the “first period” after Mike’s death. And if anything, whilst I can’t seem to put my finger on what it is that I exactly feel… I do know that I felt like these feelings greeted me like a close intimate friend that I so missed.

Somehow when Mike died I lost parts of my identity and as I “healed” I seemed to lose other parts of me… Grief kept me close to Mike. The more I healed the more it “stopped hurting” but those feelings of sadness are what “filled the gaps when Mike left“… Those feelings were a part of me, now also being stripped away. That in itself made me feel lost. And today… I felt like I found a little part of myself again. I found grief, pain and hurt again… and it felt like I was coming home. It felt safe. It felt comfortable and familiar. Home, God. Home. I don’t understand. How did it all come to this? Why do I feel that I am more loved, wanted and accepted by sadness? God… I didn’t come for this. I don’t really know what to do anymore. And I haven’t done so for a long time.

So my time in Melbourne was fun. I spoke to some of the people I wanted to speak to. I can’t really share more on that at the moment. But maybe the highlight of the time was walking down the street and finding a random couch on the side of the road. Before we knew it we were helping some random Asian chicks carry it to their house!

Laura got baptised on Sunday and over the past few days I’ve been helping set up and run a big youth event called Elevate. A gospel hiphop dance competition. Was fairly fun to watch. Mum’s birthday was also this week and there have been a couple of days where I’ve found myself talking to people in multiple time zones. Australia being one of the more complex. Can you believe it! Geographically, Perth is the most west you can go, then Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane. Brisbane being the most east you can go. Here’s a riddle. Perth is two hours behind Brisbane: Adelaide is 30 minutes ahead of Brisbane; and Melbourne and Sydney are an hour ahead of Brisbane. CONFUSING! Neither Perth nor Brisbane does daylight savings. Argh! Haha.

I kinda don’t have much to say at the moment. Sorry. I really like “Set Fire to the Rain” by Adele though!

Oh my days, you probably saw I updated my blog and are now thinking “She’s alive?!?!?!?!” My apologies for falling off the face of the planet. Things here have been intense… and I haven’t been able to write and share with you all. I’ve learnt a lot about myself these past few months, amongst all sorts of other things I’ve learnt, and one thing that was really confirmed to me is this. I’m so relational, and I talk about things in order to process. However, sometimes the timing to talk about things isn’t right and so my brain goes into a bit of a shut down mode. Since I can’t share life with you… and be real… then what else can I write about? So here it is… here’s what’s happened and is happening in a nut shell.

I’ve hinted a lot that things in Australia are not quite what they were thought to be. Put it like this, I came here for a purpose and the day I get here I was told that what I came here for isn’t happening now. In retrospect it was there that I should have acted but I’d just arrived to a new country; my brain was all over the place; I was lonely; desperate to familiarise myself with my new surrounding; and set myself up practically for this new country. I was waiting for the key people to come to me with a new plan… but nothing. One some of them weren’t aware of the situation and two they too had expectations of me which weren’t being met because I was so confused by things. And so the lack of communication got worse and worse. I was so scared of things getting personal, I was scared to talk to those I felt I should talk to about the situation incase I was totally out of line in my thoughts and feelings. I was intimated. Not because those around me made me feel that way but because it was a personal struggle. It’s not easy to tell leadership they got something wrong. I told you I’ve been learning a lot!

Anyways the situation came to a bit of a crash and burn when my accommodation sort of got a bit screwed up and I found myself with my belongings in the boot of my car… and sort of nowhere to go. Mum and dad knew the full story of what was happening… so I guess it came as no surprise that I called up mum at 3am her time and cried down the phone that I wanted to come home. That in itself was a statement of how bad the situation was because I’ve never in my life called up mum at 3am pretty much saying ”I need you and I want to come home.” The next day I meet with the senior pastor who wasn’t aware of what was happening and told her everything. It came a relief to know I wasn’t off the mark with my confusion and disappointment. A few days later I had a fairly big meeting with the senior pastor and other key individuals. I made it clear to them that I can’t stay in this situation and if I’m to stay and support the work of this church, they need to give me something solid to stay for. This happened last week.

The whole time I’ve been praying and desperately wanting to know hat God wants me to do. So many people have said “Akila, God can work with anything, maybe you should just chose what YOU want to do.” But the frustrating thing is… I haven’t been entirely sure what it is that I even want to do in life. But I’m very certain I really want to be in the centre of God’s will, and whilst I can choose what I want to do… I want HIM to lead and guide me. At the end of the day… I’m here for Him, quite literally. And so whilst He can work with anything… I want Him to use me for HIS plans. Therefore… I need to know what He wants me to do. Three things have been very clear to me. Things I felt on my heart and things that others have consistently said to me. Especially my supporters. One, wait on God. Two, spend time with God in a personal relationship. Three, unless God makes it very clear to me that I should return to England permanently, they would be very careful to advise me to return.

I was walking and talking to God last Monday. And I was again desperately asking God what I should do. I had been feeling over the past two months that God is going to help me. He will provide everything I need. I read somewhere “For every task God calls you to do, He will give you the tools you need to complete it.” And I believed it. Anyways, I was walking and looking up in the trees for Koalas and I was thinking about the verse in the bible about how God provides even for the birds in the skies. “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:26)

Now…. I personally think Koalas would have been a far better illustration than birds! Birds are quite active in looking for food and general survival. Koalas on the other hand live in gum trees, sleep approximately 18 hours a day, they eat only eucalyptus leaves. They eat nothing else, nothing preys on them. They cannot be used for anything. They are literally there for NO reason. They do not contribute anything to the universe. They just look cute. Yet… God provides for them. They wake up and their food is in their face! LITERALLY.

The other thing I was thinking about is… God’s logic is nonsense to the logic of man. Man has ideas that appear very logical and responsible… but some things God calls us to do things that make no sence to those around us. To our minds, it doesn’t appear logical, responsible… and we can so provoke negative discouraging responses to those around us. My integrity felt very questioned over the past few months. And I knew that I really felt God was telling me to work full-time in ministry. I KNOW you can do that and have a job at the same time. A job that pays. But I just didn’t feel at all that’s where God was leading me. How do I explain that? How do I explain that to those that think I’m bumming around? How do I try to tell them I really feel God wants me to dedicate my time to His Kingdom in this kind of way and trust Him that He will ensure I cover my board and costs. I made it very clear from the very start that I WILL pay my way whilst I’m here in Australia. But how do I reveal the revelations God’s given me to others who just don’t seem to understand? God’s logic… doesn’t make sence to the logic of man. So I started praying… “God, if you’re serious about this… you need to demonstrate it to me and those around me.”

This weekend I found myself feeling so desperate. I didn’t know what to do about the situation. I felt like I was hearing so many voices. People, thoughts, opinions, God, doubt, confusion, frustration. On a human level I felt shit because I felt and still feel so useless. I came here fired up and excited and ready to jump in head first… but instead I’ve found myself seriously worn down, very confused, and unable to give my all to tasks because I’ve not had any clue as to what the heck is going on. On a spiritual level… I’ve felt an internal conflict of trusting God and His plans but at the same time… feeling a conviction that I had peace with but just didn’t make sence to my human nature. So I decided, “God… I can’t do this anymore. I need you and I need you now. I’ve tried hard not to put constrictions and conditions on you. But I need you to show me what to do. I’m going to roll the dice. When Judas committed suicide the disciples cast lots to see who should take his place. God, I don’t know if this is right for me to do this. But I’m desperate. You know my heart and I want to know yours. I’m seriously not feeling like you’re being clear with me. So please, forgive me and in your Grace please speak to me. Even through this dice. I believe you are the God of everything… and I believe you have the power to talk to me through this.” I told God if the dice was even, I would go back to England… if the dice was odd… I’d stay in Australia. So I rolled the one dice three times… and each time it was an odd number. So I then said, “OK God, if your serious, in the next 24 hours… please back this up by confirming it.”

The next day was Sunday (just a few days ago). I prayed before I got to church and throughout the service for someone to give me a prophetic word. There was the opportunity to go up during the service for a prophetic word but I chose not to go up. I didn’t want to encourage or initiate anything. I wanted it to be solely from God. At the end of the service a lady I had never seen before came up and said “I believe I have a word from God for you. I felt it last week but lost you in the crowd and I still felt it this week and wanted to share it with you. I believe God wants you to stop looking so far down the river. Like a creek, each bend you take He will reveal more. But stop trying to look so far down the river.” Well… that sat well with me. The fact that this was from someone who didn’t know me or my situation was a start… and the fact that it was like God was saying “Akila trust me, be faithful to the revelations I’ve given you and I will reveal more and more in time” was another. The day wasn’t over… God still had a little more time to confirm things.

Later Sunday evening I was asked to babysit the next day and I had to smile as I was given a financial blessing for doing so. Another reminder that around each bend God will reveal the finances for my needs. Mum also said like the lady and the jar of oil in the bible… just trust God each time you pay for your costs that He will not let the pot go dry. Finally, the next day… Monday night… slightly more than 24 hours… I found myself at an OM Annual Dinner and had quite an interesting chat to the wife of the Australian Director. To cut a long story short… and also, maybe I shouldn’t say too much just yet… I felt a door was clearly being opened by God. The next morning I was at a breakfast with some key OM individuals… and within 3 hours decided to test this apparently opening door and go down to Melbourne… so I booked the flights and the next day… yesterday… I arrive in Melbourne. Even that was bizarre… how everything just seriously fell into place. And even last night things happened in regards to relationships and I just thought “I don’t think this is a mistake I’m here.”

So I’m writing from Melbourne and I’ll be here for 6 days before returning to Brisbane. Like I said, I maybe shouldn’t say too much… but please pray. Please pray for clarification, wisdom, for doors to open or shut, for relationships these next few days, for fun and rest, and for discussions about the things that brought me to Melbourne. Please also pray for doors to open and close with the church that I’m working with in Brisbane. If it’s right for me to continue please pray for a solid plan and if it’s not right then please make that clear in the hearts of those involved… including mine.

I’m feeling like I’m in a better place now to be able to share more about life and my adventures on my blog… So I will really aim to try and update this a lot more. Thanks for your faithfulness in checking out my blog. I can see the stats of how many click on each day and it’s such an encouragement to be reminded of all those walking life with me. Thank you… and be blessed!