I Missed You.
God,
Something happened today… and I found myself leaving quietly out the backdoor. I can’t write what happened on my blog… but as I left I had this feeling of sadness deep inside my stomach. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it, and almost 12 hours later I still can’t. But… as I was driving this afternoon it dawned on me that these feelings are very similar to the feelings I had in the “first period” after Mike’s death. And if anything, whilst I can’t seem to put my finger on what it is that I exactly feel… I do know that I felt like these feelings greeted me like a close intimate friend that I so missed.
Somehow when Mike died I lost parts of my identity and as I “healed” I seemed to lose other parts of me… Grief kept me close to Mike. The more I healed the more it “stopped hurting” but those feelings of sadness are what “filled the gaps when Mike left“… Those feelings were a part of me, now also being stripped away. That in itself made me feel lost. And today… I felt like I found a little part of myself again. I found grief, pain and hurt again… and it felt like I was coming home. It felt safe. It felt comfortable and familiar. Home, God. Home. I don’t understand. How did it all come to this? Why do I feel that I am more loved, wanted and accepted by sadness? God… I didn’t come for this. I don’t really know what to do anymore. And I haven’t done so for a long time.
Akila, my love, as we process through grief, gradually we accept life again. Every now and again some trigger will take us back to the place of hurt and pain and loss and with it the sense of being close to and comforted by God. I think I have been very close to the God of comfort at such times. I also know, however, that He asks me to choose Life – His abundant, fulfilling life. I remember what Mike said so shortly before God took him – ‘You only live once’. We must embrance life. And when something triggers grief let it happen and fully experience it, but its not the place to linger!
December 11, 2011 at 4:55 pm