RANDOM THOUGHTS OF A GROWING MIND
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The Fear Factor
Hey
I sat down to blog tonight. And my mind feels like it has two boxes. One, a complete blank. The other, about a billion thoughts and feelings that I can’t seem to separate out into complete words and/or sentences.
These past two weeks have been amazing. So much fun. I shall one day blog about my adventures 
I do have an amazing life. I can’t deny God of blessing me with that.
I found myself in an unexpected situation recently. The only thing I can apparently make clear from it all, is how afraid I am. I’m so afraid of losing people around me. Maybe that’s natural after Mike. And maybe even after Fitzy. But, I’m afraid. One close friend has cancer, and I’m afraid of him not being around. One close friend has told me he likes me. He’s aware I don’t feel for him in that way, and so I’m afraid of the effect this revelation and rejection will have on our friendship. I do however like another guy but I haven’t told this other guy that I like him because I’m fearful of what that revelation could negatively do to our friendship. I’m fearful of the future in regards to a job and relationships because of the apparent lack of direction.
I’m really struggling to write this blog. I’m trying to give something profound, or clever, or spiritual… and I’m feeling jack all. Other than just this feeling of fear. It’s not over powering… it’s just making me feel sad in my heart. I wish my friend didn’t have cancer, I think I wish this guy didn’t like me, and I wish I knew what to do with this feeling I have towards this other guy… I wish didn’t feel like I was about to lose people around me that mean so much to me.
God’s been speaking to me about this fear a lot. Stuff from the bible, words through people…
“How often, when sometimes you little know it, do I go before you to prepare the way, to soften a heart here, to over rule there.” – Psalm 138… ”Ceaseless activity has no part of My Father’s plan. Do not seek to work for me. Never make opportunities. Live with Me and for Me. I do the work and I mae the opportunities.” – Psalm 127… “Oh! If My children would leave My Work to Me and occupy themselves with the task I give them.” – Philippians 2:13… “Relax. Chill out.”
… There are quite a few things that have been said and/or read. I guess this is just yet another dynamic of life and Mike’s death to process. It’s just, sometimes I still feel really vulnerable. And sometimes… not often… but sometimes it’s an achievement to not give in to the temptation of hiding under some blanket somewhere. Everything is a choice. We can choose how we live our lives. Sometimes those choices are straightforward and other times those choices use up so much brain energy trying to process our decisions or responses. I do feel a bit sad inside at the moment; and then I feel lame from feeling sad, afraid, and unsure in the first place haha.
But all in all, I found this picture… and it brought me a ray of hope.
At What Point Did I Accept?
Hey
A few days ago I was out having coffee with a bunch of friends and one of the guys asked Laura and I, “At what point did you accept Mikes death?” My response? “For me, I think I accepted it the instant it happened.” I think he may have been a bit surprised at my answer; and to be completely honest, had I asked that same question to someone else (at what point did you accept your circumstances), and that was their response, I think I would have doubted their apparent peace. As in, I’d be thinking to myself “Yea but SURELY…”
The journey of accepting Mike’s death was a process. There’s different types of acceptance. It was immediately after I got the news Mike died that I was faced with this indescribable journey and I accepted instantly that I was on this journey. There was nothing I could do to stop what happen happened or what was happening. I chose to be vulnerable and not fight against the wave. The only way I can connect it to anything is like how I react to a general anaesthetic.
My last operation involved a laparoscopy where the doctors went through my belly button. I woke up not feeling pain but my body still somehow knew it took a beating. I was in no mental, physical or emotional state to try and “survive”. If anything, I surrendered my survival instincts to the nurses around me. They were the ones who managed my wellbeing. Not me. I had total release to do nothing but lie in that hospital bed and let them take over. The survival of food, warmth, safety… it was all down to them to provide. And it was very much the same with Mike’s death. I literally woke up to a nightmare. Nothing I did in my life could have provoked him to die, nor could it have saved him. I knew in my heart that the ONLY one who could get me through this was God. Just like I did with the doctors and nurses, I surrendered my wellbeing to God.
What do I mean? It was NOT my battle anymore. It was not my battle to try to get out of bed in the morning. It was not my strength, my motivation, my ability. It was all God’s strength. By accepting that I was on this journey and that I was released from any type of survival, it meant that I was free. I could totally be me and not try to hide behind anything. No compartmentalization. No fear of myself and the ability to cope with all my emotions, thoughts and pain. Nothing, and completely released.
Acceptance is a multi faceted diamond. For weeks after Mike’s death I would cry every night. I think it was something like after 6 months I stopped crying everyday, and it went to every other day or some thing haha. A big part of my acceptance was not fighting against my emotions. I made no apologies to God, myself or to others for how I felt or what I thought. The only way I could get through this was to be real and honest. Without those two things, there’s no way I could have ever proceeded what I needed to process in order to get through it.
Acceptance was never about being “ok” with Mike’s death. I made it clear to God that I wasn’t ok with it and that I was really hurting. I could however find peace with demanding God to make his death worth it. My whole process of forgiving God for taking Mike had a lot to do with acceptance. But maybe not in the way you’d think. As far as I was concerned, God might be onto something good with taking Mike, but he better be sure he hurt me. BIG time. I never hated God for it, I wouldn’t even say I was angry. But he really hurt me. I needed God to acknowledge the fact that by taking Mike, he did in fact hurt me. I actually needed God to accept that he hurt me. By God acknowledging he hurt me, I was actually able to trust him. I always did trust him. But it was a total confirmation that he loves me and that the reasons behind Mike’s death were for good. Even if that was simply because God wanted to bring him to heaven for himself.
Another dynamic of the acceptance thing was the feeling that Mike never really left. Later it was accepting that in some ways it was like he was never really here in the first place. Accepting that he will never grow old and that Laura… in August this year, will biologically become older than him. Accepting that his stry ends and mine continues without him. This whole journey was a process of acceptance. I accepted things on the day, the day after he died… and every day since. I’m still grappling with some areas of acceptance was time goes on. Things come up today that have never come up before. New facets of this diamond.
In retrospect after Mike died, it became clear to me that God was preparing my heart for this. It’s quite hard to explain without going into all the details but the best way for me to explain this is to post the link on this blog to my mum’s “book“. She wrote this collaboration of all the stories surrounding Mike’s death before he died, at his death, and after his death. It’s called ”Breadcrumbs in the Storm” and I would absolutely encourage you to read it.
I think the biggest thing I would challenge you all is to never ever compartmentalized anything. Always be real. And always be honest. Don’t fight the wave because that takes more energy from you and does more damage to you than if you chose to journey your situation. I don’t believe our lives are random. I think everything we go through in our lives is relevant to our own story. I don’t know why I went through death and not others around me. But I chose to believe I can use it for good. I don’t know why I didn’t go through things that you have gone through. But I think we have the power and strength through God to get through anything and use it for good. I know about loss and change like I’ve never known before. Even the loss of a dream… I can connect with people I a way that I never would have before. Life is a choice. And that’s really what it boils down to. I made a choice to surrender, trust, believe and continue. And it’s up to you whether you make the choice. I hope you do, whatever your circumstances are. I’m not saying for one minute that it’s easy… But I’m saying that it’s worth it.
Super Random Week!
Hey!
So I gotta say my life has been rather adventurous these past few weeks; and I was just thinking about how I should update you all on it!
Let’s start with this week. Well, it all really started on Saturday. The weather. We have had some awwwwwesome weather. And I’m talking about sun tanning weather. Now I realise that to many of my international friend, 20 degrees celsius isn’t hot… but in England, for March, that’s amazing! Poor Laura had to work all day… and I got to hang out in the sunshine all day. Brilliant! Family bbq in the evening and then Laura and I headed out for the night. Since I was the designated driver I wasn’t drinking, which was fine, however I learnt that it was a major bad idea to wear skyscraper heels. Totally not worth it. The night out however… TOTALLY worth it. We went with a cool bunch of friends to a local club and it was just one of those nights that was pretty cool. The music was immense! And no matter how sore my feet hurt, I stayed dancing alllllll night long 
Since the clocks went forward that night, Laura and I got home around 3.30am… just as mum and dad were heading out to the airport. Literally. I thought the situation was kind of amusing. Dad was sitting in the chair and mum was curling her hair as Laura and I were brushing our teeth haha.
Sunday was a pretty chillaxed day. I rallied up the recruits in the afternoon and headed off to the parish centre to have a look at one of the rooms there. Next week the youth group are doing a Murder Mystery dinner (eakkk!! so exciting) so we were checking out how to decorate the room. It’s a 1920s theme so we’re trying to make the room as 1920s club like as possible. I can’t wait. Sunday evening was church and then youth. I had to sort out some stuff with them in regards to the weekend away and then YWAM did a seminar with us. Laura and I strolled in through the front doors at 11pm.
Monday was suntan day. I was in the garden blasting my music and soaking up the rays. Of course me being me, I couldn’t sit still for long enough and within half an hour I was already onto my next project, a random bbq for that evening. Several phone calls later, it was planned. I also got to speak to Leah for a bit which totally made my day. Only, when Laura came out into the garden and I passed the phone to her so she could say hi to Leah… the first thing she said to Leah was this: “Errrm, so I just walked into the backgarden and Akila is listening to the Jungle Book soundtrack.” Hahaha, I had no idea. Leah even asked me 10 minutes before if I was having a garden party because of how loud my music was and I was like “nah, just chilling“. But once Laura mentioned it I had a quick scan of what it was that I was listening to and it was in fact Lion King and Jungle Book tunes! Sorry neighbours! Quick trip to the shops and bbq we go! It was small and chilled but good chats round the fire. Nicole and I ended up having a midnight chat (literally) outside her house for about 45 mins when I dropped her off and I eventually got through the front door around 1am!
Tuesday was “meetings” between 10am-4pm and I literally snuggled up on the couch and crashed around 6pm.
Wednesday was my second sun tanning day and Dan came over to hang out for a couple of hours. Third bbq of the week. After some fire side chats Laura, Dan and I decided it was too cold for an early evening stroll so we jumped in he jacuzzi for an hour. That evening, last night, I snuggled into bed and watch Gilmore Girls for a couple of hours. So I still went to bed round 1am!
Today, Thursday, I spoke with Leah for little while. She informed me that she had been locked outside for a while this morning in her socks… LOL! Then I had a meeting at a local entertainment venue. After that I went to check out a family friend’s new holiday cottage that they’ve built and decorated. They were having an open day for friends to visit it. Came home, ate dinner, made calls about the murder mystery dinner, and then went shopping with Laura for easter eggs. The adventure for the night was heading over the hospital an hour and a half after visiting hours were over and seeing Miles. He just had an operation on his throat… well, parathyroids and all that jazz. Laura and I walked in at 9.30pm and he was just sitting there in the main enterance with a lovely bag dangling down by his side that was collecting the blood coming out from his throat. So we went for a random stroll, tried breaking into the cafeteria… then realised another room with vending machines was still open. So we sat in there talking for a while. About an hour later this security guy comes up to us and asked who Miles was and then proceeded to inform us that his ward was looking for him. Great, we kidnapped a patient with blood squirting ou his throat. Sounds like a horror movie to be fair haha.
Tomorrow I’m going to be making a good crack on with Murder Mystery dinner stuff. The weather is predicted to be lame again… and even snow on the fells. It can only be England, surely! I’m quite excited about the murder mystery dinner. We have about 28 people coming to it which is exciting. I’ll be sure to take picture of the evening! Next week I have another meal with super awesome friends at a super nice restaurant. The week after next I have a Titanic event happening at mine. Move over 3D, we’re doing 4D Titanic at mine! Basically, it looks like this. White sheet, projector, speakers, chairs, blankets, and ice Laura and I are so throwing ice at people. Oh, did I mention it’s going to be outside too?? I’m super excited. Oh actually, this weekend I have a Muslim event on the Saturday and a youth social on the Sunday. And at the end of April we’re going on our youth “weekend away“. Only now we’re not actually going away but camping out at the Knight household in the evenings. Got some cool stuff lined up for that too.
So that’s what my week has looked like. Next week people are back from university so I’m hoping to continue catching up with everyone. There’s another major, and I’m meaning major, project in the pipe line too… but that’s sort of on the QT at the moment. You’ll definitely hear all about it very soon no doubt I’m sure dad will blog about it as well as me! Hope everyone is well!
Love is Waiting
Hey!
Awww, it’s been a while since I heard a super beautiful song. Sure Katy Perry had me rocking to her cover of Jay-Z’s song “Night in Paris” earlier today… How is it that the catchy tunes the inappropriate ones? Haha. Anyways. My faith was restored after hearing “Love is Waiting” by Brooke Fraser. Yey! In fact I decided in about 0.01 of a second that I’m gonna one day walk down the aisle to this song!
Guys I’m gonna be honest. I’m flat out missing having a key person in my life to walk with. And at the moment the thought that keeps going around in my mind is that there isn’t going to be someone for me. Could I be that lucky? That blessed? I hope so. And I hope that there’s a guy out there who will one day really like me
I was definitely not created to live my life alone. No matter how many times I try giving up Facebook… it never happens. Proof in the pudding! Nah but seriously. I’m so relational… and it scares me a little that it might not happen for me. Sure I can continue to throw myself into investing into the lives of all those around me… But I really don’t want to get married later in life. Having said that, I also know that God’s timing is good and it’s not a bad thing either to get married later.
I’ve never seen relationships as my battle. In the sense that, it’s not for me to initiate a relationship. Maybe I’m wrong on this… or old fashioned or something. But I really have it in my mind that it’s between God and the guy to figure out. Then one day, maybe God and that guy will let me in on it too Anyways… this song actually spoke to me heaps. And to all my single friends, I’d recommend checking it out
♪ … I can’t force the sun to rise or hasten summer’s start; Neither should I rush my way into your heart; I’ll be waiting for you baby; I’ll be holding back the darkest night; Love is waiting til we’re ready, til it’s right… ♪
Two Sides To Every Story…
“There are two sides to every story, and this is my side, the right one” – Easy A
Hey!
This is one blog I’ve been trying to avoid writing. But last night as I was trying to get to sleep, I came to the conclusion that I should write. And to be honest… I don’t really know how I write this one… Hence the reason for avoiding it haha.
This week I found myself, for the 4th time to my knowledge, in the situation where a guy has “stopped being my friend” because of their partner. And it’s really left me feeling crushed in spirit. I fully understand there are times where it is appropriate to distance yourself in a friendship in order to protect your relationship with your partner. I fully understand some relationships are unhealthy and in order to walk the straight and narrow it’s wise to again, distance yourself. But I’m struggling to understand how this keeps happening in my friendships.
I said I wasn’t going to give any details of each of the circumstances but I am. Forgive me, but I’m baffled, hurt and want to understand. In no particular order:
Situation 1: I was really great friends with a guy for quite a long time, he was in my close net of friends, he met someone and instantly removed me out of his life because she was jealous. This situation so badly hurt me that I left the country and ended up on the ship for a year. In retrospect that turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me as I loved my time on the ship!
Situation 2: I dated a guy, 6 years after we dated he was friends with me on facebook and then removed me from facebook, he said it was precaution and respect for his new partner. However, we hadn’t dated in 6 years, hadn’t seen each other in two years, he didn’t live near me, only spoke on facebook every so often to keep each other updated now and again. At the time of removing me from facebook he remained facebook friends with my entire immediate family on facebook, including Mike.
Situation 3: I was in a relationship but had a number of close guy and girl friends in my core friendship group. One of the girls in this group made it clear to another guy in this group that she was jealous of my friendship with this guy. So he completely backed off. These two were never more than friends to each other yet somehow I lost my friendship with him through it all.
Situation 4: I was friends with a guy for 3 years & considered him to be in my close ring of friends. He lived in another country and so these later few years our contact was limited to emails or facebook chat every so often. I did find out that at one point he liked me but that was 3 years ago and there was never anything more than a friendship between us. However he since got engaged and removed me as a friend of facebook.
I’m sure I can hear some of you saying “If it hurts you so much then remove yourself from facebook!” Haha… But Facebook is such an awesome way for me to remain in contact with people all over the world.
Like I said, I understand the dynamics of relationships and I understand at times it is appropriate to distance yourself… But I’m going to be honest, I struggle to understand why I’ve lost these friendships in these particular situations But ok, I respect the decision to remove me out of the friendship group so I’ll go with the flow. But there are two sides to every story. As a guy I understand that your actions are not malicious and that you’re trying to do the right thing but for me, this is how I feel about it…
In every single one of the situations, the guy never came to me and said anything. Every time I was removed from their facebook and/or out of their lives it was done in silence. I was completely unaware of what was happening and so it comes as a great big fat shock to discover I’ve been removed from their lives like this. Considering all the guys in these situations live so far away, Facebook is the one way of keeping in contact. What you have to try and understand is, every time you or another guy does this, it absolutely crushes me. Why?
I’m incredibly passionate about my friends. I think about you all almost daily. And before God I feel I can honestly say that. I wish I could say I pray for you all every time I think of you… But I certainly think of you. And you’re very much embedded in my heart. Even those I’m not the closest too. I know I don’t always demonstrate that to those around me. But there you go. What you see is what you get with me. And I’m no threat. But if people feel like I am, then I’m so sorry and wish you took the time to share that with me so I could understand, learn, and for you to get to know MY heart more.
Every time I discover something like being removed from someone’s life… And removing me from facebook is that much of a strong statement to me… I get the same sense of “crushing in the spirit” as I did when I was told Mike died. I can’t explain or describe that to you. But I value my friends so much that’s how it feels to suddenly discover you’re not in their lives. No warning. No email to explain. No nothing. You can imagine my shock because I thought you all at least valued me enough to say something. Mike died without warning. He went to sleep and he didn’t wake up. Now I have no chance of talking to him. I have to deal with that daily. The inability to walk life with him. I don’t expect to have to deal with this from my friends too. Friends that I really cherished.
Of course they didn’t realise this and of course they never meant to hurt me so much. These guys have a duty and a responsibility to place their partners above me and meet their needs… But the total lack of communication is so damaging. Ladies, may I just take this opportunity to say you too have a duty and a responsibility and that is you need to learn how to trust your partners. He will always have women in his life that he’s friends with. You can’t expect otherwise. But back on track, right now I have two guy friends in Carlisle. That’s it. Just two that I can sort of seriously say they’re in my close ring of friends. And I’ve been thinking all week, “When are they going to leave too?” I am still, in so many ways, at the place where you only need to scratch the surface and you see I’m still pretty broken. I don’t wish to be like this. I never imagine my life to be at this place. But I’m here and I need to deal with it. But it’s just as I said, incredibly crushing that this keeps happening.
Maybe it’s a total sign to remove guys from my friendships but that to me is just ridiculous. I’m just tried of feeling like I’m their friend until something better comes along. To me, my friendships with guys and girls are not so flippant. If you’re my friend. We’re friends, period. And you mean a great deal to me. A few guys have joked with me and said “If we’re still single at x age then we’ll get married.” You know that’s funny, I find it humorous. I go along with it. But after this week, I’m thinking… “Is that it?” Is that honestly how you guys see me? A filler sort of friend? Someone who your friends with, even great friends, but only until another girl comes along? Because I gotta tell you… that’s not at all how I see my friendship with you. And please, let this be a big wake up call to my feelings on this and please let this cause you to question WHY you are friends with me.
Don’t be close friends with me if I’m just going to be pushed out later down the track. I value you too much for that. I care about you all too much for that. I would literally give up my life if I needed for you. All of you. My guy friends and my girl friends. That’s just me. That’s just how I am. I’m trying to tell you that the way I see our friendship is, based on these reoccurring incidences, apparently very different to how you maybe see it and I need you to please think about this. I can’t keep feeling like I’m being broken in half when these things happen. I all I want is for you all, guys and girls, to understand what you mean to me, and just out of decency tell me “I’m so sorry Akila, I’ve found myself in a situation where I’m feel I need to remove you as a friend on facebook.”
That I can cope with. What I don’t appreciate is finding out like how I have done. And every time, I cry. I cry like a big giant baby because it hurts me so much to realise I apparently valued our friendship more than you did. I wear my heart on my sleeve and fully let you into my heart as a friend… don’t walk all over it anymore. Please. I know none of you mean to or meant to. But now you know. So please figure out what our friendship means to you and please act accordingly.
I’m very aware there are several ways this blog can be taken. I’m also very aware of how silly I may appear over this. I hope the guys will forgive me for sharing some of the background information to each of those situations. I’m just seriously at my wits end on this subject and after spending the last few days majorly sad, unable to get a hold of the friends I would talk to offline… I found myself at a bit of a breaking point. I hope what comes through most is this girl loves you all very much and she just can’t take the tears anymore! Please just think about what I’ve shared with you. I VALUE YOU!
Let’s Be Honest Now!! … :D
I think part of the best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
There should be an instruction manual that comes with a fitted sheet demonstrating how to fold it.
Google really needs to start their directions on point 2, 3, 4 or 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my street.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day (2pm!!!!).
Can we all just agree to ignore what ever technology comes after blue-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…AGAIN… nor do I want to learn how to use it.
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit word and it askes me do I want to save any changes to my ten page document that I didn’t make any changes to.
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with adverts that advertise jewellery leads to kisses. Personally I think more people kiss because they’re wasted!
I wish Google map had a “avoid this neighbourhood” routing option.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
I ask “what?” twice and on the third time I will always nod and smile.
I smile when an entire line of cars team up to prevent another car from cutting in front.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? They never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Sometimes I check the time three times and still not know what time it is.
Even in ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pinning the tail on the donkey… but I bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, and EVERY time!
The first testicular guard, the cup, was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realise their brain is also important.
